Check out some similar questions!

dontknownuthin · Aug 16, 2013, 05:38 AM

>Threads merged to keep all information and advice on this subject in one place.<

I am middle aged and divorced with a college aged son. I work as a family law paralegal and encountered an old friend a year ago who was getting a divorce, which was being handled very poorly. I can't give legal advice but I did tell him his case was not being managed well and to get a new attorney. I also reviewed his documents with him and write out questions and issues to raise. This helped him considerably.

We forged a very close friendship and I started to sense he was pursuing me romantically. He is not the right fit for me in that regard. I let him know I would not date a married guy or even a newly divorced guy and shared my practical and moral reasons for having that personal policy. I also told him I was comfortable as friends and hoped he could be, too.

He didn't get the message and kept pursuing me so I had to be more clear, g

dontknownuthin · Aug 16, 2013, 05:54 AM

Sorry.. IPhone wigging out... rest of story is I had to be a bit more forceful in my honesty. The reason was that I became aware he was entering a terrible agreement pertaining to his kids just to finish the divorce sooner. He wanted to finish to eliminate my objection to dating a married man. He got the message at that point. However we remain very close friends, or at least I thought so. Within a few days of this last discussion, he saw my former sister in law to do some carpentry work for her business. Because our friendship started of me helping with his divorce, we naturally bonded over countless stories about our divorce experiences and ongoing issues with our exes and their families. I have maintained a cordial relationship with my former in laws for my son's sake but this sister in law was a major contributing factor in my divorce and is almost routinely grossly inappropriate, entitled, obnoxious not only to me but to my son.

Well, now my friend is dating this sister in law, and didn't tell me for weeks! In the meantime, he continued hanging out with me and engaging in these discussions about our respective in-laws.

I'd like to be done with both of them but I have many mutual friends with him. She remains my son's aunt.

What do you all think if this and how would you handle it?

joypulv · Aug 16, 2013, 06:02 AM

I guess you weren't really 'friends' as you mention, and least in the final analysis, because he was in love with you. Maybe he just fell into her arms out of the frustration of waiting for you, or maybe it was some sort of spite, or maybe she glommed onto him just to stick it to you --- or maybe he actually likes her, who knows. Nothing wrong with telling a married man you won't date him until he's divorced, but it had some sad consequences.
What to do? Nothing at all. Bide your time, quietly. If you have to say something, mumble that you are happy for them. Their relationship may not work out.

Cat1864 · Aug 16, 2013, 06:36 AM

Why stop being honest with him? You have told him how you feel about dating him, why not tell him up front that you need to back off from the friendship. You value him as a friend, but he knows the issues you have with your son's aunt. You do not want to allow your issues to affect his relationship with her. You will still be his friend, but he needs to hang out with someone else.

You won't stop caring about him as a friend, but you need to distance yourself from their relationship. Last thing you need is for him to start pouring out their problems to you. End confusion and complications before they get started.

Jake2008 · Aug 16, 2013, 06:42 AM

I like the way you have handled yourself so far. Your personal standards, are what is saving you now.

He is now seeing your son's aunt. You were lucky in a way that you didn't cross any lines with him, because he is showing behavior that you have avoided, by having personal standards.

He is In no way ready as most aren't, immediately following divorce and custody issues, to be involved with anybody- which fits in with how you probably perceive this. That he chose to jump into a relationship with your son's aunt, would likely have been you, had you let it happen.

I think you should just carry on as you have been. He knows where you stand, and although it probably stings a bit because you provided him with much needed information and help, that is all it was. In hindsight, you maybe should have been less of a friend, but, the friendship worked on a personal, not romantic, level, and friendships change.

If it were me, I would have as little as possible to do with either of them, just to keep the peace. If he phones for a talk, or advice, I'd be busy.

All you've lost was a one sided friendship and nothing more.

N0help4u · Aug 16, 2013, 07:11 AM

You can politely tell him you feel this friendship has gone as far as it can maybe throw in conflict of interest. Right now he wants you as an ear for his problems. I am sure you don't want to hear stories good or bad about the ex inlaw. Then distance yourself.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 16, 2013, 08:09 AM

A man of course is free to date 2, 3 or 4 women, if there are no commitments and in this case he was just interested, not dating. He also had no obligation to tell you.

I really do not see he did anything that wrong, except not taking NO for an answer. But perhaps he really was confusing friendship with something more.

I do agree, honesty and just keep being yourself

Oliver2011 · Aug 16, 2013, 10:41 AM

You know after telling him no so many times you don't really get a vote in their dating situation. Your best solution is to move on from them. That is my answer for the dating aspect. As far as having a nemesis - life is just too short.

dontknownuthin · Aug 26, 2013, 06:03 AM

One of my best friends was pursuing me romantically by I wanted to just remain friends. We are both middle aged. Besides not feeling "that way" about him, he was making poor decisions about his parenting agreement in his haste to finish the divorce, because I would not date a married man. I considered dating a future possibility but felt he needed more time. We continued our friendship which was very close, confiding very difficult experiences about our mutual divorces and especially hardships with our in laws. We both had spouses we loved but who had dveloped mental health issues. Mine had OCD and anxiety issues and his wife had alcoholism and a personality disorder. In both situations the in-laws contributed to the divorces. My sister in law was the worst, and treated me very badly for many years -she is a very abusive person who likes to humiliate people...

