[rytter]

So I've been here before and its helped me figure out life. My first ex that royally screwed me over never came back. The second ex did coming back, but ended up moving back to California. Then there was this...

I signed up for match.com and I met a wonderful girl. Well at least I thought that at first. We dated for around 6 months, up until 3 weeks ago when she dumped me.

The relationship was actually a pretty healthy one, we connected on so many levels and she was physically my perfect type. I actually thought I had been waiting for this girl my whole life. She had me trying new things, feeling comfortable around her and learning new things. It was pure bliss, I never thought I'd ever be so happy in my days.

A couple red flags though, she was about 3 months out of a long term relationship with an ex that she lived with. He ended up cheating on her with 5 different women than coming home to sleep in his bed with her. We were having intercourse one time and I asked for oral, she instantly got up walked in the bathroom, got dressed and left without saying one word. The relationship moved rather fast for being six months. She said she loved me in about 3 months in, and I just started to love her towards the end of it. She always needed to to text her in the morning, make plans, pursue her all the time.

So yea, we dated for 6 months it was acutally pretty good. I grew attached to her towards the end and ended up falling in love with the girl. We talked about having kids in a year, getting married and so on. She met my family, met my friends, we did so many fun activities together. I actually let my guard down, and we built this perfect relationship together. I learned a whole lot from this girl, and Im actually starting to feel terrible that it is all over.

So we got into an argument a couple mondays ago, over something stupid. We had plans to meet at a place and I told her I couldn't because I had to stay late for work. She said that's fine etc. So we rescheduled for that Tuesday. I end up seeing my buddy and he taught me how to shot gun a beer, I've never done it before and we did 6 each under an hour. Im not much of a drinker so I was feeling pretty good. I come back to my phone and I have like three pages of messages from her and she's ranting and raving about every little thing. Like me complaining about my job, or health issues, or anything in particular. I told her I was just venting to her for support, she does it to me sometimes. So I flip the switch and call her a name. At that moment she goes I guess this means where done, what's your address so I can mail you back your clothes.

A couple days go by and I apologize like a man, I honeslty am not that guy to ever disrespect a woman and I told her what I had to say. She ignored me. Than the following week I had sent her flowers to her house, with a note saying Can we talk over dinner? The following day she sent me a long text saying that I will find a girl that will better suit my personal needs, that she never felt respected in the whole relationship and that this was all too little too late. I than said Look I apologize for what happened, I realized that I was in the wrong and I don't want to give up on you. I realize some things that I can work on in the future, and If letting her go is the only way to get another chance with her than so be it. I wished her the best, and said good bye.

Now two weeks later on this day of no contact at all. She still never mailed me my clothes back, and she said she was going to in that last text two weeks ago. We didn't end on terrible terms, I really didn't beg too much or push her away in frustration like I did in the past with women. But yea, I still don't have my stuff back and she said she'd send them.

On the side note, she had blocked me on FB. Which is normal, I get it. But one day I noticed she had unblocked me, and I clicked her page like an idiot. She had three posts tagged with some new guy I guess she is seeing. The posts are about how much fun she's having, and best night ever stuff etc. I think it's to get me jealous or for me to break No contact, same with the clothes. Now this guy, she hung out with her sister and her sisters boyfriend a couple sundays ago and said she had a lot of fun. I thought nothing of it, and look where I am now.

What do I do? How do I handle this if she finally reaches out to me?

[joypulv]

Um... "if she finally reaches out to me?"

Why do you think she is going to? She has someone. Sure, maybe she unblocked you so you could suffer, but that doesn't mean she wants you back. Use Facebook messages to say that you want to pick up your clothes on X day at X time. Be early if she leaves them outside.

It's done, it's over.

[Wondergirl]

My first thought is that you were a rebound off her ex, and this new guy is a rebound off you. She hasn't ever given herself alone-time to grieve her breakups and then just jumps from one guy to another, probably so she isn't alone with herself and so she doesn't have to think about what went wrong (and her part in any of it).

As for your clothes, forget about them. And yes, I believe you were unblocked just so you would see the new guy and read how happy she is -- and maybe in your jealousy contact her so she can feel justified about slamming the door in your face. (But it feels so fine to be wanted by more than one guy....)

What to do? No Contact. Total No Contact.

[dontknownuthin]

You're not sexually compatible, she wasn't over her last relationship, you jumped into bed too soon, she's already jumped into a new relationship, you're binge drinking (at least once), the two of you have no idea how to communicate or resolve problems with each other, name-calling, maneuvers to check up on her by you, maneuvers to make you jealous by her... wow, it's astonishing it didn't work out when you consider all that.

