[Andreabee]

About 2 and half months ago the love of my life committed suicide. My boyfriend 24 years old was like my shadow. We had been together almost every single day for the 1 year we were in a relationship. I had been told he had cheated on me and when I asked he would deny it. A few times I tried to discuss it, sometimes I would say "whatever.. just be completely honest with me and without any consequences I will be able to forgive you and begin to trust you!". He still denied ever cheating on me and this would frustrate me because it was obvious after something came positive in a medical test.

This could have been possible early in the relationship when his ex girlfriend (mother of his firstborn) was living with his parents. It all adds up. I also suspected 3 other incidents that I let go of for the sake of trust. A week before he died I tried very hard to resolve everything peacefully. It resulted with half a front tooth being knocked out. I forgave him but we still had problems. I had had enough of trying so I said "I'm leaving you, I love you but I want both of us to be happy!". He told me he couldn't live without me, begged me to stay, told me he loves me. As I was leaving he tried hanging himself incidents of his family. They were there for him, they saved him. I knew his family did not like me or did not want me around, so this gave me even more reason to leave, so I grabbed everything a did so.

Later that day he called and called but I ignored the phone. Inside I missed him and wanted to answer but was angry. I answered the last call 4 hours later. He was very upset. I asked where his family was, he told me they had gone to his sisters birthday dinner and he stayed home with his dad who was asleep. He told me he loves me, and he asked if I love him too, I said yes. Then I said I used to. The phone just went quiet. But I lied. I love him till this day and on. Well I tried hanging up and calling back, no answer. Finally his father answers " Are you happy now you mole ? He's dead, and hung up. I was in disbelief. I went to the police who had confirmed it was true. I still did not want to believe this. I can't describe the pain and panic. I was cut off until the funeral. I dressed him with his family and ex girlfriend. They took my photos because they had no recent ones.

Sometimes I think I had been used and abused. After the funeral the father was trying to become close to me when one night he wanted me to lie with him. I refused but he was adamant about with what he wanted. He then had sex with me when I said no but I was scared, so I didn't touch him or push him off. Instead I threw up. The fathers family had suspected what was happening, which happened 2 other occasions. I was so lost and confused at why this was happening to me and how would it stop when this man was also suicidal and I felt responsible for one life already, I had to save another.

The only option I had was to run. My family ran away with me. I was overthinking and guilt was eating me away, and I felt I didn't deserve life, so I took 50 sleeping anti depressants called endep. I thought I'd die for sure but I was so upset when I woke up in a hospital alive. I was admitted to a psych ward for help. The hospital blood tests you every so often and they had found I was pregnant. I was happy. It was a gift from god. But who could this baby belong to?

Either way I'm a mother with unconditional love for MY child who gave me reason to live. I told my boyfriends family with hope the baby was my boyfriends with something good I could give back to this family, but I'm now running the risk of a huge lie. I don't want to hurt them more than they have already been hurt. What have I done? What do I do? I feel I may not be able to live with what has been done. After the baby is born it may need to go to a better home or am I worthy of being a mother?

[JudyKayTee]

You need to consult with a professional therapist or counselor - there are far too many concerns and issues to be addressed, in my opinion, by strangers who are simply guessing.

Only you know whether you can appropriately parent your child - emotionally, financially.

I am sorry for your loss - your boyfriend did not kill himself because of you and someone needs to work through that with you.

[joypulv]

He killed himself because of his father. A father who gets his dead son's girlfriend into bed is sick, so is the father of a son who was totally screwed up before you met him.
I know it may take a very long time to realize that and you may never let go of all the guilt, but can you see the family dynamic?

[Oliver2011]

You need to start by allowing better people in your life. Life is way too short for all this drama. Make it a goal to live drama free and see what a difference it makes. Be honest with yourself and that is accepting you can't undo what has been done. So you have to move on.

[Andreabee]

Thank you both. An opinion from a total strangers perspective can sometimes seem the most honest, rather than family or a professional who is obligated to help. I appreciate your comments.

[talaniman]

Separate yourself from his family completely and forever because they did nothing to help a son they knew was badly flawed and blamed you for their lack of healthy action, and you owe them NOTHING!!

Surround yourself with loving, healthy, support and raise your child with love yourself, and shed this guilt from this very bad traumatic experience. If you need help to overcome this, please get it.

[JudyKayTee]

I just reread this - is the question whether the boyfriend or the boyfriend's father is the father of the child?

[Andreabee]

Lots of questions but the main question is. How do I live with this and what do I say to his family when I don't know who the father is ? Thank you for your answers.

And no whoever the father is could only be answerd by a dna test or the appearance when my child is born.

[JudyKayTee]

You cannot tell paternity by appearance. DNA is the only 100% reliable test.

I still think you should talk to a professional counselor.

[jeep2005]

HOLD ON THERE! Your fault? Really? What makes you think you are so important you can cause someone to commit suicide? Your friend had a lot of emotional and mental issues way before he met you.

My sister killed herself at 17. I found her after 4 days (ugh). I first blamed myself for not being there. However, after soul searching and talking with everyone who knew her - it boiled down to my parents not truly being there for her! Family life and emotional abuse (parents never admit this) - is deadly.

Today more than any generation - parents lack in their duties - especially with teens. They trust too much, put their head in the sand, denial, doesn't go with their gut feeling. Parents say "I LOVE MY CHILD" - yet, you don't tell them everyday, no hugs or kisses or verbalization. How may parents make time for their teenagers? Friends aren't parents etc. Not all parents of course, but the news give examples every day of "where were the parents"?

