[Homegirl 50]

I will repeat this again. If you two are not going to sit down and talk about this problem you are not going to make it. If you have a concern, she ought to be willing to discuss it, the fact that she refuses to is problematic. I think the problem is not just about sex. She is either mean or dense if she does not think rubbing all over you then turning away is wrong. Maybe she likes the idea of having a boyfriend of living with you and a chance of a future, but this relationship does not sound right. You two need to have your own place and maybe connect on the weekends or something. If she is a healthy young lady and you two are in love, something is wrong if you are begging for sex. You need to talk about this to her, not to us. We have already told you what you need to do.

[1102568]

I will repeat this again. If you two are not going to sit down and talk about this problem you are not going to make it. If you have a concern, she ought to be willing to discuss it, the fact that she refuses to is problematic. I think the problem is not just about sex. She is either mean or dense if she does not think rubbing all over you then turning away is wrong. Maybe she likes the idea of having a boyfriend of living with you and a chance of a future, but this relationship does not sound right. You two need to have your own place and maybe connect on the weekends or something. If she is a healthy young lady and you two are in love, something is wrong if you are begging for sex. You need to talk about this to her, not to us. We have already told you what you need to do.

You are right, I guess you guys cannot know what the problem is and cannot answer it for us. I need to talk to her, I'm going to ask her once and for all, she needs to know that I am seriously expecting an answer...

[Homegirl 50]

Well don't come at her demanding anything. You tell her this is important and you two need to talk about this. If she does not care enough to discuss something that is important to the relationship, you two need to rethink the relationship.
There are times when she may not feel like sex and you should respect that, but if this is an ongoing thing, if you two are not compatible sexually, that is going to be a big problem. If she thinks it's OK to tease you sexually and then turn you away, she has a problem.
I think your relationship has just come to a stand still. It's not anybody's fault, it's just the way it is. It's time to move on or at least talk about it.

[JudyKayTee]

I think a large part of the problem is your attitude - it seems to be about winning or losing, controlling or not controlling. You "seriously EXPECT an answer?" Unless she's 3 years old, I think you're out of line.

[1102568]

I think a large part of the problem is your attitude - it seems to be about winning or losing, controlling or not controlling. You "seriously EXPECT an answer?" Unless she's 3 years old, I think you're out of line.

I meant that normally she doesn't take me seriously when I bring things up, she needs to know that I am being serious and I do expect her to answer instead of making excuses not to answer. I cannot make her answer but she needs to know that not talking about it does not help the situation.

[talaniman]

Go sleep on the couch. Why do you keep dismissing the most obvious method of showing how serious you say you are? No, you rather confront and argue and force her to give in.

Remove yourself from the situation and see what happens. Whacking off is optional.

You both will learn to communicate, or live apart. Actions speaker louder than words sometimes, and why fight about it, or argue? Forcing a female to service you is NOT love and maybe better ways to deal with your lack of bedroom attention is what you need.

Hell if you want her to lay there and endure for 10 minutes, just say so.

[Homegirl 50]

I think her lack of not wanting to talk about it is really the issue, not so much his wanting it.

I say you two live in separate places, take a break form each other,

[Cat1864]

I meant that normally she doesn't take me seriously when I bring things up, she needs to know that I am being serious and I do expect her to answer instead of making excuses not to answer. I cannot make her answer but she needs to know that not talking about it does not help the situation.

When she was not in the mood she would love to give me oral. Now however, I get rejected when I initiate sex, she says 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache'. She doesn't initiate sex either and we can go a whole week until we do and even then I'm sure she doesn't actually want sex, she's just doing it to make me happy. She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. This really makes me upset. I don't demand sex and I could live with the frequency, I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too. I have talked to her about it multiple times and she says that she has been very stressed and tired lately.

Now you are saying she doesn't take you seriously when you try to talk to her. You don't listen. In your first post, you talked and she said she is tired and stressed. In a later post, you talked to her again and she told you why she is tired and stressed.

What more can she do or say to tell you to back off on wanting sex every week and not to expect her to satisfy all of your needs?

Can you go two weeks without getting her to have some type of sexual contact? She has been pleasing you and dealing with everything else for quite a while now. When does she get to take care of her needs? When does she meet up with her friends to unwind and re-energize? Is the roommate doing his part now or that still part of her stress?

This is very classic pressure to have sexual contact has turned into a libido killer.

You can try talking to her again but until you listen and pay attention to what she says instead of putting your own thoughts and meanings to her actions, You aren't going to get anywhere. If she has given up trying to talk with you, it is going to take some time for her to feel comfortable trying to say anything about how she feels. I would ask her about the teasing. It is a recent development and may be a way to open the door to other subjects.

