[Kev-Cali]

My girlfriend (29) and I (33) currently live together and have been in a relationship for about a year and a half. We had plans for the future and everything...

Last night I overheard a conversation (that I wasn't supposed to hear) and I found out that she had cheated on me when she left town 2 weeks ago to go home for a few days after an argument we had. Apparently her friend took her out to a bar and she got drunk then it happened that night (only, as far as I know!). I knew this guy, she keeps saying is her good friend from childhood, has been texting her but she had been erasing texts and lying to me over the past 2 weeks and never admitted what she did, just been hiding it not expecting me to ever find out.

I already knew I can't trust her when she drinks, she is a lightweight when it comes to alcohol and it completely changes her when she is drunk to the point of losing control. I had faith that we could fix that issue and that she only drinks when we are together but in a situation like this I had no control and she got taken advantage of.

I confronted her immediately by telling her I heard what she did and left for the night and now she is with her family for support. Later texted the family that I will be moving out in the day or 2. Now things are settling a bit more and I don't feel like I should rush moving out. I haven't even heard from her yet. Don't know if she regrets her actions or anything. This is our apartment we signed the lease together and I will leave gradually if that's what is right. Just confused right now and don't know If I should even consider re-conciliating.

I know I can trust her sober, but not with alcohol and I feel like it will always be that way, unfortunately, she just loses total control. It was my decision to stick with it and have faith that it could work.

This never happened to me before where a girl cheated on me, as far as I am aware. It's a real tough feeling.

What would be best at this point? Thanks
Kev

[N0help4u]

Her solution seems to be run to family, state you are moving. If she wanted to work things out she would have States and resolved with you like the relationship meant something. About the léase ask the landlord and ser what they say about someone breaking the lease. Then tale it from there.

[teacherjenn4]

If she can't be trusted, then it's your choice:stay with a cheater and wonder when it will happen again, or move on. I'm not sure how long you have left on the lease, but you both are responsible for paying it. Can you afford to pay the rent on your own?

[Kev-Cali]

"Her solution seems to be run to family, state you are moving."
Exactly.

I don't mind paying my share of the least for the remaining 3-4 months if it comes to it.

[N0help4u]

Grrr, my cell spell checked and messed some of what I typed bit I think you for the idea

[Caba35]

Hey dude... Feel for you this sucks...

In all honesty I'd want to know why she put herself in that situation... What worries me the most is that she didn't lean on you for support. Why is she going to another dude and asking making herself vulnerable to him?

The adage once a cheater always a cheater is only true if both parties don't change and adapt... You can use this to make your relationship stronger than it ever was but both of you are going to need to communicate.

Best wishes.

[talaniman]

Drunks and addicts are unreliable partners and should NEVER, EVER be trusted. I would give her PLENTY of time and space to get her act together, and move forward with my own life. Let her invest and commit to her own issues, and wish her luck, with no investment from YOU at all.

Consider yourself warned. Its really simple here my friend, Its her battle and its with herself. Let her fight it.

[Kev-Cali]

Thank you, Talaniman. Will do

[Kev-Cali]

Thanks Bluefoo, all those things you mentioned are great, she does them all and it's especially amazing with her. However, I still feel , as most surely do, that trust is perhaps the most important factor that a relationship is based on. Cheating, lying, hiding things, all break that trust and I don't see how there can be a relationship when there's no trust. I did all I could to strengthen that trust and I may say that I was for sure 100% faithful and gave my all. But I just can't live my life concerned that when I'm not there, or when she's out and about she may be cheating on me, then lying to me when I see her.

I definitely don't agree its okay to cheat, and "cheating every once in a while" is out of the question too. I really don't see anything much worse than that frankly, that's just me maybe.

Not to mention she never said anything but "so are you moving out or should I?" , since the day I found out.

[donnasley]

It sounds like your GF isn't ready for commitment nor does she seem to value your honesty and faithfulness. She still likes to drink and doesn't care about what happens if she loses control or even "blacks out". If she drinks like that when she is in a relationship with you then it proves that she doesn't want to change for the better of you both. If I was you I'd just break up with her and not think about what you may have been in the future. She sounds immature and I don't think that anything can make her mature enough for serious commitment overnight.

I'm not sure what she explained to you after you found out the terrible news, but "I was drunk" isn't an explanation. Sounds like she didn't even come forward to apologize to try to make you understand her faultiness... If anything, she needs to come talk to you, and then do take your time and consider if what she said is really sincere and honest. Remember that she may need therapy to get over her problem(s).

I cannot ever imagine cheating on my husband, but as far as I know if the woman really felt like it was an unfortunate and exceptional incident, she would come to you before you find out and tell you that she did something very wrong and ask for your forgiveness. That would prove that she really cares about you. In this case she apparently didn't and you shouldn't have had to find out the way you did. That's just wrong. You have the right to be mad, cheating is probably the biggest no-no of any relationship.

I know how hard this must be for you , but don't take it out on yourself. You sound like a great guy and if you can't work things out, I have no doubt that you'll find a great woman who deserves you in no time.

take care and best wishes.

[JudyKayTee]

I'd be more concerned about irresponsible decisions when drinking and continuing to drink than I would about the cheating.

It's easy to say "I did this or that because I was drinking." She is looking for excuses.

And I could not accept the lying that goes with the cheating.

Your last thread spoke about karma (in which you apparently believe). Is this karma? Have you ever considered counseling for you, for your peace of mind? This sounds like two rather dreadful relationships in a short period. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ts-317719.html

[Kev-Cali]

I agree, and the drinking and irresponsible decisions would definitely remain the primary concern. And of course, as far as the cheating is concerned, what is done is done, and as I have never experienced this before I don't know how that act itself would affect me in the long run, if I could get over it, if I'd be having it on my mind forever or whatnot.

Karma? It could be. Who knows. What I do know is that I've matured and learned a lot since past relationships and am now thankful that all that has happened to me as I have become a better and stronger person. . I also know that I have a good heart which is pure and clean and I'll be fine without counseling. My belief remains that things happen for a reason. It's all love.

[0rphan]

You say you can trust her sober,in other words she would never have done this had she been so.
Well if you think that there is something worth fighting for then do it on your terms.Tell her she must give up the achohol... go to councilling or what ever it takes to keep her sober.Tell her you will stand by her and support her as much as possible but she has to make the first move e.g.. phone the appropriate clinic,support group etc.. etc.. You will only be there for her on those terms.

If she agrees to this then great if not then you will have had a lucky escape,obviously your relationship was never what you thought it was... you must move on.

[mirandalynn1232]

Kev don't settle for that. You need someone who will love you. You simply don't cheat on someone you love. That's black and white no grey areas