[amj490]

Hi I have a sister who has always been the "needy" one of the family and everybody who helps her gets "burned". She lies and manipulates. Most recently she was moving and asked my husband while I was at work to put the Uhaul truck in his name because she owed Uhaul 61 bucks for her mother in law not refueling the truck that she had put in her name. Feeling sorry for her my husband put the truck in his name only to get a call from Uhaul today saying that he owed 395 dollars due to my sister not returning the truck to the same location she picked the truck up from.

I am so angry I do not know what to do. I am tired of her lies and schemes and ruining everything she touches and dragging the family down with her. I love my sister but I am tired of being hurt by her and she seems to not even care. The other day I had cut my finger and was at the ER getting stiches and she called and said that she was being arrested due to an unpaid parking ticket and needed me to come and get her car so it wouldn't get towed. When I told her that I was in the ER getting stitches she said I need you to come now, you can go back to the ER. I was seriously? But being the younger sister and wanting to help I left the ER before getting stitches drove an hour and picked up my sister car only for her to do this to me.

To make matters worse my husband and I are suppose to be moving in January and will need a moving truck and will probably have to pay the 395 dollars before we can rent again. Please help, I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to move away and cut the ties.

[odinn7]

You want help... but how far are you willing to go? It may seem harsh but you are partially to blame for this... you allow her to do this to you. The very part about you leaving the ER to do her bidding for her proves it. You should have said no and stuck to it. Too bad for her. But you did not. You did what she knew you would do and you will let her use you again and again.

There comes a point where you need to stand up for yourself and just tell her where to go... she is going to use you and anyone else that lets her do it as long as you keep allowing it to happen.

So what did you do about the money she owes you? Did you tell her she needs to pay it? Or did you just let that go also. You will probably wind up losing it as an expensive lesson but maybe this is the wake-up call that you needed. Tell her she needs to pay you back and you cannot and will not help her until she does because you cannot keep letting her take advantage of you this way. When or if she pays you back, still do not help her anymore.It is the only way you are going to stop this cycle.

[N0help4u]

You and your husband need to get in agreement that you are through with helping her no matter how sad or bad her stories are. You are only enabling her and in the process hurting your lives. You both need to tell her when she asks that she still owes you for this, that and the other things and until she starts helping you out you can not afford to help her any more. If you think calling a family meeting and discussing everybody standing their grounds not helping enable her will help maybe you should try that. Some people need tough love and a firm NO.

[talaniman]

It will continue until you have learned to say no, and mean it. When you helped her you knew you were in trouble, so she isn't entirely to blame. I know we want to trust and help family, but lets not get carried away, or crazy when they have screwed us ONCE.

After that it's on YOU.

[Alty]

I agree with the others. You're asking what you should do, you want help, but first you have to learn to help yourself. You're allowing her to treat you this way. If you give a known killer a knife, and then you're shocked when he stabs you, you're a fool. You know what she's like, yet you continue to allow her to use you. That's on you.

Yes, she's not a good human being, yes, she uses you. But you let her do it. That's your fault, not hers.

[amj490]

Thank you for all of the responses they were very helpful.

[Jake2008]

It isn't easy to say 'no', particularly when it is a family member, and they need you.

But maybe think of this a different way. What good are you really doing for her, to allow her not to be responsible.

If you were to say, simply, sorry I can't help you out this time, and not offer any reasons or give any indication that you can be talked into something (keep changing the subject), she will get the hint, and go and knock on someone else's door. Then she is their problem.

You can be a good sister, and not be used and abused at the same time. Allowing her not to walk all over you, forces her to accept you in a different way. She will have m ore respect for you if you set limits.

And if you set limits with her, you will have a better relationship that is much more stable rather than one-sided.

Give her the benefit of all you have to offer, with limits to what you won't offer (bailing her out), and if you stick to your guns, and she learns that she cannot continue leaning on you, and you allowing it, she will develop a little bit of independence. Also a good thing.

It may get her thinking, and just growing up a bit.

I would be careful not to talk about what you and your husband decide to do, and keep it to yourselves. To polarize her and have the family knowing you have made changes to your relationship with her, can cause a huge rift, as well as resentment. Then you are faced with possible critical opinions and negative comments, which nobody needs.

[joypulv]

I agree.
Meanwhile, don't wait until January to pay the UHaul bill. There's no way your husband can avoid the fact that it's in his name.

I'm in my 60s. If I ever sat down and tried to tally all the times I have cost other people money, and all the times other people have cost me money, it would take me all day. And it might all even out. Maybe neither one of you has ever needed help, I don't know. If that's the case, chalk it up to getting a lousy grade in Manipulative Sibling 101.