[jodar7]

I suffer from anxiety, social anxiety, and depression, along with self-esteem issues. I've never dated, been in love or even been kissed. Although in the past guys have apparently shown an interest in me but I'm terrible at receiving and giving signs of attraction so I often overlooked flirting guys, assuming they were just being nice because 'most guys wouldn't find me 'attractive' or would like me if they 'really' got to know me anyway.' (People have complimented my looks before, it just boils down to low self-esteem I guess).

Anyway I'm here today because I need some advice about sex and relationships. This is super embarrassing to admit but my problem is that I'm extremely sex-obsessed. I'm horny nearly all the time and just want to lose my virginity and start FINALLY having sex. I'm an intelligent person, I run a small business, yet I fear that due to some insatiable, primal need I'll end up going to bed with the first guy I get the chance to do it with.. . And part of me wants this.

I don't have many friends, especially since I moved cities last year. I don't have any male friends and now that I'm no longer in university, I don't get to meet guys often (not sure how to talk to them anyway). And I also don't get crushes often but I've noticed that whenever I do these days (about once per year or less), my mind goes straight past friendship and love, and I start fantasizing about how our sex life would be. (My most common fantasy is of the guy eating me out, something I've lusted to experience for awhile now). I hate that my mind goes straight to the gutter, when a few years ago I couldn't even fathom thinking about a crush sexually without feeling sick.

There's a handyman, a friend of the family, he's 29, tall, good-looking and really nice. He also has an 8 year old kid. Anyway he's been showing me signs of interest for a while now (even asked me out to drinks once) and although the better part of me doesn't want to mix business and relationships (and doesn't want to mess with a guy 5 years older with a child) the horny, irrational me just pictures us having sex and him going down on me.

I'm afraid that if he comes on to me more I'll give in and try to have sex with him as soon as I get a chance. I'm partly ashamed by this because I've always believed in waiting to have sex, waiting till you're certain the guy loves you and vice versa. But these days I just want to . I'm 24, never even been kissed, and in a way I feel like I have zero standards. I don't want to disrespect myself or ruin any potential relationships by obsessing over sex and rushing into it. I'm just so horny these days that I've kind of stopped caring.. . Yeah, I'm a walking contradiction.

Has anyone else been through something similar? Can I get some advice? Thanks.

How do I overcome this?

[Wondergirl]

Do you read romance novels?

[jodar7]

Not really, why?

Why do I even come here? I never get responses. Whatever. Last week when he visited my store, the handyman said he should be free from work for at least a week. Hopefully he still remembers that he asked me out for drinks. I'm going to go, get drunk and hopefully sleep with him. Done.

[Alty]

You always get answers. The fact is, we're not psychologists, we're volunteers, we post answers for free. You're not going to get help online for free.

You need far more help than we can provide.

[jodar7]

You always get answers. The fact is, we're not psychologists, we're volunteers, we post answers for free. You're not going to get help online for free.

You need far more help than we can provide.

I know you aren't psychologists, I wasn't looking for a medical answer to my question. I just wanted someone else's opinion, instead I'm being asked about the kind of books I read? Ridiculous. Anyway, this place was no real help. I'm giving it up to him the first chance I get because I haven't been given any reason not to.

[odinn7]

You're expecting responses at the wrong time. I don't know where you are located but it's late at night where I am and most people aren't here at this time.

It also isn't fair that you say you don't get responses. Look back at your previous questions, you did get answers... you just didn't seem to agree with some of them. I even took the time to answer you months ago and you jumped me because you didn't like what I said. That doesn't encourage people to answer you when you pull an attitude on someone who is trying to help you.

But Alty is right, I think the help you need is beyond what we can offer.

[Alty]

I know you aren't psychologists, I wasn't looking for a medical answer to my question. I just wanted someone else's opinion, instead I'm being asked about the kind of books I read?! Ridiculous. Anyway, this place was no real help. I'm giving it up to him the first chance I get because I haven't been given any reason not to.

You're not a child, according to your posts. You can jump whoever you want. We have no sway in what you do.

But, if you're doing it because you're messed up and you thought you'd get help online, instead of seeing someone that can get the whole story, do tests, find out what's wrong with you, then you're only hurting yourself.

I agree, what you're reading has no bearing on what you're dealing with, it was a silly post. But not every post, or poster, is going to give you valid advice. That's the chance you take when you post online. We can't control what others post. There are experts on this site, but anyone that joins can answer any question posted. You have to be smart enough to pick the good from the bad.

Bottom line, I really don't think anyone online can help you. You need to seek the advice of a professional.

It's up to you to choose the advice you'll follow.

I wish you good luck.

[jodar7]

You're not a child, according to your posts. You can jump whoever you want. We have no sway in what you do.

