[Pboy87]

Hi,

I’m writing here after ages. Broke up with the girl I previously needed help with as she wanted to get married soon and I don’t think I’m settled well enough for marriage so she found some guy off a matrimony site. Good for her. Anyway I’m over her.

And seeing this new fantastic girl. Met her at one of my tours abroad. And I have known her for 5months now. It is an L.D.R. and we meet each other once a month.

Now this is where the issue is. When we met we instantly hit it off. Crushed on each other and it developed well. Now she is close friends with her ex's younger brother. They both are still very good friends even though her ex dumped her for another girl more than a year ago. She doesn’t talk to her ex much. (He was the only guy she has dated, crushed on each other since they were 15 but started dating after they turned 19 and went on for 2 years before it went downhill for another year before they broke up last Feb). They hardly ever spoke if they bump into each other nowadays (As they are from the same religious sect so bump into each other once in a while some Sunday prayer days).

Anyway, I was there and knew her for around 4-5 days then and she wanted to spend time with me so asked me if I wanted to go to a party with her. I agreed. On the way there, just about 5min away from the place she tells me it’s her ex's house. I didn’t think much of it then as I was like we may just be together for another 2 days and then I go back to my country and don’t see her anymore so I didn’t think it was anything crap for me. The ex wasn’t there as he moved out of his own house to his new girlfriend’s house. The party was thrown by the younger brother and his uncle. (The uncle is the house owner). There were many others and some random friend of hers took her aside to show that the photo collage of her and her ex that she made for him was still there. It was getting uncomfortable for me. But I was still OK. I couldn’t walk out as I was in a foreign country at 2am without any sort of public transportation as these were the villa areas and was dependent on her and her sisters for dropping me back to my place which was on the outskirts of the city. All was OK then.

She did mention that she finds it weird coming back to that house after so long and I asked if it was because she wasn’t over him. But she said it was because she hadn’t been there for a year so it’s weird. That’s all. It wasn’t an awkward weird feeling and she was over him long ago. And that some of her stuff was still there. Like her books and notes from old uni. Anyway, now we are together officially and serious and now at times the thought bothers me that she took me to her ex's place to party. I really find it insensitive of her to take me there considering she says she was serious about me and wanted to have a future with me. Then why take me to the house where she has had sex with someone else (she said she never did anything in her own house with any guy) and spent memories and has photos with him. She even showed me his room and some friends needed something so she helped them around the house like she knew it like the back of her hand.

It’s really bothering me more nowadays since we are closer. Those images are in my head. It being the only house that she has had sex. Even shows me his room (one of the obvious places they did it) and also the way she knew the place inside out and how their pics were still there. And she claims she didn’t think of all this, she just wanted to spend time with me so took me there as I was leaving the next night but she was hardly with me there, she was with some other friends, we hardly even spoke even when she sat next to me as she looked serious as if feeling weird and nostalgic though she says it wasn’t so and that she was just a bit tired. I really kind of feel crap that she took me there and all these images are now haunting me.
She had sex there.. Or she has pics there.. Or her books.. Or stories like how she climbed down the window once and jumped off the gate to go home as his relatives suddenly dropped in, etc. Now I know the house to getting a visual image in my head that is screwing me up. I kind of hate her for being insensitive and taking the guy she apparently wanted to be with to an ex's house.
I don’t know what to do to get over this hate feeling towards her and get those images of her and him and that sex places and house locations. Please help. I really like her and she is very sweet in every way possible that’s why I need to get this out of the way. Please help me. Sorry for such a long post. Please help me how I should get over these images and hate feelings for her being insensitive towards me. She has apologized so many times already for taking me there now but I still feel irritated and queasy thinking of the insensitivity. Why take your current or probable guy to an ex's house where you have had a past with him. Please help.

[Oliver2011]

Bluntness warning!!

"She has apologized so many times already"

Wow. Keep making her apologize so she gets tired of it and dumps you.

Are you kidding me? Has anyone ever called you a drama queen before because after reading that you sure look like one to me.

Seriously you are in a new relationship. Why add so much drama while you two are still getting to know each other. If you continue this you will lose her. I am thinking after reading this post that it may be in the best interest of the girl if you do lose her.

She took you to a party at her ex's house and oh by the way her ex doesn't live there anymore. SO WHAT? If you stress over something so small what are you going to do when something big happens?

Sorry for the bluntness, but really dude!

[Pboy87]

Thank you for replying me. I know it is stupid of me and its not something worth getting in the way. That is exactly why I need help as these images get in my way. The house is still the way it was. Even though he doesn't live there his room is still his and she was helping other friends with some tshirt that they wanted from his cupboard (some of his old stuff as those friends thought of staying there).

It is just weird for me to know the place where she had sex with someone else.

Bluntness warning!!!

"She has apologized so many times already"

Wow. Keep making her apologize so she gets tired of it and dumps you.

Are you kidding me? Has anyone ever called you a drama queen before because after reading that you sure look like one to me.

Seriously you are in a new relationship. Why add so much drama while you two are still getting to know each other. If you continue this you will lose her. I am thinking after reading this post that it may be in the best interest of the girl if you do lose her.

