Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    brooklyn1380's Avatar
    brooklyn1380 Posts: 12, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #41

    Mar 30, 2007, 12:51 AM
    Sounds exactly like what I'm going through even the birthday thing god that's so exact to what I went through its almost scary. We should chat sometime I think we have a lot in common
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #42

    Mar 30, 2007, 04:22 AM
    While its true you cannot control who you fall in love with, you can control your actions. Stop contact with these married men and get control of your life and emotions, instead of giving in to what your heart is saying. Save yourself a lot of misery.
    lilliandiana's Avatar
    lilliandiana Posts: 25, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #43

    Mar 30, 2007, 10:09 AM
    As far as I am concerned, M, his wife and I are all adults--no one guarantees us a perfect life in a perfect world. Maybe they should have been faithfully married for 50 years and walked into the sunset together. Maybe I should have had the same thing with my ex-husband, but that didn't happen. You can feel sorry for his wife, but you don't know her, and I have a hard time thinking she is a perfect woman who is being victimized. She is an adult woman in a marriage with an adult man and anything can happen there. No one else knows these people or what goes on between them. The local news this week is all about the married spouses of high school teachers who had affairs with students. I wonder how a marriage like that exists, with one spouse is completely in the dark about the activities of their partner. But it happens everywhere all the time.
    I have made no demands and I have never called his house or his cell or even driven by his house. My choice is that I believe he doesn't want to plunge his children into the chaos and blood-letting of a divorce wherein he will be the bad guy. And I don't blame him. Say what you will about true love and that he should leave---as long as he stays, they live in the world they think is real: mother, father and kids. His son is nearly 16 and if that set-up keeps him in school and off the streets, then that is what should happen.
    My problem is that I am in love and alone with everything--household repairs, auto accidents, family functions, etc. And when I am alone, I am filled with fear and doubt.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #44

    Mar 30, 2007, 10:50 AM
    So because you are alone and afraid then it makes the choice you made to get with a maried man the right way to go? I don't think so. We all have choices and we must also deal with the consequences or the rewards for making those choices.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #45

    Mar 30, 2007, 12:20 PM
    There are plenty of single men out there if you look. Then you won't be alone in everything, including your evenings.
    jovonnieshun's Avatar
    jovonnieshun Posts: 2, Reputation: 0
    New Member
     
    #46

    Mar 30, 2007, 12:37 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by lilliandiana
    I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
    You need to follow your heart, and roll with it what ever you deceided, he say you have control of the good so make him want you, even tease him a little bit but don't give him anymore...
    i12bmenhappy's Avatar
    i12bmenhappy Posts: 24, Reputation: 5
    New Member
     
    #47

    Mar 30, 2007, 01:06 PM
    Short and sweet but here is my advice... You should never be okay with being second best! You need a relationship where you come in first. Easier said than done I know.. But you have to think of it in terms of the long run, there are too many feelings in the 'here and now' that make coming to any decision difficult.
    Lolakay1's Avatar
    Lolakay1 Posts: 10, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #48

    Mar 30, 2007, 01:39 PM
    You know.. I honestly don't understand people like you. Your complaining of someone who isn't nice to you, but your ALLOWING it to happen. Your only taken advantage of if YOU let that happen. I don't feel sorry for anybody who allows this to happen. I mean... get out of the relationship.. PERIOD! What do you want people to tell you ? You honestly think people are going to say "Oh stay in it, he loves you" Come on! Another thing.. how would YOU feel if you were on the other end of this? Would you like YOUR husband to have an affair? Would you live through that heartbreak? I truly believe, what comes around goes around and we all get our own payback in some way!
    I think its time to grow up, kick this dude to the curb and get a man of your own!!
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
    Senior Member
     
    #49

    Mar 30, 2007, 02:46 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by momincali
    ggmagoo is right on! At what point in our lives would any sane woman want to be the hidden secret, the reason for lying to their wives??? The sad part is women in this position may say, well, that's not my entire life, but it becomes that way. It takes alot of work to keep a relationship like that going because everything has to be done discreetly. He has to sneak out, he can't spend alot of money, sometimes any money, or she will be curious where that money is going, the mistress has a low spot on the totem pole. I don't understand what is so attractive about a relationship like that. I mean, that's kinda like buying a car that looks good but you can't drive it just anywhere, isn't dependable and will almost certainly be repossesed at some given time without notice.
    Lilli- Exactly what was it about my posts that was so "disagreeable"? I don't think you enjoy being his hidden secret, I do think this relationship is probably one of the most difficult relationships you've had and the one you've probably worked hardest at. Do you disagree that he's not making you a priority, if you were, he'd be divorced and with you. I don't think you're happy with the way things are and you wished you had more. You can have more, but not as long as you're holding on to the wrong things. I don't think what I said was untrue.

