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mashiat · Sep 9, 2013, 03:33 AM

>Threads merged to keep all information and advice on this subject in one place.<

My boyfriend and I have a really sweet relationship with each other. It's just that I'm a little too impatient and when he's at work and has no time to call me up or text me. I feel insecure even though I know he's not cheating on me behind my back! Right now the state of our relationship is really complicated. He still loves me and so do I but he doesn't want the tag name "relationship" or "boyfriend/girlfriend" between us because of my impatient nature. He wants us to be friends till I'm done with my A levels and am mature enough to be patient.

We are in the state of friendship right now and he still takes care of me the way he used to. It's just he no more calls me "baby" or "bunny" And I no more call him "sugar".

The idea of him not being my boyfriend really freaks me out!!

WHAT DO I DO?? /

N0help4u · Sep 9, 2013, 04:34 AM

He is right, as Long as you allow your emotions to run you you can not have a healthy relationship. Its shakey if the friends onlt can work since your insecurities won't be able to handle it but you got to give him crredit that he is trying rather than walking out of the relationship.

Jake2008 · Sep 9, 2013, 06:19 AM

The relationship has cooled off because he's tired of the pressure of being suspect without cause.

That shows maturity on his part. He's likely not ready to give up the whole shebang, but needs some arm's length distance from you, in order to let you know that he won't put up with your insecurity and jealousy forever. When you think about that- where does a relationship go when one party is always accused of things they didn't do?

I don't know how old you are, or how experienced you are with past relationships, but I can tell you that this relationship will not last, if you can't figure out why your behavior has put such a wedge into your relationship. And then figure out, how to change.

Saying you will change, and actually changing are two very different things. Just saying the right words is only a temporary solution, because jealousy and insecurity will come back, even worse than before. An argument for example, will bring back the past, and in the heat of the moment, the accusations will be thrown in his face again.

Try counseling. Breaking this insecurity barrier you put up will not only help your relationship now, but all future relationships. The next relationship, if you don't figure this out, will end up just as this one has.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 9, 2013, 06:23 AM

Yes, you are the problem, you are ruining the relationship. It is hard to say to be honest if he can ever go back. He wants to see at this point, if you can ever grow up and be mature

Homegirl 50 · Sep 9, 2013, 06:49 AM

How old are you and how long had you been dating? You say the relationship has stayed the same you are just no longer called his girl friend. Is there sex in this relationship, all the benefits of one without the title?
If so, walk away. That is wrong and you are wrong as well.
You are now a friend with benefits if that is the case. He needs to leave you alone.

N0help4u · Sep 9, 2013, 06:53 AM

I have known 3 girls that were so insecure that they called their boyfriends work 3 to 5 times an hour. They ended up losing their jobs. If you don't learn to control this you will never have a good relationship and your insecurities will only get worse.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 9, 2013, 06:57 AM

You have insecurities true enough and you need to deal with them, but don't allow him to use you either. That is bogus.
You are not ready for a relationship right now. You're not emotionally healthy enough for one.

mashiat · Oct 10, 2013, 01:24 AM

Thanks jake 2008..
My feeling of insecurity comes from my bad experience with my past 3 relationships. And I'm 19 now... I always feel as if he's cheating me like my ex boyfriends did.. I don't want to get cheated all over again! Plus my friends have divided into two groups one of which is supporting him and the other say that he's not a good person... and that he is a stud! They want me to do a sting operation to test him while the group supporting him are saying that I shouldn't carry out the sting operation cause if he's bad I'll eventually get to know it but doing the sting operation is in a way insulting him and I shouldn't do it.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 10, 2013, 02:30 AM

You don't need to be in a relationship of you are pulling stunts like that. It's immature and annoying. At 19 how many ex boyfriends have you had that have cheated? Did they cheat or did you just think they did?

mashiat · Oct 20, 2013, 09:52 PM

! they did cheat on me! Caught them red handed..
2,and I like him that's y I am with him.. I'm not with him because I want to be in a relationship

My boyfriend fell out of love with me after the last fight... How do I make him fall back for me... I want him to fall like crazy the way he used to be!

Alty · Oct 20, 2013, 10:05 PM

There's no way to do this. If he fell out of love with you, it was for a reason. Either that or he was never really in love with you to begin with.

