[sypher373]

This confuses me, so maybe I should stop thinking about it... Maybe someone can understand it...

How can someone tell you things such as "I still have very strong feelings for you", "I am miserable constantly becuase your gone now", "I know im making a mistake by leaving you" and "I still think about our future constantly, even though I know I have eliminated that" - but still break up with you and say she needs to be sure her feelings for other people are completely gone.

I know it sounds like she is trying to play a game, but I have made it VERY apparent that I am not waiting around, and if she is to come back because she regrets it, there is a large possibility it will be too late. That said, it is hard to not think about her coming back when there seems to be so much supporting it, though I keep it out of my head, and try to live like there's no hope.

If she knows it's a mistake, why would she do it...

Does this make sense to anyone? My brain is going to explode :o

[Jiser]

Block the person from your life, delete them, drop of the face of the earth. It can be done! Healthier for you and them :) Ive pretty much done it so why can't you. ;) I feel so much better for doing it to.

[Zeus2007]

This confuses me, so maybe i should stop thinking about it....Maybe someone can understand it...

How can someone tell you things such as "I still have very strong feelings for you", "I am miserable constantly becuase your gone now", "I know im making a mistake by leaving you" and "I still think about our future constantly, even though I know I have eliminated that" - but still break up with you and say she needs to be sure her feelings for other people are completely gone.

I know it sounds like she is trying to play a game, but i have made it VERY apparant that I am not waiting around, and if she is to come back becuase she regrets it, there is a large possibility it will be too late. That said, it is hard to not think about her coming back when there seems to be so much supporting it, though I keep it out of my head, and try to live like theres no hope.

If she knows its a mistake, why would she do it...

Does this make sense to anyone? My brain is going to explode :o

Yeah, 2 things possible... 1 she is lying to save one of you two pain or trouble. 2. She is completely cofused herself, Take the best advice out there and give space and time if she comes to you then all is good otherwise you're too nice. Then come the words we all dread. Lets be friends or something of the like and you're the fallback guy or girl. Be tough that will give you your answer.

[louie1]

This confuses me, so maybe i should stop thinking about it....Maybe someone can understand it...

How can someone tell you things such as "I still have very strong feelings for you", "I am miserable constantly becuase your gone now", "I know im making a mistake by leaving you" and "I still think about our future constantly, even though I know I have eliminated that" - but still break up with you and say she needs to be sure her feelings for other people are completely gone.

I know it sounds like she is trying to play a game, but i have made it VERY apparant that I am not waiting around, and if she is to come back becuase she regrets it, there is a large possibility it will be too late. That said, it is hard to not think about her coming back when there seems to be so much supporting it, though I keep it out of my head, and try to live like theres no hope.

If she knows its a mistake, why would she do it...

Does this make sense to anyone? My brain is going to explode :o

Oddly enough I understand !
For 15 years I had someone in my life he was an ex boyfriend and we stayed in contact by email, all the while we were married we always thought we were made for each other and one day would be together.last year both of our marriages broke down and we both became single, we saw each other for a short while and it felt like we had never been apart he was great and we would quite easily fit into each others lives. Then he was going to move in and I freaked it did not seem right and I called it all off, he is still angry weeks on and even though I still sometimes see a future with him I am not ready to commit as I broke up my marriage due to feelings I had for someone else whom I am still very much in love with but we are not together.So yes I can see where she is coming from and believe me if she has thoughts for another then it would not be fair on either of you if she committed now.

[grammadidi]

I beg to differ with you.

You haven't made it VERY apparent that you are not waiting around. You continue to read her messages, take her calls, whatever. That says, I'm hanging in here, wanting you to come back, waiting for you.

She is trying to get you to do exactly that and that's not fair! She is saying, "IF I figure this out and want you back, I want you to still be there waiting for me."

Not only that... she will never figure out what she REALLY wants because you are still there!! If she decides that she is 'over' the other guy, maybe she will come back to you. But unless she understands what it truly feels like without you, trust me, she WILL do this to you again. She needs to know that you CAN do it without her and she CAN do it without you. I really think she is very insecure and uses control as a way to cover it up.

In my honest opinion, she does NOT love you. Look... you love her, right?? Would you do this to HER?? No! She needs to learn that when she says it's over, it REALLY is over. Why would you even want her if she had feelings for another guy while you were together anyhow?? If she truly cared for you she wouldn't keep putting you through this! She would take the space she says she needs, take a decent amount of time to genuinely figure it out, and then let you know how she feels after all is said and done.

My (deceased) husband and I dated a year then lived together nearly 2 years when he had second thoughts. Hey, I understood. He was feeling like marriage but I had two teenagers and was a pretty independent gal. So, like most people, I tried to get him to work it out while I was there in his life. Of course it didn't work. So, I made a decision. I finally found my own place, moved out, and even dated other people. Eleven months later he asked me to marry him. If he had of decided that he wanted to move on I would have been fine because I was adequately involved in a well-rounded lifestyle - my job, school, kids, friends, dating, family, hobbies, etc. If I had found someone else that I loved, oh, well! Then that would have been what was meant to happen.

