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KMC6296 · Mar 12, 2014, 08:57 PM

My daughter is 15 and has a boyfriend. He's a nice young man who my husband and I have known for years and his parents are our best friends.

My daughter has been unusually unwilling to talk to me about anything and has recently been very obsessed with seeing her boyfriend. While I understand that this is part of being a teenager, now my daughter who is normally a good student is distracted, irritable, not turning in homework and has flunked a bunch of tests (and to make matters worse we are paying a fortune for a Christian high school). We have talked to her, taken away privileges, reasoned with her, yelled at her and nothing at all is getting through to her.

So, tonight as a desperate attempt to try to figure out what is going on, I looked through her text messages while she was in the shower. I know many people will not agree and I truly feel guilty, but I am so worried that maybe her friends or her boyfriend are pressuring her that I felt I needed to look.

So, to my absolute shock what I found is a string of messages back and forth about them touching each other. The only time I can imagine this happening is at the movies where I thought that in a public place there would be no opportunity for things like this to happen. I guess I am naïve. I know they are teenagers and hormonal but I guess I just didn't think we were at this place. I really want to talk to her and let her know that this is not OK at 15 years old and make sure she knows she can come to me with questions and concerns and I want to make sure she knows that this is not appropriate behavior at this time. But, bringing this up to her would mean I would have to tell her I looked through her phone and I know she will see this as a huge betrayal which makes me fear she will never open up to me again.

Please share your experience or advice. I am really at a loss.
Thank you.

Alty · Mar 12, 2014, 09:56 PM

Here's the wonderful thing about her being only 15. She needs your permission to date. Now this is a double edged sword. For some teens, when you forbid them to date, it makes the temptation an even bigger thing, and can actually lead to more trouble. But it really does depend on the diligence of the parents.

If having a boyfriend is leading to all of this trouble, it's obvious she's not mature enough to have a boyfriend. As her parents you have the power to stop this by simply not allowing her to date at this time.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 13, 2014, 04:15 AM

At 15 many girls are already having sex. Just read a few of the posts here.

And exactly what was the touching. With clothes, naked ? Makes a difference also.

But again, you are in control, and your choice.

joypulv · Mar 13, 2014, 05:36 AM

I wouldn't tell her that you went through her phone or mention what you read, but I would take the phone away. Tell her that you pay for that luxury each month, and that with each perq comes a responsibility, and that is to her schoolwork.

15 year olds who are dating are going to touch, so I don't understand your surprise there. You didn't when you were 15? I was a goody goody teen and a top student, National Honor Society, 700s on my college boards, and I was skipping the movies to go parking with my boyfriend. We didn't have intercourse. Many around us were.

Talk to her alone and when you aren't angry. Her moral compass is set by now as far as right and wrong. No need to lecture there. What she doesn't understand are the risks - emotional and physical (disease and pregnancy). Give her some credit though, and tell her that you are going to quiz her in a week about all that can happen when 2 people have sex. And tell her that her right to a phone goes with getting her grades back up. And that you love her.

Homegirl 50 · Mar 13, 2014, 07:01 AM

You are her mom and I'm assuming you pay for her phone. I would take her phone and tell her it stays with you and no dating until the next grading period and you can see the grades improve. She will bet mad, by she'll get over it. Personally I think 15 is too young to date and it is obviously for her as she can't date and keep up with grades.
I'd also have a conversation with her about sex. You don't have to ask her if she is doing it, but talk to her about what leads up to it.

J_9 · Mar 13, 2014, 07:43 AM

You are her parent. You pay her bills. Until her grades improve she must give up privileges. Cell phone is one of them. She doesn't need to know that you snooped. As a parent, that is your privilege so that you are protecting her and making her learn to be the best that she can be.

I'm a labor and delivery nurse. I deliver babies to 12 year olds, 15 and 16 year olds. You get my point. If the parents were being parents, and not "friends," this problem wouldn't be so rampant.

Cell phone goes, dating goes unless there is an adult chaperone. The chaperone doesn't need to sit with the children at the movies, but behind them is fine.

