[Karlymuse95]

My mom and step dad have been going out for three years now and throughout them three years his ex who he has three children with have always been in the picture even when she started going out with a who is now 23 (she's 35) they have since had a baby together but she only wanted one when my mom did but my parents couldn't have a baby because my dad had versctemy (probs not spelt that right) which hi ex made him have when he was still with her but again she still seems to be trying to minpulate him she doesn't care for her children she treat my dad like crap when they were together but now she seems to be trying to get in the picture and he's letting her. It's making my mom depressed and my moms tried getting along with her but she always causes arguments she tries to copy everything my mother does and recently we had an infant death in the family who was my first blood related cousin and the evil cow sent my mom a message on face book just two days after of a smiley face with a halo over it but my mom after some time tried to move on with my dad and he expected us to let her while we spent some time at the beach with the kids (who she neglects) let her come down and see them when it's his weekend with them then my mom said no that's it I'm not coming to which he shouted in my face and hers and said that my mom is obsessed with her and told my mom to go kill her self and so on. I shoute at him told him to look at what she's doing to my mom and he just screamed in my face (he was that close to my face our noses were nearly touching) an he walked out this happened today. I want an outsiders opinion on do you think we are coming second best to her?

[joypulv]

Your title says your step dad treats you as second best. Your question (at the end) asks if your mom does. And in between - sorry - but it's so poorly written that I can't figure out who 'she' and 'he' are most of the time. There are almost no periods. I do get the gist of it: your mom's boyfriend (or is he really married to her; people don't say husbands don't 'go out' with wives) has involved his ex wife in your and your mother's lives.
This happens a lot. We don't need all the little details. This is something you should be talking about with your mother. Try to tell her how you feel!
He is being childish for sure, if he yells at your mother to go kill herself in front of you. But you must know by now that people say things in anger that they don't mean. Maybe their relationship is on the rocks, maybe it isn't. We are strangers and aren't there. I know it's hard to talk to a parent as a real human being when you are young, but try.

[Karlymuse95]

Your title says your step dad treats you as second best. Your question (at the end) asks if your mom does. And in between - sorry - but it's so poorly written that I can't figure out who 'she' and 'he' are most of the time. There are almost no periods. I do get the gist of it: your mom's boyfriend (or is he really married to her; people don't say husbands don't 'go out' with wives) has involved his ex wife in your and your mother's lives.
This happens a lot. We don't need all the little details. This is something you should be talking about with your mother. Try to tell her how you feel!
He is being childish for sure, if he yells at your mother to go kill herself in front of you. But you must know by now that people say things in anger that they don't mean. Maybe their relationship is on the rocks, maybe it isn't. We are strangers and aren't there. I know it's hard to talk to a parent as a real human being when you are young, but try.

Sorry I'm incredibly tired and forgot to proof read I'll have to work out how to edit it later. Thank your for your reply all the same

[N0help4u]

He should be sticking by your moms side. It's not that you are second but mixed families come with a load of baggage. As the child of the family you really need to stay out of adult issues. I know you want what's best for your mom but you could be doing more harm than good.

[Karlymuse95]

He should be sticking by your moms side. It's not that you are second but mixed families come with a load of baggage. As the child of the family you really need to stay out of adult issues. I know you want what's best for your mom but you could be doing more harm than good.

Thank you but I am a legal an adult believe it or not from my post and most of my life I've been the one to look after my mom, even when her relationships have gone sour. I'm not going to stand back and let him treat my mom like she's crazy when everyone (His own family members included) have sai that he needs to man up and tell his ex to Erm 'get lost'

[N0help4u]

Oh the way you talked about the issues with his kids I thought you were younger. What does your mom have to say about all this?

[joypulv]

Most of your life? You can't possible be very old, just from the ages you mention.
If you aren't 'going to stand back,' then you get what you get with what your mother CHOOSES, and that is really none of your business, no matter how much you look after her.
You say she's had bad ones before, and she's probably going to have more.
At some age you are actually more a hindrance than a help, because she falls back on you to scrape her off the ground with each failure.
You, his family - none of you have any rights to tell the ex to um 'get lost' - only your mother does.
As for the smiley face with a halo, that's the way some people think they are being comforting, a baby happy in heaven. I don't like it either, but I don't make a federal case about it, and she doesn't deserve the title evil cow.
You need more of a life of your own now that you are an adult.

[Karlymuse95]

Oh the way you talked about the issues with his kids I thought you were younger. What does your mom have to say about all this?

Yeh I kind wrote all this when I had loads of things running through my head. And she's very hurt and angry, she agreed with what I had sai to him but she's more hurt with the fact that he can say all the hurtful thing to her but not his ex. I've tried my best to love him like a real dad but what he's doing in my eyes is unforgivable, I'm just at a lost and I think she is too.

