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Lissieloulou · Jul 24, 2013, 09:43 AM

Hi everyone, just want some advice/tips or would just like to hear your thoughts on this one. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 months and we haven't had sex yet. We started sleeping in the same bed together about 2 weeks into our relationship and when we first started sleeping together he was very cuddly, gave the most amazing kisses and would often touch me up (such as feeling my boobs, bum and fingering me) a few weeks later we were in bed one morning and I was feeling his penis (which had become erect) and he rolled over, pulled off my bottoms and started to insert his penis but after a few seconds he stopped and said the cat put him off as she was sleeping on the bed. He never tried again but still touched me and allowed me to touch him, but then things started to go downhill.

He still kisses me and cuddles me but not passionately and he never feels me up anymore. Whenever I go to touch him down there he takes me hand away. He still gets hard, as I feel it poking me when we are in bed and whenever he's hard I try and encourage him by stroking him and kissing him but he just isn't interested. I've tried everything, such as flashing him and the other night I even took his hand and placed it on my vagina but he took it away. I was really upset and asked him what was wrong but he got upset about it so I stopped.

I eventually got it out of him that he is worried that when we have sex it won't last very long and he's embarrassed about ejaculated quickly. I've explained that he need not worry and I really don't care as I love him and whatever happens I'm sure it will feel amazing but I don't seem to be convincing him. We are going away in a few weeks and he's told me it will happen when we go on holiday, so why can't it happen now? I don't see the difference. I'm really embarrassed as I'm making myself sound desperate!

And I'm now starting to feel really awkward about sleeping in the same bed as him because I have desires that he doesn't have and it feels wrong! (By the way, he is sexually active and has bedded quite a few girls - this also makes me feel worse because I think why I am different? Why can you sleep with them and not me) I just don't know how to help him.

Oliver2011 · Jul 24, 2013, 09:52 AM

"by the way, he is sexually active & has bedded quite a few girls " - Be honest with yourself. If you were not there to witness you don't know if this actually happened or if he was making it up.

It is possible that there is something medical issue that he is embarrassed about or concerned with that he's not communicating to you.

Lissieloulou · Jul 24, 2013, 10:08 AM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

"by the way, he is sexually active & has bedded quite a few girls " - Be honest with yourself. If you were not there to witness you don't know if this actually happened or if he was making it up.

It is possible that there is something medical issue that he is embarrassed about or concerned with that he's not communicating to you.

Thanks for replying. I have actually doubted this to be honest. Im a virgin, I have never slept with anyone else, he is my first & the way that he is acting at the moment you would think I was the experienced one and he the virgin. You may be right, but I do know of previous girl friends & he had also told me recently that not long after he's slept with them they have finished with him & he doesn't want this to happen with us. This confuses me! Because if if it wasn't for the cat, a few months ago it would have happened! & that was in the very early stages of out relationship.

Oliver2011 · Jul 24, 2013, 10:23 AM

I can't imagine the cat had anything to do with it but that is a stranger looking in. There just has to be more to it.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 24, 2013, 10:42 AM

Only he knows why, and there is more problems, than just this, if he is not talking to you about it. So if he can not be honest with you, and unless the two of you can talk about this, there is a serious issues

Lissieloulou · Jul 24, 2013, 10:58 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Only he knows why, and there is more problems, than just this, if he is not talking to you about it. So if he can not be honest with you, and unless the two of you can talk about this, there is a serious issues

I know :/ he reckons he's told me everything & swears its just because he sometimes ejaculates quick & he thinks he's no good in bed because other girls have finished him once a sex life was started. I can't force him to tell me, I can only reassure him that its OK to tell me anything & that we can face any problem. Its so confusing

MelanieRay · Jul 24, 2013, 11:32 AM

I think its very possible that he's telling you the truth. Is he showing you in other ways what a great relationship he is able to give you? Maybe he's insecure about it and what it has cost him in the past. He probably doesn't want to lose you.

smoothy · Jul 24, 2013, 11:51 AM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

I can't imagine the cat had anything to do with it but that is a stranger looking in. There just has to be more to it.

Unless someone's cat licked him on the butt when he was on top? And he can't get that thought out of his head? ;)

Lissieloulou · Jul 24, 2013, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by MelanieRay

I think its very possible that hes telling you the truth. Is he showing you in other ways what a great relationship he is able to give you? Maybe hes insecure about it and what it has cost him in the past. He probably doesnt want to lose you.

Thank you
He tells me he loves me dozens of times a day & we do lots of stuff together & spend a lot of time together and always have a great time. Everything is really lovely apart from the physical side

talaniman · Jul 24, 2013, 01:33 PM

If it's love and not just lust (on your part more than his) then you will wait until he has overcome his reluctance, and not be impatient because YOU are ready. I mean its easy for a virgin to say it doesn't matter if he ejaculates fast, until it's actually happened, and he rolls over, and leaves you frustrated, and unfulfilled. And neither of you knows what to do about it, or can even how to talk about it.

You are so distracted you are making this about YOU and your NEED to have sex, that you haven't heard a word he has said, and in so doing this has become not a honeymoon period but a HUGE issue to deal with through honest communications. You really do need a better strategy to communicate to him than it's okay, it will be fine.

He has probably been down that road before and it didn't work. Why should he believe it will be okay this time?

