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    Catsmine Posts: 3,826, Reputation: 739
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    #21

    Mar 1, 2014, 04:04 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by J_9 View Post
    You have too much other stuff going on right now that you don't need his drama.
    What she said.
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    #22

    Mar 1, 2014, 04:17 AM
    You and I are cut from the same cloth. Impulse control is not our strong suit. However, he is a 45 year old man. His decisions are his alone, and the consequences are his alone to deal with. There is no way you are going to influence him to change his path. We collectively agree that what he is doing is wrong, but he is a grown man and has the right to make his life choices the way he so chooses no matter how vehemently every one else in the family disagrees with his choices. It's okay to be supportive of his daughters, but it's not okay to meddle in your cousins love life. He is 45 years old and has a right to make his own mistakes and he is the one who is going to have to pick up the pieces when this relationship fails.

    Your focus should be on your family, not his. While his daughters are going through hell right now, so is Jared and Jared is your number one priority.
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    #23

    Mar 1, 2014, 02:21 PM
    I agree J. Jared and Sydney are, and remain, my top priority, but both of them also feel horrible for my cousins kids. The youngest, who is a year older than Jared, messaged him on fb about his attendance issues. She's in high school. She gave him a pep talk, told him it does get better, that high school is so much better than where he is now, so just hang on. She also told him that if he ever needed to talk, he should call her. That made me cry. She's going through so much right now, but she's still there for Jared. Jared was in shock, said "now I feel bad. I have a choice, and I'm making the wrong ones, but she's going through hell right now, and she doesn't have a choice. She should be calling me for a shoulder to lean on, not the other way around". Her message to him may just be the wakeup call he needs right now.

    I am sending one last message to my cousin, and after that, to hell with him. But I do have to try one last time to make him see that what he's doing isn't right. Keep the girlfriend, by all means, keep your little toy, but don't throw away your kids because of her.
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    #24

    Mar 1, 2014, 02:28 PM
    He knows how everyone feels already Alty. Let it drop now and resist the urge to get the last word.
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    #25

    Mar 1, 2014, 02:30 PM
    Don't send that message Alty, it's just an exercise in futility only furthering your frustration.
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    #26

    Mar 1, 2014, 02:55 PM
    I'll put that message on the back burner for now. Promise guys.
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    #27

    Mar 1, 2014, 03:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Alty View Post
    She also told him that if he ever needed to talk, he should call her.
    Can you say "Cry for help"? Jared needs to get on the phone now.
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    #28

    Mar 1, 2014, 03:47 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Catsmine View Post
    Can you say "Cry for help"? Jared needs to get on the phone now.
    He tried to call her yesterday, and she didn't answer her phone. He's going to try again today. I think they can both be a great support to each other. They are family, and family should stick together. I'm so proud of them both for being there for each other. She could definitely use more support than Jared right now. Jared has us, she has no one.
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    #29

    Mar 10, 2014, 05:13 PM
    Okay, I know I promised, but I just posted this on my cousins wall.

    https://www.facebook.com/yourreasont...591289/?type=1

    With the caption "thought of you when I read this. Love you cousin".

    You should also know that his BMW is his prized possession. His parents paid for it after he totaled his other BMW, accident not his fault, but it was a hit and run, and he didn't bother to get insurance (smacking my head).

    I know! I know! Stay out of it. But this is my family! He's like a brother to me, has been since my parents died. I can't just walk away and watch while he destroys the only thing of value, his relationship with his kids, and those that actually love him. Not some 18 year old bimbo!

