[vikzeb]

My fiancés ex is trying way to hard to be super friendly with ME. I know she says things to their daughter about me because her daughter had told me. Yet this woman calls me to ask boyfriend advice and calls to make small talk. We're all in our 40s and I have children as well. But I've never been in this situation. She is basically mean and manipulative with my fiancé - her ex so I'm not understanding why she wants to be so friendly with me. And- she always has to throw something in the conversation about things she can't stand about my fiancé when they were married. I am polite and courteous to her but really I feel like she's a snake ready to attack. She likes to be the victim so I feel like she's trying to piss me off so she can be victimized by me.

[Jake2008]

Please don't involve your step-daughter, even by listening to second hand information coming from her mom. Just politely tell her that it's far more important that her father and mother talk to each other, and not through you, via her.

As to you being a victim of whatever you might imagine the ex is up to, I have to ask you why you haven't yet established some boundaries with her. There is no rule book that says you need to be her buddy, listen to her woes about men, and particularly listen to what a rotten husband your (now) husband is.

When she calls, and starts to stray into territory you are uncomfortable with, change the subject, or make an excuse to get off the phone. Keep cordial and focus on conversations with her that are necessary because of the child. Everything else is off limits.

It sounds like you are setting yourself up for grief. And you don't need to, if you put a few simple boundaries in place.

It will take the heat off you, cut off any intention the ex has to sour your relationship with her ex, and get the child off the hook for being a messenger, which is a terrible position to put her in.

Good luck.

[JudyKayTee]

I am a times 5 stepmom and "Jake" hit it right on the head. Stay out of the father/daughter/mother relationship. You can't win and it's truly not your business.

I wouldn't ask, I wouldn't answer. I would listen and defer.

[Robert Brenner]

Dearest too friendly, sounds like a NO WIN situation. There is no win so just don't play. If you allow something 3 times then you have agreed to it. You have made an agreement with her that you will participate. If you FEEL she is a snake then she probably is.