Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    dwashbur's Avatar
    dwashbur Posts: 1,456, Reputation: 175
    Ultra Member
     
    #1

    Nov 5, 2013, 04:06 PM
    Why Are We Afraid To Call Death What It Is?
    This question is for an upcoming episode, but it's also very personal for me. A few years ago I lost my youngest sister to cancer; a few days ago I lost another good friend to this insidious, Satan-spawned bit of viciousness. I hate cancer with a passion that borders on mania, but that's not my question. My question has to do with how those of us who are left behind talk about death.

    Since my friend expired, I've seen the usual stream of good Christian cliches: he's in a better place, God needed him more on the other side (that one rankles me to no end), all things work together for good, God's ways are higher than ours, someday we'll understand - here's my question, as bluntly as I know how to put it:

    Why are we so afraid just to feel our grief and cry out "THIS REALLY SUCKS!"?

    Death is NOT a blessing. Death is not a triumph. Death is not anything good. I'm going to die someday, and yeah, THAT REALLY SUCKS. If I live long enough, I'll have to get through the death of my beloved wife. THAT REALLY SUCKS. There is nothing good about death. And just so we're clear, there's no such thing as "death with dignity." Death is the ultimate INdignity. I remember seeing my dad on a slab in an undertaker's office, and more than anything else, I was struck by how helpless he appeared. That's not dignity.

    Paul agrees with me. He calls death "the last enemy." Enemies are something to be resisted and defeated, and this is the big one.

    So, back to the question. Why do we feel such a need to gloss over the ugliness and try to make it into some deep, spiritual lesson in faith and endurance? It's not. It bites the big one. It takes those we care about. It steals potential wisdom from us by taking people from us who have learned things we don't yet understand. It leaves us lonely and shattered. How in the name of common sense can we just blow all that off in favor of empty rhetoric? As Christians, we still have feelings and we can still hurt. Why are we afraid to acknowledge it?

    Even Jesus did. John 11; how did he react when his friend died? Guess what: in his own unique way, he said "this really sucks." And he was right.

    Okay, I'm going to have to take a step back here and get out of rant mode, and ask my question, which I believe I've already expressed more than once: why are we afraid to call death what it is? An enemy. A travesty. An indignity. An ultimate insult. And why are we so afraid to be angry about it? Anger is a natural reaction to a situation like the loss of my friend. And I for one am not above expressing it. And I believe God understands, and truthfully, I tend to suspect He agrees. But I'm a distinct minority, if the stuff I see around me is any indication.

    I would like people's thoughts as to why you think this is the situation in American Christianity.

    Way too verbose, but there it is. Thoughts?
    hauntinghelper's Avatar
    hauntinghelper Posts: 2,854, Reputation: 290
    Paranormal and Spiritual Interests
     
    #2

    Nov 5, 2013, 05:04 PM
    I very much agree. I think the reason it is candy coated and made to sound like a blessing is simply because most people don't understand it It hurts, it's confusing and it's scary. The only OK death is a born again individual who lived a full life in which they simply ran their course. But even in that "best" situation it still pains those left behind, even when we know they are at peace with the Lord.
    jakester's Avatar
    jakester Posts: 582, Reputation: 165
    Senior Member
     
    #3

    Nov 5, 2013, 05:41 PM
    Dave - first off, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I've buried so many people in my life at this point and one would think it would get easier but it doesn't... I actually think it hurts more because I feel it more. So my heart goes out to you because I know how that kind of pain really hurts the heart.

    To your question, then. Honestly, I look at this stuff from a few different angles. First, I think maybe most people say those trite and pithy things because they don't know what else to say. I mean, when you watch someone hurting, part of us feels helpless in the moment and we think that there is some magical thing we can say that will take someone's pain away. But that is very shallow and very lacking in perspective. Anyone with wisdom would understand that it takes time to put someone's death in perspective and try to move on.

    Secondly, I do see in our culture a growing philosophy that sees human emotion and vulnerability as a sign of weakness. People react negatively to people with depression and sort of pat them on the head, like "now, now, you gotta just get over that stuff." When I was going through a very painful divorce and had reached my breaking point, I confided to my boss at the time that I was going through a divorce and was having a tough time. And then she says to me "everybody goes through a divorce, it's no big deal." Up until that point in my life, I had never met anyone who was so callous and uncaring. But then I reflected on other conversations with people who tried to downplay other people's plights in life and I concluded that a lot of people are like this.