You can't make someone love you. He's done, and you have to accept that and move on.

Ah, this explains it. You were so insecure, you drove him away. Even after you were told to stop.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ns-766363.html

mashiat · Oct 20, 2013, 11:10 PM

Well alty,yeah... I want to make up to that and I desper8ly want him back!

Homegirl 50 · Oct 21, 2013, 07:33 AM

If you need to be pulling stunts like this to test him, it does not matter how much you like him. You are not secure enough to be with anybody. That stuff is childish.

talaniman · Oct 21, 2013, 12:34 PM

Leave him alone and learn patience and self control.

Alty · Oct 21, 2013, 04:33 PM

Originally Posted by mashiat

Well alty,yeah... I want to make up to that and I desper8ly want him back!

Your desperation was what drove him away in the first place. You can't tell me that you've changed since then, since he had issues with it from the beginning, and told you to stop, and you didn't.

You're still the same person, the same insecure person, that you were during the relationship. It doesn't matter how much you want him back, he tried, he talked to you, he asked you to stop with your obsessive behavior, and you didn't. Now you're going to obsess about getting him back?

I see a restraining order in your future if you don't stop this.

Cat1864 · Oct 21, 2013, 05:47 PM

Originally Posted by mashiat

thanks jake 2008..
my feeling of insecurity comes from my bad experience with my past 3 relationships. and I'm 19 now....I always feel as if he's cheating me like my ex boyfriends did..I dont want to get cheated all over again! Plus my friends have divided into two groups one of which is supporting him and the other say that he's not a good person...and that he is a stud! They want me to do a sting operation to test him while the group supporting him are saying that I shouldn't carry out the sting operation cause if he's bad I'll eventually get to know it but doing the sting operation is in a way insulting him and I shouldn't do it.

This post is a good example of why you need to be on your own for awhile. You need to work through your issues with ex-boyfriends.

You are responsible for your own healing and letting past hurts go before you enter into a new relationship. It is your baggage and either you carry it or dispose of it. You should not expect someone else to shoulder it for you. They have their own baggage to deal with, why should they carry yours too?

There is nothing he or anyone else can do to make you feel secure. The more they try, the more you will demand until they reach the breaking point (it seems this one already has) and walk away. You need to find security, confidence and strength inside yourself. Learn to trust your judgment again. Trust that you can find and build a relationship with someone who wants to be with you. Someone who will set boundaries with you and stay inside them.

If you feel like you cannot let the past go and move forward on your own, look into counseling. But stop making others responsible for your negative emotional baggage.

Oh, and stop listening to friends who encourage you to act like an insecure 13 year old. Playing games is for the playground, not for relationships. If you play games in a relationship, board, word, and video games are a lot more fun.

mashiat · Oct 21, 2013, 10:12 PM

I HAD A VERY BAD EXPERIENCE OF GETTING CHEATED ON IN THE PAST…and this thing made me insecure in nature about relationships…AND MY NATURE OF BEING INSECURE TURNED ME INTO A NAG TOWARDS MY BOYFRIEND! he has a very tight schedule, and is always busy with work(that’s what he tells me) which is why it was hard for him to give me much time.. BUT BECAUSE OF MY NATURE OF BEING INSECURE AND POSSESSIVE MY BRAIN PLAYED GAMES AND I WAS BOUND TO SUSPECT HIM THAT HE WAS EITHER PLAYING ME OR DOUBLING ME... but then again I managed to convince myself that he isn't a person like that
SOME TIMES BACK WHEN WE HAD A FIGHT OVER HIM GIVING ME HIS WRONG PASSWORD OF HIS FACEBOOK ACCOUNT…[though Iater when he gave me his email id and password of his Facebook account again, I found out that I actually typed the E-mail ID wrong (maybe he gave me the wrong email id or apparently my mind was playing games again.. I TRULY DON’T KNOW)]……I opened a fake account to test him.. My fake account flirted with him in full energy! And my boyfriend flirted back.. well, there is a little twist here; him and I, we don’t have a problem flirting with outsiders other than each other.. we allow each other to flirt with others unless it gets serious and way out of the line! but the thing is he told my fake account that he lost his love for me after I started becoming a nag, whereas, when we recently got back I asked him not to force himself to stay with me just out of pity and he told me that he does still feel for me. When I told a friend about it he said that my boyfriend does still feel for me cause otherwise a nerd like him wouldn’t waist so much time after me and that maybe whatever he told my fake account he probably said it just in a fit of rage… I CONTINUED FLIRTING WITH HIM FROM MY FAKE ACCOUNT EVEN AFTER WE GOT BACK CAUSE I DIDN’T WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY ME…THEREFORE,TO PREVENT MYSELF BEING A SUSPECT THE FLIRTING WENT ON.. One day, when I was talking to my boyfriend with the fake account on Facebook a friend came in and took over the chat and asked him to be friends with benefits.. AND TO MY UTTER SHOCK HE AGREED! WHEN I SHARED THIS WITH MY FRIEND AGAIN HE SAID THAT MY BOYFRIEND WASN’T SERIOUS ABOUT BEING FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS HE WAS JUST GOING WITH THE FLOW.. me being aware of him flirting with girls is okay but what hurt me was him agreeing to be friends with benefits with my fake account! I LATER DEACTIVATED MY ACCOUNT AS MY FRIENDS SAID THAT THIS’LL HELP IN PREVENTING MY MIND FROM PLAYING GAMES.