I know that, but the fact is I'm not experienced. I've never even been kissed, yet I'm seriously considering having sex and losing my virginity to this guy. I thought there might be people here who cared enough to offer me some advice about a life-changing decision/milestone like this. (I'm willing to listen to reason, to the pros and cons about this kind of endeavor) I could use advice from someone who cares about me as person. I see that's clearly not you. That's fine. Please leave me alone though.

I'll wait till tomorrow, hopefully I'll get better advice then. My life story isn't any of your business but I can't afford therapy or anything like that. My father left when we were young, and my mom is going through financial trouble due to an old friend of hers who framed her. She dealing with legal issues now and my sister and I own a house and run a store to help support her. It's so easy to tell anyone you can't/ don't want to help "oh, go get help. Go find a professional" but that's not an option for many people. And it's incredibly insensitive of you both to assume everyone has the financial means, the luxury of affording that kind of service.

PLUS this post has to do solely with whether I should give up my virginity to the guy in my post, because I wish to experience sex and feel satisfied. Or if I should keep waiting it out for that legendary "Mr. Right" who will probably never come because it's next to impossible to have my ideal, long-term loving relationship with my anxiety issues, getting in the way. In short, it's a matter of having sex to fulfill my body's needs and desires, or waiting it out to keep within societies and my own internalized morals about sex.

THAT'S WHAT THIS POST IS ABOUT. It has NOTHING to do with seeing a therapist about anything. You don't have any advice to offer me. Cool, just move along and don't insult me.

[Alty]

I'll wait till tomorrow, hopefully I'll get better advice then. My life story isn't any of your business but I can't afford therapy or anything like that. My father left when we were young, and my mom is going through financial trouble due to an old friend of hers who framed her. She dealing with legal issues now and my sister and I own a house and run a store to help support her. It's so easy to tell anyone you can't or don't want to help "oh, go get help. Go find a professional" but that's not an option for many people.

Plus this post has to do solely with whether or not I should give up my virginity to the guy in my post because I wish to experience sex and mostly won't find my ideal, long-term loving relationship due to anxiety issues, etc. Or if I should keep waiting it out for that legendary "Mr. Right" who will probably never come. It's a matter of having sex to fulfill my own needs, or waiting it out to keep within societies and my own internalized morals.

THAT'S WHAT THIS POST IS ABOUT. It has NOTHING to do with seeing a therapist about anything. If you don't have any advice to offer me, cool, move along and don't insult me. Thanks

Waaa!

I was molested since I was 5 years old until I was well into the double digits. I was raped when I was 18. I then lost both of my parents within 6 months of each other, then I miscarried and almost died because of it, then my mother in law died, my husbands sister stopped talking to us. The list goes on and on.

We can't even afford to pay our bills most of the time, much less give our children and pets the life they deserve.

Stop whining. If you think you're the only one with issues, you're fooling yourself.

Bottom line, you won;'t get any help on this site, no one is licensed to deal with your issues. If you can't or won't find a professional to help (I did, and like I said, I can barely afford bills that keep the power on in my home), then deal with your issues and learn to live with them.

The only person on this site that claims to be a former therapist, was the one that asked if you read romance novels. She's the one that's most qualified to help.

So wait until she comes back to help. You didn't seem to like her advice, so good luck with that.

[odinn7]

Now you see that? Again, you get answers and you get nasty about what you're being told... then you complain that nobody answers you. What a vicious circle. If what we're saying doesn't fit, then there are decent ways to say it without being nasty. If we aren't answering what you expect us to answer, then explain it without jumping us. But you can't can you? All your previous questions show this about you.

Maybe someone tomorrow will answer you and you can have some miraculous answer that will solve your issue here. Then again, maybe someone will answer you and you'll get pis$ed off at them too.

I'm done.

[jodar7]

I'm not going to respond to either of the previous posters anymore. I'm not here to fight. I just want some helpful advice, like anyone else who posts on this site.

I'm done.

I'm glad. Please stop harassing me.

Waaa!

I was molested since I was 5 years old until I was well into the double digits. I was raped when I was 18. I then lost both of my parents within 6 months of each other, then I miscarried and almost died because of it, then my mother in law died, my husbands sister stopped talking to us. The list goes on and on.

We can't even afford to pay our bills most of the time, much less give our children and pets the life they deserve.

Stop whining. If you think you're the only one with issues, you're fooling yourself.

Bottom line, you won;'t get any help on this site, no one is licensed to deal with your issues. If you can't or won't find a professional to help (I did, and like I said, I can barely afford bills that keep the power on in my home), then deal with your issues and learn to live with them.

The only person on this site that claims to be a former therapist, was the one that asked if you read romance novels. She's the one that's most qualified to help.

So wait until she comes back to help. You didn't seem to like her advice, so good luck with that.