    Thirdly, I think people who haven't suffered great loss in their life are more flippant when it comes to death and seeing people suffer. If they haven't felt considerable pain before, they don't really appreciate suffering in others and are puzzled by it. They treat suffering as no big deal and prescribe catchy phrases thinking that it is a reasonable solution to what ails somebody. You can't teach someone how to respect suffering in others, we have to go through it ourselves in order to appreciate it for what it is.

    As you pointed out, Jesus was not indifferent to people's pain. He wept with his disciples when Lazarus died. He felt their pain and he felt it for himself, because he was a friend to Jesus. I think it is rather odd and partly sociopathic of people who cannot cry or appreciate it when someone is hurting at the loss of others. But I am of the same opinion of you, Dave, and I think sometimes that your views expressed here are definitely in the minority.

    Be well and may the peace of God comfort your heart in the days ahead.
    dwashbur's Avatar
    dwashbur Posts: 1,456, Reputation: 175
    Ultra Member
     
    #4

    Nov 5, 2013, 06:09 PM
    Good points, Jakester. Those are some things that hadn't occurred to me. But I'd like to toss out another idea for general consideration.

    Proposal:
    One reason Christians in particular have such a hard time dealing with these things is because we're afraid of appearing vulnerable - for "vulnerable," read "unspiritual" - in front of each other. If I break down, throw a massive fit and describe exactly what I think of death, and especially death by cancer, in a series of colorful usually-four-letter expressions, I know there are a LOT of Christians who are going to look down on me, not just for my vocabulary but for releasing my emotions and expressing precisely what I'm feeling. I've been on the receiving end of that; for that matter, I've been on the giving end of it, much to my shame. We're so afraid of each other that we can't even express ourselves the way the Lord did.

    That's my thought. Y'all please fire away.
    jakester's Avatar
    jakester Posts: 582, Reputation: 165
    Senior Member
     
    #5

    Nov 5, 2013, 06:26 PM
    No, I agree with you completely. I didn't mention this before but I believe that the Christian community has embraced (at some psycho-emotional level) the idea that I wrote about earlier, that people who react emotionally or exhibit anger and frustration are seen as weak. That perspective has leaked into Christendom and people embrace it. You are seen as un-spiritual for feeling out loud and displaying frustration and anger of any kind. It's an incredible burden to put on somebody, when we expect him to just take pain in stride and never act out emotionally. And yet that kind of perspective is pervasive in the church... I've been there and know exactly what you are talking about.

    Christians, of all people, ought to be the first to join people in their pain and be a comfort to them. I'm afraid that the church is really failing in that regard and it's part of the reason why so many people are leaving its ranks. I'm sorry but the Christian life is not "come to Jesus and he will solve all our problems and take pain away." The Christian life entails trials and tribulations and when we try to ignore pain and suffering in our own lives or in the lives of others, we are not being honest about reality. Life is hard and it is full of disappointment, grief, loss, and pain. Anyone who tries to deny those realities is a fool and I'd wonder if they've really been doing business with the truth.

    So I'm sympathetic to what you are saying.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #6

    Nov 5, 2013, 06:30 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jakester View Post
    You are seen as un-spiritual for feeling out loud and displaying frustration and anger of any kind.
    Yup. So often I've heard, "Where is your FAITH?"
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #7

    Nov 5, 2013, 06:53 PM
    I'm not Christian, but I saw your thread and I had to respond. I lost both of my parents to cancer a little more than 6 months apart. I lost both my grandparents to cancer, my husband lost both his parents to cancer, I've lost other family members to cancer. Sometimes I wonder what legacy I'm leaving my children, I know that I'll likely die of cancer, as will my husband, as will my children. To me, if there is a hell, it's living with and dying from cancer, and hell on earth is waiting for it to happen, because you just know it will.

    Before my parents died, every time a friend lost a family member I paid the normal platitudes "He/she is in a better place. At least they're not suffering anymore. They're with God. You'll see them again some day". All that bull that does nothing at all to help the person that's grieving.