    Listen, I'm not trying to be self-righteous here, but I am trying to sincerely help you. If that means shooting from the hip and not sugar coating things, than that's what I'm going to do if it means that I will contribute to to your life in a constructive way. I don't think you came here to have sunshine blown up your behind. If I was anything less than sincere, I would be doing you a great disservice. You have enough people patting you on the back and sympathizing with you, yet that's not really going to get you anything but a pat on the back. You seem like a strong gal. Use it. You don't need or want people's sympathy, you don't need to swap mistress stories, you need to see the poor choices you've made, put them behind you and move on with your life. I know you may feel sad and frustrated that your life is the same-old-same-old. Go to work, teach, do stuff with your kids and go to work again. Life's opportunities will probably not come knocking on your door. You want change, you need to go out and get it. Think outside the box, heck, get outside the box! Shake things up. Move if you have to, but don't stay in that stagnant water or you'll rot.

    For the record... I don't win things very often so I proudly accept that Moral Superiority Award you gave me! I'd like to thank the academy... just kiddin;)
    lilliandiana's Avatar
    lilliandiana Posts: 25, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #50

    Mar 30, 2007, 03:16 PM
    Well, you are certainly right that I have worked hard at this relationship. I worked harder at my marriage, though, and it went bust after 10 years anyway. And for the record, if you think I HAVEN'T lived through my husband cheating, you're wrong. I did. I don't know which was worse--the pulling away from me while I was trying so hard to be Superwoman, or the actual affair with the much younger girl. Doesn't matter. I survived and am stronger for it.
    I don't agree that M's wife is this rare species of wounded bird whom I should feel responsible for, but I DO agree that if I feel taken advantage of (and I do sometimes--why I started all this), I AM the one letting it happen. If I didn't let it happen; if I didn't sweep under the rug all my frustrations and dismay at being second best, it wouldn't happen.
    But as for hoping someone will say, "Oh yeah, he loves you"---I suppose that is EXACTLY what I was hoping.
    And thanks, momincali, for your gracious reply for my VERY defensive one yesterday. I do appreciate your comments and the time to post them. I am at war with myself, but I didn't mean to take it out on anyone here.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #51

    Mar 30, 2007, 05:42 PM
    disagrees: I didn't "get with" him. I am not married; I am breaking no promises to anyone. He did make promises and apparently they are difficult to live with, so he made a choice that most people would not. But that is his choice.
    It is your choice to be with him, since all you had to do was say NO, so I guess you learned nothing from being cheated on, except maybe getting even. It was wrong for your husband to cheat and worse that you do it knowing first hand what the feelings are. That is callous and whom ever made the first move is irrelevant, because you are both wrong.
    Noviceplaintiff's Avatar
    Noviceplaintiff Posts: 38, Reputation: 8
    Junior Member
     
    #52

    Mar 30, 2007, 05:58 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by lilliandiana
    I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
    You say you've broken up with him several times. As harsh as this will sound. You never broke up with him because you were never with him. That means, a single person dating a married man is always a single person. You will forever be waiting for him. Dating a married person is exciting for both the single and married person for physical and emotional purposes. You are an emotional outlet and will do what wifee won't do and you need to be needed. Would you want a man who can't be faithful to you. You are no prize if he were to leave his wife because and be with you and you didn't get any prize. Why do I sound so harsh... been there, done that for 4 years. Sweetie let go and love yourself. As long as he can keep you in limbo and emotionally hooked, he will. He has a lot to lose in comparison to you (his family, friends, ect). That is how he sees it and trust me, he is not leaving for you. He married that woman for a reason and is staying for a reason which should not be your concern. You will be the one hurt in the end because you will go to bed by yourself while he has his wife to hold him at night. There is more than one side to the story. Pray hard to get out of the situation and that all emotions are removed.

