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    meganmfitch's Avatar
    meganmfitch Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 22, 2013, 11:54 AM
    How to stop fighting with each other?
    My husband and I have been married for 8 yrs. It has been very rough. I came with a son and we have 3 more together. I was in a very violent relationship with my oldest ones father. My now husband has been violent also. Not in the past 2-2/12 yrs. He does call a lot of names and says things like: you should feel honored and privileged I still want to sleep with you. Or you need to be more grateful and respectful to me. Or show some gratitude.

    Now I'm no angel I have called him an a**hole and things like that. I only work 20 hours a week. So I do the household work. But I hear from him how he does everything and such. I feel like a constant failure. Like I'm never going to be enough. He says he loves me and the boys, but will manipulate the conversation and turn it all back on me. Like I said I'm not perfect, I need to work on my patience and I do yell, and we don't have a lot of sex anymore. He will put it in my face about how I don't give him enough sex. No matter how I tell when he does that, it makes it another job for me to do and if I don't it’s a fight.

    I told him I was done, he said he would change, that lasted a week. Now he told me it was over, that he wasn't going to play my games anymore. That's exactly what I told him before. What should I do?
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #2

    Oct 22, 2013, 12:08 PM
    You two have built quite the relationship, haven't you? Wow - I never get why two people want to live in so much drama. It much more pleasant to live where people talk nice to each other and don't spend their time yelling and screaming.

    Your kids are witnessing this and learning from both of you. How do you think they will act in relationships since the people they love are teaching them how to react? You both need to put them first and stop being so selfish. Go to counseling and learn how to communicate. But stop the ridiculousness.
    meganmfitch's Avatar
    meganmfitch Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 22, 2013, 12:22 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    You two have built quite the relationship, haven't you? Wow - I never get why two people want to live in so much drama. It much more pleasant to live where people talk nice to each other and don't spend their time yelling and screaming.


    Your kids are witnessing this and learning from both of you. How do you think they will act in relationships since the people they love are teaching them how to react? You both need to put them first and stop being so selfish. Go to counseling and learn how to communicate. But stop the ridiculousness.
    It has been 8yrs, I summed it up in a few sentences. We don't fight in front of our children. I should have made that clear.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #4

    Oct 22, 2013, 12:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by meganmfitch View Post
    It has been 8yrs, I summed it up in a few sentences. We don't fight in front of our children. I should have made that clear.
    Children in these situations sense the lack of love, understanding, relationship, etc. So while you may not physically argue in front of the kids, they probably know what is going on.

    My ex wife and I got divorced about 6 or 7 years ago. It started to get a little ugly and then we decided that since we had kids and dogs together, we would remain friends for them. It isn't the same situation I know, but at some point you both just need to stop and change course. That means stop the fighting, work on a good split, and go your separate ways. It took both of you to create the relationship you have now, so it will take both of you to fix things.
    meganmfitch's Avatar
    meganmfitch Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Oct 22, 2013, 03:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    Children in these situations sense the lack of love, understanding, relationship, etc. So while you may not physically argue in front of the kids, they probably know what is going on.

    My ex wife and I got divorced about 6 or 7 years ago. It started to get a little ugly and then we decided that since we had kids and dogs together, we would remain friends for them. It isn't the same situation I know, but at some point you both just need to stop and change course. That means stop the fighting, work on a good split, and go your separate ways. It took both of you to create the relationship you have now, so it will take both of you to fix things.
    Thank you.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Oct 22, 2013, 03:35 PM
    I agree with Oliver, all that drama and fighting should stop and you can at least try to be nicer to each other. He can't be the only one changing how you relate to each other.

    Takes nothing to be mean and cruel, because likely you are angry and frustrated. Do you have any good times at all? If not be good parents apart from each other. Or just both of you get control of your mouths.
    meganmfitch's Avatar
    meganmfitch Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Oct 23, 2013, 05:42 AM
    [QUOTE=talaniman;3573612]I agree with Oliver, all that drama and fighting should stop and you can at least try to be nicer to each other. He can't be the only one changing how you relate to each other.

    Takes nothing to be mean and cruel, because likely you are angry and frustrated. Do you have any good times at all? If not be good parents apart from each other. Or just both of you get control of your mouths.[/QUO

    I know. I've come along way and still have work to do. I see what needs done, how do I get my husband to see it too. How do I get all this to stop. This year has been the worst. I lost 7 family and close friends. My mother was the first. So I know I'm not in a great place. I want it all to stop. My boys walk in our room and saw me crying, they said dad is being mean again. I told them no. I know they know. I want to take my 5 yr olds advice and I want my husband to also. He said, like you tell us mom just talk nice to each other and hug the bad away. My 5 ye old gets this why can't we? How do I fix it for them? I'm not blaming just my husband. I know my short comings as a wife and woman.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #8

    Oct 23, 2013, 06:04 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by meganmfitch View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    I agree with Oliver, all that drama and fighting should stop and you can at least try to be nicer to each other. He can't be the only one changing how you relate to each other.

    Takes nothing to be mean and cruel, because likely you are angry and frustrated. Do you have any good times at all? If not be good parents apart from each other. Or just both of you get control of your mouths.
    I know. I've come along way and still have work to do. I see what needs done, how do I get my husband to see it too. How do I get all this to stop. This year has been the worst. I lost 7 family and close friends. My mother was the first. So I know I'm not in a great place. I want it all to stop. My boys walk in our room and saw me crying, they said dad is being mean again. I told them no. I know they know. I want to take my 5 yr olds advice and I want my husband to also. He said, like you tell us mom just talk nice to each other and hug the bad away. My 5 ye old gets this why can't we? How do I fix it for them? I'm not blaming just my husband. I know my short comings as a wife and woman.
    I know what it is like to lose a parent. That is a rough one.