Oh, you don't want me to tell you what I did in the back row of the movie theater when I was 16. You would be horrified!

talaniman · Mar 13, 2014, 08:34 AM

Take the phone and dating privileges away, and only give them back when the grades improve. You don't have to reveal anything to her, while you demand and enforce rules and boundaries of good behavior she can EARN.

What teen ager comes to their parents about love and romance and raging hormones? Lay down the law and enforce it. And don't feel guilty about spying on your own kid, but don't tell them either, but make it clear dating without rules is not going to happen, and that includes what type of texts are acceptable, and what's not.

Now that you know what you know, tighten up on the discipline by being CLEAR what's acceptable, and what's NOT. You don't have to reveal sources, none of her damn business, but you do have to address the behavior.

Oh yeah, I check drawers and between mattresses when they are in school, as my kids didn't have a cellphone back in the day, neither did I, they weren't invented yet. Another tip is since her boyfriend is the son of your good friends, helps to be on the same page as far as RULES of dating goes and they both should be held to a stricter standard. Again though you don't have to reveal your sources, just express your concerns.

They are probably like you, "not my kid". Be very careful here.

smoothy · Mar 13, 2014, 09:05 AM

I agree with the others, don't tell her what you know and how you know it... you will lose a valuable way of keeping future tabs on her when you give the phone back. If she knows she will use other means to do the same thing you can't access. Make this purely about the grades and schoolwork at this point.

smearcase · Mar 13, 2014, 01:32 PM

Taking the phone and requiring improvement is great advice from many of the experts here. Take it! (the advice and the phone).
And you don't have to discuss that you looked at her texts. Perfectly acceptable in this situation in my humble opinion.

Homegirl 50 · Mar 13, 2014, 01:42 PM

I think a parent has every right to check the phone the computer, their room too periodically.

Alty · Mar 13, 2014, 03:27 PM

While I don't condone snooping, and do think that teens do deserve some privacy, I have to agree with Homegirl. If I'm paying for the phone, her computer, the internet, etc. I have a right, and even a responsibility to check those things frequently. But, I wouldn't do it behind her back.

I have a 15 year old son. He's on fb. I have his info and he knows that I check his fb regularly. He has no phone because I don't believe a child needs a cell phone. Heck, I don't have a cell phone, nor does my husband, and we manage just fine. It's nice that my child doesn't constantly have his head down at his phone, texting his friends.

Bottom line, she's 15. She's a child. Children are not known for their excellent decision making skills. Until they're old enough to be wise about the choices they make, it's up to us, as parents, to make those choices for them. If she's not being responsible with her phone, or her boyfriend, then you have to step in. If you don't, your next question may well be "How do I help my pregnant 15 year old". You're her parent. You need to parent her.

KMC6296 · Mar 14, 2014, 03:11 PM

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I have taken the phone! It had to be done. We have a mani pedi and lunch scheduled for Sunday so I will have some girl time to talk with her. I also had a chat with the boys mom and told her what I read. She was pretty surprised too so we are going to work together to give them opportunities to hang out where we can more closely monitor what they are up to; she is taking them to Disneyland after early dismissal one day next week.

Alty · Mar 14, 2014, 03:30 PM

Originally Posted by KMC6296

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I have taken the phone! It had to be done. We have a mani pedi and lunch scheduled for Sunday so I will have some girl time to talk with her. I also had a chat with the boys mom and told her what I read. She was pretty surprised too so we are going to work together to give them opportunities to hang out where we can more closely monitor what they are up to; she is taking them to Disneyland after early dismissal one day next week.

Sounds like you're getting things under control. I know how hard it is to step in when teens are concerned. But always remember that as a parent, you're not there to make them like you, you're there to make sure that they survive the teen years.

If that means making decisions that will result in them hating you, so be it. I'd much rather my children hate me, than let them make decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives. Not all lessons have to be learned the hard way. It's our job as parents to make sure they're not put in positions that can lead them down the wrong path. One day, when they're older, they'll understand, and thank you.