Seriously, you need to raise the bar. Start by being a gentleman, not doing juvenile nonsense like "shot-gunning" beers, find out what the sexual boundaries are before you trounce through them, find a girl you can talk to easily (far more important than finding your physical ideal in a woman). When you're the right guy, you'll raise the bar on who the right girl is. Sounds like both of you were looking for drama and thrills, but that doesn't make for a very comfortable or secure relationship in the end. Live and learn.

[joypulv]

I finally have to say something personal that I've never said before, and I have said many many things on this site: I have never ever had a man ask for oral sex. If I gave it he was happy. If he had asked, I too would have walked out. Think of that little 2 word, 2 syllable expression that sums it up. There's something so selfish and callous about it.

The end.

[rytter]

For my defense that was really the only time I've ever disrespected a woman in my 27 years of living. I understand we both most likely jumped into a relationship rather quick, and we totally had sex the first night of meeting each other. I think you're right about it being a complete rebound from her ex. Than her moving onto the next guy is probably just as bad for her. I wish someday down the line, that she heals from this. Im taking this time to make myself a better man, and Im learning from my mistakes

Maybe one day she will send me my stuff back, she's got my address and we didn't really yell or scream. Kept it very civil that it was over. I just hope it isn't a way for her to reach out to me after this one blows up in her face.

Also Joypuly to clarify about the whole sex mishap. She was very controlling in the relationship and had to have power. When we had sex, it could only be in missionary position. Nothing else. What I think happened is that her last ex messed her up, and she has to mold all of her future men into something that couldn't hurt her, or something she couldn't control. All in all, I was wrong in some instances and I'm sure she is too. But it is what it is

[dontknownuthin]

I do not think it's wrong for people in an intimate relationship to ask for what they want. In fact, I feel it is importAnt to be able to have that kind of rapport. But when you jump in bed so fast out if the gate, the trust and comfort level aren't established yet,

Also, when you ask in the heat of the moment, you put your partner on the spot. A lot of people are very uncomfortable with the discussion, and there is no making up for taking time to get to know someone.

It doesn't have to be crude (and guys, you won't get anything if you talk like your girl is cheap). But you can ask, "are you comfortable doing (whatever)". Ask a near stranger these things though, and you'll be looking at a slammed door.

[rytter]

I guess what it came down to is, I'm kind of beat up over this. Because that wasn't the type of guy I am. I've never said anything like that to a girl before. Oh and yes she said she was comfortable doing that, and I asked the polite way while in the act. But besides that, she kind of grew on me, the whole companionship. I wanted to work through all of this and I honestly tried my hardest in this relationship. I actually took this on a serious attempt, and it felt so real. I mean there is nothing I can do, she's got a new man so quick. I can't be pathetic and beg, or try and talk sense of her. I've just got to let it go. It just sucks because I really thought this girl was something special. She was there to support me through so much and I've supported her too. Than we split on decent terms, I gave it an honest approach even left door open. Than she doesn't send me my clothes, and is instantly in another relationship. I really hope the best for her, I really do. If her relationship falls to and she uses my clothes as leverage to get in contact with me. I don't know what I'd do, I'm so emotionally attached and it's been two weeks NC

[WHYNTT42]

@RYTTR, you sounds like a person,he got to have the last words and only what/how will you look better. Only curiosity, why do you decided to break-it -up so, you could be re-bounded with her in the future? Do you use "GUILT" as the METHOD? GUILT might brought two of you together, however, there will be no relationship.

Take a break, move on, or get back with your 2nd ex- who moved to California, may be she will like that.

[rytter]

I'm not using guilt, she was the one to dump me. I'm pretty torn up over this, I tried to make things right and it didn't work out. That was the last time I had spoke to this woman. Which was two weeks ago today, so it's still kind of fresh. I apologized, tried to talk with her and it was too late. I can't message her again out of self respect, she left me for another guy like it was nothing

[talaniman]

This may sound cold, but it was fun while it lasted, and the only thing you did wrong was blow her off for a few drinks. The bedroom scene was a red flag she would rather react than talk, (or just say no) and sooner or later something else would have triggered a similar reaction. She had deeper issues than you thought, and plenty of past baggage.

Forget the clothes because you know the routine, NC, heal, move on to the next adventure and be grateful for the good memories you had in 6 months. Sucks now, but you know good and well it will get better. It always does if you let it.