    Your husband and you have developed this relationship. At some point the norm became yelling, fighting, and being mean. And I am not going to lie - finding a way to do the opposite is not going to be easy at all. You need marriage counseling. If you both are not 100% into fixing this then there is no point. I myself could not stand drama in my relationship. Heck - your relationship even makes me tired.

    Sit your husband down and tell him you aren't going to do this anymore. The fighting and being mean stops now. You both get yourselves into marriage counseling or get a divorce. You, for both of you, can't continue this. And you shouldn't since there are kids involved. They are learning what a relationship is like from you two, and it isn't going to be pretty when they are adults.

    If you go the divorce route and put the children first in the divorce, it won't be nasty. It shouldn't be nasty because they are involved.
    meganmfitch's Avatar
    meganmfitch Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Oct 23, 2013, 06:29 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    I know what it is like to lose a parent. That is a rough one.

    Your husband and you have developed this relationship. At some point the norm became yelling, fighting, and being mean. And I am not going to lie - finding a way to do the opposite is not going to be easy at all. You need marriage counseling. If you both are not 100% into fixing this then there is no point. I myself could not stand drama in my relationship. Heck - your relationship even makes me tired.

    Sit your husband down and tell him you aren't going to do this anymore. The fighting and being mean stops now. You both get yourselves into marriage counseling or get a divorce. You, for both of you, can't continue this. And you shouldn't since there are kids involved. They are learning what a relationship is like from you two, and it isn't going to be pretty when they are adults.

    If you go the divorce route and put the children first in the divorce, it won't be nasty. It shouldn't be nasty because they are involved.
    Thank you.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #10

    Oct 23, 2013, 07:02 AM
    I have had great success with the attitude of lead by example. Treat others the way YOU want to be treated. Yes it's extremely difficult to not react impulsively from intense emotions, and put highly charged thoughts and feelings into words and actions. It's a pretty human reaction, but a destructive one.

    Always think before you act or speak, and be cool, calm, and in control of yourself. Even when the words and actions of another cut and hurt us. Sometimes we have to wait and think when our partners start hurtful conflicts with us. Sometimes we need better ways of handling our own feelings and emotions. Sometimes to see a bigger picture, we have to step back.

    For sure reacting in a confrontational way has poisoned this relationship, and new skills for handling conflicts is sorely needed, and that has to start with you, since none of us can control the thoughts and actions of our partners, but we can control our own actions and reactions.

    When he loses control, make sure you do not. Waiting for your partner to vent the anger and frustration and not feed it allows the emotional dust to settle and MAYBE, a calmer dialogue will occur. Staying in control of yourself will also allow YOU to get a better grasp of the situation, and allow YOU, to makes a better decision about what YOU should do about it based on FACTS, and not just hurt, and frustrated FEELINGS.

    If indeed after time you cannot find a solution together, you will find one apart. Either way, it takes years in your situation to come to which path you take. Try mine for a while, and be patient and realistic with your expectations of success, because yours has not worked for 8 years, and should be abandoned.

    Think before you act, or speak, even if he CANNOT, or will not. You do this for YOU, and just YOU, so YOU can be better. And no this is NOT a magic pill, or quick fix, merely a suggestion.

    Tell him that you are still grieving and hurting from your losses, and if the poor boob can't get it then he is a FOOL!!!!!!! That's something to pay attention too.
    meganmfitch's Avatar
    meganmfitch Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Oct 23, 2013, 08:58 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    I have had great success with the attitude of lead by example. Treat others the way YOU want to be treated. Yes it's extremely difficult to not react impulsively from intense emotions, and put highly charged thoughts and feelings into words and actions. It's a pretty human reaction, but a destructive one.

    Always think before you act or speak, and be cool, calm, and in control of yourself. Even when the words and actions of another cut and hurt us. Sometimes we have to wait and think when our partners start hurtful conflicts with us. Sometimes we need better ways of handling our own feelings and emotions. Sometimes to see a bigger picture, we have to step back.

    For sure reacting in a confrontational way has poisoned this relationship, and new skills for handling conflicts is sorely needed, and that has to start with you, since none of us can control the thoughts and actions of our partners, but we can control our own actions and reactions.

    When he loses control, make sure you do not. Waiting for your partner to vent the anger and frustration and not feed it allows the emotional dust to settle and MAYBE, a calmer dialogue will occur. Staying in control of yourself will also allow YOU to get a better grasp of the situation, and allow YOU, to makes a better decision about what YOU should do about it based on FACTS, and not just hurt, and frustrated FEELINGS.

    If indeed after time you cannot find a solution together, you will find one apart. Either way, it takes years in your situation to come to which path you take. Try mine for a while, and be patient and realistic with your expectations of success, because yours has not worked for 8 years, and should be abandoned.

    Think before you act, or speak, even if he CANNOT, or will not. You do this for YOU, and just YOU, so YOU can be better. And no this is NOT a magic pill, or quick fix, merely a suggestion.

    Tell him that you are still grieving and hurting from your losses, and if the poor boob can't get it then he is a FOOL!!!!!!! That's something to pay attention too.
    Thank you. Everything you said makes sense. I feel a little more confident. I didn't get married to get get divorced. All I've ever wanted was a happy family and lots of kids. I got the family and kids now I just need the happiness. Thank you again. I will do my best. I tell our boys the 3 golden rules be brave, be strong, and be honest. And in order to be strong and brave u have to be honest. I have to be more honest with myself and my situation.

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