She took you to a party at her ex's house and oh by the way her ex doesn't live there anymore. SO WHAT? If you stress over something so small what are you going to do when something big happens?

Sorry for the bluntness, but really dude!

[Oliver2011]

thank you for replying me. I know it is stupid of me and its not something worth getting in the way. That is exactly why i need help as these images get in my way. The house is still the way it was. Even though he doesnt live there his room is still his and she was helping other friends with some tshirt that they wanted from his cupboard (some of his old stuff as those friends thought of staying there).

It is just weird for me to know the place where she had sex with someone else.

Get over and move on. It really isn't worth the stress you are bringing to the relationship. But if your goal is to allow her to be free and have sex with someone other than you, then you are on a really good path to make that happen. Her relationships before you are none of your business. Making her apologize so many times is ridiculous.

[Pboy87]

Hmmm.. But it wasn't about her past relationship.. If she went there alone I wouldn't have bothered... But taking me to the place where she had her past sex life is what is bugging me as its created graphic images in my head as I now know what the house and room looks like where she had sex with someone else and I even met that guy once before through other friends.. and I really want to get it out but don't know how..

Get over and move on. It really isn't worth the stress you are bringing to the relationship. But if your goal is to allow her to be free and have sex with someone other than you, then you are on a really good path to make that happen. Her relationships before you are none of your business. Making her apologize so many times is ridiculous.

[JoeCanada76]

First - She was not being insensitive. She was inviting you to a party.

Second - You are your worst enemy.

Third - It is you that is creating these images, and using your imagination for something that should not even matter.

Who cares if it's the ex's house. Who cares if they had sex in that house or not.
I think you are the one that needs to apologize to her.

The thing is, its her ex. So if this creates so much hate in you, and you let your imagination run away from you. You create this hostility towards her already. You need to let go of all these feelings.

It is sounding like you are the controlling type. If you do not have the control then you will be angry and create hostility in this friendship. It is horrible that you have made her feel bad about something that is not even her fault.

You also stated you only see her once a month. Well LDR, are hard and difficult but you really hardly know this girl, and you are freaking out over something that should be no big deal.

Just a bit of advice regardless of what kind of relationship you are in. The harder you try to control somebody the harder you hold onto something. The more likely it will slip away and leave you for good.

Do you go to school? Do you have a job? Do you volunteer? You need to occupy your time with other things and not obsess over things that you can not control.

This is not her problem. She was not being insensitive and you are the one creating your own hostility within yourself and towards her with your own insecurities. Its not fair to her.

I am inclined to say if you can not get passed it, it would be in both your best interests to end the relationship. You need some growing to do, and she does not need to feel bad for something that has nothing to do with her.

[Oliver2011]

You have answers from JoeCanada and me now that basically say the same thing - you are in the wrong. And honestly, if someone I was with treated me like you do to this girl, I wouldn't be with you long. So either correct stuff, or be alone in the very near future.

[smoothy]

I'm with Oliver and Joe... there is so much wrong with what you said and did... I don't know where to start. But they both did a great job of doing it so I'll leave it at that.

You aren't ready for arelationship if you feel a need to behave like that, ever. Nobody that has a shred of self respect would allow someone to treat them like that.

I mean cripes... just look at your other threads... you got issues dude. Get some help. Before your jealousy and control issues evolve into violent tendencies that land you in jail. Its not too late yet.

[Pboy87]

Thanks for your reply. And I completely see the point that the others are making too.. I don't understand where I have wronged her or ruined her self respect. I didn't like that fact she took me to a place where she had sex with someone else for a period and she understood that and apologised.
Though.. keep aside the other threads of mine. Those were regarding someone else when I had other issues. This is no way connected and I have come a long way since. Thanks.

I'm with Oliver and Joe.....there is so much wrong with what you said and did....I don't know where to start. But they both did a great job of doing it so I'll leave it at that.

You aren't ready for arelationship if you feel a need to behave like that, ever. Nobody that has a shred of self respect would allow someone to treat them like that.

I mean cripes....just look at your other threads.....you got issues dude. Get some help. Before your jealousy and control issues evolve into violent tendencies that land you in jail. Its not too late yet.

I don't exactly understand how I treated her wrong? I was upset that she took me to a place where she had sex with someone else over a period and she saw my point of view and apologised.

You have answers from JoeCanada and me now that basically say the same thing - you are in the wrong. And honestly, if someone I was with treated me like you do to this girl, I wouldn't be with you long. So either correct stuff, or be alone in the very near future.

[smoothy]

Glad they aren't... I didn't say that to be mean... but I've seen behaviours in your post that I've seen in other people I've known in the past... and I saw where those ended up, they get worse... not better because you convince yourself you are right thinking that way...

First... you are seeing this the wrong way... its a house... just a house... nothing more. Pushing her to appologize for not doing anything wrong (and she didn't do anything wrong there)... is going to come back and bite you... I'm sure she's already harboring resentment for being pushed to do that. SHe just hasn't let it be known yet... to you anyway.