    When I lost my parents I got the same bull. I really wanted someone to say "This sucks. They were so young, they didn't deserve to die. You didn't deserve to lose them. This entire thing just really sucks, but I'll be here for you no matter what. Cry, scream, vent, throw things, because this is an injustice". No one ever said those words.

    Me, I spent a lot of time yelling at God, telling him that I hate him for what he took from me. Others told me to love God, to accept that everything He does is for a reason. Really? What possible reason could He have to take two wonderful people not only from my life, but my children's lives? My daughter never even knew them, my son was not yet 2 1/2 years old when my dad died, and not yet 3 when my mom died. So what reason was there? 12 years later I still don't know the reason why, and yes, I'm still angry at God for it.

    I'm no longer a Christian, I do still believe that there is a God, but I can't believe that the God that exists is that of Christian tales. I just can't. If He's supposed to be our Father, and all that other stuff Christians preach, than why? WHY! There's no reason.

    Me, I believe that God is real, but he doesn't give a damn about us. We're ants, sometimes he puts us in a colony and watches, amused by what we do, other times he takes out a magnifying glass and burns us to a crisp. I've been burned too many times to think otherwise.

    But death, it's the ultimate pain. Not so much for those that died, they did their suffering fighting to live. But the pain of those left behind, with nothing but Christian platitudes about their loved ones being with God, being in a better place, that's a whole new level of suffering. Call it what it is. Death sucks for everyone! It just sucks. There's nothing about it that can be consoled by Christian platitudes.

    I'm sorry for you loss, and it does suck! It really does!
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #8

    Nov 5, 2013, 06:58 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Alty View Post
    What possible reason could He have to take two wonderful people not only from my life, but my children's lives?
    That's the false belief. God DIDN'T take them from you. That's not why they died. God had nothing to do with it.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #9

    Nov 5, 2013, 07:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    That's the false belief. God DIDN'T take them from you. That's not why they died. God had nothing to do with it.
    So the Christian belief that God is all powerful, is wrong. According to Christian belief God can split seas, feed millions, cure any disease. So, if he didn't take them, he just refused to save them. He may not have given them cancer, but he didn't stop them from dying of it.

    But I'm really not hear to discuss my beliefs, or give anyone a venue to try to convert me back to Christianity. I posted because I agree with Dwashbur, and I'm posting my story.

    You're more than welcome to your belief, I have no qualms about what you believe, or why. I merely posted mine so that people that don't know me, understand where I'm coming from. You won't get bible quotes from me, you won't get any of the "But God loves you, and you should accept that his will was done" crap from me. I lost too many people to cancer, and it sucks, God or no God it sucks. I'm posting to offer my support and understanding to Dwashbur. If he wants only a Christian perspective on death, I'll leave the thread.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #10

    Nov 5, 2013, 07:17 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Alty View Post
    So the Christian belief that God is all powerful
    Just because God is all powerful doesn't mean he takes our loved ones from us on a whim. Dwashbur would agree with me. The rain falls on the Christian and the non-Christian, and death comes to all, Christian or non-Christian. God's not the one causing the illness or the death, and yes, those Christians are wrong who mutter platitudes and frown on those who mourn.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #11

    Nov 5, 2013, 07:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Just because God is all powerful doesn't mean he takes our loves ones from us on a whim. Dwashbur would agree with me. The rain falls on the Christian and the non-Christian, and death comes to all, Christian or non-Christian. God's not the one causing the illness or the death, and yes, those Christians are wrong who mutter platitudes and frown on those who mourn.
    I do agree with that.

    Just once, after my parents died, when I was hanging by a thread, the only thing keeping me here being my son and my husband, I wish someone had said "You got the short end of the stick, it really sucks, you have every right to be mad, and I'll be mad right along side of you".

    To this day if I mention my parents, the first thing out of most people's mouths are "They're at peace, they're no longer in pain, they're with God, you'll see them again some day". I just want to remember their lives, and I'd love it if one person could get past it long enough to reminisce with me, tell me the stories they remember, talk about our memories, keep them alive in our hearts instead of offering platitudes.

