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Alty · Feb 20, 2014, 05:20 PM

My 45 year old cousin is engaged to an 18 year old child. Yup, you heard right.

He has two children, one is 16 (only two years younger than his bride to be) the other is 26, married. So yes, he's more than old enough to be this girls father!

One part of me is sick because of the age difference. I don't mind the gap, I hate the age. At 18 she can't possibly be mature enough to even think of marriage, and she's definitely not mature enough to be a step mom. She's only 18. No matter how mature she is for her age, and I've read her fb posts, never met her because she doesn't want to meet his family, and trust me, she's not mature at all. In fact, she's very immature for 18.

My cousin is one that easily falls in love, and out of love. When he started bringing girlfriends to our yearly family bbq's (which stopped when my Oma died) he'd bring a new girl every year. Each year she was younger and thinner. My mom once said to him "if you keep this up, in ten years you'll be bringing a toddler".

He's been married once, which was a shotgun wedding. They lasted a year. His 26 year old daughter is the result, need the cause, of that marriage. The only long term relationship he's ever had was with the mother of his second child. They actually lasted for 12 years, and he did love her a lot. Sadly she found someone else, couldn't deal with his immaturity. In a lot of ways his maturity level is right on par with his new fiancé.

Here's the thing. I practically raised his oldest daughter. I was 16 when she was born, and from the age of 4 months I took care of her every weekend, and many days during the week, so they could go out and party. I gave up what they weren't willing to give up, because I love this kid so much. Still do. We're very close, and I'm so very proud of her. She's married, has a wonderful husband, they just bought their first home.

Here's where the issue starts. I don't want to butt in, my cousin is a hard headed German, just like me, and no matter what I say to him, he won't see that this new relationship is a problem. But it is. He no longer talks to his two daughters. His oldest was shocked when he started dating this 18 year old child, but she wanted to make it work. So she contacted her fathers new girlfriend (one of many she's lived through) and offered to meet up with her. The 18 year old said "I have no desire to meet you right now. When we do meet, it will be on my terms".

Understandably my pseudo daughter, my cousins oldest child, took that as a slap in the face. Her father took his 18 year old girlfriends side. He told his daughter to back off, and leave them alone. Same with his 16 year old. He has visitation with her 2 weekends a month. She's been told she's not welcome in his home because his now fiancé doesn't want her there. She's uncomfortable having her around. She's only met her once.

Both of his kids are coming to me, asking me to help. My cousins parents don't want anyone to rock the boat. He owes them a lot of money, and they just want to keep him happy so he continues making payments to them. That's an even longer story. So now the kids really have no one to turn to, and they're turning to me.

The thing is, I know that if I butt in, if I confront him, it won't matter. He's in lust, and what 45 year old man wouldn't be all over an 18 year old (and she's gorgeous, I've seen pictures) if given the chance?

But this won't last. I know this, I know him. He's only 2 year older than me. This is just another flash in the pan, like all the rest. But this is the only one that's ever caused him to neglect his children.

If I butt in, what do I say to make him see that this 18 year old is only right now, his family, which he's destroying, is forever. I don't think there's anything I can say to make him see that.

I'm torn. I hate seeing his daughters so upset. I hate that he's choosing an idiotic child that he thinks he loves, over his own daughters. But I really don't know how to fix it if I decide to step into it.

ma0641 · Feb 20, 2014, 05:34 PM

YOU don't FIX anything. What consenting adults, even if you don't like it, do is their business. Yes, I agree it does appear strange with such an age gap and nothing I would do BUT love is blind. You obviously have no respect for this " idiotic child ". I hope she has better feelings toward you.

Alty · Feb 20, 2014, 05:53 PM

Originally Posted by ma0641

YOU don't FIX anything. What consenting adults, even if you don't like it, do is their business. Yes, I agree it does appear strange with such an age gap and nothing I would do BUT love is blind. You obviously have no respect for this " idiotic child ". I hope she has better feelings toward you.

She has no feelings towards me. She's never met me, or my cousins parents, or my cousins oldest child. She met his youngest only once, and then put her foot down and said she was no longer welcome in the home she lives in with my cousin. She refuses to meet any of his family. She only met his youngest child because she came over during my cousins visitation, and she happened to be there. She quickly made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with his children, and it was either them, or her. He chose her. Now my cousin is angry at his children, sending mean emails, especially to his 16 year old. He told her that he's throwing her cat out, the cat he said she could have at his house, because she's not taking care of it. She's not allowed in the house! His fiancé has put her foot down, and said she's not allowed in the house. So how is she supposed to take care of a cat that's in her fathers home, when his fiancé says she's not allowed to come in, and her father has agreed to that?

