[Josskacer]

Threads merged
I am 27 and I have been in a relationship for 5 months with a women that I was absolutely crazy about. We got along great, had lots of laughs, shared our deepest darkest secrets with each other, I thought everything was fine. About a month ago she started acting funny, she seemed distant, she didn't want to go out or spend the night. She said everything was fine but it was clearly not. I pressed the issue and we ended up breaking up. The reasons she gave me made no sense. She said the fact that I had a child was stressing her out, and the fact that my child's mother and I don't get along was too much for her to take. I am not the custodial parent and I only see my daughter twice a week. And the relationship with my ex has improved a lot. Anyway a week later me and her agreed to try again but slower. We would try just dating and see how that goes. But she still seems distant and we hardly ever hang out. She is under a lot of stress, she just moved here from out of state and she misses her family terribly and school is adding to her stress. I don't know what to do here. I care about her a lot but the sense I get is that she doesn't feel the same about me, yet she hasn't told me she wants to end it for good. Should I just be cool and give her some space and just let her work out things on her own, or should I force the issue again and ask her what she wants. The uncertainty is killing me. I don't want to mess things up with this girl, she is beautiful and intelligent and I was never afraid to be myself around her. What the hell should I do?

[amy99roo]

Give her the space, I think this is normal for people to feel at about this point in a relationship. I think they evaluate the person more and if they should go further. Pressing the issue with her will push her away. I know it's impossible, but try not to think about it all the time. It will make you make irrational decisions...

I was in the same situation, suddenly, he needed space. I was also confused and uncertain and forced the issue to clear things up for myself. He didn't give me any answers anyway and things ended up going from bad to worse.

[talaniman]

Give her the time and space to work out her issues. Don't call her for a while and if she sees things clearly and wishes to call you. Don't stress, just keep your own life moving along while she thinks.

[Josskacer]

My girlfriend of five months just told me that she was still in love with her ex boyfriend from Wisconsin and that he will be moving down here to New Mexico with her later in the year. This came out of nowhere, I so never saw this coming. Everything was fine with us till a month ago when she started acting a bit withdrawn and distant. She went back to visit family over the springbreak and when she came back she told me it was over. I feel horrible. She insists that she wasn't thinking about this guy at all until she went to visit, but I know that's a lie. I think her heart was with this guy the whole time she was with me. I am devastated, I cared about her so much and it was a (seemingly) healthy relationship.b To make things worse I have to see her at work everyday. I lied and said I was happy for her and hoped thingsworked out but in my mind I was thinking "slut" and other nprintable things. I feel so any things right now. I feel like there is something inherently wrong with me, that I am somehow inadequate. I really feel less then useless right now. What should I do?

[JoeCanada76]

You should not do anything. You can not control the choices somebody else makes. You can not control her feelings or her reactions or thoughts.

You however can control yours. You should be happy for her but realistically speaking your looking at it all wrong. She is talking about being with an ex. Why were they an ex. How long do you think they are going to last, lol. Do you know what I am saying here.

You need to let this person go, because she will always cause you heartache. You do not need that or deserve that. This is a person that will go back and forth between two people, depending on if everything is going good or not.

Joe

[shygrneyzs]

First of all, there is nothing inherently wrong with you. So get that out of your head. There was nothing you could have done that would have prevented this woman from going back to her ex boyfriend. You could have stood on your head for a week and she still would have left you.

We all have times where we feel inadequate, that we missed something or some part in a relationship. But you know, relationships work both ways. What you were putting into the relationship - you were not receiving back. Although relationships are not 50/50 in the real world, we strive for that balance, believing that each one inputs as much as the other. But there are times one partner carries more than the other and vice versa.

It is tough to go to work and see her every day. If it becomes impossible, then you may need to think about a job change. Wishing her well is a good thing to do, even if your heart was not in that. No sense in bearing ill for what you cannot change.

Right now, I hope you get involved in other pursuits - do you have a hobby or an interest that gets you energized? Being out in the community finding positive ways to interact with others. If you have too much time on your hands and find yourself dwelling on this breakup, why not try volunteering your time? Something like Big Brothers, tutoring, mentoring, visiting at a nursing home, etc. You would soon see that there are problems that will make yours seem small. You want to bring this whole relationship into a new perspective and get past your hurt.

Also, I would add that you make sure you are physically healthy - keeping your body well, reducing stress. If you feel like your helplessness does not fade, please see your doctor. You could be going through a situational depression. It is okay to ask for help. When haven't we all needed help now and then?

Take care of yourself. Good luck to you.