    I truly hope I'll see them one day, even if I'm still mad at God and really haven't forgiven him, but in the meantime I'm stuck on Earth, missing them, mad because of what they had to suffer through, and what I'm suffering through due to their loss. Most of all I'm mad at what my kids lost, without even knowing what they lost.

    But I really don't want to turn this into a thread about me. I really don't. I'm just agreeing with Dwashbur. Death isn't natural, and platitudes don't help. The best thing you can do for someone that's lost a loved one, is cry with them, hold them, get angry with them, throw things, talk about the good times, and just be there for them, even if they're mad at God because of it all.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #12

    Nov 5, 2013, 07:41 PM
    I've lost many friends and relatives to cancer, heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, you name it. In fact, I'm at an age where I know more dead people than living ones. And I'm on my way out. All the people in the generation before me (in my family and husband's family), except for my mom, have died. That means my generation is next, and some have already passed.

    When someone loses a loved one, we can't just mutter, "Let me know if you need me for anything." They very probably won't call and ask. A grieving person isn't thinking of what he needs, about what to serve for dinner, about who to call to chat with. A grieving person is just sitting there and raging or crying or cursing God, very much curled up within himself. To help in the best possible way, provide a home-cooked meal or child care or grocery shopping or transportation somewhere. Let them rage and hold their hand and yes, give them a hug. "I'm here for you." And be there for them. Let them talk about their anger, about their loved one who died, and say as little as possible. Just be there.
    dwashbur's Avatar
    dwashbur Posts: 1,456, Reputation: 175
    Ultra Member
     
    #13

    Nov 5, 2013, 08:47 PM
    Wow, I have some catching up to do. Alty, I get exactly what you're talking about. Someday I'll have to tell my story. And yeah, I've been as guilty as anybody else of trying to fill an awkward silence with a platitude.

    Thing is, the older I get, the more comfortable I am saying "I don't know." Why did cancer get your parents? I don't know. Why did a massive MI get my dad? No clue. But I have to believe that there really is some kind of plan - or plot, if you prefer - and there's a reason for all this crap, whether I'll ever understand it or not. For me, there has to be. Otherwise, what's the point?

    This is something I've come to understand in my study of the Bible, as well. There's stuff in there that we're just never going to understand. Part of the reason is because we're just too far removed from some of the events and cultures to grasp what was going on. Part is because too much of our translation is guesswork; we don't have any native speakers to tell us what this ancient Flerbittybobbian word means. And part of the reason we'll never understand it all is because major portions of both Testaments are human attempts to describe the indescribable. For example, we see hell described as a fire, darkness, emptiness, chains - how can it be all those things? It can't; those are attempts to describe the incomprehensible. Likewise for heaven. That's why there are so many divergent depictions of it in art; nobody knows, so they come up with the best imagery they know how, however inadequate it is.

    My own view is that any God worthy of the name is going to be beyond my comprehension, otherwise he/she/it is as finite as I am, and probably just as screwed-up. The finite is never going to be able to grasp, much less explain, the infinite. That's why I can continue to believe there's a reason, even though I haven't a clue what it is, and even though believing it doesn't usually do that much to help the heartache.

    For that, I turn to screaming and throwing things.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #14

    Nov 5, 2013, 09:21 PM
    Dwashbur, your above post hit me very deeply. More so than any thread anyone on this site, or anyone anywhere else, ever has. I'm being entirely sincere when I say that.

    I would love to hear your story, I've told you mine. What you don't know is that I'm an only child, my parents went through 8 years of surgery and heartache to have me, I was their miracle. They were the best parents ever, at least as far as I'm concerned. They were my everything. To lose them just when I was starting my family, at the age of 30, so close together, it was just too much.

    I changed more that year, fell more that year, than all the other horrible things in my life were able to change me. I was able to survive being molested by a cousin (my parents never knew), I was able to survive being raped (my parents never knew), I was able to survive everything else, but losing them, it changed me to someone I no longer even recognize. Losing them made me lose myself somehow. To explain that would take a book.

    I wish that I could say that 12 years later I've found a way to go on, to get over their loss and find my own way, but that would be a lie. If at all possible I'm even more at a loss without them now, than I was back then.