Love is blind, but it doesn't have to be stupid too. I know my cousin, and his track record. If I spent a day writing a list of his past true loves, I still wouldn't get them all. He's had too many. I doubt he's changed, since the last true love before this one, whose name he has tattooed on him, was only a few months before he met this new girl, and I do mean girl. They're engaged. He's 45, she's 18, they've known each other 3 months.

My lack of respect for this child is because of the what she's convinced him to do to his children. She's just a flash in the pan. I'd bet millions this relationship will be over within a year, if that, just like all his other relationships save one. In the meantime, he's messing up the two relationships that should mean everything to him, that of him and his children.

Cat1864 · Feb 20, 2014, 06:13 PM

Sadly you really can't do anything other than be there for his daughters like you always have. I wish there was more but as long as she is separating him from his family there probably won't be much anyone can do.

One thing you haven't mentioned is when the wedding is supposed to take place. Maybe there is a chance it will fall apart before then.

Just read your second post. If he is sending hateful or mean emails to his daughters especially the 16 yr old, MOM needs to put her foot down and stop it. It may take contacting a lawyer and the police but she should allow him to emotionally abuse their daughters.

Alty · Feb 20, 2014, 06:15 PM

Add: And those two children have no support other than me. It's me they cry to, it's me they come running to, it's me they ask for help. His parents, their grandparents, are taking his side, only because they don't want to rock the boat, and it's only because he owes them a lot of money, their life savings and more, the reason they can't retire, which they know he won't pay if they go against him.

So the kids are left with no one. Only me. And I'm just a member of the family that's only included in my cousins life, and my Aunts and Uncles life (my cousins parents, his kids grandparents) because they feel obligated since my parents died.

I realize I have no power. I don't want power. Power isn't what I'm after at all. But I see this happening, and can't help but think that my cousin is choosing an 18 year old with a great body, that makes him feel young and attractive, over his children. He's driving his children away. That's forever. This 18 year old isn't forever. She's just an itch he's scratching, a way for him to feel young, feel better about the hole he's dug, and he's sacrificing his children to get that high.

Since my Aunt and Uncle care too much about the money he owes (can't blame them for that, they can't retire because of him) to protect his children, someone has to. I'd be willing to step in, even though I know that doing so won't change anything. But someone has to stand up and make him see what he's giving up just so he can screw an 18 year old girl.

Jake2008 · Feb 20, 2014, 06:24 PM

It might be worthwhile to consider a few things.

All your information is second-hand, mostly from his two children, and there is nothing you've said to balance the information. You have no idea why she says the things she does, or why she takes such a hard line. Your opinion of her as being immature may not be correct, nor the opinion that she is the only cause of this rift.

A 45 year old man can speak for himself, right?

I would be there for the two children, the 16 year old, and the 26 year old, when they want to talk. I would not engage in any conversation about your cousin's choice of girlfriend. Tell them you love both of them, and you're sympathetic to their concerns/anger/confusion, but you have no influence in the decisions their father makes.

If you do have a chance to speak to your cousin and his intended (together preferably) you may learn a great deal about why there is such a rift between the kids, and them, and maybe there might be some compromises made to smooth the waters.

I think that the future will play itself out, with or without your intervention. If your prediction of failure for your cousin and his girlfriend, is accurate, it still won't mean he won't repeat the pattern as you've suggested in your post, with all the other failed relationships.

I would leave well enough alone, and do what you've always done with his children- be there for them, but keep your nose out of his personal business.

Catsmine · Feb 20, 2014, 06:46 PM

This is hard, it hits so close to home. Your cousin is probably 15 years beyond help, so I can only advise you to let him go. He sounds so much like the drug addict monster that impregnated my mother I get angry just reading. If the daughters are lucky they'll get out with only the scars I have painted over with sarcasm and flirtatiousness. Keep helping them get through this is all you've got.

Alty · Feb 20, 2014, 07:09 PM

@ Jake, thank you. I do know that intervening, which means confronting my cousin, won't help at all. I know that, which is why I wrote this thread, because I am torn, mostly because his children come to me asking me to intervene, talk to their dad, and I know that there's nothing I can say or do to change what he's doing.

