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bigdee · Sep 18, 2013, 04:52 PM

Just recently, my ex from over 20 years ago got my e-mail from a mutual acquaintance and e-mailed me out of the blue to say hi and see how I was doing. It caught me off guard since it has been about 15 years since I last heard from her. She was an old college girlfriend where the relationship ended a bit messy.

Anyway she said she was thinking back to her college days and thought of me and wanted to get in touch again. I gave a polite, if short, reply. She replied saying she was so happy to hear back and that she missed me. Now I feel awkward because I am married. I have no real feelings for my ex anymore. I'm glad she is doing well and stuff but overall I guess I am just trying to be nice. If I was single, I probably wouldn't feel bad replying. But since I am not, I do.

I'm going to guess that I should just cut off contact with my ex, is that right? To me it sounds a bit rude because at one time we were really close and helped each other through tough times. But the consensus seems to be to end all communication, even if the communication is simply "polite". Agree?

talaniman · Sep 18, 2013, 06:17 PM

I am sure after 20 years you have both outgrown the drama but the bottom line is if you rather not keep in touch then don't. Just curious if your spouse knows about your past with her and does that make a difference?

Its really up to you.

bigdee · Sep 18, 2013, 08:40 PM

My feelings are pretty neutral. I guess I am a little curious since it has been awhile, but that's about it. I don't hold any negative feelings or anything. My spouse doesn't know about her. We seldom bring up our ex's, we prefer to leave it in the past. I guess this would qualify as not leaving it in the past.

joypulv · Sep 18, 2013, 11:53 PM

I assume that she knows you are married?
She might be innocent about all this, at most hoping for some introductions to friends of yours - or she might be feeling you out to see if you are looking for an out of your marriage.
If you want to nip it in the bud, do so.
A mature thing to say might be 'I'm happy for you but have a very full and busy life these days, and truthfully don't want to go back in time.'

bigdee · Sep 19, 2013, 06:30 AM

Yes, she does. I think it is innocent nostalgia because she also recently reached out to some other people from those college days. Seems like she is remembering that time fondly and trying to contact those people she remember from that time.

Honestly it was kind of cool to catch up and talk about the ol' days but I'm thinking it is time to nip it in the bud just in case. I decided to take a tactic that I use when dealing with people I'd like to minimize contact - make each reply more terse and slower in response. Eventually they get the hint.

tickle · Sep 19, 2013, 06:32 AM

There is no protocol for contact with exes. You are either done with them or not. I am surprised you did not just tell her then and there, that you are married now, nice to chat, but would rather not pursue telephone conversation. Unless of course you had it in the back of your mind that a little diddling on the side would be nice and wanted us to validate it. Sorry, not validating. Only heartache can come from that.

bigdee · Sep 19, 2013, 06:39 AM

Nope, no diddling plans at all! Just wondering what others thought. Some people say innocent contact with the ex is fine as long as you keep it at a distance and you know both parties would keep it platonic, while others say any contact at all is not recommended no matter how innocent.

joypulv · Sep 19, 2013, 07:13 AM

I am all in favor of contact with exes and others of both sexes from the past - if it was a good relationship back then. When you said the breakup was messy, I took that to mean you didn't care to revive any part of the memory.

talaniman · Sep 19, 2013, 07:17 AM

After 20 years and supposedly the drama and emotional dust has settled there should be little harm with casual communications but if you and the spouse have an agreement and boundaries in place, then its not worth the trouble. You don't seem keen on the idea any way so that's the way you go.

No biggie.

N0help4u · Sep 19, 2013, 07:34 PM

It is common in this day and age for people to look up and want to catch up on old friends. Tell her you are happily married and you are willing to chat about everyday things on occasion.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 19, 2013, 08:42 PM

Tell her you're married , it was nice hearing from her and you wish her well. Unless she is just dense, she will get the message.

Jake2008 · Sep 20, 2013, 01:39 PM

Let's make a protocol rule. Call it, 'Protocol Rule for Ex Lovers'

It is now and forthwith, and forever more, a big no-no to contact an ex lover, when that ex lover is married. Protocol for the one contacted- delete email address from address book.

If this person was a cousin or a person contacting you to let you know that there is a high school reunion, and were you AND your wife planning to attend, etc. that is different.

Leave ex lovers in the past.