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Lolakay1 · Mar 31, 2007, 09:20 AM

lilliandiana disagrees: Obviously you didn't read the several posts that were helpful to me--specifically the one where I said that feeling second choice and taking advantage of--and I do sometimes--was my choice. That if I didn't like it I could change it did help me.

UMMM yeah, I have read all your posts. They are the same over and over. I just don't get really what your asking for on here? I mean the advice you have been given is coming from every angle, but then you come back with an excuse for your behavior or M's behavior every time.
So like I said, the advice on here could go on and on, but it is YOU who will have to make that final decision to go on with your life and dump M's butt and let him make that choice of who is more important. I think he is using his son as a vice NOT to leave his wife. Excuses excuses excuses!

brooklyn1380 · Mar 31, 2007, 11:48 AM

You know I have read all the responses to my question along with other peoples stories in the same position as me, and its so true, after you look back and see all the lies that the married man told you it comes together like a puzzle. I was with him for 9 months and while that might not seem like a long time to some people it was to me, I felt like he was the man that I have been waiting for. But now its so odd how he never wants to see me anymore, or doesn't take me out or anything. I did believe him when he used to tell me that he wasn't with her intimately, but now that I think about it maybe that was a lie too. I have never been in a situation like this before with the whole married man thing, and its almost like if its as bad as he says it is then he would have left. He always told me that there was nothing there for her, I mean of course there was love there as a friend or so he told me so but as far as being in love like a married couple should on his part there was nothing there, and I believed it I think that I still do or at least part of me does. I always took his word for gold the whole time which is odd because of what he was doing behind her back and I know for a fact that this is not the first time that he has done this to her. Then I started to think can I ever trust anyone like this? If he does it with me he will do it to me. I hope that I'm starting to see the light. Im not in any way saying that this is easy but I am trying and letting the cards fall the way they are meant to fall. I know that in my heart I love him very much but I want to be more than someone's toy! Sometimes the hardest lessons are the best ones and I hope that no matter what happens I will see better and more clear after this. But on another note if he isn't happy why can't he leave? No kids involved, its almost like he's afraid to be happy, and trust me if there are no feeliings there like you should have for your mate they are never going to be there. Well any more advice would be helpful to me..

Gem07 · Mar 31, 2007, 04:35 PM

At some point, you have to gather together the courage and just do what needs to be done. Almost everyone has urged you to do what's right and break up with this married fellow. This is a situation where you need to follow your head, not your heart. I think you are scared to let go. But you must. Make a deadline for yourself and do it. No one will do it for you. He certainly won't unless you cross that invisible line in the sand (ask incessant questions about his wife, call his home, start insisting he get a divorce, etc.). I almost wish you would do that because then he'd dump you faster than you can imagine and this whole mess would be over. I sometimes think, in your case, that it'll only be over if/when he says it's over. You've wasted 2 1/2 years on him. I have a feeling it's going to go on for a very, very long time. You first posted on March 24, tomorrow is April 1st. Call that fool tomorrow and tell him not to contact you again or you'll be calling his wife and then the police. Then hang up. Then cry. Then figure out why you hate yourself. And change your number. And get checked out for STDs. Do it! Just do it! Make April Fool's Day a new beginning for you!

momincali · Mar 31, 2007, 07:34 PM

Has it ever occurred to anyone that these men may, and usually are Class A liars! I mean, it's no secret that many men are afraid of commitment for mainly one reason, they don't think they can handle the "one woman for life" bit. So, they don't. They cheat. So, in order to cheat and get away with it, they have to lie about it. The women they married may very well be the best thing since sliced bread, and they love her to death, BUT, they still need more. Different. It keeps them young, feeling like they can still attract others. So, in order to successfully get into another girl's pants, they paint the whole, I'm not happy, she doesn't treat me right or I fell out of love picture to get sympathy. This way, they can feel good that they are good to their wife's in every aspect and that the affair is just for a variety of sex, this way they don't have to go to hookers and get diseases. And, they get the loving girlfriend who makes them feel excited because they have something on the side and it satisfies their appetite. They may have several of these girlfriends.