If she kissed someone in a Shopping Mall... would you have to avoid that shopping mall forever? Or if she kissed someone in her car... would she have to sell her car just to make you happy? See the point there?

I'm sure you did something years ago that she wouldn't be happy about (pick one... everyone has plenty)... would she be right for hounding you about it years later?

[Pboy87]

hmmm.. the way you frame it now it seems different.. And I asked her not to apologize for it.. ( as the thing has already been done and can't be changed.. ).. I asked her for some space and she kept apologizing..
And anyway, This isn't some random mall or some random guy.. this.. according to her.. was the only place she ever had sex before in her life.. So that's why its affected me so much..

Glad they aren't...I didn't say that to be mean...but I've seen behaviours in your post that I've seen in other people I've known in the past.....and I saw where those ended up.

First...you are seeing this the wrong way....its a house.....just a house...nothing more. Pushing her to appologize for not doing anything wrong (and she didn't do anything wrong there).....is going to come back and bite you....I'm sure she's already harboring resentment for being pushed to do that. SHe just hasn't let it be known yet...to you anyway.

If she kissed someone in a Shopping Mall.....would you have to avoid that shopping mall forever?

[smoothy]

hmmm.. the way you frame it now it seems different.. And i asked her not to apologize for it ..( as the thing has already been done and can't be changed ..).. i asked her for some space and she kept apologizing..
And anyway, This isnt some random mall or some random guy .. this ..according to her.. was the only place she ever had sex before in her life.. So thats why its affected me so much..

It really shouldn't be bothering you... seriously... it shouldn't. If it was last week... maybe... but before you started dating her... it shouldn't , at all.

[Pboy87]

Thanks for explaining it that way..
I will try and get over it.. but it is bothering a bit as it was the only place she ever did it.. and she showed me the bedroom and all.. so.. a bit weird and graphic..
Anyway, I just took a pic of ours and designed it up and made modifications on it and sent it to her telling her that she is important to me and we are talking again now. I didn't speak to her since the past 12 hrs as I needed some space and hence needed help here..

It really shouldn't be bothering you.....seriously....it shouldn't. If it was last week.....maybe...but before you started dating her...it shouldn't , at all.

[smoothy]

If you need something to keep your perspective on the subject until you learn in your heart to let it go... think of the most embarrassing thing you ever did, something you hope you go to your grave without someone ever finding out... and then magine someone teasing you about it... years later.

[Pboy87]

Woah.. that's weird.. thinking of that compared to this.. hahaha. How is it even related or similar? Or is that the point? That its not even remotely related?

If you need something to keep your perspective on the subject until you learn in your heart to let it go...think of the most embarassing thing you ever did, something you hope you go to your grave without someone ever finding out..........and then magine someone teasing you about it......years later.

[smoothy]

woah.. thats weird.. thinking of that compared to this.. hahaha. how is it even related or similar?? or is that the point?? that its not even remotely related??

But I bet it works...

Doesn't HAVE to be related... what happened before you... happened before you... and vice versa for either of you.

I only glanced at the other threads... so I don't know how old your are... I'm hoping you are pretty young... you will normally outgrow this way of thinking over time... usually by the mid 20's. If you are much older than that.. then I suggest counseling.

[Oliver2011]

Seriously if you keep bringing it up to her over and over again, that is just SO wrong on so many levels. And I think you do because, in your words, she has "apologized so many times."

I don't know this girl, but I do feel very bad for her. In a relationship you are supposed to make your partner feel good about things. You are making her feel lousy. Let this girl find someone else. You don't deserve her (or anyone right now).

[Pboy87]

I didn't bring it up over and over. It started about 12 hours ago. And I stopped talking to her about 10 hours ago because I needed my space and she kept messaging in that time about how she was sorry and I asked her to stop doing that. And I post this here so I get help from you guys.
Anyway, been 2 hours since I'm talking to her again.. made her a special photo modified from one of our old photos and told her she is special for me. I am trying to get over the whole thing as it was the only house she ever had sex in before. But I did get the help I needed . I just need to get over it completely now. Which may take some time.

Seriously if you keep bringing it up to her over and over again, that is just SO wrong on so many levels. And I think you do because, in your words, she has "apologized so many times."

I don't know this girl, but I do feel very bad for her. In a relationship you are supposed to make your partner feel good about things. You are making her feel lousy. Let this girl find someone else. You don't deserve her (or anyone right now).

[Oliver2011]

You should buy that house, move in, and live nowhere else the rest of your days. That way you can obsess on this issue for your remaining days. Granted you will be alone and think of nothing else, but at least that will save the women that come in contact with you.

Sorry, but again your actions and words leaves me not respecting you at all and feeling very sorry for the women who come in contact with you.

[talaniman]

Some feelings you get are best dealt with where they started, in your own mind and not visited or expressed to someone who may not get what you are going through. As you see none of us see this as a really big deal and no reason to be so carried away.

Its your responsibility to deal with your own feelings in positive ways or you are just not ready for the responsibility that having a relationship requires. Think before you act or speak, and keep your own fears and insecurities under control so you can let goof the small stuff, and NOT making it bigger than it should be. You are dwelling too much over things you can't control.