[Josskacer]

I have written about this issue before, but now I have more information to share. I was dating a woman for a few months and she recently broke up with me to get back with her ex. She tried to tell me that this wasn't something that had been long in the planning, but had suddenly happened when she went back home for spring break. I didn't believe her at all but didn't say anything because we work together and I didn't want any unnecessary drama. I havetn spoken to her at work in a few days and she called me lastnight to ask me what was wrong. I told her that I think she lied to me, that she had been in contact with this guy beofre and the whole point of her trip back home was to hook up with this guy. I told her that I felt like I was her back up in case things didn't work out with him. I kept calm, didn't loose my temper, and she confrimed everything I suspected. She had been talking to him for months and had not told me. She had even lied to me at one point and told me that she wasn't intereested in anyone else, which struck me as odd at the time because I had never even asked her about anyone else. I am so unbelievably angry at this woman I can't even tell you. I cared for her greatly and did so much for her, I house sat for her while she was away hooking up with this guy, I even took her to the hospital and stayed with her when I was sick when she had food poisoning. I feel like I was played for a fool, I trusted someone and got screwed. She was so cold about it on the phone, she was watching an episode of Will and Grace while she told me what she did and was giggling like it was no big deal. She sort of said "sorry" but it's the kind of sorry you say to someone when you accidentally bump into them in the hall. How can someone be so cold? Part of me wants to corner her and yell at her, the other part is telling me to just walk away. I don't know what to do, I am cunsumed with anger and resentment. And I just can't get over how cold she is about it, how she could do this to someone and act like it's nothing. What should I do?

[talaniman]

Your mad at yourself for not taking the good advice given you in your other posts. Quite talking to her and leave her alone. She has no feelings for you but because your such a good guy you think she does. You expect her to feel as you do and she doesn't. As others have told yo before she has her own life issues to deal with. Stop taking her calls and move on.

[chuff]

Wow, I have been there. Trust me I hate her too, and I've never met her.

First thing is to not talk to her at work at all. If she approaches you and starts talking SMILE and say "that's great to hear" or "I'm happy for you." It doesn't matter if it fits what she just said or not then walk away or turn and talk to someone else. Your there to work and not be her friend and just like she talked to you without a care in the world you do that back to her if she approaches you.

If she doesn't approach you DO NOT approach her. This girl gets off on controlling you and she's done a good job of it so far. If you approach her it just shows her that she's still got control over you. If you got hit by a train on the way to work you show up and being smiling whenever she is around, always be happy even if she isn't talking to you. By doing so you will let her know that your happiness has absolutely nothing to do with her and she has no effect on you.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes because sadly she started having feelings about someone else, so leaving or cheating on you was not longer a really "big" deal to her, she was merely moving on to another relationship.

With that said, you don't really have any real choices here but to move on and live life, keep buy, let time help you get over her, and start looking for that next love of your life.

[Springfalls]

I totally can relate to this. Im sorry that it happened to you. The same scenario just happened to me at the most recent time,may I say. My case, my boyfriend did it to me. I don't understand why there are such cold people around and they always seem to win in the end, which of course does NOT mean 'last'. They just never realize they're hurting the one who's unfailingly been there for them.

Why can't they just first untie the rope that's right before them *then* move on and get tangled up in a new rope. What's with sneaking around behind our backs... always the same old case!

Why can't they end it nicely owing to the fact that we went through a lot together as a couple.
Please don't lose yourself over anger. Its really bad for your mental health. Cut yourself some slack. Life is too short to get mad at someone's ignorance. What's done is done. Its not like the two of you share the same house. Trust me, you WILL get by. Out of sight. Out of mind.

Let her be. She doesn't deserve your heart.
Xx

[TrueFaith]

Been there done that.. got the T-shirt, and driven home in a vat of rage!


Oh man its painful as hell.. your are a 100% right she was just keeping you as a back up. To see if things didn't work out.. with that dude.. man you don't owe her anything! Cut her out of your life.. you really don't want to be around someone that can do that to you..

For her to talk to you like that with no repsect. You shouldn't even waste your breath on her my friend.. it has no feelings for you or her boyfriend.. just wait.. until she finds someone else.. then that boyfriend is going to have to go threw the same stuff. She sounds like she will do this all her life..
And at the end of the day she will lose.

You'll get over this.. your not a fool. It takes a big person to trust someone.. and let them into your life.. she is the one that looks stupid in all of this.. not you..

All us here can see who's in the wrong :)

Find someone who you can truly be yourself with
Take care man

[jaxie]

That's how I feel also. Except my relationship lasted 8 years yeah eight years