Just leave me alone. I'm not here to fight anyone. If tomorrow the posts I get here are just full of awful stuff like yours I'll just be done with this site forever. There are many other, far more up-to-date, and much more active online forums and resources I can turn to where I can actually get help from professionals or at least kind, caring, thoughtful people.. . Not things like you.

[Alty]

Just leave me alone. I'm not here to fight anyone. If tomorrow the posts I get here are just full of awful stuff like yours I'll just be done with this site forever. There are many other online resources I can turn to where I'll actually get help from professionals, not things like you.

You have very serious issues, and you think you'll get help online?

Go to those other resources. Go have sex with that random guy. Go do whatever you want.

I've been in far worse circumstances than you, but you, you think you're the only one with issues, and you think that people with actual expertise in psychology, volunteer for free on a website.

You're delusional.

You won't find any real help for your vast issues online. When you realize that, I hope you get the real help you need.

Bye!

[greentree30]

You shouldn't feel bad if your mind automatically goes to sex when you see someone you're attracted to. We tend to think only men have sexual thoughts all the time, but women do too. I'm not attracted to people easily so when I am my mind goes straight to sexual thoughts! In my opinion it's fun to have intrusive sexual thoughts. I honestly feel like I have no control over these thoughts.. I'll be at the grocery store, see a hot guy, and bam my mind jumps to giving him a blow job! Lol I actually don't mind when this happens, it's really entertaining to me!

And just because you have a sexual thought doesn't mean you can't go talk to that person and push the thought out of your head. When you talk about normal things your mind will have to concentrate on what each other is saying, and it'll be harder to fixate on sexual thoughts. I have social anxiety too, so almost every time I talk to someone new I feel some anxiety, but I just push through it. Afterwards I'm just proud of myself for chatting with them. Whether they thought I was weird or not, or maybe they could tell I was nervous. I'm still glad I chatted with them no matter what they thought of me. The truth is some people can't even tell that your nervous and even if they can tell, some people might think that being nervous/ awkward is cute.

So about having sex asap. I totally understand wanting to jump into it fast. Or maybe you think you can't control yourself long enough to wait? I'm not telling you to wait or not. But I'm pretty sure you can control yourself (for however long you decide) until you think the time is right. The biggest thing is to make sure you're safe though. Make him use a condom. Protecting yourself is extremely important because you can never take back getting aids or std's.

If you do decide to wait (even if that just means waiting until a certain amount of dates, or waiting until you feel like you both really care for each other), you can make a decision beforehand to only meet up with him in public places and say goodbye in public places too (don't go to each others house). So you don't get the chance to act on those urges. If you feel like if you had the opportunity you'd jump his bones the first chance you get, well just avoid a situation that you would be alone, until you're ready.

Trust me every person deals with being sexually frustrated and having sexual thoughts. Some people more than others but it is a normal thing. Don't be hard on yourself about it, there is nothing wrong it.

The comment about asking if you've ever read romance novels, maybe she was going to tell you to use it for masturbating. That is just a guess. I do hope you masturbate! So you can make those urges chill out for a little while. You could even masturbate before the date so you won't feel as horny during the date.

[smoothy]

Cripes... talk about having issues... and a bad attitude.

First off... if you aren't in therapy now... you really need to get into it... post-haste.

Second... with the attitude I've seen... most guys are going to run the other direction... no matter how attractive you might be.

Third... if you really want to be in a good relationship... you are going to have to seriously deal with the above two issues... because any guy worth having around... isn't going to want to deal with the daily drama... because quite honestly... there are a LOT of women out there... even if they might not be the most attractive physically... might actually have great personalities... and beauty does fade... what varies is how fast and how much... then what you are left with is the personality... if its abrasive and unatractive on its own... then what do you have to offer?

Seriously... before you waste more years of your life before you come to grasp the need. Get yourself into therapy now... you aren't getting any younger... and you'll never get those years back.

And trust me... NO woman is gods gift to man... nor is any man gods gift to women.


WIthout therapy... anything else would be a huge waste of time.

[N0help4u]

You can let the 'horny' side of you take control and get a guy in bed that will only see you as an easy sleezy and dump you like yesterdays news. Then worry about how your reputation is going to be if you allow your 'horny' side to get the better of you.
OR you can control your urges and really get to know this guy and possibly build a solid lasting relationship.

[Wondergirl]

I had asked about reading romance novels because I wanted to know if you found it easy to relate to any of the female characters. I didn't follow up because I had gotten sidetracked in my real life.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find a counselor and meet with that person for at least two or three sessions -- to dip your toe in the water, so to speak. If you connect with that person, continue to meet with him/her. Your anxiety and depression need to be addressed and dealt with, with talking and maybe even meds. You can't see it now, but anxiety and depression will cause you untold problems once you get into any kind of a relationship, no matter how fleeting it is.