[JudyKayTee]

I not only see this as a libido killer - it's a relatioship killer.

[1102568]

Posted by talaniman; Go sleep on the couch. Why do you keep dismissing the most obvious method of showing how serious you say you are? No, you rather confront and argue and force her to give in.

Remove yourself from the situation and see what happens. Whacking off is optional.

You both will learn to communicate, or live apart. Actions speaker louder than words sometimes, and why fight about it, or argue? Forcing a female to service you is NOT love and maybe better ways to deal with your lack of bedroom attention is what you need.

Hell if you want her to lay there and endure for 10 minutes, just say so.

None of you are listening, I said that I have learned to deal with the lack of sex now, I just get on with it. My original post was cleared as I realized that it was my attitude problem. This new post was merged with the last one, so I understand why you people are misunderstanding this new post. I don't know who merged it. This new question was about the fact that once I didn't care for sex as much she was all over ME (not the other way round) and only once all of her playfulness turned me on (even though my mind didn't want it as I was going to sleep) I tried engaging in sex with her as she seemed to want it and then she said she was tired again. It seems that she likes me to want her and pester her for sex and rejecting me. Why would she do this when I clearly am not interested, she obviously doesn't want sex either if she says she's tired? It's like she does it for controlling me or gaining the upper hand or some sort of power thing which I feel is wrong. Should I play along with it or wait it out until she does this again and just stick to going to sleep like my original plans? If I am not in the mood only to be played with until aroused and then rejected seems a little evil to me.

[JudyKayTee]

"You people"?

Your threads were merged because one provides history for the other. You cannot reinvent yourself on AMHD.

It's all been said - you are playing, "I'm in charge, no, I'm in charge" in the bedroom, possibly in all other aspects of your life.

You've been going to let her know you're serious for how many days? If you played the "I'm serious and so you'd better ..." card with her and she still keeps on keeping on, why are you there?

What are you not understanding about what's been said to you?

My thinking - first girlfriend, first sex, hard to let go and start all over again.

[talaniman]

Not listening?? Do you listen to yourself? Rejection can be frustrating, and its worse when you think you have been played with. But you keep going along when you get aroused and rejected instead of going to sleep on the couch.

Your whole attitude makes YOU your own worst enemy. Stop whining about being played and frustrated and take your time and learn how to deal with it, or what's the point?

[1102568]

"You people"?

Your threads were merged because one provides history for the other. You cannot reinvent yourself on AMHD.

It's all been said - you are playing, "I'm in charge, no, I'm in charge" in the bedroom, possibly in all other aspects of your life.

You've been going to let her know you're serious for how many days? If you played the "I'm serious and so you'd better ..." card with her and she still keeps on keeping on, why are you there?

What are you not understanding about what's been said to you?

My thinking - first girlfriend, first sex, hard to let go and start all over again.

I never said 'you people' that is a very derogatory term. I've decided to just not have sex ever until she wants it. I think she does have a problem with me being in charge in the bedroom and I have a problem with her being that way too. Why should I let go when she loves me and I love her?

Not listening??? Do you listen to yourself? Rejection can be frustrating, and its worse when you think you have been played with. But you keep going along when you get aroused and rejected instead of going to sleep on the couch.

Your whole attitude makes YOU your own worst enemy. Stop whining about being played and frustrated and take your time and learn how to deal with it, or what's the point?

Okay, so I should just stick to my original plan of sleeping, note taken. I'm not going to sleep on the couch though, that would seem that I am falling out with her when I am not, I will just go to sleep.

[Homegirl 50]

"You people"?



My thinking - first girlfriend, first sex, hard to let go and start all over again.

This is it in a nutshell IMO. Neither of them want to let go.

[JudyKayTee]

Someone is hacking your account: " ... so I understand why you people ..."

[Cat1864]

I never said 'you people' that is a very derogatory term. I've decided to just not have sex ever until she wants it. I think she does have a problem with me being in charge in the bedroom and I have a problem with her being that way too. Why should I let go when she loves me and I love her?

Just for clarification since I know sometimes a phrase pops up that you didn't intend. You did say 'you people':

This new post was merged with the last one, so I understand why you people are misunderstanding this new post.

This whole thread is about you getting what you want whether it is sex or to be the dominant person in all aspects of the relationship.

Love isn't always enough if partners can't communicate. Communication is a two-way process. You have to be open to listening to her side as much as you want her to listen to you. I think you keep asking but when you don't hear the words you want, you say it is her fault. She doesn't want to talk, she gives excuses for not wanting to talk, she doesn't take me seriously, etc.

Look at how you respond to us. We try to give you advice, but it takes dozens of posts to get you to understand you need to back off. You come back with a story about her teasing you. We tell you to talk to her. But you keep going on about whether to play games.

