[mogrann]

I am putting this here as I believe it is my Borderline Personality Disorder that is making me so nuts. I am trying to be clear but to be honest I am having issues typing this out. The old don't share things about loved ones coming back. I am sure that is why I can't get the help I need.


I have trust issues yes that is my problem not hubbys. I just want that out there as I am waffling on my perception and thoughts.

I thought hubby had been smoking again for months. I asked he denied. I have made it clear if he was that is his business. I just don't like the lying. I don't bug him about it.

When we were on vacation and drinking, I started craving a smoke and had some. It was only that night. And he was there, after 6 years I still did it. My bad I was lucky my asthma did not act up. Stupid me. We were both drinking and he admitted he had some and was smoking all along. I kept quiet and addressed it when we were sober and no one else around. I told him I was hurt he had been lying. I explained it was a trust issue. He does not get it. He says he did not want me worrying about his health (he had a heart attack in his late 30s). It is his life and his decision is my way of thinking of him smoking. It is not the smoking issue bothering me it is the lying. I found out later from others at work that they all knew and someone even said "I thought you must have been real stupid not to know, he asked us to say nothing as you did not know".

Now I am worrying about what else he is lying to me about. Then I switch to he is a good man and I am wrong for being worried. It has impacted my mental health disorder and skills don't seem to help. My brain hurts from this thinking back and forth. He is a good man. He loves me. He is good to me. But then he lied. Ugh I don't know what to think or do.

Am I being unrealistic? Is this me being stupid again? I should mention as well my thinking has gone the way to what if he is lying about everything? What if he does not love you? What if he is cheating on you? I have no facts for this at all. I just can't stop the thinking.

As a side note I have not been active due to personal issues.

[JudyKayTee]

First, a hug - a gentle hug, but a hug.

My honest opinion (for which I am known, unfortunately) - your trust issues are causing you to jump from lying about smoking to cheating, a very big step. For whatever reason he doesn't want to hear about smoking. Maybe he's concerned that continuing to smoke makes him weak or addicted or something else in his own eyes as well as yours and so it's easier just not to tell you or to outright lie if necessary. He is right - it's his life.

Let me tell you my story - my late husband was diabetic, on dialysis. I knew he was "sneaking" food. I knew he was manipulating his finger sticks. I knew - after 3 heart attacks - that he still smoked on occasion. We both knew any/all of the above could - and did - kill him.

So he wasn't truthful with me. Did he love me? Certainly. Did he ever cheat on me? I would be very much amazed. Cheating and lying about eating and smoking are two different things. His moral fiber would not have allowed for him to cheat, to have an affair. It just wasn't "him."

I think you are taking a big jump here, a jump that is not justified.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

And when he went into the hospital for the last time and I brought his ski jacket home I found candy bar wrappers in the pockets. I doubt he was collecting them and so... he would have changed his habits if he could have. He didn't want to lie, he didn't want to die and leave me alone.

He just couldn't change things.

[mogrann]

Thank you for honesty. That was one thing I kept going back to, I hate this disorder I have. I hate it. I can't even trust what I think.
I think I will keep saying it over and over it was only about smoking nothing else. Hopefully it works.

[JudyKayTee]

It will work!