[SouthernBelle06]

I read an interesting article on the net this morning and since I know that there are international members here, I was curious if any of you agree with it.

The quote from the article that struck me is as follows:

"In America, a lapse in monogamy ruins marriages, bankrupts couples, and condemns families to divorce-court hell. In Europe and elsewhere, infidelity is considered a bump in the road, if it's considered at all."

My question to our friends in Europe is... do you agree that this is true? Have you experienced this? Have you ever dated internationally and noticed cultural differences that caused particular problems?

I am an American and dated an Englishman very briefly once. What struck me about him was how easily he seemed to remain friends with all of his exes, whether they were "flings" or full blown relationships. He seemed so casual about things (such as socializing with more than one ex at a time), whereas in America, the same situation would likely result in drama, drama, drama if a guy's ex girlfriends were expected to hang out with one another (at least I have witnessed this among my female friends and acquaintances). My American exes, for the most part, always seemed to have a string of ex-girlfriends that were lined up to choke him... lol. :D

I know that there are exceptions to every rule and I certainly don't want to overgeneralize or stereotype. But this article made me curious about how relationships, infidelity, and breakups may be differently perceived and dealt with in countries other than America. Do we Americans take things too seriously? Any thoughts?


p.s. Here's the link to the article if you are interested: French Men Don't Get Caught - Page1 - MSN Lifestyle: Men

[Capuchin]

Errgh, in my experience, it's exactly the same. Some people stay friendly with exes, some don't. Some people forgive more easily than others.

I couldn't stay with someone after they had cheated on me, even though I am a laidback englishman!

I think we create drama less often though...

[phoenix1664]

Well any person that I have had a relationship with long or short I have tried to keep in contact with unless it was something serious.

I have not dated anyone outside of the UK but I think generally it depends on the person not the nationality.

But I suppose your reactions to breakups will be affected by where you grow up and the normal response from your area.

[Jiser]

Well my mother remained friend with her her ex husband.

Umm a lot of my friends maintain contact with their ex's whether brief or not. But cheating and going off with others does create problems, I don't think there is much difference here in the U.K. than the U.S. apart from shooting your ex-wife seems to be more common due to the legality of having guns in the U.S of A

[SouthernBelle06]

I see what you are saying Jiser. Remaining friends is quite possible when endings are amicable or mutual but in cases such as cheating and running off with another where one's feelings are hurt, it is difficult to cast that aside. It will no doubt cause problems. This is a human, global commonality rather than a local or national one. When you hurt someone, you hurt someone.

p.s. And on the subject of gun control? That is a whole other post of in itself. :p But I for one, never have or never will own a gun. I would be much more likely to cut off contact than an ex's head... lol.

[Jiser]

I agree when your hurt your hurt, doesn't matter which nation you live, now where is the nearest chain saw store?

[SouthernBelle06]

Or you could always poison their tea? :p Less mess to clean up after...

[Jiser]

A sly way of killing :P Ways to kill the ex, lets create a new thread dedicated to it! Hehe

[Fr_Chuck]

There is also in many cultures a more importance of marriage and the lack of running for a divorce for any reason. Just read some of the posts we get here, my husband did this, should I sue him, or should I leave him

America has made marriage disposable for any reason almost, they don't take it as a serious life time relationship that is suppose to last past problems.

[rol]

Interesting post southernbelle!

As regarding friends with exes I've noticed that most of you Americans are absolutely against it where I have seen many examples of people remaining good friends and introducing the ex to the new person in his/her life.

Anyhow back to the question
<<My question to our friends in Europe is... do you agree that this is true? Have you experienced this? Have you ever dated internationally and noticed cultural differences that caused particular problems?
>>

Yes I've dated a lot interrnationally, I've covered most of europe in fact ;-)

Some(I should say "most" ;-)) French and italian men and women have the habit of making a girl jealous on purpose.You walk down the street here and a married french guy will stare at you and the reason is for the wife to get jealous, its incredible!! They just get amazing dirty looks back from me which seems to heighten their interest even more.

Northern european men (Sweeden and Finland)on the other hand are quite quiet and the woman always have to make the first move. This is quite different to the normal rituals of the guy pursuing.. Up there women have to make the first move.

Another thing is the "exclusivity" stuff. That does not really happen in Europe... If you get together with someone is it considered that you are exclusive, but this is changing quite a lot nowadays also..

