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starrynightz45 · Jun 19, 2013, 12:31 AM

I met this guy at grad school a year ago. We were friends only, until he asked for my number this May. On our 2nd date, he asked if I was just dating casually, or looking for a relationship. I said I was a relationship type of person. He said "yea, I just take a little while to get there and make up my mind about that sort of thing." I said I understood, and that we should go out and get to know one another because it was too early anyway. At that point, I THOUGHT he meant he took a while to decide whether he wanted a relationship with ME, but I guess he really meant it took him a while to decide whether he wanted a relationship IN GENERAL with anyone. Anyway..

We've been on a total of 5 dates now, which I thought all went well. We laughed/joked the entire time, had great conversation, and seemed to hit it off. He came off as a gentleman, and there was no sex involved - just making out/kissing etc. We talked/texted daily.

Today, he called me and said he wanted to talk to me. He said "I told you I needed some time to think about it. Well, I feel like if we keep going as we are, that what you want is a relationship and I don't know if I can commit to anything. I DO like you as more than a friend, and I really enjoying spending time with you, and I got you a birthday present (I had mentioned that my birthday was in 2 MONTHS), but I don't want to be selfish by leading you on."

Do you think this was just a nice way of saying "I don't want a relationship with YOU" or did he really mean that while he does like me, he doesn't want a relationship? Note: We're both 24. I'm just curious - it's hard for me to understand because we had such a good time together, he bought me a gift 2 months early, called/texted every single day, and overall things were good.

dontknownuthin · Jun 19, 2013, 05:30 AM

He wants a sexual relationship but before he pursues it he is laying the groundwork so he does not have to be accountable. I never get this "I'm not ready for a relationship" crap from people who are dating.

As I see it, if you date someone regularly and make out, etc. it's a relationship. The thing is, if it's not exclusive, if the parties aren't honestly ordered toward finding their one-day spouse; if they don't want to be accountable for being available, dependable, respectful if the other person's feelings or exclusive, it's not a good deal. What they mean is really that they want to be a crappy and selfish partner in a relationship where you are more committed than they are.

People who are considerate and "not ready" for a relationship simply don't date! He's shown you his character and it's immature... move on. No more dates, no kissing, no hanging out "as friends".

Oliver2011 · Jun 19, 2013, 05:40 AM

As a Takes Forever to Decide on a Relationship person myself, it sounds like he was being honest. We non-relationship type people are like that. I dated my current partner for 2.5 years I think before I decided to go exclusive. So that was pretty long.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 19, 2013, 06:39 AM

Regardless of what he means, he does not want a committed relationship with you. He just wants to hang out occasionally, maybe have a sexual relationship but keep his options open. He wants to date around. Before you invest anymore time and emotions on this guy, tell him you understand and then move on.

Cat1864 · Jun 19, 2013, 06:53 AM

Are both of you still in grad school or are you now trying to become established in your careers?

Only he can tell you what is going on in his mind. I can speculate, but it comes with a huge disclaimer. This is very general and subject to change as more details are given.

If you are both starting, he may not want to add the pressure of trying to keep up with a 'boyfriend'/'girlfriend' relationship. 'Relationships' generally have an expectation of both parties making time to be together. Requests for time, behavior changes, etc. have a lot more impact. There is an understanding that the couple will include each other when making life changing decisions.

'Dating' generally is less formal and less pressure. You get together when you can and there aren't any expectations for being together when you aren't at work or taking care of personal chores. It can happen, but it isn't expected. If a job comes up across the country, there is less concern about whether to stay together and try to make long distance work or to give up and move on.

It sounds like he is trying to be honest and isn't at a point in his life where he wants a full commitment. What do you want? Are you okay with casual dating and no strings? Can you be friends with him and just hang out?

dontknownuthin · Jun 19, 2013, 03:43 PM

There is no good time to start a relationship if you are an adult if it requires you to clear your responsibilities to be someone's everything. We are all either pursuing an education, working at establishing/maintaining a career, or whatever the case might be so the question is whether you connect enough that both you and the other person care to make it work. I know medical residents, law students who work too as clerks in big city firms, and single parents who are in committed relationships with the hope of marriage.