    Not knowing your religion or faith, ask yourself these questions (which are based on my faith):

    1. Do you believe that God knows your heart's desires?

    2. Do you believe that God knows every hair on your head?

    3. Would God bring anything to you that is not good for you?

    4. Would God bring something or someone into your life that is against what His word states?
    And if your answer is No to the last question, then would God bring a married man and his chaos, lies and manipulation into your life to be with you and disrupt your life?

    Just something to really ponder.

    As far as the work situation -- look for another job. Remove yourself from the situation, change your number and don't YOU look back because looking back will make you trip over the good things, good people and blessings that are in front of you.
    lilliandiana's Avatar
    lilliandiana Posts: 25, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #53

    Mar 30, 2007, 09:14 PM
    I am not callous or vengeful. My husband did what he did because men are sometimes stuck and unhappy and this is how they feel better. My husband did it and I endured it because there was nothing I could do to change it. People do what they do because something drives them to--in his case, he couldn't handle being the breadwinner and being responsible for a wife and 4 kids. I don't feel he was immoral or a horrible person--just weak and maybe desperate to feel good again. (After her there were the 900 number calls... ). I guess that is where I learned that you don't compete for people or their feelings. He wasn't my possession and I refused to beg him to love me. If he had rather listen to some sexy voice than be with me----ok. I let go when there was no hope of avoiding the breakup of the family, but emotionally I let go a couple of years sooner than that.
    I don't think M is trying to hurt anyone; I think he is stuck with trying to hold onto something for the sake of his kids and not wanting to create an explosion in his life-- and needing something else. I am stuck because I want him.
    As for my job--it sucks. I love the work but many of the people make life hell for me. I have a bunch of resumes out there and will keep trying to get out of there.
    You will continue to think badly of me Talaniman because you seem to need to make me into a horrible, hateful person and I am not.
    Lolakay1's Avatar
    Lolakay1 Posts: 10, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #54

    Mar 30, 2007, 09:27 PM
    Well it sounds like people can give advice and more advice and u are still going to be stuck in this situation. I guess its going to be YOUR decision on what you want to do. I don't honestly think that anyone's opinion is going to matter to you. I think your in something that you may like and not even realize it. Good luck to you, but I sure hope you do wake up one day and realize that you get one chance at this thing we call LIFE. Your going to wake up one day and its going to be the end, and your going to wonder WHY you wasted your life on someone so shallow.
    Good luck!
    Gem07's Avatar
    Gem07 Posts: 64, Reputation: 27
    Junior Member
     
    #55

    Mar 30, 2007, 11:05 PM
    I feel like I have a lot in common with you. I never thought of myself as a bad person when I was involved in a 19-month affair. I thought no one was being hurt. It was fun, good times for him and me. But the reality is that it was wrong, wrong, and wrong. I was using him as a means to escape from reality. He was using me for sex. This guy you're having an affair with is a bandaid on an open wound. You've selected him for a specific reason although you don't think so. He's uninterested in having a longterm, meaningful relationship with you. Besides that, I don't think you'd want him, anyway. What would you do if he showed up tomorrow, divorced and ready to go? Be honest.

    I hope you find the strength to end this or you'll just be another mistress wasting her best years on a man who's not even 1% committed to her. If you do not believe you deserve more, it's hard for anyone else to convince you. I just started seeing a pyschologist... join me! Get to the root causes of your behavior patterns. Behaviors/actions are not easy to change, but they're easier to change than other things (physical disabilities, birth defects, etc.). Be thankful this is something you can wrap your mind around and alter.

    Dump him. Feel the heartbreak. The only way to get through this pain is through it.

