[lilliandiana]

I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be OK with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?

[letmetellu]

The best way to stop humiliating yourself is to realize the you life with this guy is a train wreck and you need to walk away while you still can and heal you wounds and find someone in your life that you can be happy with and will tread you with respect and not just another piece of .

[alizeblu]

Uhh leave. Its not hard, turn around, walk away. Simple.

Ooooo000oooo00... I think someone's caught feelings for tha brute.

[TheSavage]

Lillian -- It sound to me like your in need of a complete make over -[I hate those shows]-new job,new city , and most important a love of just your own.It would be a hard first step --but just ponder on the rewards. --Savage

[MadamButterfly]

He really sounds like a boar!
You deserve so much better. Not only do you deserve to have someone who will treat you with respect, you deserve to have a man who will be committed to you, not just to having sex with you.
You said that, after two and half years of being with this man, he forgot your birthday. That's absolutely inexcusable, especially since you remember his birthday, and his sister's. I understand that he is concerned about the wellbeing of his son, no to mention that, were he to divorce his wife, he would be screwed over by alimony and child support. Nonetheless, you should leave him. It doesn't sound like he's benefitting you in any way.
You don't need to move to a new city, or even find a new job. You just need to leave this man, and begin living your life for yourself, without having to deal with the drama and stress he brings into your life.
You're right, you are humiliating yourself... by remaining the mistress of this good for nothing. So, pack your bags, or change the lock on your door, and declare yourself a free woman. After all, as Nina Simone so eloquently put it:

"The other woman finds time to manicure her nails
The other woman is perfect where her rival fails
And shes never seen with pin curls in her hair

The other woman enchantes her clothes with french perfume
The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room
There are never toys thats scattered everywhere

And when her baby comes to call
Hell find her waiting like a lonesome queen
Cos when shes by his side
Its such a change from old routine

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone"

-m

[lilliandiana]

It's not that he forgot my birthday. He remembered it; he came over and we had sex. He just didn't get me anything, not even a card. But he asked me to buy him a soda and bring it to him and he accepted the card. I guess I am just not worth buying a present for. He used to bring me some little trinket home from the beach; this year he didn't, even though he sure took the t-shirt I bought him when I came back from the beach. He won't ever say I love you. Not even a "love ya" as we hang up the phone. I have told him I like flowers and would be thrilled with even a dandelion he yanked up off the side of the road. I am sure he is now determined to never bring me flowers. He sure never has. A matter of principle, I am sure.
I am just going to start being busy on days he has penciled me in for sex (Sunday afternoons) and act like I got tied up with something. As much as it hurts, I am sure he will pretty quickly get somebody else lined up for extra sex on the side.

[JoeCanada76]

He is probably having sex with more then just you and his partner. Sack this piece of sh&#. Why are you even still having sex with this person. You asked for advice before and obvious you did not listen to it. Will you listen to it this time and stop having sex and stop seeing this poor of an excuse of a man. You need to take responsibility in this mess as well. Do you want to die an early age, do you want to continue humilating yourself then continue seeing this person.

The only way to stop the mess is by leaving it far behind.
No more contact. NONE.

Joe

[lilliandiana]

I just shudder to think how he must be behaving at home if his wife does not suspect after 2 1/2 YEARS. That is probably part of the thrill, knowing that 2 women are so stupid and that they both WANT so desperately to believe he loves them. I do wish I could move away.

[NY_Mom]

Jesushelper76 basically made a point I was thinking. Only Sunday afternoons? I bet he has something going on Saturdays as well, and it isn't with his wife or kid.

The big question is: do you feel like you love him?

You didn't mention it anywhere in your posts, but not being able to walk away...

You know he isn't good for you and have even stated why - you've also broken up a few times and yet are still coming here for advice.

Darling, I say you get a few good friends of yours together and make Sunday afternoons a time to be with your friends who are worth your time rather than being with him. They will also be able to help keep you strong.