People choose to make relationships complicated. But the expectation is goofy. Will they not have children because they also work? Not have friends because their ill mother has needs? The pressures on our time don't suddenly stop - we just choose whether to include others or not in our lives.

When someone is right for you and you are right for them, you will both make it a priority to make things work. If someone doesn't want to early, they aren't likely to want you more later.

talaniman · Jun 19, 2013, 05:54 PM

I have no doubt he is having a good time too, but it would be a shame to fall in love so soon and deeply with someone after 5 dates??

I advise caution, and keep it real, because he isn't in a hurry it seems so why should you be? Forget the next level for now, have fun and see if this gets to the mutually agreed on exclusive level. And its too soon for that in my opinion.

At least let the dust from the lust settle down and then see where your at. 5 dates?? You don't have a clue what he is really about, he is just a comfortable stranger, and that's it!! Just have fun and date and get to know each other, and see if you both can talk honestly.

He has told you straight up lets just keep dating. Pay attention though.

Talaniman Rule - Never give your heart to a stranger that hasn't proved they knows what to do with it, or deserves it.

You have a long way to go so don't rush it because it going so great right now. All attractions start great but how long they stay that way is a different matter entirely.

PS. Don't even think that "one thing leading to another" is a sign of love. OOPS is not love, and neither is "it seemed so right".

starrynightz45 · Jun 19, 2013, 10:18 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I have no doubt he is having a good time too, but it would be a shame to fall in love so soon and deeply with someone after 5 dates???????????

I advise caution, and keep it real, because he isn't in a hurry it seems so why should you be? Forget the next level for now, have fun and see if this gets to the mutually agreed on exclusive level. And its too soon for that in my opinion.

At least let the dust from the lust settle down and then see where your at. 5 dates??????????? You don't have a clue what he is really about, he is just a comfortable stranger, and that's it!!!!!!!!! Just have fun and date and get to know each other, and see if you both can talk honestly.

He has told you straight up lets just keep dating. Pay attention though.

Talaniman Rule - Never give your heart to a stranger that hasn't proved they knows what to do with it, or deserves it.

You have a long way to go so don't rush it because it going so great right now. All attractions start great but how long they stay that way is a different matter entirely.

PS. Don't even think that "one thing leading to another" is a sign of love. OOPS is not love, and neither is "it seemed so right".

Oh I am not in love! Not at all! I was just enjoying how things were going. And I NEVER brought up the issue of being in a relationship. HE did. And he was the one who called and said he wasn't willing to commit to anything. I never asked. I was in no rush and wasn't thinking about it yet because I didn't know him well enough. He cut things off because I assume he got scared.

DeepDark · Jun 19, 2013, 11:04 PM

It sounds like he meant what he said; he likes you as more than a friend and isn't ready to commit and call it a relationship. If he could say that, he could just as easily have said he didn't think you should see each other. Nor would he have gotten a birthday present for two months in the future. He is being honest; he likes you but doesn't want to seem to be making promises. If you need a relationship right now, you will need to look elsewhere. But if you enjoy his company and can do without promises, keep seeing him. While you are getting to know him better, you are also getting to know yourself. What do you like about him that you would like to find in the future? What do you not like about him that you would want to avoid in the future?

talaniman · Jun 20, 2013, 05:33 AM

I wouldn't chase a person who wasn't interested in what you want. You had fun with him, you will have more fun with another. He doesn't have to be scared of commitment but he doesn't want it and may well have other options and opportunities with less risks.

There are many who enjoy casual dating and friends with benefits for whatever reason.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 20, 2013, 06:05 AM

Dating is just that, finding out what the other person wants, and if that matches what you want.