    You're getting fantastic advice here! Some of it's blunt and to the point, some of it has softer edges. But all of it is coming from a place of encouragement, support, and compassion. Please heed it. Go back and read and reread everyone's posts until everything begins to sink in.
    trumblepenelopy's Avatar
    trumblepenelopy Posts: 1, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #56

    Mar 31, 2007, 02:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lilliandiana
    I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
    héhéhé, my name is Pascale, I live in Belgium,and I live the same story , it s too funy!
    My boyfriend is horrible, egoist to a level that no one can believe, married, and have you noticed how they are so'unhappy' home but still are going back there every single day!!
    My 'Marc' is 47, let me pay the bill at restaurant, don't offer presents at birtday or valentine, and lets not talk about christmass,. I am laughing just writing this.His wife 's horrible, call him pig( wich now I believe he is),the worst is his attitude , he is racist, 'radin', superior,. physicly he is no goog looking at al!! Do not laugh, please!
    And still, what am I doing giving that idiot my precious time and love.
    It's really stupid, isn't it? Every morning I say, today I won't answer is phone, and at the end of the day I am the one calling!!
    Now that I ve seen his wife , I do not want to end up like her, fat , extremely unhappy, blaming the rest of the world for every one , al my friends are detesting him, my daughter hates him,. and still as I writte to you I wai for his call!!

    Come one , lets wake up , once and for al.

    I just put the worst pictur of hiùm on my blog :
    Blog de showmebiapoulet : showmebiapoulet

    Al the best
    my2229's Avatar
    my2229 Posts: 38, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #57

    Mar 31, 2007, 03:30 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lilliandiana
    I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
    Tell him you will be friends but not second fiddle. That if he really loves his son and wife he will accept that. If that don't work then you will have to end the friendship. Any way what kind of friend is he really if he only uses you for sex...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #58

    Mar 31, 2007, 04:40 AM
    You will continue to think badly of me Talaniman because you seem to need to make me into a horrible, hateful person and I am not.
    If you cut contact with this fellow and build a life you enjoy without him, your world will change and as you move to a much healthier lifestyle you will be able to make better decisions based on fact and not just feelings. I don't think you are a bad person, you have made some bad decisions. You can change all of that if you want to. That's all I want for you is to want to change your life, and be happy and healthy. It can be done.
    lilliandiana's Avatar
    lilliandiana Posts: 25, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #59

    Mar 31, 2007, 08:36 AM
    I AM getting great advice and I truly appreciate it. I do see a therapist and his advice is that I will never have any chance at a real relationship with M unless he ends the marriage and works through all the grieving and is finally ready to be in a spot to freely act on being with me. And OK, maybe I am a horrible person, but I don't think that would ever happen. I think if he did get divorced, he would use his freedom to see every woman in the countryside--because he would be FREE to do that. And I would partially understand the impulse because when I got divorced I spent YEARS revelling in not being stuck dealing with my husband's crap and doing what I pleased. Only I couldn't just wait on M to SEE every woman who is out there, and then trust that he would finally come back to me. It would hurt too badly to imagine him with countless other women---it is hard enough to imagine him with the one he goes home to (and whoever else he is attracted to). The only way I can is never having seen his wife. What gets me through that is the idea that he is stuck because of the boy.
    So the only thing that makes sense to me to break free is to get away; get another job and get out of the area. It's funny I dreamed last night about some military man I have never seen in a different country who took a fancy to me and who insisted I go out with him. It WAS kind of exciting to be pursued by some powerful man who could offer me diamonds instead of key chains or the occasional milk shake.
    lilliandiana's Avatar
    lilliandiana Posts: 25, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #60

    Mar 31, 2007, 08:49 AM
    The picture you posted on 3/31, I can't see.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

He's had an affair, what now? [ 52 Answers ]

My husband and I have been together for over 12 years/married for 11. We have a young child. I have been at home with our child all of her life. About 2 years ago, I found out the he was having an affair. He said that it never turned physical. If nothing else, it was an emotional affair. Well,...

Married and in an affair [ 14 Answers ]

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We have a child we are having an affair [ 4 Answers ]

My first love who is the father of my 16 year daughter has come back in the picture. He has been very supportive of her financially but has never been there much physically. He and I are both married and having problems in our marriages. Several months ago we began to share our feelings...

How do I end this affair? [ 5 Answers ]

I've been with my boyfriend for eight years. I've found myself bored. Three months ago I began cheating on him with a married man. I want to end the affair but it's hard. I've even slept with this man over and over again feeling guilty afterwards. My boyfriend is wonderful I don't know how...

Affair [ 3 Answers ]

Any advice on getting over an affair ?


View more questions Search