I don't hate his girlfriend. How could I? I've never met her, which is his choice. I know you didn't mention hating her, I just want to clarify that I don't. I can't hate her, or like her. I don't know her at all. I only know that she's made his kids miserable. But that's no less than I'd expect from a child, and that's what she is.

One thing I haven't mentioned, when my parents died my cousin was there for me, as were his parents, and mostly his brother. He's more than a cousin to me because of that. He's like a brother, and it kills me to see him messing up the one real relationship he's ever had, that he has with his children, over some 18 year old that just can't be ready for marriage and being a step parent, only because of her age, and experience she hasn't had, and can't have because of her age.

@ Cat. Thank you. There is no wedding date. When he announced it, only on fb, I asked when the date was. I didn't get an answer. He was engaged to the mother of his second child, the 16 year old, for 11 years. They never married. Her choice, not his. He has a lot of issues, always has, too many to get into to explain why she chose not to marry him. I can only say that I think she made the right decision.

My take on him is that he's desperate for someone to love. So much so that anyone that says she loves him, is good enough, as long as she's young and gorgeous. He got together with his oldest daughters mother, again, the one he married and divorced, around 2 years ago. He dumped her because, and I quote "you're the same age as me. You're too old. I can't be with someone that's old, no matter how gorgeous you are. I have a rep to maintain".

I know him well. I think he "loves" this girl because she's gorgeous and young. I'm talking model magazine cover gorgeous. I've read things she's posted because her fb isn't private, and she's dumber than a sack of rocks. You'll have to take my word on that, or not. But she's 18, and hot. Knowing my cousin, that's all that matters. She'll boost his ego, and she does. It's not about loving who she is, it's about loving what she looks like, and her age. It makes him feel like a man.

If I were to tell you everything, I'd have to write a book. I know you can't know what I know because there's no possible way to tell you all everything. No one could. So please trust me to know him, and why he's doing this. I've known him all my life, and we've always been close, since I moved to Canada.

Also know that I really appreciate your advice. Much of it is dead on. I can't intervene, because it won't make a difference, it will only make more problems. The bad part is, I get emails, fb chats, phone calls, from his two daughters, begging me to do something, and it hurts, because I love them. They don't understand that there's really nothing I can do, or say to him. There's no way for me to switch on the light and make him see what he's giving up for this girl. I can't fix this for any of them. I know that, and it hurts so much. I want his daughters to get their father back, even though he was never much of a father to either of them, he's the only father they have. I can't fix it for them without losing the majority of the family I have left. I can't make it better without making it worse. :(

Originally Posted by Catsmine

This is hard, it hits so close to home. Your cousin is probably 15 years beyond help, so I can only advise you to let him go. He sounds so much like the drug addict monster that impregnated my mother I get angry just reading. If the daughters are lucky they'll get out with only the scars I have painted over with sarcasm and flirtatiousness. Keep helping them get through this is all you've got.

Damn. Cats, just damn. Written word can't convey the tears I shed reading your post. It can't convey how much I don't want for them (his daughters). My relationship with my parents was the best, and that's what I wish for everyone I know and love. I have come to realize that the bond I had with my parents, the love I had for them, is not the norm.

I find that very sad. It should be the norm!

I don't want them to have scars.

So basically, they have me, and that's it? I don't know if I'm strong enough, or just enough enough, to be enough for them. :(

joypulv · Feb 20, 2014, 07:33 PM

Cat asked you about his daughters' mothers? Where are they in all this?

Alty · Feb 20, 2014, 08:38 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

Cat asked you about his daughters' mothers? Where are they in all this?

Two daughters, two mothers. The first mother, of the oldest child, wasn't much of a mother. I was more of one than she was, raised her child more than she did. That's not to toot my own horn. They were both to young to have a child much less raise one. Sadly, I was 2 year younger than them, I was 16 when she was born, her mother was 18, same age as her father. That's a long story too.

I took care of her, in my parents home with their approval, every weekend, and many times during the week. I became too important to this child, and the grandparents (my Aunt and Uncle) became upset because of jealousy. This child started calling me mom, and called her own mother by her first name. Until she moved far away, with her mother, at the age of almost three (I started taking care of her every weekend from the age of 4 months) I was with her more than her own parents were.