The issue here is, you need to talk with him and ask him what he means, to see if you understand, also, it has only been a limited amount of dates, so not sure he would know what he wants yet

starrynightz45 · Jun 21, 2013, 01:22 AM

I met a guy at grad school a year ago (we’re both 24). We were friends until he asked for my number this May. On our 2nd date, he asked if I was dating casually, or looking for a relationship. I said I was a relationship type of person. He said “yea, I just take a little while to get there & make up my mind about that sort of thing.” I said I understood, and that we should go out and get to know one another because it was too early anyway. At that point, I *THOUGHT* he meant that he took a little time to make up his mind about wanting a relationship with a specific PERSON, rather than time to make up his mind about whether he wants a relationship in general, so I thought it sounded fine.

We’ve been on a total of 5 dates now, which I thought all went well. We laughed/joked the entire time, had great conversation, and seemed to hit it off. He came off as a gentleman, and there was no sex involved – just making out/kissing etc. We talked/texted daily.

On our 2nd date, he told me that he’s only had 1 girlfriend, and that it only lasted 3 months – he called this a “serious relationship.” While I thought it was strange that he thought a 3 month relationship was serious, I didn’t say anything. He said serious relationships are “scary” and he feels like “it’s one of those things you want when you don’t have it, but when you have it you wish you didn’t.” Later, he invited me over to his house. He promised that his intentions weren’t for sex, and that he just thought it would be nice to stay in, but that if I was uncomfortable we could do something else. I trusted him and went over – he had candles out on the table and we had dinner, cuddled, and watched movies. He made no attempt at anything beyond kissing/cuddling, & kept asking if I was comfortable.

4th date: Things got strange. On Tuesday, he told me he was bored. When I said we should do something, he told me he was actually making dinner and hadn’t showered, but that we should do something Fri/Sat. I said sure. On Fri by 5pm, he still hadn’t mentioned anything about going out, even though we talked every day. I finally brought it up, and he seemed to have forgotten about it because he said “Oh..umm..well are you doing anything tomorrow?” I was a little upset at this, so I told him I already had plans for the weekend. He told me we could do something on Tuesday or the following weekend “since we had been seeing each other pretty regularly.” I decided to let it slide and not overreact.

He called Sunday & asked if I was free Tuesday and/or Saturday. I said I was free Tues, and had no plans for Saturday yet since it was so early. We arranged plans for Tuesday, and he said “we’d see about Saturday.” Tuesday was another great date.

5th date: On Thursday, he texted me saying he would let me know if we’d be able to go out on Saturday. Apparently, two of his friends, who were unable to make it to his art show that Friday, had told him they would take him out Saturday to make it up to him, but he told me they were kind of flaky. I said that was fine. On Friday, he asked if I was still free Saturday, and I said yes. On the phone, he said “So did you want to go out on Saturday to see movie or you want to leave it for another day?” Unsure how to respond, I said either way was fine for me – that I didn’t have plans YET for Saturday, but that if he was busy I would be able to make plans for Saturday and we’d do something another time. He said he had no other plans, and we agreed to go out. His communication style is a bit weird at times.

On our 5th date, he was asking about my friends, and I mentioned that my best friend got married 2 months ago, and the couple just bought a home, and that my friend works night shifts. He said “Wow, that’s quite a miserable life at 24 – night shifts and marriage??” I laughed and didn’t think much of it. Later, he mentioned that he never maintains friendships with females because, jokingly, “you can’t talk to them about sports,” and he told me there was no point for me to have male friends because ” you can’t talk to them about sex and the city.” He was joking of course, so I joked back saying “Well I could talk to you about it, I’m sure you’d love to hear it.”