    I do believe in God, but I have to be honest, a part of me doesn't want to. A part of me wants to never believe again, because then I can't be mad, I can't be upset, I can't question why. If there is no God, then what happened just happened. If there is a God, which I do believe there is, than in my mind he let it happen, and I can't forgive him for that. I just can't. I love God, and at the same time I hate him, I hate him so much. It's a very horrible feeling, both love and hate.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
    Expert
     
    #15

    Nov 5, 2013, 10:14 PM
    Cancer survivor here...

    I don't know why people think that there is anything wrong with "screaming and throwing things." I don't understand why people think you shouldn't get mad at God when our loved ones pass. Anger is part of the grief process and it is perfectly okay.

    I was raised a Catholic, but I no longer practice that or any religion. I struggle with wondering if there really is a God. I have a scientific mind and I need proof. I haven't seen any proof that is acceptable to my mind.

    I believe that people tell us "they are in a better place," or "they are at peace," etc. is so that it makes them feel better. Not us, but them.

    When my friends husband passed away from a heart attack last year, I went over to her house. We broke dishes, we screamed, we yelled and we cried. Finally, we slept.

    For me, death is not biblical, but scientific. I guess I can't wrap my head around what is untouchable to me.

    Why did I survive but others have not? I can offer scientific advice, but not the intangible that is God.

    I logged a body in the morgue the other morning. A suicide by cop. If there is a God, why did that 64 year old woman do what she did? Why didn't he save her?

    I am surrounded by death and dying every day that I walk in to work and clock in. I've delivered babies who had died weeks before they were delivered from their mother's womb. If there is a God, why did He create those babies only to take them away before their first breath?
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
    Expert
     
    #16

    Nov 6, 2013, 03:34 AM
    My son and I share a lot of good, funny memories of my mom. We both miss her. It was her time to go and I don't for a minute feel that god took her before her time, she was 95 when she left us.

    I dream about her often, never wake up unhappy, but happy to have seen her again. In fact I am recording a series off numbers she is leaving me in these random dreams. These numbers come up in odd ways, one was a date for an appt. another was a street address. I am thinking lottery numbers. Anyway, I feel it is just like my mom to be thinking of ways to make something better for someone she loved dearly.

    This is my way of dealing with her passing, feeling happy and fulfilled. God has nothing to do with it.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #17

    Nov 6, 2013, 04:37 AM
    I don't feel that there is a reason, a point, to suffering and death.
    I find that 'freeing' emotionally and spiritually, rather than rendering life meaningless.
    I suppose it's more Buddhist than Christian or any other religion, but I am not a Buddhist.
    The meaning of life is nothing more than what each of us decides it means.
    I mourn loss of others, but I don't ask why they 'had to die.' There is no reason, to me, and I prefer to think that way, after many years of angst in my youth.

    People in other cultures grieve openly, with wailing and crawling and letting others attend to them. They have days of the dead. They put their deceased out on tables or hammocks or biers surrounded by flowers. Many don't have money for a funeral right away, so have to wrap bodies in palm leaves and keep them a while. Children learn about death, and everyone is in close contact with what it's like.
    We Americans, perhaps because of the heritage of our Colonialists, removed ourselves from the presence of death, and the emotion. We more and more remove ourselves from dead bodies, letting hospitals and nursing homes handle it.
    I was with my father when he couldn't stand up and fell back on his bed and died. I had to get him all the way onto the bed, and the term 'dead weight' really hit home. I had helped him move before and it wasn't the same at all. I heard him exhale 3 times over about 2 minutes, after he stopped inhaling, and had no idea that was standard. I saw him twitch once or twice, even after the nurse had arrived and sat there calmly, even cheerfully, patting his hand while she talked about any old thing, as we waited for the funeral home people to arrive. I AM SO GLAD I was there, and I am so glad he was home.

    I too grit my teeth when given platitudes. I try to work on ways to comfort other people, and find that the time honored tradition of just being warm and loving, saying very little while bustling around getting food together, and later handling practical matters, is best.