PS, By rights you should never know if an ex blocks you, or unblocks you.

[rytter]

My only question is, when will the vicious cycle end? Because deep down she wasn't a bad girl at all, could it be the non-stop relationships? Lack of commitment issues needing her to always be in control? The thing here is she really made me make myself feel like I was awful and so wrong by the way she just ended it on those terms. In the back of my mind, any other woman that was semi sane would work through minor issues. So the same issues are going to haunt this girl in her new relationship too? Because in all honesty, I really tried my hardest and I ignored so many red flags that I've learned to pick up on in my time of dating. I guess I was a glutton for punishment, but do people like this ever figure out the pain that they cause honest guys that really want things to work. It almost seems selfish of her! The thing with the fb, I was on my page and her posts became visible again that's when I realized she unblocked me. I wasn't just typing her name in search everyday, that's when I saw it. But yea, she's got my clothes held hostage! Nothing I can't replace now.

[talaniman]

You are dealing with your own feelings because no way can you deal with hers, or her choices and actions. The only thing YOU can do is deal with yourself, and get beyond this. Always remember others may not be as logical as you want them to be and honest people are often left with the fall out from the flaws of others.

As the emotional dust settles in time, then you begin to see the part you played in this experience and learn from it. Seldom is it a one way street for blame when a relationship doesn't work, as we humans can be attracted and blind at first but when the lust wears off we start seeing and feeling things differently. Few of us can separate love from lust and we ALL have our flaws, but how we deal with ourselves and our own feelings is what counts because for all the good, or bad some will learn to do better faster than others, and some will deal with themselves better than others.

Your ex will learn at her own pace and in her own way, or he won't. I also feel in today's era of Facebook its even easier to reach out and touch, and hopeful curiosity and false hope does make us vulnerable for deception and secret agendas, so its even more important to make decisions based on facts and not just hurt feelings and I think when you get dumped you block exes on the social network immediately. If they have a change in heart about you, they can damn well make the effort to let you know in person.

I mean there is enough hurt we go through, so why hurt yourself, and that's what NC, as hard as it is emotionally, it gives you time to get over the shock and trauma of a break up, especially after they dump YOU. I think you know all of this, but just needed some support and reassurances that you weren't crazy or something, and you are not and are hardly alone in dealing with your world after a bad experience of being dumped.

We all go through it. And your own experiences tell you that you will recover. Hopefully so will she.

[Oliver2011]

" I really tried my hardest and I ignored so many red flags"

Maybe ignoring the red flags is a bad thing. Maybe you should ask yourself why you rushed into a relationship so quickly when you really don't know the girl(s) that well. If you are back here a 4th, 5th, and 6th time, maybe you should do some soul searching and decide that your way of doing things in the dating world needs an upgrade and a reboot.

A 6 month relationship is not a long term relationship. It is more of a fling. When you are talking potentially spending the rest of your life with someone, maybe you should slow things down and actually get to know that person better before committing your mind, body, and soul.

My partner and I have been together exclusively for 1 year. Before I would make that commitment, I think we dated 2 or 2.5 years. During that time I was also dating others. I wanted to make sure my partner was the right person for me. And it has worked out better than I can imagine.

Think about it...

[dontknownuthin]

When will it end? When you make better choices for yourself in terms of your behavior, and take time before you become too intimate so that you have a chance to really get to know the girl before you take it to that level. People today get into "relationships" with strangers and it's just silly. Take your time before you expect this whole "relationship" to just spend time with the girl, see how she behaves in different situations.

You can't make up for the sheer experience of spending time with a person in different situations and settings, seeing them go through a few things in life. When you're in bed on the second date or whatever, you take no time and then it becomes really insular - you know a little bit how they act around you when they are trying to make a good impression on a new love interest, but you have no idea how they USUALLY act.

Consider yourself in the "getting to know her" stage until you've seen her manage a disappointment, you've spent time with her around her family, met her friends a few times, had a disagreement or two and seen how she handles it, had some candid conversations, learned what she's trying to accomplish for herself, what she expects from a relationship, whether she wants a relationship, and so on.

Most of the drama people encounter is because they go into a new relationship thinking they know what to expect but they don't know the other person at all. And for their part, they've really done it up to make the first impression but when they relax a bit and become more like their usual selves, the other person has no clue what just happened to the guy they met the first couple of dates.

Be genuine and stick around long enough to know what is her genuine version of herself. Of course this means, you don't sleep together out of the gate.