[Cat1864]

jodar, here is my advice. Get involved in a hobby or take a continuing education/community center-based class or volunteer somewhere where you can interact with people socially. Learn how to make small talk and what casual flirting is.

Community center and Continuing Education classes offered by many Community Colleges or universities have students from all walks of life and age groups for you to interact with and get to know. Some hobby shops and hardware stores have classes on varied subjects. Many of these classes are very low cost or even free. But the experience you gain in talking and listening to others (and possibly making friends) is invaluable.

Read your posts. Understand that how you present yourself to others affects how they respond to you.

Take responsibility for your own actions and thoughts. Saying that you are going to do x because no one told you not to or gave you any reasons you shouldn't is a way of saying you aren't responsible for yourself and what you do.

Stop making excuses for your behavior. Lack of experience only covers so much. So you haven't been kissed or out on a date. So you think about sex and find a man sexy. This does not mean you have to threaten posters on a website that you are going to seduce him the first chance you get because they didn't tell you 'no'. That is childish and immature logic. It also borders on Trollish behavior.

If the way you handle interactions with people here is any indication of how you deal with people face-to-face, then you do need help. You need someone who can sit down with you and who can help you develop tools for handling your social anxiety and interactions. We can give you advice, but having someone who can look you in the eye and say 'enough' when you start shoving your responsibility to adapt and learn on to them can give you more help than we can.

[greentree30]

I agree that she should go to therapy. But I don't agree that she needs to wait for a relationship/ start dating until she's improved a ton through therapy (that could possibly take years).

If I waited until a lot of therapy to help myself esteem /issues then I don't know when I would have ever had a relationship! Sure it's best to be as healthy minded as you can be for a relationship but that's not always attainable.

Life experience (which includes relationships) helped me grow and learn and helped my confidence and social anxieties improve. I use to be a lot worse anxiety wise in my early 20's. But when I met my boyfriend (now husband) he was my rock and helped me deal with a lot of my issues. I started being more social once I was dating him, started being able to grieve because of my past, and much more.

I've had a good amount of therapy, and so far life experiences and my husband and friends have helped me more than therapy. Not to discredit therapy, it can be wonderful and life changing (although that hasn't happened for me yet). But I don't think I could be mentally where I am today unless I met my husband back when I was a mess and he helped me through it so much.

I do agree to get into therapy asap though. It's very helpful and there is no shame in it. Also medication can help a ton. Depression and anxiety can mess with your perception of things. And you can read into things more than what's necessary.

[ScottGem]

You want an answer as to whether you should have sex with this guy? The answer is no. Sex is not a recreational sport. Its something you share with someone you are deeply involved and committed to.

So yes, you need professional help in dealing with your issues and feelings and attitude. This site is different from others because we don't just answer specific questions, we try to offer solutions to problems. So we respond, not just to the question, but to the problem. Also, you can't dictate who can respond to your questions or how. As long as they don't violate the rules of this site the responses are valid

[CravenMorhead]

I can't diagnose any of this but I get the feeling that you've got Asperger syndrome or another form of autism. You fit the bill of the symptoms and act like a tone of people I know with this syndrome. Not much you can do about it. Keep it in mind.

Also. One more post like the above criticizing the VOLUNTEERS here and lashing out because the advice you're getting isn't the advice you want and I'll close this thread. Be respectful here. Think about what you say and what we're saying. We're not trying to lead you down the garden path. We're, despite every effort on your part, trying to help you. Swallow your pride.

Do we have an understanding here?

Moving along, should you lose your virginity to this person? You're conflicted. You wanted to save it until you're in love but you're not getting into a relationships to the point where you are in love. Admirable. Now you see a stallion you want to ride until the early hours. It's natural. The conflict, you want to f**k him but you want to wait to make sure you're in love with him.

There are two solutions:
1). Go out for drinks with him. Go out on a few dates with him. Start a relationship. You might get hurt. You might not. A few months down the line when you believe this is love and going to last then let him plow your fields.
2). Go out for drinks. Have sex. Go out again. Have more sex. etc.

I am off the mind that everyone should explore themselves sexually. I put no stock in virginity or the number of people you've had sex with. Your body has it's own ideas. You're putting yourself through unnecessary stress by being conflicted over this.

My honest advice is to go for it. You will probably get hurt. That's life. At leas at that point you won't be a never been kissed virgin.

If you disagree with that then don't. You have the answer already you're just using us to tease it out because you haven't realized it.

Also the age difference and the kid isn't an issue. I know people who've got a good relationship with a 10+year age difference as well as blended families. In this century that isn't unusual. The only difference is that you need to make sure that the child likes you as well as the man.

Good luck.