    Platitudes are especially awful when small children die. No, time does not heal all wounds.
    smearcase's Avatar
    smearcase Posts: 2,392, Reputation: 316
    Ultra Member
     
    #18

    Nov 6, 2013, 11:24 AM
    This how Tom Jefferson saw it:
    "The most fortunate of us, in our journey through life, frequently meet with calamities and misfortunes which may greatly afflict us; and, to fortify our minds against the attacks of these calamities and misfortunes, should be one of the principal studies and endeavours of our lives. The only method of doing this is to assume a perfect resignation to the Divine will, to consider that whatever does happen, must happen; and that by our uneasiness, we cannot prevent the blow before it does fall, but we may add to its force after it has fallen. These considerations, and others such as these, may enable us in some measure to surmount the difficulties thrown in our way; to bear up with a tolerable degree of patience under this burthen of life; and to proceed with a pious and unshaken resignation, till we arrive at our journey’s end, when we may deliver up our trust into the hands of him who gave it, and receive such reward as to him shall seem proportioned to our merit. "

    Anger is on good way to add to the force of the blow after it has already fallen. Setting aside TJ's belief in predestiny and just calling it fate produces about the same result. But I admit to anger in my worst personal nightmare. But it didn't change one thing one iota.

    The big question is- if you had the power to radically change the way life and death work on this planet, what would be your redesign plan? I've tried to come up with a better plan but it gets very complicated, very quickly. The simplest plan would just be living forever and I guess at some point become a leathery lump of flesh in a corner for eternity.
    I think that Jefferson's last part of that quote implies that there will be a price to pay for that anger on judgment day.
    dwashbur's Avatar
    dwashbur Posts: 1,456, Reputation: 175
    Ultra Member
     
    #19

    Nov 6, 2013, 07:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ;
    I would love to hear your story,
    Okay, just remember, you asked! ;)

    I'm the last of 5, but I'm an oddity. After my youngest sister was born, my dad got a vasectomy. 14 years later, my mom turned up pregnant. Everybody who knew her said, "If it was anybody but Helen, I'd suspect some hanky panky. But her? Not a chance." And from the day I exited, there's never been any doubt who my father was; I look just like him. Anyway, because of that time gap, by the time I was 8 I was an only child.

    But I wasn't just an only child. My parents were a lot better off than they had been when the other 4 were growing up, so I was spoiled all to !@#$. I had everything I ever wanted, got to travel the entire country by the time I was 15, and pretty much never actually grew up. The closest I came was in 1971 when I joined the Army, hoping to get a non-combat assignment instead of being drafted and sent to Vietnam. That lasted 6 weeks and I was back home, having washed out pretty much from day one. I hadn't graduated high school due to a combination of ADHD and barbituates, so I got my GED and started college, studying music. But I didn't like what they were trying to teach me at the university, so when my mom had a major back surgery that put her in a full body cast, I quit school to go help care for her. I was going to school in my home town of Stockton, California (which I unaffectionately call the armpit of the state), but she had her surgery in Boise, Idaho, so I relocated and lived with them. For the next year, I really got to know my dad like never before. We would go on long walks together, do projects together, basically I picked his brain in every way possible, because he was - and still is, even though he's been gone since 1976 - the wisest man I ever knew.

    When my mom was able, we moved up into the mountains to a cabin that my dad owned, and we spent the summer there. During that summer I spent a lot of time in the nearest town, and when it came time to leave the cabin for the winter, I decided I wanted to move into that town. I even got a job at a local ski area. My parents realized they didn't really want to go back to California any more, so they started scouting places to buy and settled on a house in a town around 25 miles from where I wanted to be. They set me up in a little travel trailer in the town, and moved into a motel in their new town, while waiting to take possession of the house. That was November, 1976. On December 1, 1976, my dad walked my mom down to the local hair salon, then drove outside of town to take one of his usual walks. Only thing is, he never came back.

    The story is still jumbled as to whether someone driving by saw him fall, or if someone just noticed him lying beside the road, but someone called the authorities, and basically, he had a massive heart attack and was dead before his body hit the ground. His driver's license had my address on it, so I was the first one contacted. I got the distinct pleasure of telling my mom that her husband of 47 years wasn't coming home.