[rol]

From the article
<<During my first trip to Paris, I found myself intimidated by everyone's sense of composure. I was amazed at how people—who didn't otherwise seem crazy—talked to themselves. Someone explained the European psyche; they have a developed capacity to "converse" with themselves. Now, I wonder if that confidence, that ability to reckon with one's own soul, is something Americans lack.>>

COMPOSURE!! HA HA quite the opposite!!

Its definitely true about people talking to themselves though! And its nothing to do with reckoning with ones own soul..

This article is funny...

[SouthernBelle06]

Hi rol,

Interesting reply. Here in America, among all the people I know, I can honestly say that to hear that someone stays in touch with an ex regularly and in an amicable way seems to be the exception rather than the rule. In most cases, when a girl begins to date a new guy, if she hears that he is in frequent touch with an ex, whether she will admit it or not, a red flag is usually raised. She will try to do the cool thing and be nice to her if she must, but usually she perceives it as a slight threat. If given a choice, most American girls would prefer that their new partner not be in touch with an ex. Again, this is only in my experience. I know that there are always exceptions.

It seems that exes here are only really expected to remain in touch with one another if a child is involved.

You say that "getting together" with someone usually means you are exclusive in Europe. By "getting together" do you mean that the couple has dated only one another for a while or that you they have been sexually intimate with one another?

And Fr. Chuck, I agree. Divorce here is so easy to obtain, many couples give up and bail at the slightest insult rather than working through the issues. It is more difficult in other countries.

[rol]

Yeah that's amazing because most people I know who break up don't really have hate for each other and can stay in contact quite well.
Of course when either get a new girlfriend / boyfriend it is introduced to the other one so that there is no mistrust etc.
I know for myself when I move on I move on and would never consider going back to an ex. I think that is the way most people see it here.
I think here if you have such hate for an ex it would even be seen as a bad sign that you were so hurt and do not seem to be over it.

One amazing example I've seen is a couple who were divorced who work in my company, the ex couple and the girls new boyfriend have lunch together nearly every day.

So its true in America this seems to be the opposite... its interesting, My brother who lives there told me the same recently.

By getting together I meant going on a few dates,
Personally if I go on a date or 2 with someone I consider that exclusive.
Its difficult enough to find 1 decent one let alone date several at a time lol;-)

What is the difference between casual dating and friends in the US?

[tishee_76]

Hi guys..
I live in Australia and I can't speak on behalf of the country but our country is renown for being multi-cultural. Though I'm third generation Aussie..
Marriage is still taken relatively sacred, that's why a lot more australians are opting for de-facto relationships instead these days..

A surprising amount separated parents don't apply for court orders regarding access with their children, it is muterally decided out of court.
This is also the case for maintinence.
So ex-partners with children do tend to regularly stay civil and communicate unless of course in voilent situations.

Relationships still have the expectations of being a monogamy, though obviously we can all be tempted and fail.. In my experience yes, ex do remain friends generally and yes, a lot of times people even find new partners through their exes..
But more interestingly the forgive factor in this country must be a little higher than USA because australians tend to forgive drunk pashes, one night stands, affairs and that goes for both sexes..

Lastly... Please no-one be offended... I do feel very alone on these posts when I suggest:

a) If you love your partner and they feel the same way, stay and work at it, it will be worth it...

b) Yes cheating is bad but we all make bad choices at some time

c) If you give the bio parent a bit of time to adjust they may realise what they're missing and make an effort towards parenting..

Most of the comments made after I've suggested any of the above is "Dont Agree. Leave the Bum"
I didn't actually think anything of it initially but after this post, I check some statistics and you could be on to something..

Oh PS Great post! I had fun learning stats..

[Geoffersonairplane]

Well, most of the oldies on here know my story (I don't mean old as in age by the way LOL)

I asked my ex if we could remain friends at first because I was scared of losing her. She said "Yeah, sure we can" and then quickly changed that to "no because what if I found someone else."

Personally I think she knew what she was doing, she was either clearing the path for someone else (which I later found out from her brother supposedly happened but he turned out to be a player with more than errr, one woman on the go) or forecasting her inevitable adventure of experimentation which she actually hinted on wanting to do way before we broke up, perhaps 6 - 8 months before. I was too blind back then to see it and too in love.