If he had of found someone else there would definitely have been some sadness, for I loved him - but... because I loved him I knew that I had to give him the space he needed in order to move on. He loved me, I KNEW he did. That was further reinforced because he did not play me after we split up. My family continued to invite him to family functions because they were the only family he had, but I usually came with a date and he never tried to interfere. Eventually he figured it out.

Did it hurt? Oh, yes! Did I miss him? Incredibly! Did I run up there when he asked me to come and clip the cat's nails?? Nope! He needed to experience my absence.

Look, I guess what I am saying is that IF she cares at all she will leave you alone while she figures all this out for herself. Maybe you need to tell her that? She told you she wanted to end it because she didn't think it was fair to you... well, neither is what she is doing now. Come on, Sypher!! Stick to your guns about this or you will never be happy!

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you really need to start concentrating on what's best for YOU!

Hugs, Didi

[sypher373]

Didi,
That doesn't sound harsh at all, and to be fair, I forgot to mention something.

She had still be contacting me and I was ignoring it. I was getting a bit annoyed with the constant contact, so I decided to have a talk with her again, and this time leave nothing to be questioned. I told her that I can't be friends with her, I can't act as a safety net and I can't let her use me to make herself feel better. There is no way I can be better if she uses me to make herself feel better.

I wish I had told you that, because I believe after that conversation I made it very clear, before that... your right, it wasn't very clear at all. I told her that I really don't need to hear from her, unless she wants to get back together. I also said, If I ever get to the point where I think we can be friends, I will contact her. I made it clear that I am (finally) standing up for myself, and not letting myself be walked on. I hope this clears some of that up.

I have every intention of moving on, and to be honest, I feel good about this. I feel good that the constant reminders of her and what she's doing at gone. I am accepting what has happened, and that there is nothing I can do about it. I needed to tell her that I'm not waiting around for her, but I will be here and she knows how to contact me if/when she decides she needs to.

yeah, 2 things possible ... 1 she is lying to save one of you two pain or trouble. 2. She is completely cofused herself, Take the best advice out there and give space and time if she comes to you then all is good otherwise youre too nice. Then come the words we all dread. Lets be freinds or something of the like and youre the fallback guy or girl. Be tough that will give you your answer.

As far as that goes, I am certain that the problem is that she is completely and utterly confused. She has NO IDEA what she wants, and she needs the space to figure that out. I told her that the best advice I can give to her is to finish school (5 weeks), and then stop talking/seeing this other kid, as she has done with me. I told her she needs time to herself and by herself to figure out what she truly wants. What she does now, is not my problem, I gave her my advice, and I'm stepping away from it.

Jiser, its funny that you use that term, because I had used the phrase "I have to drop off the face of the Earth" to her. At this point, I'm not contacting her unless I want to be friends, or she contacts me first with a real reason to do so...

I guess what my original issue was this... its very hard for me to live like there is no hope of a reconciliation (which is what I'm doing now) when it seems so likely to happen. I am living with no hope, and I am thinking of nothing but my future and how I can be a better person, its just hard to have this conflict in my mind..

Thanks for all the advice guys,

And sorry for the scare Didi :), I am quite sure that after our final conversation, she got the hint and there will be no more mistakes about it.

[grammadidi]

Heh-heh! You just KNEW I would have something to say, right?? :D

[sypher373]

Heh-heh! You just KNEW I would have something to say, right???? :D

I love to read your responses. It helps a lot because I feel like I have people here that I have never known, probably never will know, but they still look out for me and want the best for me.

Im feeling better about all of this, and I know that time is making it better. The sad times are much fewer and further between, and I'm sure that will just get better... I owe you for a lot that...

Thanks a bunch :D :D

[chobitsfan13]

This confuses me, so maybe i should stop thinking about it....Maybe someone can understand it...

How can someone tell you things such as "I still have very strong feelings for you", "I am miserable constantly becuase your gone now", "I know im making a mistake by leaving you" and "I still think about our future constantly, even though I know I have eliminated that" - but still break up with you and say she needs to be sure her feelings for other people are completely gone.

I know it sounds like she is trying to play a game, but i have made it VERY apparant that I am not waiting around, and if she is to come back becuase she regrets it, there is a large possibility it will be too late. That said, it is hard to not think about her coming back when there seems to be so much supporting it, though I keep it out of my head, and try to live like theres no hope.

If she knows its a mistake, why would she do it...

Does this make sense to anyone? My brain is going to explode :o

Haha sorry but I couldn't help but to laugh because that's so confusing. Well she probably had another boyfriend and she probably really does care about you but can't be with you because she also has feelings with another person. That could be it or she's just playing a game. I really think its one of those two. Well anyway, good luck.