    She lived with me for a couple of weeks after that, but it wasn't working. She finally moved back to California and lived with her sister. That left me in WheretheheckamI, Idaho, a 22-going-on-14 adolescent with no idea how to live on his own. To make it even more fun, there was a mixup at his funeral, and somebody started singing a song that he absolutely hated. I was just reaching a point where I could let the grief flow when that song started, and it enraged me so bad I shut down. It was 15 years before I managed to mourn him effectively. That's the first thing I want to tell you, Alty: don't be like me. Find a way, whatever it takes, to let it go. For me, I wound up sitting on the ground in front of his headstone, just telling him exactly how angry I was at him for leaving me and telling my kids the story I just told you. Whatever it takes, do it. Otherwise, as you've discovered, it's going to eat you alive.

    He never got to meet my wife. He never got to meet my kids. On my wedding day I almost fell apart because there were so many things I wanted to ask him. (My big brother tried to fill that gap, but it's just not the same thing.) Not a day elapses when I don't use something he taught me, or quote something he told me. And I WANT MORE! But obviously I'm not going to get it.

    But I've dealt with that, the way I described above. It still sucks, but it doesn't rule me any more. That's the place you want to reach, that place where it doesn't dominate your thinking, doesn't affect your ability to believe what you need to, and you can enjoy your life with your family. The funny part is, that wasn't even my crisis of faith. That came much later. That's another story.

    How can I/we help you work through this?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #20

    Nov 6, 2013, 08:39 PM
    Dwashbur, that's an amazing story, and a heartbreaking one.

    Right now I'm in therapy, but everything the therapist is telling me, I already know. I was hoping he'd be able to give me some advice that no one talks about, that they save just for people that can't move on, but it's hush hush, can't be told to everyone. No such thing. ;)

    I have a wonderful husband, and two amazing kids. My husband misses my parents just as much as I do. He lost his dad when he was 16 to cancer, and his mother actually died after both of my parents. He misses his mother, but he mourns more for my parents. They were such a huge part of our life, we did everything together, vacations, dinner at least every Sunday, seeing each other pretty much every day, talking every day. They helped us buy our house, they helped us do the landscaping, build the fence, build the patio (my mom and I laid each brick together). We poured concrete under the deck. Our hand prints, my parents and our dog Indy's prints are in the concrete.

    Everywhere I turn there's a memory of them. Sometimes it's a comfort, sometimes it hurts. But there's not a place we can go in this town that doesn't remind me of them, and make me miss them.

    I've been telling the kids stories about my parents, stories they told me about, stories of when they were young, stories about when they weren't young. My dad was 60 when he died, my mom was 63 (yes, she married a younger man). :)

    There are days that I think I'm okay, but I know that I'm not.

    I appreciate the offer to help. Just being able to talk about them, and have someone listen, helps a great deal. The rest I know is up to me.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

Afraid of death [ 20 Answers ]

I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm terrified when thinking that one day my parents will die, my friends, my future husband etc. Even if I wasn't close to a person, but I knew him/her while they were alive, I'm still terrified. If I don't know the person I can see death as a normal part of life, but I...

How do I stop being afraid of death? [ 9 Answers ]

Since I was 8 years old I was always afraid of dying. It's not that I have some disease or anything but it just hit me one day that I'll be dead forever. It was really frequent, I rarely think of it now though I keep myself busy to avoid thinking about it. But I don't think anything causes it, and...

I'm afraid of death [ 13 Answers ]

I use to be happy young lad not caring about death because I knew I would go to god and spend a wonderful life in heaven. Now being a full on atheist I just can't get over the fact that one day I will die which can be any day now to 50 years or so from now. I'm still young but I can't accept the...

I am afraid to death of Cock roaches! [ 6 Answers ]

Hi Everyone, I want to know if it is normal to be afraid of bugs such as roaches, I am 22. I am not afraid of much of anything as far as heights, animals, needles, spiders, snakes, bugs, dark closed spaces, roller coasters, etc.. Well actually I am a tiny bit afraid of closed in elevators by...

I found my grandma but am too afraid to call! [ 13 Answers ]

Hello, I have found the information needed to actually contact my Gramdmother on my fathers side. This has taken quite a bit of effort and as you can imagine time. Now that I have the information I find myself "a deer in headlights" Background is after my father found out he had cancer he...


View more questions Search