[lilliandiana]

Yes, I love him and I have always thought our time together was special. He is a very tender, alsmost shy lover, which absolutely melted my heart. And there is something about his build and his voice and his way of looking at things. But all of those things I love, I am pretty sure someone else loves too, and she wears his ring and has borne 2 of his children. And I am just tired of wondering WHY all the time. I know he likes certain things: the smell of oranges, the beach, ball caps. And because I love him I have tried to wear fragrances with the smell of oranges; I have bought ball caps--one especially that he asked for when I went on vacation to the beach. Yet, he has never brought me flowers. He got me nothing for my birthday. He chokes on I love you and only said it when I told him we weren't making love anymore w/o it (after 2 years). He has never just up and said it. And in the back of my head I wonder why his wife doesn't suspect after so long; I wonder if it is because he convinces her of things like he convinces me--with lies and half truths and by acting offended if she questions him. The bottom line is IF he loved me, I would feel it instead of feeling like I am just trying to convince myself that he does, wouldn't I?
After he made the comment about Pamela Anderson's b**b, he started laughing and swore it was a joke. He called me 4 or 5 times (I wasn't answering) and paged me. But what he said was: You best not be mad at me on my birthday. And he swore he wouldn't have been offended if I had something similar. But I NEVER would have said anything like that because for me he is IT and it hurts to know that I am just--- extra cheese.

[TheSavage]

Ah girl -- there are lots of guys out here for you to feel the same about with no strings attached -- and They are looking for YOU. But as long as you kept yourself trapped in a deadend relationship you will never see us will you?-- Savage

[smoothy]

I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?

Just call it quits, and mean it. There is no easy way if you share feelings. But don't see him, don't talk to him and just generally try to avoid him in all things. If you want it to end this is what you must do. Find someone who is not spoken for and the transition period will be less painful and pass more quick.

[alizeblu]

OK misss...

I am so sorry for what I am about to say, but I'm going to be brutally honest with you.

You're missing the point. "love".<----this thing right here is what's making you stay with him. The reason you can't see a life without him is because you are BLINDED.

You can't see right now. You can't think straight, and your judgement is off key.

If you were thinking logically, you'd realize that you're in a relationship with a man who's cheating on his wife with you and cheating on you with his wife. And is probably cheating on both of you with someone else.

You will not leave this person. Why? "love"<----because of this thing right here.

In order for you to really grasp this concept is for something to happen. To make you realize what you are doing. Which probably won't happen now, why? Because of this thing right here:

-->"love"<--

Our advice you will take with you and you will know and understand what you are doing.
But, will you use it to correct and rectify your mistake?

NO. you know why? There it is again -->"love"

You will continue to make the same mistake unless something is done about that emotion.

It controls every aspect of you. It prevents you from making rational decisions.

Here, let me elaborate from a personal experience:
I fell in "love" with a girl and we had a relationship for four years, in the beginning I knew she was cheating on me, I just knew it, it never showed itself to me, it never reared its ugly head, but I knew, blinded by my "love" for her I continued the relationship. Years into the relationship another problem happened, another sign she was cheating on me. Once again I knew, but never did anything about it... still blinded... well, it finally reared its ugly head. She broke out in tears and told me she was cheating on me the whole time I was with her. She told me she was weak and wanted me to move on, still... blinded... I wanted to give her another chance. I told her we could make it work. But she told me it would only get worse and stongly advised me to move on...

I didn't listen... still... blinded... the next day I tried to pretend everything was all cool.
Yea I got my girl back its all good. We talked, blah blah blah... then I asked her to go to the movies with me. She said no, she never says no. well any ways she calls me back to tell me she will take me but she won't go with me, so I ask my friend to go with me. So its us three in the car and I wanted to throw up, my friend and I noticed it at the same time and we looked at each other. He wanted to say something but I told him not to, its my burden, I told him not to worry about it.

THE WHOLE CAR SMELLED LIKE SEX. I snapped...

The thoughts that were racing through my head... I literally wanted to strangle this girl to death, but I came back to reality, just for that moment.

I told her it was over.

This thing right here ------>"love"<------

Until something happens to purge it from you and break your connection with him, you are not going to be in the right state of mind.

[Sarahrip]

Nothing comes in the way of true love... nothing. If this man loved you he would let nothing else stand in the way of being with you. That is what true love is. And the son excuse... he would be able to make that work too. You obviously love him, and that's why it is so easy for him to give you hope, and to blind you with excuses.
End it.

