[Dvyflyer901]

I've never used an online forum such as this, but I'm desperate to get the opinion of others who are totally removed from my situation. I know that everyone has gone through this, and I've been the one to give advice to friends in my shoes in the past.. but it feels so different when it is you!

Long story short.. met her in 2002, instantly attracted, became good friends, started dating in 2003 and things were great for a time (aren't they always). Here's my little twist. Around April 2005 I began suffering from the effects of bipolar disorder. I stopped attending my classes, drank WAY too frequently, gambled, and pretty much slept any other time. I didn't care about anything in my life, so you can imagine how that affect the woman that loved me. We lived together like this for two years, and I never got my act together. All I would do was drink, gamble, and argue with her. I pushed her away emotionally and she finally moved out. It's been six months, and after the breakup I realized the horrible lifestyle I was living. I quit boozing, quit gambling, and started just basically living healthier. Problem is, I'm still in love with her. I haven't seen her, but every once in awhile I call.. and she cries. She's moved on as far as dating others, but she say that she "loves me, wants to talk to me, but can never be with me" because "you're sick, you'll always be sick..what if we had kids?? they'll be sick too".. Can you imagine how it must feel to be discarded by the one you love because of an illness? It's like berating a marathon runner who can't finish because he lost his leg... any thought of getting him a new leg and helping him run? I've had a good medicine now, and I'm getting my life in order.. if she still "loves me" why can't she look past my faults and help me run the race? Every time we talk.. I say "i don't understand" and she cries.. she just cries. Does she cry because I'm hurting? Because I'm sick? Because it didn't work out? I'm so confused.. I want to get on with my life, or I want her to be my life. How I make this clear to her? How can she help me? How can I help her? What should I do...

[Krs]

If what she is saying is sincere then I would say she is scared. She passed through a lot with you, and she is just watching her back. Which is only fair.

If you truly mean that you want her, prove it to her, prove that you have changed, and you are willing to be with her.

Maybe some counseling together could help?

[wontbez]

Why did you quit drinking and gambling and start living healthy? If you did it to win her back then I would say you did it for the wrong reason. People with mental disorders often don't like taking medication and unless they have a reason to take it will fight to avoid it.

For example: lets say your promises to her work and you indeed get her back, now you no longer have a reason for living better (you could argue that then your reason would be to keep her which might be true). See if your whole reason for bettering yourself is for the benefit of someone else it will almost always cause problems, simply because you're always looking for a new reason.

You should decide to live better for yourself first. I can't help you make that decision but if you do then the only person you have to prove anything to is you and you'll always have a reason that never changes and in doing so everyone will see that you aren't dependent on others and they won't be afraid.

It sounds like if you talk to her it shouldn't be about getting back together, at least for a while. If all she does is cry that's very counter productive, wouldn't it better for the next few months if when you two talked all you did was laugh? Show her that you want to be a better person but don't make her promises, instead make them to yourself.

You're on the right track, just keep going.