Lissieloulou · Jul 25, 2013, 11:09 AM

I guess you are right & I do kind of come across as selfish. But all I want to do is be able to help him over come it & his embarressment about talking about it isn't getting us anywhere.
I don't mean to be selfish, I'm not a selfish person & I have helped him in so many other ways. He hasn't been the easiest person to put up with & he has lied to me & hurt me before but I love him with all my heart & want to help him but he won't let me in. put yourself in my shoes... he bragged to me at the start of our relationship that he had slept with approximately 16 girls... yet he won't have sex with me. How would that make you feel.

Oliver2011 · Jul 25, 2013, 11:18 AM

"he bragged to me at the start of our relationship that he had slept with approximately 16 girls..." Time to wake up. Those that have to brag about it have some reason why they have to brag about it. Like maybe it isn't true.

talaniman · Jul 25, 2013, 11:31 AM

Relax, control yourself and learn the language. Establish communications and trust, and a comfort zone to talk, and listen. Don't be a pushy virgin who is ready to have her cherry popped and can't understand why its taking so long. As a guy you seem a bit to eager to make things the way you want. You have no sexual experience but want to fix him and his life? That's not even credible despite your enthusiasm.

Cool, calm, collected and in control, while you pay attention and listen and learn. Too much, too fast, crash and burn!!!!!!

Lissieloulou · Jul 25, 2013, 12:33 PM

Just because I haven't fully had intercourse doesn't mean I can't help him.

CravenMorhead · Jul 29, 2013, 07:40 AM

Hi. I am going to take a different approach here.

First off, how is the rest of your relationship going. I know you're sleeping together and in the most true sense of that phrase, but how are things outside of the bedroom? How old are you two? What are you using for protection, if anything?

If he's been with at least 16 women, which I would believe about half that, then there is a risk that he could have contracted a STI in that time. Have you both been tested? Yes you too.

Keep in mind that this relationship is about 5-6 months old at this point. You're still in the early stages of it. Approximately in the "I wonder if I can live with this person for the rest of my life?" and in the "Is this person suitable to carry on my genetic legacy?" stages. It could be that he's not liking what he is seeing, which if this is the case has NOTHING to do with you. Could be that he is a premature ejaculator which might be the reason that he's been with 16 women, because after a few months that is a hard problem not to ignore.

The Ailurophobia is just a front really. Now really is the crucible of your relationship. Is this worth it going forward? The fact that you have a hard time teasing any sort of information out of him? The fact that you're bending over backward for him and he isn't budging. I think a good bit of inner contemplation is required. Go forward or move on.

Good luck.

greentree30 · Jul 30, 2013, 01:42 AM

I bet he is telling the truth. I once dated a guy who ejaculated very quickly, like 30 seconds or less (premature ejaculation). He probably had some insecurities about it but he never brought it up, so neither did I. But I didn't need bring it up because it didn't bother me at all. I enjoyed being with him. We never had sex though, only fooled around. I suppose if we were having sex it might eventually bother me because sex would be so short. But then, if he made sure to pleasure me in a different way before or after sex, then I'd be happy.

So why not tell him you don't care if he ejaculates quickly, you'll still enjoy it. And if he's willing to continue to pleasure you in other ways, you'll be happy.

But I do think you shouldn't jump to sex yet. He needs to be comfortable with fooling around first. I mean he won't even let you touch him right now! He needs to just let himself ejaculate quickly with you and get it over with! Once he sees you enjoy pleasuring him no matter how fast he ejaculates, he'll be comfortable to let you do it more and more.

Keep in mind sex isn't the only way to be intimate. About 75% of women don't orgasm from sex anyway. He can get you off in other ways.

JudyKayTee · Jul 30, 2013, 07:19 AM

"he bragged to me at the start of our relationship that he had slept with approximately 16 girls...yet he won't have sex with me. How would that make you feel."

It would make me worry about disease; it would make me wonder why he was bragging; it would make me feel like another notch on his belt.

And that's just for starters.

I think he's bragging about his sexual partners to reassure himself, not to let you know.

greentree30 · Jul 30, 2013, 02:20 PM

Funny, the guy I dated who was a premature ejaculator was an extreme bragger too! Not about his past sex life but about EVERYTHING else. At the time I just thought he was the coolest thing (hey I was young). Lol He ended up being a jerk. The only thing we had going for us was really great chemistry, but that couldn't change the fact that he was an a**. Lesson learned! I went back to dating my type (sweet dorky guys). Now I'm married to the sweetest dorky guy. :-)

I agree with Judy he is bragging about those sexual partners to make himself feel better. Either way you should both get tested. That is A lot of experience for someone so young. (You sound about 18 or at the oldest early 20's?)

This is just a guess but my first thought was he slept with other girls because he wasn't that into them. Or it was very casual (they left him really early on so there was never a chance for things to get serious). But now that he really likes someone he doesn't want to screw it up. That's why he keeps putting off the sexual stuff.

Lissieloulou · Aug 23, 2013, 08:59 AM

Hi everyone.

Just thought id let you all know that me & my boyfriend went away for 2 nights this week & we had sex. 3 times lol. I now realise why he was so embarrassed about doing it as he only lasts for 1 min, but I still enjoyed it & want to keep his confidence boosted

N0help4u · Aug 23, 2013, 09:11 AM

Everyone has made some points I would make. Talaniman is spot on. Cat distraction is simply an easy out. The more you push him the more insecure you make him feel about if he will be able to please you in bed.