Just a thought.

Lolakay1 · Mar 31, 2007, 07:39 PM

Has it ever occurred to anyone that these men may, and usually are Class A liars!

Ohhhhhhh is that NOT the truth. But my whole argument with this young woman, is WHY does SHE put up with it?? She is the one who needs to walk away, cause WHY would he walk away from a good thing?? The man has a wife and a girlfriend. What man wouldn't want that? I don't know, it just makes no sense to me WHY anyone would be in that kind of a relationship! I guess I am different.
But with everything said here, you would think she would see that it is not a healty place to be in her life!! :rolleyes:

Noviceplaintiff · Mar 31, 2007, 08:06 PM

Brooklyn1380,

You know, reading your post, I must admit, you are writing the very thing my married one told me. It is amazing how married me are not original. But let me tell you this much -- His happiness is not your concern. You made it your concern because you developed feelings for him however, you must detach yourself. Any man will agree with me when I state, " A man doesn't have to be happy to be married or to remain married." People get married and stay married for different reasons (e.g. money, sex, security, status, & the list goes on). Everyone doesn't get married for love and commitment. And that should be enough to help YOU walk away. You heart is telling you one thing and your brain is losing the battle. Let me say this. My mother told me that men can spot a needy and desperate woman. It is an aura that "we" give off about ourselves and makes it easy to prey on. Ergo, married men are attracted to them. Why because it is easy to come and go. Think of this, the moment you walk away, there will be another woman there for him if there isn't one already. He isn't faithful to his wife, nor is he faithful to you because you are #2 in the line-up of probably 3 or 4. If you really want to see his TRUE colors... do what I did and let the wife know who you are and where her husband has been. Not vindictively, but approach her as a woman and see if he doesn't defend his home and tell you to get the hell on. When the dirt you do in the street comes to your front door (i.e. his marriage and home) then all hell will break loose. And that is real. Test it and see. Your feelings will get hurt, but you will see what you are so in love with.

chuff · Mar 31, 2007, 08:17 PM

Originally Posted by Lolakay1

UMMM yeah, I have read all your posts. They are the same over and over. I just dont get really what your asking for on here? I mean the advice you have been given is coming from every angle, but then you come back with an excuse for your behavior or M's behavior every time.
So like I said, the advice on here could go on and on, but it is YOU who will have to make that final decision to go on with your life and dump M's butt and let him make that choice of who is more important. I think he is using his son as a vice NOT to leave his wife. Excuses excuses excuses!

I think this is a great point and I guess it actually makes me ask the question to Lilliandiana, what is it your looking for? Your seeing a therapist at your own expense, your wasting your life at your own expense, your using your own personal emotional reserves at your own expense, your completely broke in every sense of the word, that is not finanicially related, and maybe even there too. He provides, nothing to you, which to your credit you at least recognize.

But it begs the question, What are you really searching for? I think you've got the answer, I think you know the answer, so what's left? Are you looking for courage, strength, motivation, or something else that I can't think of. Maybe you haven't even thought about it. Try and think what it is that your searching for because this isn't the path you want to be one and you know that but you keep traveling down it anyway.

brooklyn1380 · Mar 31, 2007, 11:55 PM

NOVICE, you know I have thought so much and more recently to go to his wife and tell her, not to be mean or throw it in her face, but to find out the truth or maybe some form of it. To find out what has really been going on and all he does is lie so I can't believe anything that he says, but I have thought about asking her things like on this date and so and so time was he with you? He has used every excuse in the book he even had told me after he stood me up one night for the 20th time that her grandmother was sick and she was too upset. I mean I always wanted to believe in him and always did but its so odd how one day you wake up and see the light and see everything for what it really is. I always believed that something is either black or white but after going through all the tears I can honestly say that sometimes there is a gray area. I don't know if I can emotionally face her yet, I still don't understand how he could just change like that and be such a cold person, but I guess he never changed it just took me a little longer to see it? What do you think

Allheart · Apr 1, 2007, 01:46 AM

Hi to all you young ladies in this situation -

This is all so very sad -

Here's the thing - Whether he is being honest, loves you - doesn't loves you and so on...