[lilliandiana]

Part of the problem is that I live in a little hick place where my whole life comprises going to work, coming home, teaching my class, working on little projects at the house, visiting my kids and going to work again. I have papered the state with resumes trying to get away, but I am overqualified or underqualified or maybe I just don't exist at all.
THERE IS NOBODY LOOKING FOR ME--SINGLE OR OTHERISE. I am attractive and I am smart; I love deeply and I give and care and I am talented. But nobody cares. For my kids, I am over the hill and a drag. I have one single friend (a guy--no attraction, just friendship)---everyone else is married.
I don't mind not being married, but as I told my lover (can you have a lover w/o love?): I want a boyfriend;someone to take me to dinner and the movies and away for the weekend. Did he say: "Gee, that can't be me"? No, he said he would try. HOW?? I asked him today, "does your wife love you? Are you helping yourself to the love of 2 women?' He said he guessed she did. In other words, yes, she does, but he is still entitled to both of us.
But he isn't----- because it is too painful for the one who doesn't have the ring and the kids.
But instead of cutting my losses I obsess about WHY can't he love me? I want him to. And I feel there is something just off about me because he doesn't.
I am such a mess.:(

[Sarahrip]

So you know he is an absolutely terrible person, but you can't let go. You are not going to find an answer to your question here. No one can tell you how to end this affair, or how to stop loving him, or how to make him realize. Because the only answer anyone can give you is stop, and end it, but you won't do that until you convince yourself that it is for the best, and that despite the fact that you are going to be lonely, it's the only right choice you have. It is so easy for others to say leave him, because it sounds so easy. I know its not. I would try to deal with this one by yourself.

[alizeblu]

Part of the problem is that I live in a little hick place where my whole life is comprised of going to work, coming home, teaching my class, working on little projects at the house, visiting my kids and going to work again. I have papered the state with resumes trying to get away, but I am overqualified or underqualified or maybe I just don't exist at all..:(

You have to concentrate on what's importat right now. All of these things that you are doing is good, just keep it up.

THERE IS NOBODY LOOKING FOR ME--SINGLE OR OTHERISE. I am attractive and I am smart; I love deeply and I give and care and I am talented. But nobody cares. For my kids, I am over the hill and a drag. I have one single friend (a guy--no attraction, just friendship)---everyone else is married...:(

Don't beat yourself up, trust me there's no point in doing that, tried it didn't work. There is always someone looking, you just haven't found the right person yet. You need to reflect on yourself a little more. Don't worry about him. Worry about you and your kids, as he is doing the same. Only thing is he's using you to get what he's not getting from his wife, whatever it may be. Once again you have to take a step back and see it from the larger perspective.
Which right now you won't, as you are in love, but take with you the advice.

I don't mind not being married, but as I told my lover (can you have a lover w/o love?): I want a boyfriend;someone to take me to dinner and the movies and away for the weekend....:(

You will not have this kind of privlege. As he has his own priorities and his own agenda with HIS family. You need to search else where if you want the kind of boyfriend you're searching for, because its not here.

Did he say: "Gee, that can't be me"? No, he said he would try. HOW?????? I asked him today, "does your wife love you? Are you helping yourself to the love of 2 women?' He said he guessed she did. In other words, yes, she does, but he is still entitled to both of us.
But he isn't----- because it is too painful for the one who doesn't have the ring and the kids.
But instead of cutting my losses I obsess about WHY can't he love me? I want him to. And I feel there is something just off about me because he doesn't.
I am such a mess.:(

You believe him because you are in love.

You obsess because you are BLINDED.

And you feel pain because you know what you are doing, but have no contol of your actions.

You will continue to hurt yourself, until something clicks in your head.

Until then, god speed.

[chuff]

After reading all these posts and your last one I really think your in denial. Look he's never leaving his wife. Not now, not when his son is 18, not when his son is 21, not ever. Your just his side toy. But you keep hoping and justifying. There is no hope and there is no justification. Small town or not, whether he works with you or not the reality is you have to pull out of this or he's just going to continue using you and gaining nothing but confidence that you keep falling for his lines and charm, while you keep losing self respect, self dignity, and that part of yourself that tells you this is wrong. Eventually that part will just give up and you'll always be the side toy. So you can either find the strength to quit now or wonder in 10 years why he stays with his wife but continues to say that he loves you.

[gypsy456]

Let me guess...

His wife doesn't understand him, there's no love anymore and he doesn't care but he stays for the child...

Come one... do yourself a favour...

Think of this: a man who is married and has a child cheat on his wife with you.
Now, picture this... suppose that he will leave his wife for you and build a new life with you... how do you know he can be trusted... after all: he cheats on his wife now...

Is that what you want for yourself ?
Don't you deserve a little better ?

Good luck.

[lilliandiana]

Well, thank you to everyone who has tried to help me. I do appreciate it very much.