Last night when I was in a romantic mood and he did a thing which made me very happy.. so,I told him, “I love you.” And I suddenly realize that I can’t remember the last time he told me those words since we started going out. I asked him, “when was the last time you told me I love you?” And obviously he avoided it.. I asked him and then he made excuses of the network being out of reach.. and I finally tell him this- “you won’t be able to answer me even if I give you forever because you don’t even have an answer! Listen, please don’t force yourself to be with me if you don’t love me..I remember you telling me a couple of times that you no more have any emotions and all but I always ignored you but today I’m telling you don’t be with me if you don’t feel anything for me.”And that is when he said, “Sorry Mashiat..I can’t be with you…” Later when we talked he told me one thing, “ You know why I behaved the way I did? Cause I was always in stress and I had you in mind, worrying whether you took your meds on time, whether you studied properly, did you sleep well, etc. … but you’ll never understand all this cause you never tried to understand me. All you had in time was whether I gave you enough time and whether I was betraying you but what I always had in mind was whether you did everything properly and on time or not…” Well, I obviously can’t deny that he never stopped taking care of me even when we were in a fight, even after we broke up!

I want him back but I’m in a dilemma of whether I should try to get him back! What am I supposed to do? HELP!

mashiat · Oct 21, 2013, 10:37 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Your desperation was what drove him away in the first place. You can't tell me that you've changed since then, since he had issues with it from the beginning, and told you to stop, and you didn't.

You're still the same person, the same insecure person, that you were during the relationship. It doesn't matter how much you want him back, he tried, he talked to you, he asked you to stop with your obsessive behavior, and you didn't. Now you're going to obsess about getting him back?

I see a restraining order in your future if you don't stop this.

Well,Alty... I changed and got him back too :) but something happened and I myself let him go... though I still want him... errr don't know what to do... I posted another question check that out

joypulv · Oct 22, 2013, 01:59 AM

No, you don't try to get him back. You have serious problems and need therapy.
Please don't blame past men for your present mistrust, suspicions, jealousy, and drama.
You were attracted to those men. The problem is yours, not theirs.
Nothing 'made you a nag.' You nagged of your own free will.
You lost a nice guy, it seems, because of all your baggage.
Stay alone for a while while you get help. Help mostly means recognizing your responsibility for your actions, and not blaming others. That's the easy part. Putting it into practice is the hard part.

Cat1864 · Oct 22, 2013, 05:26 AM

Originally Posted by mashiat

Well,Alty... I changed and got him back too :) but something happened and I myself let him go... though I still want him... errr don't know what to do... I posted another question check that out

That question has been merged into this thread. Please do not start new threads asking about the same subject. If you have more questions or want to add additional information do so here.

This is another reason you need time on your own to learn how to be secure in your own thoughts and feelings.

