Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    Msmeraldo's Avatar
    Msmeraldo Posts: 2, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #1

    May 8, 2013, 08:01 AM
    Unique problem in love
    My husband of twenty five years died suddenly a year ago. His best friend who was married same amount of time but divorced ten years ago came back strong and supportive in my life.

    He recently about 18 months ago, had his ex wife move back in the home to help with a wayward teen, and they tried to put the relationship back together, and after a year they both became aware same issues cropped up.

    He and I have always been close, And have gotten closer . I told him to stay away until she moves out, not call me. I am sad and miss my friend and the life we could have, but am firm in my mind she must be gone. He wants me to be patient as she try's to relocate, but I won't wait and see.
    I know if its me he wants, he has to do it alone with no influence from me. I miss him. Right thing I did?
    smkanand's Avatar
    smkanand Posts: 602, Reputation: 56
    Senior Member
     
    #2

    May 8, 2013, 11:20 AM
    Well, it's quite right. His wife should go. He has to cut the previous stuff. You miss him that's fine. But not to call you, that's not compulsory. He might need your help sometimes. As you said he was there when you were need it, so he might need you. You should call him sometime, if not regularly.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
    Entomology Expert
     
    #3

    May 8, 2013, 11:33 AM
    I think you are doing the right thing. It's good to see someone that has the correct values once in a while. You are right that he needs to do this on his own.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
    Ultra Member
     
    #4

    May 8, 2013, 11:38 AM
    I agree with leaving him alone for now. He has to decide if he wants you, or his ex-wife around; not both. Good luck.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #5

    May 8, 2013, 01:14 PM
    Bracing myself, because I disagree. I see a widow (I'm a widow), in a relationship (whatever that means), with a male friend. I see nothing about sex. I see "close," but that could mean a lot of things. I have no problem with men and women being close friends - and, again, I see no mention of sex in this post.

    The friend and his wife are concerned about their son; the wife has nowhere to go. They are or aren't divorced - ? At any rate, I don't think this is a "your wife or me" situation. If the OP's relationship is behind the wife's back, well, then it's another story.

    I think the friend and his wife should be commended for getting back together to help their son. I don't see the friend hiding that fact from the OP.

    I wouldn't recommend a "her or me" ultimatum without knowing the rest of the story.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
    Entomology Expert
     
    #6

    May 8, 2013, 01:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Bracing myself, because I disagree. I see a widow (I'm a widow), in a relationship (whatever that means), with a male friend. I see nothing about sex. I see "close," but that could mean a lot of things. I have no problem with men and women being close friends - and, again, I see no mention of sex in this post.
    Oh, now you put a different spin on it. I hadn't considered that it may just be friends. I read into it that she is looking for a relationship out of this. I agree, if it's just friends, I see no problem just like you said.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #7

    May 8, 2013, 01:40 PM
    You have done the right thing giving him a chance to unpack his past baggage and handle his business correctly before you even consider anything beyond friendship. But you don't have to be patiently waiting to see what he does. I hope you are doing what you enjoy with your own life now.

    Sorry for your loss.
    Msmeraldo's Avatar
    Msmeraldo Posts: 2, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #8

    May 9, 2013, 11:12 PM
    Thank you all for the advice.
    When they divorced 10 years ago he was still friends with us. She wasn't .
    She does not know we see each other at our business's and it has gotten intense. He told me he has always loved me but I belonged to his best friend.his ex that moved back in is extremely jealous of us. It was a non issue for me because I never had those feelings for him until of late.. (While married, to me I had put him firmly in the brother box).Now I see how happy we could be, but do not feel like being in the shadows till his life plays out. I have raised two fine boys both in college now, and still believe strongly in integrity. If we start something, it has to be clean. She and he have so many issues, but I don't want to add to it. I miss him, but told him if he wants to pursue this with me he has to be completely free. He understood. It's been 10 days without a word. I just feel now I've also lost a great friend ( we're in the same business and compare notes all the time)but we've rolled the ball down the romantic road and there is no turning that around . I think it's his call now. Or not?

    If no one can see this why can I read other similar problems from others? Paranoid now

    Quote Originally Posted by smkanand View Post
    well, it's quite right. his wife should go. he has to cut the previous stuff. you miss him that's fine. but not to call you, that's not compulsory. he might need your help sometimes. as you said he was there when you were need it, so he might need you. you should call him sometime, if not regularly.
    Thank you
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #9

    May 10, 2013, 06:20 AM
    I applaud your logic but think you need to keep an emotional distance from this fellow and be willing to adjust your life to not include him at all. I know, affairs of the heart always look good on paper, but reality is it may be years before he gets his personal life in order.

    Don't wait for that to happen, build a life that you enjoy for yourself, and stay open to better options and opportunities for love and romance. It will help you keep this whole mess in proper perspective and you will make decisions based on facts, and not just strong feelings.

    Then down the road if its possible for a clean start, you can go for it cleanly.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Love problem [ 16 Answers ]

I aarzoo,20yrs old was in a relationship for last 6 months with a guy-28yrs old.. we enjoyed a lot but now his mother is not agree with our relation and so he stopped talking to me as before.. and saying that we should break up as we have no future... I said that I can't liv without you so then he...

Need help! Love problem! Please help . [ 4 Answers ]

I'm 15.. and I like this girl... she's my seat mate for like 3 years... and we were close friends... I always ask her advices on what to do when I was asking for forgiveness to this other girl... okay lets put names on the characters... lets say I'm ME.. and the one I love is HER and the other girl...

Win server 2003: unique problem [ 6 Answers ]

One morning, I cannot log on to the domain. All clients cannot logon. Netlogon is not working so I cannot use mapped drives. I cannot run tool like DCdiag. Event viewer - Event ID 13516 - FRS (File replication service) is no longer preventing the computer... from becoming a domain controller. ...


View more questions Search