Check out some similar questions!

Jimmy1989 · Feb 27, 2014, 06:55 AM

My partner and I have had a colourful past, as many couples have. We are a mixed race couple who have been in a largely long distance relationship (different countries) for most of our 8 years together.

I have been disowned by my family for maintaining the relationship, helped her overcome her own abusive family who drove her to self harm, travelled the world and most of all we've grown up and survived closer, together. For the past year we've lived together, having finally broken my final ties with my family.

Unfortunately my partner is now no longer sure she's in love with me. She feels very much that I invest too much of my future in her, she's explained that she does not necessarily see hers with me and my usefulness to her is through.

My question, I suppose, is what should I do now? We are still together at this moment in time as she's afraid that she may be mistaken. I understand that being in a relationship that's in limbo is not healthy - however I'm torn between walking away from the woman I love or breaking my own well being waiting for an answer.

Is this simply one person outgrowing another, or could it be that she is mistaking a different, more mature relationship for one that is gone? If so - what can I do to show her that our love isn't gone... it's just different.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 27, 2014, 07:02 AM

Often the chase is better than the catch. You had years of long distance, and all the problems, and our life should always include our partner, but our future is not though another, each of you should and do need some life of your own.

Are you perhaps too controlling or does her past family problems, seem to her the same with you. *** not saying they are, but could they appear the same.

My wife and I had issues where things I did, reminded me of her father, who she had serious issues with. Too lots of counseling. That is where I say your start should be.

Oliver2011 · Feb 27, 2014, 07:44 AM

"my usefulness to her is through" - If I heard those words I would start looking for someone else. Wow.

LDRs are easy in the sense that you don't have to deal with the day to day as a couple and you don't have to put up with the little things that both of you do that drive you both nuts. Once you put two people together it becomes work to keep the relationship successful. Sometimes too much work for one of the partners and they want to check out.

talaniman · Feb 27, 2014, 08:41 AM

You were always an option for her and still are. She has been a priority for you for 8 years. Still is. You need better priorities, and different options.

J_9 · Feb 27, 2014, 08:51 AM

As a woman...

Waiting 8 years without a ring and a date is a no go and time to move on to someone who is serious about me/her.

Jimmy1989 · Feb 27, 2014, 10:19 AM

Originally Posted by J_9

As a woman...

Waiting 8 years without a ring and a date is a no go and time to move on to someone who is serious about me/her.

It's always been a mutual feeling regarding marriage - we were 15/16 when we met, are in our early 20's now and both feel that it's just not the right time for it. She has more often than not been the advocate for postponing marriage until we knew where our real direction in life would be.

Whilst it is a long distance relationship, we have every year spent at least a solid month together, visiting besides that a few weeks at a time, every 3 months or so... and have lived together really without issue for the past year. I honestly don't feel that there's any problem not knowing them on a day-to-day. In our 8 years, there are quite literally only a hand full of days we've not spoken on the phone or in person.

I certainly take the point about her options and my priorities really not matching up. I have always helped to take her away from her difficult past and she's become a strong, independent and charismatic woman.

Whilst it feels like a nightmare to consider, is it fair to say that I no longer mean as much to her as she does to me?

Wondergirl · Feb 27, 2014, 10:37 AM

Originally Posted by Jimmy1989

Whilst it feels like a nightmare to consider, is it fair to say that I no longer mean as much to her as she does to me?

Does she possibly associate you with the "bad" parts of her life, the growing-up part with all its pains and agonies? Now that she is an adult and has come into her own, she maybe considers you part of her past, not part of her future? And she also may wonder what she has missed, looking back on so many years with only one guy?

talaniman · Feb 27, 2014, 10:52 AM

Whilst it feels like a

nightmare to consider, is it fair to say that I no longer mean as much to her as she does to me?

Yes that's fair for now. So what? Do something good for yourself besides moving mountains for her. We never know what tomorrow will bring, or how things work out.

amicon · Mar 1, 2014, 02:16 PM

You should be your first priority.So-why be the option? Take care of you,and let her take care of herself. Tough love but we don't have to carry anyone else.

tickle · Mar 1, 2014, 02:33 PM

You are not useful to her anymore, wow, hard line to take with love in the mix. You spent a lot of time apart, now you are together and she can't stand the closeness this creates. You two need to be apart a while for a short time at least to let her gather her wits. It will be hard for you to do this I am sure, but what other option do you have but sweat it out and give her space? I gather you are both quite mature so will not ask how old each of you are.

What religious backgrounds do you both have ?

I wont suggest counselling, after travelling the world, both with family issues I imagine you have already talked all of that out; but I really dont understand where she is going with this. You painted an idylic picturre.

Jimmy1989 · Mar 3, 2014, 12:22 PM

Originally Posted by tickle

You are not useful to her anymore, wow, hard line to take with love in the mix...

...
What religious backgrounds do you both have ?...

...
You painted an idylic picturre.

Yes, it's a hard line. The hardest.

We are both agnostic atheist and have never had any issue disagreeing on the fundamental things in life (8 years down the line, we've talked these things out!) like religion, family, children, life styles etc.

I think perhaps some of the problem is that indeed, we'd spent years fighting some of the hardest personal challenges of our lives together. Now that we've lived together, it doesn't add up to the fairy tale perhaps she had hoped for.

3 weeks she moved back to her home country, and has insisted that we continue to try with the relationship. She needed to move back to complete her studies at home and my career hasn't taken me with her.

Unfortunately she's avoiding me more and more, whilst I cannot believe that she would be capable of acting this way towards me, I'm beginning to get the message.

I don't think I'll ever truly understand what drifted her from me, but I'm now starting to understand that this won't ever be right again.

talaniman · Mar 3, 2014, 12:44 PM

You both have different priorities. Mend your fences and build a happy life without her. I would have to cut her out of my life totally.

Jimmy1989 · Mar 4, 2014, 06:03 PM

Thank you all for your advice.

We have now separated and she's moved on. I will try with all my strength to do the same.

Oliver2011 · Mar 5, 2014, 05:47 AM

Originally Posted by Jimmy1989

Thank you all for your advice.

We have now separated and she's moved on. I will try with all my strength to do the same.

You don't try, you do it. You have no other choice.

Don't automatically label this as the worst thing that could ever happen. That chapter hasn't been written yet. Case in point - I lost the job that I absolutely loved and where all my friends were. I was devastated and was very depressed. I got a new job which was a good job but it just wasn't the same. Then I met someone at work and we started dating. We have been together 3 years and are engaged. So losing that job turned out to be the absolutely best thing that ever happened.