[Pboy87]

Here I am, writing again. Thanks to all the advise here me and my girlfriend are going very smooth and strong at the moment. But a problem on my side came up (as usual).

She is part of this religious community and is very dedicated to it. Learns dance there as well. Basically, the community is a major part of her life. Anyway, her ex is part of this community too. Both her parents n family and his parents and all were part of this since ages and they were born into it and became part of it. And met through their prayer days and functions and started dating. They met when they were 14-15. Went on one date. And that was it. Then she shifted to another country with her family. He shifted there with his family years later and they were part of this religious community in that country now and since they met again they started dating. For about 2 years it was serious then the third year he started lying to her and disappearing randomly for days and weeks and coming up with fake stories (which she found out later) and then they eventually broke up, about a year and half ago as both were fed up of it. He is dating someone else since then.

I met her about 11 months ago and she has come to my country and lived with me and my family etc. and we are really serious about taking things ahead. I plan to go to her country in a couple of months to spend time with her. And here lies the problem..

She wants me to come visit her community dance school and prayer halls and join her for that stuff.. I have no problems with that except the fact that her ex will also always be there. I tried talking to her that I am uncomfortable with the idea of seeing your ex (they don't talk anymore so I don't have to meet him as such), but just the fact that they have had a sexual past togther and all, I don't want to even see him or bump into him. My girlfriend performs too and asked that what if I perform, would you still not come and support me? And I told her I'd want to but I'm not comfortable with meeting a guy she used to have sex with so I don't want to. (I have a very graphic imagination).
She got really sad as this community and dance is a major part of her life and she feels that I should share that bit of her life too and is irritated that a guy that is no longer a part of her life is controlling this relationship and where I go with her. She says it is going to be inevitable. And that I will surely bump into him when I go there and I said I might as well then not go for anything related to your community.

I know that I'm being a bit immature about it and even she feels that. That I'd rather let some guy that means nothing to her affect our relationship because I have a graphic imagination (due to the details I know of her sex life). But I just don't feel comfortable seeing that guy around.

By the way, I met her through this community. They invited me to perform for their annual concert last year and that's when I met her (I'm a musician). I met her ex before I met her when I was there then when one of the days of the annual concert festival it rained heavy and some performance couldn't take place and they asked if I could fill in for a bit and I did. And this guy came up to me after the concert and was like.. Woah.. What the hell was all that (knowing that it was all impromtu and just to fill space as the other scheduled performers couldn't perform). So I technically didn't like this guy since then. It was later that night that I met my girlfriend and then found out that he was the ex. (in one of my other posts I was a bit upset that she took me to the house where he used to stay. For a party as she wanted to spend time with me. Just the ex's brother and uncle stay there now and she is friends with him. The ex moved out long ago).

Anyway, how do I deal with this. I really don't want to meet some other guy who has had some physical past with my girlfriend now. My girlfriend doesn't bother talking to him or anything. But, he knows I'm with her as he had met her last year when we just started going around (he broke into her house as one of his photo collages with her was missing and he thought she took it when she had come for the party so he broke in and tried to find it while she was out of the country. He got caught by her sister and so when she returned she asked him to come over and explain to her mum and sister what the hell he was trying) and that's when he saw my pic on her laptop background while she was working on it and asked her and she told him and he recognised me as the musician who had come there.

Anyway, please help me. What do I do about this. I told my girlfriend I am really not comfortable meeting that guy as they have a sexual past and I don't want to even see him at all. But she is really sad as this community is a big part of her life and she can't help if he would be there and that I would inevitably bump into him if I go there. She just wishes I give her company there and should not let an ex control what we do. But I really really don't feel like it. I really don't want to see him at all and she is getting sad that I won't come there to support her or meet those people.

What do I do? I don't want to meet any person she has had any physical relation with. She says its not her fault she dated him though he was within the community. She didn't know what the future would have then. But even I feel, its not my fault that because she dated within the community now I have to meet her ex though I don't feel like doing so.

Please tell me what I should do.. Please help.. Sorry for the long post.

[joypulv]

You are being immature. The world is full of millions of people who encounter past loves and sex partners. Divorced people get used to it when swapping children back and forth.