Ask yourself this one question - If... this married man were to leave his wife (who he vowed to love, honour and cherish) for you and broke her heart and devastated her, can you imagine yourself, turning your back, grabbing this married man's hand and walking away happily?

Could you honestly feel true 100% happiness for the rest of your days, knowing that this now exwife is sitting alone, every night crying herself to sleep. The vision of that alone would give me the strenghth to say, No - no more, I can not do this to another individual.

Just try for one moment - to put aside your sadness, the love that you think you have for this man. Just for a minute. Visualize yourself as this man's wife. Be in her shoes. Forget the negative things he may have said about her. Imagine this happening to you. Try and feel the pain that his wife would feel and then compare it to what you are feeling now. There is a difference. A big difference.

I promise you, I do not judge you, any of you, at all. It's almost like a well that you fell into and I am hoping beyond hope that you can pull youselves out.

To be quite honest, I would much rather be the one to hurt, than to cause hurt. Not sure how many happy days I would experience knowing I caused so much pain for someone else. The love that I would have for someone would never be enough to make it okay to shatter another's heart.

And Brook - Please Please and Please, do not, go to this man's wife. Please. This is not your place. You would be adding insult to injury. You may conceal your need to get answers by saying she has a right to know. Yes, she does, but not by you, and all that will work itself out, please don't have a hand in it. Work on healing the hurt that you are feeling.

ordinaryguy · Apr 1, 2007, 05:30 AM

Originally Posted by lilliandiana

So the only thing that makes sense to me to break free is to get away; get another job and get out of the area.

See, you know this. What you lack is not knowledge, but will. Everyone here can validate, and maybe even add a bit to your knowledge, but they cannot give you will. That is yours and yours alone to supply. For the good of all concerned, I sincerely hope you find the power within yourself to actually act on what you know so well.

brooklyn1380 · Apr 1, 2007, 10:49 AM

Its like a merry go round like I haven't called him at all, last night I stayed home and just hung out by myself thinking and pondering this whole situation (like I always do) and trying to figure out the lies from the truth, then this morning I get a text message saying the he hoped I had fun on my date last night, see that's what I don't get, I haven't seen anyone else but this married man and for some reason he tries to pull it out of thin air to get in his own head that I am. I myself aren't ready to even think about another relationship, but I know that it's bugging him a lot. And that's OK I guess, I'm trying to move on but I would like some answers from him, who knows if I ever will get them.

Brook

Noviceplaintiff · Apr 1, 2007, 02:05 PM

Originally Posted by brooklyn1380

I don't know if i can emotionally face her yet, I still dont understand how he could just change like that and be such a cold person, but i guess he never changed it just took me a little longer to see it? what do you think

Brooklyn,

I may not have been as clear in my communication of my post to you. By telling the wife, you are letting go. Telling the wife isn't to verify his dishonesty. The wife doesn't have to answer anything and more than likely she will tell you where to go and how to get there, if you know what I mean. Or she may have a lot of questions for you contacting her home. Because at that point, YOU will be the one in the wrong because you are the other woman. She may already know about you. By simply bringing his dirt to his front door is for you to see his true character which you are blinded by now because you are in-love with this man. Let me tell you... he WILL protect his marriage and his home. He WILL become angry with you because you are no longer a secret and you are trying to come out of the dark. He WILL discontinue communicating with you so he can repair his marriage and that IS what you want if you truly want to move on. I just want you to see what you are so in-love with and sweetie, it isn't much. So don't let 9 months turn into 4, 5 or 10 years. He will still be married when you come out of it. Messing with a married man is exciting for both people involved but you will never be more than single because there is no such thing as having a married boyfriend. It is the pain that will come when you tell the wife and hopefully it is enough pain to push you far enough away from him. Plus, the wife will not divorce him so if that is your hope by telling her, don't tell. If anything, she will hold on just to spite you. And make sure she isn't crazy and wants to come after you. Just something to keep in mind. Don't try to figure out his lies, there are some things you will never get the answer to (even when you have been nothing but honest and genuine to a person) and there are some answers you don't want to learn -- trust me.