    On a side note. On her fb profile she lists her profession as a Veterinarian. Really? She's 18! To become a vet takes 8 years of college! So she started college at 10 or younger, since she claims to be working as a vet for the last year? How stupid does she think people are?
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    #30

    Mar 10, 2014, 05:39 PM
    Sorry Alty, can't view that message. But seriously, is there any other way that we can tell you that he is a grown man and can make his own decisions? Yes, he is family, but if you want to remain family you will butt out for now and be there to help him pick up the pieces when this relationship fails.
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    #31

    Mar 10, 2014, 06:19 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by J_9 View Post
    Sorry Alty, can't view that message. But seriously, is there any other way that we can tell you that he is a grown man and can make his own decisions? Yes, he is family, but if you want to remain family you will butt out for now and be there to help him pick up the pieces when this relationship fails.
    I know that you guys are right, it's the advice I would give if it were someone else. But I also know that I know him better than any of you will ever know him, no matter how much I write about him.

    Knowing him the way I do, when this relationship falls apart, he won't admit he made a mistake, he won't ask for help picking up the pieces. He'll just make more mistakes, like he always has, and he'll just continue to hurt his children, his parents, and his family.

    The time for a wake up call is long past overdue. Everyone treads around him for fear that he'll cut them out if they don't agree with everything he does. I'm tired of putting on a fake smile and pretending. Everyone is. It's time that someone told him what he should have been told 30 years ago when he started messing up like this. He never learned, because no one ever had the guts to tell him the truth. His parents just looked the other way, which is why he was a teen parent.

    He owes his parents hundreds of thousands of dollars. Every time he screws up, they bail him out. His mother can't retire because of what he owes them. But he drives his brand new $80,000 BMW that he bought when his parents were in Germany (they wrote a new will which they always do when they travel to Germany, just in case something happens. They trusted him, and gave him access to their accounts in case of an emergency. He was involved in a hit and run that his insurance would have covered, but he didn't have insurance. So he bought a new $80,000 BMW that his parents paid for, without their permission while they were in Germany because they gave him access to their accounts in case of an emergency).

    It's long past time that someone put their foot down with this overgrown 45 year old child. If it has to be me, and if I lose him because of it, I'm prepared to do that, for his children and his parents. Maybe by doing this his mother will see that staying silent, posting all these wonderful posts about her son, when he's stabbing them in the back every chance he gets, will be the wake up call they all need. If not, if I lose them, so be it. I'm prepared for that, and willing to accept that.

    I recently posted a link on his oldest daughters wall. The post read "Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you, because one day you might wake up and realize you lost the moon while counting the stars".

    My byline on that post read "This reminds me of someone. I hope he realizes what he's giving up before it's too late. If not, you have me, Rod, and the kids. We all love you and (your husband) very much. I think of you like a daughter, and that will never ever change, no matter what. Love you sweetie."

    My cousins mother not only liked that post, but posted "My deepest wish is for him to realize this".

    I know she only posted because her son, my cousin, had deleted her and couldn't read what she posted. She's such a vocal person about everyone's lives, interferes in her older sons life all the time, because he allows it. But with this son, her second born, she never says what she really feels, because she knows what will happen. It already has happened, and all she did to be deleted from his life, was to offer to pay for his youngest daughters cat to be fixed so that he wouldn't throw it out on the streets because his 18 year old girlfriend didn't like that it was spraying, and "it's just an animal. Animals can live in the wild. So no big deal throwing it out of the house". It was -30C when they threw it out, and that same day he deleted his youngest, the one the cat belonged to, from fb, because she begged him not to do it, to allow her to find a way to bring the cat to her mothers house.

    Posting on his fb page until he deletes me, it's nothing compared to what he's done. The fact that he hasn't deleted me, a mere cousin, when he deleted both his kids when they really did nothing to really challenge him, gives me hope that maybe some of what I say, is sinking in. So no, I can't just walk away. I can't just let him be a man and work it out, because he's not acting like a man. He's acting like a child. Since he's acting like a child, someone needs to step in and correct his behavior. His age has nothing to do with his ability to make the right decisions, and he's proven that over and over again.
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    #32

    Mar 10, 2014, 06:32 PM
    I have to ask, Alty, why are you asking for advice if you are not willing to take it? Is this more of a rant/vent?

