[Silvana71]

My daughter is 9 and has a best friend that wants her all to herself in the playground, my daughter has many friends and likes to play with a mixture of children, her best friend has recently been running off crying causing my daughter to comfort her for the rest of play. Any ideas from anyone how my daughter and I can solve this as I am friends also with the mother and donot want to cause bad feeling. Thanks

[joypulv]

She's at an age where you can advise, but mostly let her work this out on her own, and without involving the other mother (at least not yet). It's a good time to tell her about life, loyalty, and what a dilemma is. Offer a few concrete suggestions for her to wean herself from her friend's selfishness without being mean. Ask her to let you know each day how it's going. This is a good learning experience for her, and teaches her about relationships, neediness, and what to do when friendship conflicts with differences in wishes.

I might start with the suggestion that she talk to her friend when they are alone and before something happens - and give her a simple one liner to use. 'I don't want to lose my other friends too, so you are going to have to be less needy.' Warn her that she will have to wing it after that, until the next time it happens. You can't orchestrate a solution all in one step. But let her know that you are there to offer suggestions until it's solved.

[Jake2008]

I would speak to both your daughter, about how to manage the situation, but, I would also speak to the other child's mother.

Let her know that you're encouraging your daughter to play with all her friends, and that although you like her daughter, she's become very dependent on your daughter, to the point of crying when she can't have her all to herself.

To leave this issue simmering, will only result in resentment from your daughter's friend, and her mother, who will probably feel like her daughter is being left out.

Your daughter will be forced into an 'all or nothing' situation at school, and her friend will increase the pressure and control over your daughter, in order to have a friend. It will force your daughter to be in a position of rejecting her entirely, and bad feelings may lead to more trouble, rather than less.

I don't doubt that your child's friend's mother is already aware that her daughter doesn't 'fit in', and these things, especially in this age group, in my opinion, don't often just go away, or result in the one left out, suddenly having many friends. If her mother is not aware her daughter's demanding, controlling behavior (at times), then she should be, and if talked about with the mother in a gentle way, may add to what this mother already knows.

The schoolyard can be a mean place for those kids like your daughter's friend, and I doubt that the child in question hasn't faced many rejections already from other children, and she'll probably face more.

I think that teaching your daughter to handle situations like this is very important, but equally important is recognizing that that alone may not be enough, and a talk to her mother may help smooth the situation.