[sypher373]

Haha sorry but I couldnt help but to laugh because thats so confusing. Well she probably had another boyfriend and she probably really does care about you but can't be with you because she also has feelings with another person. That could be it or she's just playing a game. I really think its one of those two. Well anyway, good luck.

Im pretty sure I've got it figured out...

She doesn't have another boyfriend... though she does have feelings for someone else..
At this point, she's so confused she has NO IDEA what she wants. My being around her, or in her life at all, isn't helping her or me. By sticking around, I'm not letting her figure out what she wants, and I'm keeping myself hurting longer than I have to.

Its time for me to start healing, while she figures out what she wants. She's in no condition to be in a relationship with anyone, me or him, and she knows it. She's doing this for herself, so I'm going to start healing for myself. When she figures it out, if its me she wants, I do believe in second chances, though it would be a long, slow process or her rebuilding my trust -- certainly wouldn't be back to normal in a week or two :)

[grammadidi]

WOOHOO!! He's got it! LOL

I am touched by your previous post. You are most welcome. You are right, there are a lot of people here that want the best for you.

Hugs, Didi

[origins13]

Yes. She's probably not playing any mind game but simply not mature enough to know what she wants to consider your feelings. She need to block her out of your life (at least for some time) to allow yourself to heal.

[sypher373]

WOOHOO!!! He's got it! LOL

I am touched by your previous post. You are most welcome. You are right, there are a lot of people here that want the best for you.

Hugs, Didi

I suppose I do have it... :)

Now the hardest part is when she finds a way to contact me and I know its something serious. When she is REALLY upset that something happened, I need to be disciplined enough not to respond. She needs to know I'm not here, and I need to know she's not going to despise me for it. I've cut all forms of contact, except the phone number that she isn't going to lose in a hurry :)

In any event, she's going to get the hint if she keeps getting reminded I can't give her the emotional support if she isn't willing to be with me.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi Sypher, I got this question by P.M from you and I hope you don't mind but I wanted to share it with others in case they can provide further insight into your question. I do not normally share PM's but this one I think would be useful for others to read too.

Hey Geoff,

Well, I guess there are a few developments in my situation and I wanted to see your opinion on it.

This is what it comes down to...She has feelings for this same guy. She wants to be single, i suppose to see if there is anything there, and to see if what we have is meant to be. I have a feeling he is not going to work out well for a few reasons....

1) He has said in the past, he doesnt really want a relationship with her.
2) He still talks with his ex-girlfriend
3) He is moving in a month almost an hour away
4) He told her that he "sort of likes her", though those feelings may be changing slowly.

Now I know she still cares for me. She has told me that the last week she has spent miserable, crying extremely upset because she hasn't been with me. She says she thinks about a future between us all the time, even though she has ended the relationship.

This is what I dont understand...She needs time and space from me, i suppose so she can figure out what she wants. She doesnt want to be with me, and i agree, when she has feelings for someone else. So at this point, she is either gonig to realize she doesnt want to be with him, or she is going to be with him and it will work or it wont.

I am trying to move on, and just act like it will never happen, but do you think I would be foolish to take her back if she gets hurt by him and realizes she wants me instead???

Its still hard to imagine her in a relatinoship with him, as it seems like thats becomming more of a possibility, but i dont know...

Thanks man.

sypher

Sypher, here is my honest opinion and you may not like it but being hurt like you have been, I understand what this must be doing to you.

Things are highly unlikely to last with this new guy from what you have said. Also, if she continues her pursuit of him, he will take what he can and then walk.. i.e he sounds like he may use her and then hurt her by walking. Seen this a lot in life.. She is very vulnerable at the moment and I don't doubt he sees this. Even if he does not do this, things between them will not last, I almost guarantee it. Again I don't say that to make you feel better, it is my opinion based on what you write.

Back to you. Would you be foolish to take her back if she got hurt and came running back. Sorry to say this sypher but... YES you would. You would be indirectly saying to her it is o.k to use you as a revolving door (so to speak) so that when she gets bored, she can walk in and out of your life. You would be her doormat... Her plan B.

By the way, she is manipulating you by saying the following:

She has told me that the last week she has spent miserable, crying extremely upset because she hasn't been with me. She says she thinks about a future between us all the time, even though she has ended the relationship.

She is saying this to keep you as a back up plan, her plan B in case things do not work out with what she is doing now. I expect she does have feelings for you sypher but her feelings are not as strong as yours otherwise she would not have done this. I don't doubt she was hurting when she did what she did because she probably cares for you but that does not mean she wants to be with you.

See, this all applies to me and my ex and your situation is quite similar to what I went through. Take it from me buddy!! Move On!

You can do better than this! Its up to you though.

Geoff..