    Again, he is 45 years old and his parents have enabled this behavior. It's not likely to change, and he isn't your responsibility.
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    #33

    Mar 10, 2014, 06:48 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by J_9 View Post
    I have to ask, Alty, why are you asking for advice if you are not willing to take it? Is this more of a rant/vent?

    Again, he is 45 years old and his parents have enabled this behavior. It's not likely to change, and he isn't your responsibility.
    I guess I'm like a lot of the people that ask for advice here. I want to hear that I'm doing the right thing. But I do actually want advice. At the same time, there's no way to tell you all everything, which means that when I do get advice my first thought is "but you don't know him like I do. You don't know everything". In a way that's my fault, but really, how can anyone post everything about someone and the relationship they have with that person, and everything that's led to the questions they're asking? I've known him for 43 years, and I can't post 43 years worth of info on him so you all have the whole story.

    I do know that if I were answering my question, I'd give the same advice given to me. But having posted this thread, I also know how so many others feel when they ask advice, and are frustrated because no one can really understand the family dynamic without knowing the actual people involved. It's so easy to say "just walk away" when this is all you have left of family. When you know that walking away won't help, and that chiming in may not help either, but you're very much caught between a rock and a hard place, being pulled in all directions, and you really do want to help.

    So to answer your question. Yes, I do want advice, but like every other person that posts on this site, getting the advice doesn't mean I agree with it, or will follow it. I have to choose. I also do want to vent, and in doing so I'm hoping that someone with a similar experience, will chime in, and tell me what they did, so I have something to base my decisions on. Not that their success or failure will be mine if I go the same route they did.

    I do know that walking away, forgetting about it, and leaving it up to my cousin, isn't a real option. This is all very personal. It's not black and white. Walking away is an option, and a good one. Leave him to his own devices and hope that after 45 year of huge mistakes, he'll finally figure it out. Or step in, and hope he sees the light, hope he chooses his children, his family, over some 18 year old idiot he just met.

    I lost both of my parents. I have two children. My main fear in all of this is that when he dies, his children won't even care because he chose someone else over them, cut them from his life over a young piece of a$$. Another fear is that he'll die alone because of the choices he's made. Walking away would save me a hell of a lot of heartache. I know I don't need more crap to deal with in my life. Sadly, he's a part of my life, as are his children, and just walking away and hoping it all works out, it's an option, but it won't mean that my stress is reduced, or that my involvement is reduced. I'm in it, because it's family. Walk away or dive right in, the results are the same. I'm in it no matter what. It's family. :(
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    #34

    Mar 10, 2014, 08:48 PM
    Alty, I am going through something in my family so dramatically different, yet so eerily similar in family dynamics. I don't want to air my family's problems online, but suffice it to say that there comes a time when you have to step back and let nature run it's course. If not for the family, for your own sanity.

    If you want to talk about it, I can call you, but I will not discuss my family's issue online.
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    #35

    Apr 20, 2014, 08:08 AM
    Boy! Am I ever the wrong guy to ask about age gap. Teresa and I have been living together for the last 20 years. We figured that we knew each other well enough to get married. She is my best friend first and my wife second. The Gap between our age is 23 years. We have been together so long that we have a loving a comfortable relationship.
    I do see a problem with the girls age. In my estimation she is too young and inexperienced to make a decision involving marriage.I realize you're frustrated but about all you can do is to be there for the children. Regards to all, Tom
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    #36

    Apr 21, 2014, 01:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by speedball1 View Post
    Boy! Am I ever the wrong guy to ask about age gap. Teresa and I have been living together for the last 20 years. We figured that we knew each other well enough to get married. She is my best friend first and my wife second. The Gap between our age is 23 years. We have been together so long that we have a loving a comfortable relationship.
    I do see a problem with the girls age. In my estimation she is too young and inexperienced to make a decision involving marriage.I realize you're frustrated but about all you can do is to be there for the children. Regards to all, Tom
    Tom, I wouldn't have an issue with the age gap, if she weren't a teenager. At 18 I really don't think she's mature enough to be this seriously involved in a relationship, engaged, marrying a man that has two children, the youngest only 2 years younger than she is. The fact that she's making him cut his children from his life, for her, shows how very immature she is.