I HAD A VERY BAD EXPERIENCE OF GETTING CHEATED ON IN THE PAST…and this thing made me insecure in nature about relationships…AND MY NATURE OF BEING INSECURE TURNED ME INTO A NAG TOWARDS MY BOYFRIEND! he has a very tight schedule, and is always busy with work(that’s what he tells me) which is why it was hard for him to give me much time.. BUT BECAUSE OF MY NATURE OF BEING INSECURE AND POSSESSIVE MY BRAIN PLAYED GAMES AND I WAS BOUND TO SUSPECT HIM THAT HE WAS EITHER PLAYING ME OR DOUBLING ME... but then again I managed to convince myself that he isn't a person like that
SOME TIMES BACK WHEN WE HAD A FIGHT OVER HIM GIVING ME HIS WRONG PASSWORD OF HIS FACEBOOK ACCOUNT…[though Iater when he gave me his email id and password of his Facebook account again, I found out that I actually typed the E-mail ID wrong (maybe he gave me the wrong email id or apparently my mind was playing games again.. I TRULY DON’T KNOW)]……I opened a fake account to test him.. My fake account flirted with him in full energy! And my boyfriend flirted back.. well, there is a little twist here; him and I, we don’t have a problem flirting with outsiders other than each other.. we allow each other to flirt with others unless it gets serious and way out of the line! but the thing is he told my fake account that he lost his love for me after I started becoming a nag, whereas, when we recently got back I asked him not to force himself to stay with me just out of pity and he told me that he does still feel for me. When I told a friend about it he said that my boyfriend does still feel for me cause otherwise a nerd like him wouldn’t waist so much time after me and that maybe whatever he told my fake account he probably said it just in a fit of rage… I CONTINUED FLIRTING WITH HIM FROM MY FAKE ACCOUNT EVEN AFTER WE GOT BACK CAUSE I DIDN’T WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY ME…THEREFORE,TO PREVENT MYSELF BEING A SUSPECT THE FLIRTING WENT ON.. One day, when I was talking to my boyfriend with the fake account on Facebook a friend came in and took over the chat and asked him to be friends with benefits.. AND TO MY UTTER SHOCK HE AGREED! WHEN I SHARED THIS WITH MY FRIEND AGAIN HE SAID THAT MY BOYFRIEND WASN’T SERIOUS ABOUT BEING FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS HE WAS JUST GOING WITH THE FLOW.. me being aware of him flirting with girls is okay but what hurt me was him agreeing to be friends with benefits with my fake account! I LATER DEACTIVATED MY ACCOUNT AS MY FRIENDS SAID THAT THIS’LL HELP IN PREVENTING MY MIND FROM PLAYING GAMES.

Last night when I was in a romantic mood and he did a thing which made me very happy.. so,I told him, “I love you.” And I suddenly realize that I can’t remember the last time he told me those words since we started going out. I asked him, “when was the last time you told me I love you?” And obviously he avoided it.. I asked him and then he made excuses of the network being out of reach.. and I finally tell him this- “you won’t be able to answer me even if I give you forever because you don’t even have an answer! Listen, please don’t force yourself to be with me if you don’t love me..I remember you telling me a couple of times that you no more have any emotions and all but I always ignored you but today I’m telling you don’t be with me if you don’t feel anything for me.”And that is when he said, “Sorry Mashiat..I can’t be with you…” Later when we talked he told me one thing, “ You know why I behaved the way I did? Cause I was always in stress and I had you in mind, worrying whether you took your meds on time, whether you studied properly, did you sleep well, etc. … but you’ll never understand all this cause you never tried to understand me. All you had in time was whether I gave you enough time and whether I was betraying you but what I always had in mind was whether you did everything properly and on time or not…” Well, I obviously can’t deny that he never stopped taking care of me even when we were in a fight, even after we broke up!

I want him back but I’m in a dilemma of whether I should try to get him back! What am I supposed to do? HELP!

This in no way excuses your behavior however I am wondering if there might be more to your reactions than insecurity over past hurts. What medications are you on and what are they for? Some medications can have side-effects and interactions that can cause minor issues to become major problems. Add into the mix diet, sleeping habits, stress, etc. and you may have more going on than being emotionally unbalanced.

I am wondering if I owe your friends an apology. Did you 'test' him on your own or because friends told you to test him?