This is one reason why I can't understand this notion that love means having to describe every gory detail of your past. Ridiculous! She never should have done it. If you dragged it out of her, shame on you, and now you have to deal with it. If you can't, you risk losing her. You'd lose me if I were your age again. So do you want your ego and jealousy, or do you want HER? You decide.

[smearcase]

I don't know that losing her over this is a possibility but pretend that it definitely is, and make your decision as though it is that important a decision. I have a few people I don't want to interact with and I don't go where I know I will have to play a game and pretend that I respect them when I don't. But there have been times when I had no choice (not as critical as your situation, for instance maybe a funeral or a wedding of a close relative) and just put in my time and got through it.
You have seen this guy before (even though you didn't realize who he was) and you can create graphic images in your mind just based on the earlier meeting if that is the problem, so if this lady is important to you and your attendance is that important to her, you dn't really have much choice. A chance encounter later on could probably produce similar circumstances, so just man up and deal with it.

[Pboy87]

I don't know that losing her over this is a possibility but pretend that it definitely is, and make your decision as though it is that important a decision. I have a few people I don't want to interact with and I don't go where I know I will have to play a game and pretend that I respect them when I don't. But there have been times when I had no choice (not as critical as your situation, for instance maybe a funeral or a wedding of a close relative) and just put in my time and got through it.
You have seen this guy before (even though you didn't realize who he was) and you can create graphic images in your mind just based on the earlier meeting if that is the problem, so if this lady is important to you and your attendance is that important to her, you dn't really have much choice. A chance encounter later on could probably produce similar circumstances, so just man up and deal with it.

I don't remember the guys face at all. Just a glimpse because I didn't pay attention to who he was then.
Though it is a guaranteed thing that we won't breakup because of this. I just want to somehow work on it as she is really sad about it and I wish I can do something but as of now I feel really uncomfortable about it.

You are being immature. The world is full of millions of people who encounter past loves and sex partners. Divorced people get used to it when swapping children back and forth.

This is one reason why I can't understand this notion that love means having to describe every gory detail of your past. Ridiculous! She never should have done it. If you dragged it out of her, shame on you, and now you have to deal with it. If you can't, you risk losing her. You'd lose me if I were your age again. So do you want your ego and jealousy, or do you want HER? You decide.

Well, I know I won't lose her because of this.this is for sure. But she is really sad and I don't want her to be sad that's why I seek help . But don't know what to do. Im very uncomfortable about meeting a person my girlfriend has had sex with.
Anyway, there weren't gory details. Just stuff like how she was never into it and tried it a couple of times but never felt like it much and at times even stopped it midway. And this too came up because I asked her why she was so shy about trying a certain position and she said as it was the first time she was trying it with me and then I asked that what does she mean and she told me this.

But also on a different occasion she was drunk and her friend helped her get out of her clothes and sleep and this guy came next morning when she woke up and she was topless , but before he could come in she shut the door and he was like its just me.. And she was like I don't care, stay out.
So such details like him saying its me (she quoted him in the casual conversation when we were talking about drunk times) means they must hv seen each other like that a lot, etc plays on my mind.
That's why I don't know how I would deal with it when I actually have a face to it and all.

[joypulv]

I didn't mean 'gory details' literally; that's just an expression for 'minute details.' It doesn't matter what she told you, and you don't need to tell us. All that matters is that you need to teach yourself that her past (and yours) is hers, and you don't own it, you can't undo it, you can't replace it with you. It's OVER. Show some pride in yourself and show some appreciation for that fact that she loves you. Dwelling on him is merely clouding a good thing. Jealousy is poison, and it's selfish, and it's self-defeating. Practice getting it out of your mind now or it will ruin you, because jealousy is with us, all of us, always.

[LadySam]

So how long before she grows tired of trying to enjoy functions that are so important to her without you? And being sad about it? As a woman I have dealt with this before, but not for very long.
You said this community is very important to her, why would you willingly take yourself out of the picture for these events? Seems like it could be a good chunk of time you're missing, you won't get that back.
Get over it, her is past is her past, just like your past is your past, as long as she is not dragging him into your future I don't see the problem.

[talaniman]

Get over yourself, and your fears, worries, and insecurities, and be a thoughtful partner who can deal with the world maturely even if you are out of your comfort zone.

If you don't, you will be one of those guys crying about how you got done wrong, and can't understand why the girl dumps you.

Man Up!