The second child, the younger of the two, her mother moved on. She was the one that had a long term relationship with my cousin, 12 years. They lived together, raised both children together (his first child moved back here when she was a teenager). This relationship ended. Lots of reasons on both ends. Long story short, it just wasn't right, and both of them had reasons for it not to last.

joypulv · Feb 21, 2014, 04:30 AM

Yes, I got all that, but was wondering why they aren't interested in their daughters at all now. I'm not sure that the older daughter needs the attention the younger one does, and she has you as her mother.
This is mainly about the younger one. Her mother isn't dead, is she? 'Moving on' doesn't make her any less of a mother.

My advice is to stand by her (both of them of course) with every inch of your being, and stay out of his life. It won't help; it can hinder.

talaniman · Feb 21, 2014, 06:27 AM

I think you stay out of this mess and give the girls moral support and guidance through what has to be a tough situation. I doubt anyone will change your cousins mind, or if they should try. I know its no fun being helpless to change, fix, or make things better with loved ones, but you can stay above it for the 16 year old. Hopefully if you stay cool she may follow that example. Seems her mom has.

J_9 · Feb 21, 2014, 08:38 AM

You are in a very precarious position. On one hand this cousin is like a brother to you and you want to beat him on the head with an ice pick for being an idiot (for lack of a better word), on the other his daughters are like your daughters, and you want to protect them like you would protect Syd or Jared. I seriously understand your dilemma, I seriously do, and there is no easy answer.

You will alienate him even more if you stand up for what you believe in (and what is truly right) and confront him while protecting his daughters. But, that could backfire of there ever is a reconciliation between him and the girls. The best thing for you to do, in my opinion, is to be a sounding board for the girls, but stay out of his relationship.

Unfortunately he is a grown man and has the ability to make his own decisions where relationships are concerned. That doesn't mean that he is right, of course he is not right in this scenario, but that is a lesson he has to learn on his own. He will have to deal with the heartbreak when this 18 year old decides that it's time to move on and that he has lost his children because of his decisions. At least you can be there to pick up the pieces when that happens. There are consequences to our actions and sometimes those consequences aren't good. It's about time for him to learn that with no interference from friends or family. It's just a shame that his parents are so material that they don't bite the bullet and take the monetary loss. They are enabling his behavior.

joypulv · Feb 21, 2014, 09:20 AM

Does your cousin have MONEY? Does sugar daddy play into this, or is she just looking for daddy?

smoothy · Feb 21, 2014, 10:56 AM

This is a lose - lose situation... I can't think of any way to say anything and not end up on the losing side of things. And by the way... I agree with your opinion. What the hell does an 18 year old see in a guy his age... and from his end... he see's eye candy... he can't possibly think she is intelectually on his level. But then... maybe he is on hers.

Alty · Feb 28, 2014, 05:57 PM

Arrr! I just can't take it any more. My cousin has now blocked his two daughters from Facebook, his fiancé (the child) deleted his mother because she offered to pay to neuter the cat that belongs to his youngest, and lives with him, so that they don't put it out of the house because it's spraying. When the 18 year old said no, my Aunt (cousin's mother) called her inhumane. So bye bye to her.

He's alienated his entire family for this idiot child! I just want to slap him!

smoothy · Feb 28, 2014, 06:03 PM

So, maybe at this point... now that nothing can make it worse... let him have it.

Catsmine · Feb 28, 2014, 06:14 PM

Yep. Time for a Ray Charles moment - "Hit the road, Jack. Don'tcha come back no more no more."

Alty · Feb 28, 2014, 06:37 PM

Too late. Right after posting this thread he fb chatted me, and you know me, I didn't hold my tongue. Since then he hasn't talked to me at all. But I have yet to be deleted as a friend on fb. In fact, he added my kids. Makes me sick. He deletes his kids, and his mother, but adds my kids? Maybe he's looking for friends for his fiancé. :(

I'm about to give him a huge piece of my mind, which will definitely get me deleted from his fb. But hey, he's already deleting everyone from his life, so why not delete them on fb as well? I'm sticking with his kids, they're more important.

J_9 · Mar 1, 2014, 03:56 AM

Maybe it's time to get the toxicity out of your life where he is concerned. Block him on yours and the kids' FB.

It's okay to keep his girls in your life as they need some support right now, but it's time to kick him to the curb. You have too much other stuff going on right now that you don't need his drama.