    If she were in her 20's, and accepting of his children, accepting of the fact that she's not only marrying him, but his family, I'd have no problem at all. It's not the age gap, it's the fact that he's cutting out everyone in his life, just for her.

    We had Easter dinner at my Aunt's and Uncle's house yesterday (his parents). He came. His fiancé didn't. His kids were there, trying their hardest to talk to him, have him back in their lives. It went well for a while, until they asked why he had blocked them from fb. His reply "you both were posting crap about the love of my life". Their response "We didn't post anything about her at all, we don't know her. We posted that we missed you, and that the reason you weren't talking to us, or seeing us, was because of her. That's what you told us".

    It turned into a big fight. I was staying out of it, until his 16 year old started crying. Then I confronted him. Surprising enough he listened. Not that he took any of my advice, but he did listen. My advice was "your kids are forever, wives come and go, and this one will likely go before she even becomes your wife. Even if she doesn't, your children are forever. You have to ask yourself why she won't accept them, and if you really really want to be with someone that makes you choose between her and your kids".

    When he left we hugged, and he said "I love you cuz. I will think about what you said. But I also want you to know that I love her. She makes me happy. I'm not willing to give that up. My kids have to accept that".

    It doesn't take a psychiatrist to see what's going on here. She's 18, she lost both her parents. She wants a daddy. He's old enough to be her daddy, he takes care of her, spoils her rotten. He's in his 40's, pierced both his ears, does the fake tan, bought the expensive sports car. Now he has a pretty young thing on his arm, making him feel young again.

    This isn't love.
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    #37

    Apr 21, 2014, 03:14 PM
    Hey Girl,
    Back off! You're too involved. Your not going to make him a better dad. Let it go. What will be will be. While you can't do much about his relationship you can be there for his children. I think she is mistaking watching a dad in place of love. Don't tear yourself up over something that you cannot change. While you cannot change their relationship you can support the children. And that I would advise.
    There are some things in life that we simply have to accept and this appears to be one of them. I wish both you and them good luck and happiness. Regards, Tom
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    #38

    Apr 21, 2014, 04:00 PM
    Alty,

    I'll just say that it is good that you said your peace... perhaps you planted a seed for thought. Maybe, along with what everyone else has said to him, he will truly give it some consideration. If not now, as he is in love and likes how the relationship makes him feel right now, then he likely will down the road when things are less rosy.

    Who knows, whether they remain together or not, maybe things will change and relationships will be mended. That is all you can hope for at this point.
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    #39

    Apr 21, 2014, 04:31 PM
    Thanks both of you. I did get to say my peace, and that's all I can do. I told him that I wouldn't mention it again, that the rest is up to him.

    I did stress that anyone that's in your life, should accept your children. He can have both. Even though it gives me the creeps that he's engaged to a child, one only 2 years older than his youngest daughter, I've never ever said to him that I think it's wrong. She's legal.

    I've never told him I disagree with this because of her age, even though I do. My only issue is that he's giving up his children for her, because that's what she wants. Again, doesn't take a genius to figure out why. She found her daddy figure, and she doesn't want to share him with the other kids.

    But I'm out of it on his end. From now on I'm concentrating on being there for his kids. But, if he calls me for advice, or wants to be back in my life, of course I'll be there for him as well. He's like a brother to me. I think that's what hurts the most. He's not only distancing himself from his kids, but his parents, and his brother, as well. Both my parents are deceased, I'm an only child. I'd give anything to have my parents back. He has his, and he's throwing it all away for some child he's only known a few months.
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    #40

    Apr 21, 2014, 08:36 PM
    The best and really only thing that matters is getting his kids through this because they need the love and guidance and support of all of you to cope with all this.

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