Most of your life? You can't possible be very old, just from the ages you mention.
If you aren't 'going to stand back,' then you get what you get with what your mother CHOOSES, and that is really none of your business, no matter how much you look after her.
You say she's had bad ones before, and she's probably going to have more.
At some age you are actually more a hindrance than a help, because she falls back on you to scrape her off the ground with each failure.
You, his family - none of you have any rights to tell the ex to um 'get lost' - only your mother does.
As for the smiley face with a halo, that's the way some people think they are being comforting, a baby happy in heaven. I don't like it either, but I don't make a federal case about it, and she doesn't deserve the title evil cow.
You need more of a life of your own now that you are an adult.

I found this rather offensive and the age that I mentioned is that of her new boyfriend and the name I called her she does deserve. She steals from every place she works at she sends her kids to school in tattered and ripped clothing she told her daughter to be like the rest of the girls at her school and has called her a mistake. She also cheated on my step dad when he was with her and she in known for being vindictive and I know her she sent that angel thing to get under my moms skin that is the type of person she is. My mother has told her many times to keep out of it but my dad in the end just let her right back in and I'm 18 for your information.

[joypulv]

You asked for advice and I gave it. Be offended if you wish. We don't know each other so have nothing vested in each other. I stand by my comments. I get it that the evil ex is evil. But the cold hard reality is that he came into your life when you were 15 (by my calculation) and he didn't raise you. You ARE going to be second. That is a totally separate subject from where your mother stands with him. And where she stands with him is her concern and only hers. (I'm just repeating myself.)

[Karlymuse95]

You asked for advice and I gave it. Be offended if you wish. We don't know each other so have nothing vested in each other. I stand by my comments. I get it that the evil ex is evil. But the cold hard reality is that he came into your life when you were 15 (by my calculation) and he didn't raise you. You ARE going to be second. That is a totally separate subject from where your mother stands with him. And where she stands with him is her concern and only hers. (I'm just repeating myself.)

This I don't find offensive at all it was just the fact that it felt like you were sticking up for 'the evile ex' with out really knowing the kind of person she is and yes your calculations are very correct and I agree with you 100% on him not treating me like his own (even though when he got drunk he would say that he felt like I was the only one of his children that was there for him) but I take that as a pinch of salt. I understand fully that it's just her concern but I've kept my mouth shut for three years and I couldn't put up with him shouting in her face making out its her fault, I hope you can understand from my point of view. But all the same the fact you called him childish made my day as I thought it was only me and my mom who had noticed this. Thank you for your answer it's given me a lot to dwell on.

[joypulv]

In your life you will encounter many such people as your step father and his ex - my sister got involved with a horrible lying married man, for example. I very much wanted to make it my 'job' to save her, but she had to do it herself (and she did).
I understood what the evil ex was like from the beginning. What I wanted to get across was that you will drag yourself down trying to protect people and fix situations that aren't yours, and you will be a perpetual crutch for your mother.
He is your mother's problem. His ex is his. Your mother needs to figure out why she makes the choices in men that she makes, after dealing with him - not his ex. If the ex is too much in his life, and he and your mom can't communicate, negotiate, and compromise, then she should dump him. She shouldn't have to work out all the problems with her, just him.
She needs to be here, perhaps.

[Karlymuse95]

In your life you will encounter many such people as your step father and his ex - my sister got involved with a horrible lying married man, for example. I very much wanted to make it my 'job' to save her, but she had to do it herself (and she did).
I understood what the evil ex was like from the beginning. What I wanted to get across was that you will drag yourself down trying to protect people and fix situations that aren't yours, and you will be a perpetual crutch for your mother.
He is your mother's problem. His ex is his. Your mother needs to figure out why she makes the choices in men that she makes, after dealing with him - not his ex. If the ex is too much in his life, and he and your mom can't communicate, negotiate, and compromise, then she should dump him. She shouldn't have to work out all the problems with her, just him.
She needs to be here, perhaps.

Thank you that's really made things more clear for me.

[talaniman]

I have to agree with Joy, the problem is you cannot insulate or save your mom from her own decisions, only she can. You can love and support her through this, but it's a mistake to make her problems yours and I strongly hope you see that and refrain from getting in her business, or between the dysfunctional relationship the adults seem to have.

Maybe tell your mom you love and support her, but gently but firmly encourage her to handle her business better. Don't get caught up in their emotional dramas, even as much as you hate them and their BS. Your moms a big girl, she will figure it out for herself.

[Karlymuse95]

I have to agree with Joy, the problem is you cannot insulate or save your mom from her own decisions, only she can. You can love and support her thru this, but it's a mistake to make her problems yours and I strongly hope you see that and refrain from getting in her business, or between the dysfunctional relationship the adults seem to have.

Maybe tell your mom you love and support her, but gently but firmly encourage her to handle her business better. Don't get caught up in their emotional dramas, even as much as you hate them and their BS. Your moms a big girl, she will figure it out for herself.

Thank you I've recently took a huge step back as much as it goes through me to do so. I know that in the long run that it's for the best. At the end of the day you all have much more experience on life then I do so I trust what you say. Again a big thank you to everyone :)