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    Scorpio Queen1's Avatar
    Scorpio Queen1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 26, 2013, 11:02 PM
    Scorpio Woman
    I told the ex either we marry or end it. He wanted to weigh both options, because he's fearful that I will leave him, so I said, I'm done. 3 days later he texted but I didn't reply.

    Should I use the no contact rule?
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #2

    May 27, 2013, 02:07 AM
    You probably mean he wanted to 'wave' both options. Does he have good reason to think you will leave him after you marry him? So he text you and you didn't give him a chance to talk it out, bad move. You can't use no contact unless you tell him you are doing that but I don't know why you would if you want to marry him.
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    Scorpio Queen1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    May 27, 2013, 04:00 AM
    We broke a couple times for one day but always go back together. I was time of the back and forth...

    I did tell when he didn't make a choice that I'd make one for him. We went to pre-marital counseling in the past few months, I just wasn't sure, If this is what he really wants.
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    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #4

    May 27, 2013, 04:12 AM
    I can't tell you if this is what he really wants, but I wouldn't give up on it.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #5

    May 27, 2013, 05:27 AM
    You haven't said how long this has gone on, but it does sound like you have made a decision. You gave him a choice and when he wouldn't make it. You exercised your option and said that is it. He apparently waited three days to see if you had calmed down and would be willing to continue waiting for him. It was the established pattern of your relationship if you have repeatedly (more than two times) broken up and immediately gotten back together.

    It is time to break the cycle. You tried counseling and he is still playing the waiting game. You said enough. Stick with it.

    You can go No Contact without informing him. However, I recommend making arrangements to return personal property (preferably through a third party or dropping off without having a discussion) and settle any financial obligations. Once you have eliminated the legitimate reasons for contact get rid of phone numbers, defriend, ask friends to refrain from giving you updates or messages from him, etc. Do not contact him and do not accept any communication from him.

    Frankly, at this moment, I would not accept any proposal he made. I wouldn't be certain it was what he wanted out of love and commitment or if fear was driving him to do something he would regret. It would not be a good basis to continue a relationship or begin a marriage.

    IF you decide to talk to him again, do not agree to get back together until you have worked through the issues that caused the break up. Not making a lifetime commitment is probably just one large symptom of what has been causing issues. How many little ones have been ignored? How well do your expectations of the future match up to his?

    IF you decide to go back or talk with him, you may need to change/adapt your expectations about marriage because ultimately you cannot make him change unless he really wants to change for himself. That includes working through why he doesn't seem as eager to marry. The only person you can change is yourself. Do you want marriage more than you love and want to be with him?

    No matter what you choose and what happens, good luck and may it be for the best.
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    Scorpio Queen1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    May 27, 2013, 05:51 AM
    The break up was last Wednesday... Did I mention that he's a Pastor and I attend his church? Should I continue to go to church?
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #7

    May 27, 2013, 08:18 AM
    A little bit of information at a time does not guarantee you really good answers. If you tell us everything up front, then that is a lot better. Okay, so he is a pastor, and yes you should still got to church.

    Why don't you just invite him over for a coffee and sit down and iron these issues out and get them put to rest and then the both of you can get on with your lives, either apart or together.

    Does he have issues with the way you live?
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    Scorpio Queen1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    May 27, 2013, 08:27 AM
    No, he doesn't have a problem with how, I'm living... he said that he never knows when I will pull the rug from under him. My dad spoke to him via phone but my dad didn't mention me in anyway.

    I believe If, he loved me he will call and tell me he wants things to work... I moved closer to him to work on the relationship, however I need to see him put in some work, now.

    As a leo male, I believe, if he wants me, he'll show me.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #9

    May 27, 2013, 08:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Scorpio Queen1 View Post
    No, he doesn't have a problem with how, I'm living...he said that he never knows when I will pull the rug from under him. My dad spoke to him via phone but my dad didnt mention me in anyway.

    I believe If, he loved me he will call and tell me he wants things to work... I moved closer to him to work on the relationship, however I need to see him put in some work, now.
    Do not make ultimatums and then not carry through with the consequences you set. Making excuses for setting aside the consequences also gives him the idea that he doesn't have to do anything because you will fold and give him what he wants.