Sorry... it keeps posting before I'm done and won't let me edit. So anyway I was looking out for him as much as for myself but still waned the friendship. Our relationship started around our mutual problems ith divorce and difficulties with former in laws. We talked in brutally honest terms, with a clear expectation of mutual confidence about these in-laws. Now I learned that while pursuing me and engaging in these conversations and confidences with me, he was already seeing my former sister in law, having dinner with her and my former mother in law. Now I'm being asked to "make an effort" and am being made out to be unreasonable because I feel betrayed. He met her at my son's graduation party and was aware she was included as my son's aunt but it was hard for me to have her there. He didn't really know her before... they were acquainted thirty years ago in high school because they were in the same class, but our school was huge... over 700 kids in each class. Am I wrong to just end this friendship? Do you see his behavior as a betrayal? He keeps telling me I am the closest friend he has ever had.

joypulv · Aug 26, 2013, 06:06 AM

------ and then he started dating the evil ex SIL, right?

N0help4u · Aug 26, 2013, 06:08 AM

So are you wanting to know how to let him down easy, tell him you need more time or that you just want to be friends?

dontknownuthin · Aug 26, 2013, 06:11 AM

One of my best friends was pursuing me romantically by I wanted to just remain friends. We are both middle aged. Besides not feeling "that way" about him, he was making poor decisions about his parenting agreement in his haste to finish the divorce, because I would not date a married man. I considered dating a future possibility but felt he needed more time. We continued our friendship which was very close, confiding very difficult experiences about our mutual divorces and especially hardships with our in laws. We both had spouses we loved but who had dveloped mental health issues. Mine had OCD and anxiety issues and his wife had alcoholism and a personality disorder. In both situations the in-laws contributed to the divorces. My sister in law was the worst, and treated me very badly for many years -she is a very abusive person who likes to humiliate people as a form of entertainment. While I was confusing in my friend about this situation, he was forming relationships with my in laws behind my back. He is now dating this sister in law seriously and had started while he was also pursuing me.

I have thought I should terminate the friendship but am being made out to he unreasonable. What do you think? I feel very betrayed, and like there has been a spy in the room. I go to great lengths to keep these people out of my life because they twist things to hurt me and my son. My son is an adult now and I no longer have to be involved with the in laws, and my ex husband, now getting well, keeps his distance from his sister too, in particular. Incidentally I had technical issues with this post.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 26, 2013, 06:16 AM

You need to make it clear that you are not interested, if he can not accept it, you will just have to break the friendship

dontknownuthin · Aug 26, 2013, 06:17 AM

I meant to say I was confiding in him, not confusing. My friend met my sister in law at my son's graduation party, where she had been predictably inappropriate. She gave my teenage boy a huge box of assorted condoms as a gift, in front of me, both grandmothers, his other aunt, his girlfriend and her parents. She made clear she thought it was funny to embarrass him. She knows my family are conservative Catholics and do not believe in either premarital sex or birth control. The party was at my elderly parents' home.

N0help4u · Aug 26, 2013, 06:19 AM

I'd dump him. He made his decision to show his interest and intent is not with you. If others want to side with him and be unreasonable cut them off when they try to discuss it.

N0help4u · Aug 26, 2013, 06:21 AM

Looks like you asked this question 3 times

Cat1864 · Aug 26, 2013, 07:01 AM

This is going to be harsh.

You told him you weren't interested in him romantically. You made him believe it. He found someone else who you don't approve of for whatever reasons (I will not get into whether she is good or bad person.) They met. They like each other. They date.

He is/was your friend and nothing more. You have no hold him. You cannot dictate who he sees and who he doesn't. He didn't and doesn't have to tell you about everyone he pursues. He may have been quiet simply because he didn't want to upset you or felt it was none of your business.

If you feel betrayed, then you need to deal with those feelings. They are yours to own. So is the anger and frustration at your former in-laws. You cannot thrust them on to him. You cannot expect him to have the same feelings toward them that you do.

Was he really a friend or a stand-in for a therapist? Are you angry because he is seeing her or that he didn't wait around until you decided he recovered enough for you to date?

If you need to let the friendship go for your own peace of mind, do so. Was there more to the friendship than sharing negative stories about the exes?

joypulv · Aug 26, 2013, 07:46 AM

I wrote a long reply that got nuked because threads were being merged. (Happens a lot, grr.)
I would ask if you can separate 2 things: the hurt that he is dating someone he knew you consider your nemesis, and the hurt that he didn't tell you right away. The first one you need to accept, because no unmarried adult gets to tell anyone whom to date. The second one needs to be worked out (for your peace of mind). It sounds like he was trying to explain it to you as 'it wasn't sudden because we knew each other in high school' and you aren't buying that?

dontknownuthin · Aug 26, 2013, 08:06 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Looks like you asked this question 3 times

Yes - my apology for that. I was using my Iphone - couldn't find my original thread so thought it hadn't posted. When I tried to repost it seemed not to be working, so yeah - very sorry about the multiple posts.

dontknownuthin · Aug 27, 2013, 05:31 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

I wrote a long reply that got nuked because threads were being merged. (Happens a lot, grr.)
I would ask if you can separate 2 things: the hurt that he is dating someone he knew you consider your nemesis, and the hurt that he didn't tell you right away. The first one you need to accept, because no unmarried adult gets to tell anyone whom to date. The second one needs to be worked out (for your peace of mind). It sounds like he was trying to explain it to you as 'it wasn't sudden because we knew each other in high school' and you aren't buying that?

Thanks. I don't think he should date but accept he doesn't have to answer to me on that score. My upset is only that he permitted (enc