He laughed and said “well if you were my….you know..my girlf…umm you know, then yea, you could.” He couldn’t even say the words “girlfriend!!.” Since it was still early, his hesitation didn’t really bother me. From my perspective at least, this date was probably the best of any we had – we were both laughing and having a great time. Conversation flowed naturally, He put his arm around me, reached for my hand a few times when we were walking, and held my hand in the theater, or put his hand on my knee. I had no indication that anything was wrong even though I was still feeling that he hadn’t seemed as eager to go out as I did when we talked on the phone.
Two days later, he called & said “I told you I needed time to think. Well, I feel like if we keep going as we are, that I’d be getting what I want, but won’t be able to give you what you want, which is a relationship, and I don’t know if I can commit to anything. You may feel that I have wronged you…”. I said I just wish he had told me earlier, but that it was fine. He then said:
“I needed time to think. I DO like you as more than a friend, and I will always….(trailed off, paused, then started a new sentence, not sure what he was going to say there). And I really enjoying spending time with you, and I got you a birthday present (I had mentioned that my birthday was in 2 MONTHS), but I don’t want to be selfish by leading you on. I hope you’ll come to my art show on Saturday though.” We haven’t texted or called one another since then, and it’s been 3 days. I know he is not looking for a FWB thing with ME, because he knows 100% that I’m not open to it.

Do u think this was a nice way of saying “I don’t want a relationship with YOU” or did he really mean that while he does like me, he doesn’t want a relationship? Is this really a case of comittment issues? My gut tells me he’s genuine, and just really has a fear of having a girlfriend. But could be it that he just wasn’t into me? Opinions?

J_9 · Jun 21, 2013, 01:26 AM

Threads merged

talaniman · Jun 21, 2013, 05:27 AM

If a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, then take him at his word and don't assume or speculate what he means between YOU, or anybody. It's probably everybody he dates. He is comfortable with casual dating so don't get your hopes up, or go to far into this you cannot retreat.

Probably makes him more attractive but beware and don't get comfortable because such fellows seldom change their minds.

JudyKayTee · Jun 21, 2013, 08:32 AM

In this context, what does "making out" mean - and there was no sex involved – just making out/kissing etc." I've seen it mean oral sex, just not vaginal sex.

I have learned to believe what people tell me. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, can't handle a relationship, something else, likes you like a friend, more than a friend, I would believe him.

Now the question is what you want to do now that you know his feelings.

talaniman · Jun 21, 2013, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

In this context, what does "making out" mean - and there was no sex involved – just making out/kissing etc." I've seen it mean oral sex, just not vaginal sex.

I have learned to believe what people tell me. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, can't handle a relationship, something else, likes you like a friend, more than a friend, I would believe him.

Now the question is what you want to do now that you know his feelings.

I think you just sit pretty and follow your own path in life and let him chase you. Let him get what he gets when you feel like it with no chasing by you what so ever. I don't think you should even consider at all stay in at his place for a date and stop the kissing/making out.

If he indeed doesn't contact you, then you know for sure and if he does take care in being available. Hope you date others casually for fun, and more options and opportunities and enjoy being young, single, and free.

Why NOT?

Robert Brenner · Jun 21, 2013, 10:52 AM

Starry, sometimes the best NEXT STEP is to be still. Go on with your life and make you the CENTER of your life. ALLOW him decide what he wants. AND, allow you to have what you want.

joypulv · Jun 21, 2013, 02:23 PM

I tend to be pretty practical.
I would like to know (first) what each of your plans are for the rest of grad school and beyond; where they might lead.
I would like to know how his one and only serious relationship ended. Maybe she glommed on to him tooth and nail, and he assumes that all women are the same. Clearly you aren't. Maybe he just needs to be told that his fears are all of his own making.

starrynightz45 · Jun 21, 2013, 03:52 PM

Thanks for your post!

We're both in law school and just finished our first year. I said grad school because I didn't want to be so specific online. We're both interested in the criminal law field, but haven't decided 100%.

I also didn't ask how the relationship ended as I thought it might be an inappropriate question, but it's possible that she was problematic. I really don't know.

starrynightz45 · Jun 21, 2013, 03:55 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

In this context, what does "making out" mean - and there was no sex involved – just making out/kissing etc." I've seen it mean oral sex, just not vaginal sex.

I have learned to believe what people tell me. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, can't handle a relationship, something else, likes you like a friend, more than a friend, I would believe him.

Now the question is what you want to do now that you know his feelings.

I meant literally just kissing alone. No oral, no sex, no contact beyond kissing.