I don't think us brits or any other internationals are far different from guys and gals in the states... I think it just depends on the individuals...

I would just like to point out generally that I would love to date an American woman, the accent turns my legs to butter. LOL

And for some reason, I like Welsh accents too... :confused:

Sorry for banging on again..

[SouthernBelle06]

Geoff, I didn't realize that you had been the one who had asked to remain friends with your ex when she ended things with you. I didn't realize that she had been the one to turn the offer down. Looking back now though, do you think that it would have been a good idea? Could you truly have done it had she said yes?

Ha ha. And the American accent turns your legs to butter Geoff? That's funny to hear because Americans love the English accent too. I myself think it sounds so "prim and proper" compared to an American accent. The men sound so suave and "James Bond" like. He he he. Of course I hear American accents around me constantly every day so they are nothing special here at all. But I am a sucker for accents anyway... Scottish, Irish, Australian, French, etc, etc. The list goes on and on.

I did date an Englishman once. He was from northern England but lived here in the states a while. We had a lot of fun teasing one another about our accents. He would try to mock me and I would mock him. It was all in good fun. You probably would do well dating an American Geoff. Just find yourself one who lives in England now if at all possible. Long distance is a killer. Lol.

Speaking of accents, Wap would probably find this interesting... the other day there was a Scottish rock band on TV doing an interview. I can't remember who they were... a new band here. Apparently so many Americans find that accent so difficult to understand that the words they were saying were written on the screen as captioning. It was as if it was a foreign language that was translated. I found that to be funny.

Now who's banging on? Sorry :p

[giggles]

I think here in ireland most people are friends with their exes. It's a small country after all, and not to easy to avoid people! Also, it's a more tribal society, people socialise in groups and often you will have accumulated mutual friends through relationships.
I have not been married so cannot answer for that.

[Skell]

Hi guys..
I live in Australia and i can't speak on behalf of the country but our country is reknown for being multi-cultural. Though I'm third generation Aussie..
Marriage is still taken relatively sacred, thats why alot more australians are opting for de-facto relationships instead these days..

A suprising amount seperated parents dont apply for court orders regarding access with their children, it is muterally decided out of court.
This is also the case for maintinence.
So ex-partners with children do tend to regularly stay civil and communicate unless of course in voilent situations.

Relationships still have the expectations of being a monogamy, though obviously we can all be tempted and fail.. In my experience yes, ex do remain friends generally and yes, alot of times people even find new partners through their exes..
But more interestingly the forgive factor in this country must be a little higher than USA because australians tend to forgive drunk pashes, one night stands, affairs and that goes for both sexes..

Lastly... Please no-one be offended.... I do feel very alone on these posts when I suggest:

a) If you love your partner and they feel the same way, stay and work at it, it will be worth it...

b) Yes cheating is bad but we all make bad choices at some time

c) If you give the bio parent a bit of time to adjust they may realise what theyre missing and make an effort towards parenting..

Most of the comments made after I've suggested any of the above is "Dont Agree. Leave the Bum"
I didnt actually think anything of it initially but after this post, I check some statistics and you could be on to something..

Oh PS Great post! I had fun learning stats..

I don't agree with a lot of this and from downunder. But as in all countries it is different for all people.

But at least amongst my group of friends what you say here is not indicative of everyone.

I don't know of many who forgive affairs and cheating. None at all in fact!!

[SouthernBelle06]

From all the great responses from people from all over the world, it seems that people from other countries tend to stay friends with their exes more so than here in America. I think that's great really. I wonder what makes it so different here? Hmmm... something to think about. I blame it on the Republicans... lol.

Seriously though, how are you so easily able to socialize with your exes and keep feeling of hurt or jealousy when seeing them with another at bay? Are these breakups that result in friendships where you remain friends always amicable and mutually agreed upon as being for the best? Have you been left by your boyfriend or girlfriend for another and still remained their friend and are able to socialize with them without feelings of hurt? How do you put the feelings behind you so easily? This may help us uptight Americans out. :D

This is interesting...

[LBP]

Consider me another guy who attempted to stay friends with his ex only to have her turn it down... Admittedly, it's not like I was the best of friends for a while there... but then, what does one expect? Things to be peachy at the drop of a hat? It takes time to get over a person!