I do not know if she is teasing or if you are being overly sensitive to her cuddling and showing affection. The only way to understand what is going on is to talk with her. But you have said you don't want to ask her about it because then she will know it bothers you. How do you work on any issues if you are afraid she will see you as being 'weak'?

Do you see her as being weak or less than an equal with you?

[1102568]

Just for clarification since I know sometimes a phrase pops up that you didn't intend. You did say 'you people':



This whole thread is about you getting what you want whether it is sex or to be the dominant person in all aspects of the relationship.

Love isn't always enough if partners can't communicate. Communication is a two-way process. You have to be open to listening to her side as much as you want her to listen to you. I think you keep asking but when you don't hear the words you want, you say it is her fault. She doesn't want to talk, she gives excuses for not wanting to talk, she doesn't take me seriously, etc.

Look at how you respond to us. We try to give you advice, but it takes dozens of posts to get you to understand you need to back off. You come back with a story about her teasing you. We tell you to talk to her. But you keep going on about whether or not to play games.

I do not know if she is teasing or if you are being overly sensitive to her cuddling and showing affection. The only way to understand what is going on is to talk with her. But you have said you don't want to ask her about it because then she will know it bothers you. How do you work on any issues if you are afraid she will see you as being 'weak'?

Do you see her as being weak or less than an equal with you?

Looks like I did say 'you people' then, it wasn't intended to offend anyone :s. She IS teasing me, and I understand that we need to talk, It's not just about want anymore. I have backed off about sex, I realized how childish and selfish and needy I was being and I have since chilled. But I have now noticed that there is this weird oppressive thing going on. I am fine with going without sex for a while, but reminding me that I can't have it even when I don't want it is a little dominant in the aggressive kind. I would be fine taking a step back in the bedroom and letting her be dominant every now and then, but not in this negative/aggressive way, I am an equal to her, so I believe. But she doesn't seem to be treating me that way. I feel that she has probably lost respect for me and the only way to get it back would be for me to assert myself and to not put up with her attitude. Before I do something as drastic as that I need to try talking to her again, and I am obviously failing at this part so I am going to need a bit of help.How would I approach the subject to her without starting an argument?

[JudyKayTee]

How about "I need to talk to you about something?"

Or here's a better idea - print out this thread and hand it to her. I think "we've" had this conversation for about 70 posts now and it's gone nowhere.

[talaniman]

Oh stop worrying about it your lack of understanding of your female will drive her away soon any way. All your posts come back to what she should be doing for you and sounds like a petulant child whining about a cookie he can't have, and ready to throw a hissy fit.

You seem to be too selfish to see it. I am willing to bet you have missed everything she has ever said to you and know nothing of her mind, and how it works. You are a LOUSY listener. Most selfish insecure people are.

Make love to her mind and the body will follow, or get a female who is basically easier for you to understand.

[1102568]

Oh stop worrying about it your lack of understanding of your female will drive her away soon any way. All your posts come back to what she should be doing for you and sounds like a petulant child whining about a cookie he can't have, and ready to throw a hissy fit.

You seem to be too selfish to see it. I am willing to bet you have missed everything she has ever said to you and know nothing of her mind, and how it works. You are a LOUSY listener. Most selfish insecure people are.

Make love to her mind and the body will follow, or get a female who is basically easier for you to understand.

I am sensing that you are hostile to me. I think you have not understood my character at all even though I would have thought that it would be easier to do so with a second-person perspective. I am not self-centered at all, in fact, I came to this forum so that me and my girlfriend could be happier together. I did not, as you still seem to believe come here to find a way to get more sex out of her because I am selfish. I have explained (if you read correctly) that I can deal with the frequency of sex and initially I was worried about WHY the sex had diminished. NOW however, there is a different problem in the bedroom also NON-RELATED to frequency of sex.

'All your posts come back to what she should be doing for you and sounds like a petulant child whining about a cookie he can't have, and ready to throw a hissy fit.'

Why would I post on here about what I should be doing for her? If I am correct, this forum is called askmehelpdesk. I cannot ask about what I am doing for her to you, as I already know that and you do not. I can only ask questions here for myself so your point is invalid. I am also very offended by this post. Your previous advice, however, has helped a has reassured me that I can deal with whatever the reason for the diminished sex (I should repeat that the frequency itself was never a problem to start with). I understand that it seems that I am not listening to your advice (and any ones) because the post is now over 70 now as others have clearly pointed out. This is actually 2 posts, someone just merged them together. My initial question is dealt with and is now old. I am listening to everyones' suggestions when they are reasonable and not 'print this out and let her read it' etc...