    Either you are together, communicating and trying to work things out or you are broken-up going No Contact and trying to move on with your life.

    As for church, if you decide to move on and continue going to his church, be polite, but limit your interactions with him.
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    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #10

    May 27, 2013, 09:04 AM
    I think you are immature and childish. First you make comments about how he is a leo and you are a scorpio. Is this how you make decisions in life? As far as giving ultimatums that is not really a good way to be in any relationship. Grow up and move on, and do not bother him anymore. He has every right to feel the way he does.
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    Scorpio Queen1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    May 27, 2013, 09:08 AM
    @Joe - I didn't give an ultimatum. I asked him, what did he want to do, because he was the one that asked for the counseling in the first place!
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    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #12

    May 27, 2013, 09:21 AM
    You keep changing the story. I smell something fishy. First you give him an ultimatum and then now you are denying it. Sorry your story does not add up. There are more holes in this story then a sponge has.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #13

    May 27, 2013, 09:32 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Scorpio Queen1 View Post
    @Joe - I didn't give an ultimatum. I asked him, what did he want to do, because he was the one that asked for the counseling in the first place!
    You told us you gave him an ultimatum:

    Scorpio Queen1 Scorpio Queen1 is offline (6 Posts) Asked Today, 02:02 AM

    I told the ex either we marry or end it... He wanted to way both options, because he's fearful that I will leave him, so I said, I'm done... 3 days later he texted but I didn't reply.

    Should I use the no contact rule?
    What do you call it when you tell someone, 'either we marry or end it'?

    May I ask how old both of you are and how long this relationship has been going on?
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    Scorpio Queen1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    May 27, 2013, 09:49 AM
    40 & 46 yrs old...
    I didn't grandstand, we were talking about the relationship and I said, we needed to make some choices and not go back and forth.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    May 27, 2013, 12:52 PM
    How long have you been in a relationship? That's important information because your all or nothing approach would make any guy hesitate especially after many one day break ups.

    That's not a good sign. Almost like a test he has to pass.
    Scorpio Queen1's Avatar
    Scorpio Queen1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    May 27, 2013, 01:18 PM
    One year, however we've known each other for 4 years.

    He was the one that wanted the COMMITTED relationship, we went to pre-marriage counseling, looked at houses together, etc...

    I asked him why did he continued the relationship, etc... if, he was afraid that I would pull the rug from under him. His reply, "I wanted it to work."

    I believe, he wanted his cake and eat it too.

    If someone loves you, they'll do what's necessary to make it work.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #17

    May 27, 2013, 01:49 PM
    Well, if he wanted 'to have his cake and eat it too' then there was someone else in his life, a wife, whatever, that is usually what it means when he has a woman on the side.

    Is this what the problem is, he is married?

    You want him to divorce his wife and marry you?

    This is what I am reading between the lines. So what is the whole story then?
    Scorpio Queen1's Avatar
    Scorpio Queen1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    May 27, 2013, 02:00 PM
    No he isn't married. He wants to be with me on his terms...

    He wanted to go to relationship counseling, so I did. We were looking at houses, etc...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #19

    May 27, 2013, 02:18 PM
    You two are moving way to fast as you both seem to have different terms and you are not satisfied he hasn't done more. I bet you are the one who breaks up with him after a disagreement and to be honest saying he was the one who wanted a committed relationship is not genuine since it takes two to agree.

    You are both probably demanding, stuck in your own thinking, and very stubborn. Forget marriage since dating ain't going that well. I see you guys going through the moves but no rhythm to your dance. Its more like a war of wills instead of romance. Something has to give and since you dumped him, won't talk to him, leave him alone.

    No more contact, even if you have to change churches.
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    Scorpio Queen1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    May 27, 2013, 02:33 PM
    I was willing to negotiate and tried to meet him in the middle.

    Maybe after a little time apart (I'm focused on getting myself together) we'll be able to come back together and work things out. I hope...

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