lilliandiana · Apr 1, 2007, 04:31 PM

What do I want? I guess I want him to feel enough for me not to be able to STAND being apart from me. I guess I wish he would walk through all the crap and heck, even FIRE, just for the opportunity to make me his. I wish he would think to himself, "Damn, what a woman! What a catch! What a lucky bastard I am that she loves me." But that is a fantasy.
2 1/2 years ago, I was different; he was different. He told me right up front he was never getting a divorce; never leaving his marriage. He never lied about his feelings. He never cried about how miserable he was. He never mentioned her --period. EVER. He said his son needed him and if he left she would make sure the boy hated him and he couldn't take that. I still had my boys at home and they took up all of my time--except for the weekends they went to their Dad. I was sooo lonely when they were gone, and M's attention helped. So we went on--every other Sunday.
But now my boys are gone and I have made a life of my own. NOW I want someone to share it with. Because we work together, I see him every day; talk to him every day. He has seen me in every mood imaginable. He has done cartwheels to cheer me up when things are crappy-- and when he caught his son with pot, I tried to do the same.
I would never hurt him or his family by saying a word to his wife.
My son, who knows his son slightly at school says M's son runs with the drug crowd and is headed for trouble. Meanwhile my son makes straight A's and plays football. M's son needs a stable world and his Dad. I am not so selfish that my needs outweigh that.
I wish it was as simple as if he loved me he would walk away.
I KNOW I have to be the one to end it but I feel like he is wrapped in and around my heart like cudzu.
It is so hard not to love him.

ordinaryguy · Apr 1, 2007, 07:25 PM

Originally Posted by lilliandiana

I KNOW I have to be the one to end it but I feel like he is wrapped in and around my heart like cudzu.

"I know...but I feel..."

Yes, you know, but you aren't willing to act on what you know, therefore you suffer. Your suffering will continue until you decide to act on what you KNOW instead of what you FEEL.

talaniman · Apr 1, 2007, 09:44 PM

We all know how hard it is to do the right thing. You will have a lot of support if you try.

alizeblu · Apr 2, 2007, 07:21 AM

Sigh... well like I said

Until something purges this thing from you: --->love<----

You will continue your situation as if nothing is wrong.

wise old horse · Apr 2, 2007, 07:43 AM

Well I have had my few shares with cheating but put yourself in his position if it was you and you knew your ex husband would turn your boys husband you what you do run away with the love of your life and not worry about your boys or would you just bear it and not see that secret lover and know your boys will always love you and be there

momincali · Apr 3, 2007, 12:02 PM

Alizeblu - I never implied that there were no men out there who could handle one woman! I said "many" men couldn't handle it. I also never said that there was a perfect man out there. I don't think anyone would seriously look for perfect, but to meet the criteria that they have set up for themselves.

Wildcat21 · Apr 3, 2007, 12:56 PM

The old married guy deal. 2 1/2 years and of course he hasn't left his wife.

Remember - he cheated on her - HE WILL CHEAT on you.

This is insanre. You're only being used by a BIG loser.

lilliandiana · Apr 4, 2007, 06:01 PM

Hi, guys. Sorry I haven't been in touch. Hectic here with my class and the job and a 24 year old moving out and leaving a HUGE mess behind. I am thinking about all the responses, but right now I just don't know what to say.
I am hoping that once I get my house back in shape that I can start writing on my novel again. Then I will have the strength to end it with M and move into a whole new era in my life.
I guess I just hate that so many of the responses act like I am the victim of a con man. I am not dependent on M for anything except tenderness--which I am willing to take as a substitue for the love I truly need. He's probably as much a crutch for me as I am for him in not facing what our lives are really like.