[Charrrr]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and just recently he opened up to me about his sexual past. He told me early on he had one boyfriend before me, but he told me that was a one-off at a party that carried on and they did nothing sexual.

He admitted he lied and told me that he had 2 boyfriends that he had done everything with except had sex with them. Since he's only admitted this to me and hid it from his friends he could not hide the fact he missed those days and spoke fondly of the 2 boyfriends which hurt me a lot. He spoke of one of them using a dildo on him which really freaked me out.
Then he admitted he has a fetish about bums. He asked me if I would finger his bum and smack it, and although it makes me incredibly uncomfortable I was accepting of it to spare his feelings.

Now I feel confused and insecure. Is he gay and does he think about other guys? Am I satisfying enough for him or does he want to be with a guy?

I really want to please him but asking me to stick my finger up his arse just makes me feel very uncomfortable and kills all the passion. I don't feel good enough for him any more and I have to admit when we are having sex that I hate it now because of his gay tendencies and I almost wish he hadn't opened up.

I love him so much but I don't know how to feel on this subject. I wish things would return to normal.
I would really appriciate some advice or an insight on this. Thank you!

[SouthernBelle06]

This is a tough situation and I understand your concerns. I would be concerned as well. We can give you opinions all day and say what we think, but the truth is no one can tell you what his intentions are except for him. You have to sit down and ask him what he wants and talk to him about your concerns and fears.

If he is still interested in dating other men, you will have to let him go because your needs are incompatible. If he says that the experiences with other men from his past were just experiments and he wants to be strictly with you now and has no more interest in doing it again, you have to decide whether his actions support his words and whether you are willing to see it through. On one hand, maybe he only now feels comfortable enough with you to share something that he didn't even tell his friends, which could be a good sign. But on the other hand, he did tell you that he misses those days and speaks fondly of the guys involved which is a major red flag. Chances are that he may decide down the road that he wants to be with another guy, thus breaking your heart. Of course this is the chance we take in any relationship. We can get our hearts broken for a number of reasons, but you do have some red flags in front of you now.

All of this aside, as of right not it sounds as if the incompatibilities in your sex life are going to cause a rift between the two of you anyway. No matter what a person prefers sexually, if it is making one partner uncomfortable or insecure and they don't want to participate, this is a problem. It will kill the passion and therefore affect the rest of the relationship.

Again, it's a hard situation, but you will simply have to have a heart to heart with him and speak to him about your concerns. Only he can answer your questions. Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

[teeny94]

I think the part about sexuality is actually only a secondary issue here. You are insecure and feel uncomfortable with this man. You don't need to be in a relationship where you feel like that! In my opinion be friends with this guy, and in the future maybe things will happen - maybe not. Relationships are there to add happiness and security to your life, not doubts. Find somebody who brings you these things, I'm sure that person is out there for you! ;)

[talaniman]

Only you can say what is out of bounds, but you sound very uncomfortable in this relationship so I would advise talking honestly and letting your feelings known.

[Charrrr]

Our relationship is pretty rock solid and secure in every other way, we are happy, don't get me wrong!
We've been through quite a lot over our year and I really respect him as he trusted me and opened up to me.

[Drusus]

This may not be advice- it's more of an observation: I think that even if the previous 2 boyfriends were girlfriends, the situation would still be uncomfortable just because of the potential for comparison to them.

Hypothetical situation: if he talked about a previous girlfriend, maybe even one that had some sort of strange ability or interest you didn't have (perhaps she is a human pretzel, a turn on for him), you do not like the idea of being compared to her. Moreover, you would wonder if that interest is something that would draw him back to her- it could be a source of insecurity in your relationship.

Now, he likes a certain type of sexplay which is unappealing to you, I think you have to share your lack of interest in that type of sexplay with him, and that you want to make him happy, but you aren't able to get into it like he is. Maybe you can compromise. You may not find it a turn-on, but maybe you can find a way to help him fulfill his interest in a different way, or maybe you can channel your feelings towards this form of sexplay such that you get turned on because you are turning him on.

The long and the short of it is: not seeing eye to eye on all things is normal (there are always bumps in the road), and insecurities and hang-ups have to be worked on before you get to bed so that the both of you can move towards having a fun and fulfilling relationship without overcast skies to distract you from what's really important. Good luck!

[Lillian42]

You just need to decide how you feel about it. This is just my oponion but I could not date a guy who had sex with other guys! Ewww I just couldn't do it sorry.

[programmer4289]

1st it will be his finger then the strap on... if you are uncomfortable with it, maybe you should end it

[Elena_cy]

My Dear,
In my opinion sex has a big role in our relationships.Please go on and forget him.Find someone that makes you feel perfect as a woman and as individual.Atherwise you will not feel the love and the passion which it is the most important in your soul