[rytter]

I've definitely learned a valuable lesson from all of this. I can say this was the first time I've slept with a girl I was dating in under a month or so. But ultimately, she pushed herself onto me and I really couldn't back down. This girl pushed so hard for a relationship and I was taking my time with it. Just enjoying getting to know her better, for who she was. Examples, she had to have me text her and let her know my everything. I had to "surprise" text her in the mornings. All of this was way too soon in the "relationship" we'd only been talking for under a month at that time. She always wanted to make plans with me, and when I never committed to some of the plans she'd go. So you're just leaving your options open, can't you see this is the only option you need. It feels good to vent about this. Than under the one instance we actually fought, she's out the door in a new relationship like this never happened. I tried to make this more than a friends with benefits thing, she wanted a relationship as it seemed. Because she was putting so much effort and attention into me. Just to hook me in, and once she had me. She through me away lol. She even forced me to change my relationship status of Facebook. Talk about making it "official". All I know is that I wished her well and let this all go. I hope one day she realizes how to cope with her issues, not by coming back to me. But for herself, because I'm taking this time to get over her. Like I said in the end, she had me hooked in. Now look where it got me? With that much more respect for myself because I'm not begging or pleading for her, or my clothes back.

[dontknownuthin]

But ultimately, she pushed herself onto me and I really couldn't back down. This girl pushed so hard for a relationship and I was taking my time with it. Just enjoying getting to know her better, for who she was. .

Oh, come on - you have to take some responsibility for yourself. She pushed you into a relationship? Hogwash. You both have choice. If the woman is pushing too hard, you let her know "I'd like to dial this down a notch". If you don't want her to think it's a relationship, you slow down on the sexual stuff. Call her less often or whatever people do to signal disinterest, or a lower degree of interest.

So, I'll add to my prior advice - you have to recognize you have responsibility for your own behavior in relationships and own it.

[rytter]

Look I will be the first to admit, I made a mistake by jumping in head first. I've learned a valuable lesson here, not to jump into things too fast without even technically knowing the person. She was blowing up my phone non-stop. Commenting on every post I'd put up on Facebook, liking all my pictures and tagging me in posts. It was too much too soon, I even mentioned something to her about it but it actually made her pursue me more. All in all I'm doing a lot better, I haven't creeped her fb or texted her since my last text. I haven't received my clothes yet either, nor do I care at this point. Now that I've been getting over this I noticed she was doing the same things she had done with me with the new guy(those last posts on fb I saw when she had unblocked me). It doesn't bother me, I'm bettering myself and learning my lesson from this. It's safe to say the clothes are gone, it's not worth the aggravation or giving her attention over. Life goes on, I will keep you all posted if anything new develops. But for myself, I'm sticking to no contact and living my life without having to deal with a needy girlfriend!

[jakester]

rytter - every interaction is an opportunity for you to learn and grow. I hope now you have learned that the boundaries you set for yourself are good boundaries and that a woman worth your time should ever want to break them.

Secondly, as a man, you have to come to see your value and not take on more blame than you have coming to you. Will a girl like her ever see the hurt she causes good guys? No, until she comes to terms with her own issues. But forget about whether she will or not and focus on whether you have the confidence in your own value as a man to resist bad seeds like this girl. I feel bad for her because she can't be in a good place, but that's not your problem. You have your own issues in life to deal with. Right now I'd be asking myself why I allowed myself to violate my own values for sex.

You are worth it for the right girl so stop beating yourself and taking abuse from women who aren't worthy of your time, brother.

[Oliver2011]

Look I will be the first to admit, I made a mistake by jumping in head first. I've learned a valuable lesson here, not to jump into things too fast without even technically knowing the person. She was blowing up my phone non-stop. Commenting on every post I'd put up on Facebook, liking all my pictures and tagging me in posts. It was too much too soon, I even mentioned something to her about it but it actually made her pursue me more. All in all I'm doing a lot better, I haven't creeped her fb or texted her since my last text. I haven't received my clothes yet either, nor do I care at this point. Now that I've been getting over this I noticed she was doing the same things she had done with me with the new guy(those last posts on fb I saw when she had unblocked me). It doesn't bother me, I'm bettering myself and learning my lesson from this. It's safe to say the clothes are gone, it's not worth the aggravation or giving her attention over. Life goes on, I will keep you all posted if anything new develops. But for myself, I'm sticking to no contact and living my life without having to deal with a needy girlfriend!

I figured it out. She has a used clothing business and does this with many guys to feed her business. Case solved. Move on, there's nothing to see here.