Parenting starts at birth - and issues crop up during the life of any child. Your friend had issues as I said long before you. Suicide is a cowards way out however, I do understand it. If you believe in Jesus and raised as a Christian person, you believe life with Jesus is the ultimate - and people feel that it is time to be happy - their problems are too overwhelming and never had anyone to really confide in - not even you or his parents.

Seems Harsh- it is reality. Question to you, why do you think there are so many gangs - bad or good, they are a group of people who don't feel they have an understanding family atmosphere and parents aren't there. They want to be loved and accepted and feel safe at home - parents turn a blind eye and in denial - so gangs (family) is better than nothing. Drug overdoses, homelessness with teenagers, drinking, addicts are the result of believing you don't have a family or anyone who cares!

See a therapist, priest or trusted ADULT - it doesn't seem possible right now, you need to believe this will pass. Remember the great times you had, events you shared and special moments.

People are in our lives for a second, minute, months, years or lifetimes and they in some small way enhance our lives. Maybe a smile, a hug, a nice remark, buying us lunch or just listening. Think about it. Your life was improved with know this young man and keep those memories.

Grandma

[Andreabee]

Thanks jeep. The reason I feel resposible is because he warned me he could not live without me.. And my friend was my boyfriend the love of my life.. a friend who proposed in front of my family... I am a christian and I believe in resurection after armagedon.. And I do believe my boyfriend will be resurected being a believer but imperfect human.. if I am worthy of paradise there will be a situation when my boyfriend finds I have had a child to his father if that's the case I'm not quiet sure if that could be forgiven even though this was none of my intetion but if he remebers how I forgave him in the past. That's my hope.

[JudyKayTee]

"My sister killed herself at 17. I found her after 4 days (ugh). I first blamed myself for not being there. However, after soul searching and talking with everyone who knew her - it boiled down to my parents not truly being there for her! Family life and emotional abuse (parents never admit this) - is deadly."

Has placing the blame squarely on your parents helped you through the grieving process? Has it helped them?

[joypulv]

'The reason I feel resposible is because he warned me he could not live without me'

I truly understand FEELING responsible, but I also KNOW that you aren't. Warnings? Threats and demands, you mean. Yes he could live without you. He couldn't live with himself, but he didn't know what that meant, so he needed someone to hang it on. Sort of like death by cop.
We aren't beholden to each other as adults in relationships.
My first husband committed suicide in the 60s after I left him. But there was a lot more to the story that was even more tragic. I never 'got over' it, whatever that means. We never get over tragedy even if we go weeks without thinking about it eventually. We live with it, it becomes who we become next. A different person.

Now you have a baby to think about. You can plan your next several months around staying healthy and hopefully not too stressed. You can make a decision about the future of the child. You have a lot to do, and I wish you the best.

[Andreabee]

I have not blamed anyone but myself.. MY parents esspecially my mother has been my main source of support. Neither do I blame my boyfriends parents.. Im the one who left? Btw jeep how in hell would a person feel important when they feel responsible for another persons life? If anything I feel like . Thanks for everyone's honesty but if you are trying to help please read carefully before you submit your opinion.

Has placing the blame squarely on your parents helped you through the grieving process? Has it helped them?

I need help not false accusations.

Thank you joypolv. I agree with that.

[joypulv]

I need help not false accusations.

Andreabee, that was in response to what jeep said about her sister.

[Cat1864]

I have not blamed anyone but myself.. MY parents esspecially my mother has been my main source of support. Neither do i blame my boyfriends parents.. Im the one who left? Btw jeep how in hell would a person feel important when they feel responsible for another persons life? If anything i feel like . thanks for everyones honesty but if you are trying to help please read carefully before you submit your opinion.

Andrea, Judy was responding to Jeep/Grandma. She was not accusing you of anything. It is a misunderstanding.

I agree that you should not blame yourself. He made his choice. Anything after that can be attributed to grief making you vulnerable.

Now you need to make decisions for yourself and your child. Time to decide to live for the future. From what I have read, I think once you can get into some counseling to deal with the trauma that you will realize that you will be a good mother and you will love and treasure your child as part of yourself and for the unique individual he/she will be.

You are going to have doubts. I don't think there is mother who hasn't. But have patience with yourself and take care. You will be okay. You also now have a site where you can ask questions and get advice for just about anything including legal and pregnancy questions. Don't be afraid to ask.

[JudyKayTee]

"I need help not false accusations"

Didn't you read what I posted? I was not addressing you. I felt "Jeep" addressed you in a very rude fashion. I can't believe you thanked her for her "advice"... thanked her and criticized me?

Please re-read I posted from the very beginning.

[Oliver2011]

I felt "Jeep" addressed you in a very rude fashion. .

I totally agree!

[JudyKayTee]

I have to wonder why people with problems, serious problems, come on AMHD and then don't bother to read the answers.

At any rate - if the father of your boyfriend did force himself on you, not once but several times, why haven't you gone to the Police? He is probably doing the same thing to someone else. Why do you even care what the father and the rest of the family thinks?

I don't know if you're so upset that you can't make heads or tails of the situation or if something else is going on.

What Country are you in? Why did your family have to flee with you to get away from his family?

[Andreabee]

Sorry Judykaytee I didn't relise who your comment was for but Thank you for your help I do appreciate it.