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JudyKayTee · May 13, 2013, 09:52 PM

Well, as has been said, your change of attitude and heart didn't last very long.

Apparently your girlfriend is the dominant person in your relationship - and you allow that to happen.

I think relationships are a bad place to be playing games. If she can't trust you to say what you really think in bed, where can she trust you?

1102568 · May 14, 2013, 02:47 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Well, as has been said, your change of attitude and heart didn't last very long.

Apparently your girlfriend is the dominant person in your relationship - and you allow that to happen.

I think relationships are a bad place to be playing games. If she can't trust you to say what you really think in bed, where can she trust you?

Yes I agree it is bad to be playing games in a relationship. Do you think that she is playing games with me? Would I be just as bad as her if I retaliate it? Even if it would allow me to take the dominant role? If I bring this up in conversation and she is playing games with me she will know that it bothers me and she would feel empowered over me. Do I play along with her games or should I just ignore it and never let her know when I want sex and so she would have to come to me for it first? I'm so confused. I am dominant in every other aspect of the relationship and I have only just realized that she is using sex against me! All this time I thought that there was something wrong because of the lack of sex, and then I learned to just live with it, but now I'm aware it's a power struggle thing I can't just let her use sex as a weapon when it should be for love. I would never use sex as a way of controlling her or making her feel bad like she is doing with me, I feel like she is tainting the beauty of sex. Any advice?

Cat1864 · May 14, 2013, 04:52 AM

Originally Posted by 1102568

Yes I agree it is bad to be playing games in a relationship. Do you think that she is playing games with me? Would I be just as bad as her if I retaliate it? Even if it would allow me to take the dominant role? If I bring this up in conversation and she is playing games with me she will know that it bothers me and she would feel empowered over me. Do I play along with her games or should I just ignore it and never let her know when I want sex and so she would have to come to me for it first? I'm so confused. I am dominant in every other aspect of the relationship and I have only just realized that she is using sex against me! All this time I thought that there was something wrong because of the lack of sex, and then I learned to just live with it, but now I'm aware it's a power struggle thing I can't just let her use sex as a weapon when it should be for love. I would never use sex as a way of controlling her or making her feel bad like she is doing with me, I feel like she is tainting the beauty of sex. Any advice?

So, you think you should control everything in the relationship? What you have said is that you are the dominant person and she should be submissive to you because it isn't fair if she doesn't stay in her place. It taints the beauty of sex because you aren't the one making the decision. Is that really how you want to come across?

How about you treat her like an equal in all aspects of the relationship and expect her to do the same. Communicate with her. Work together.

I have a feeling that she is playing a game because you don't listen. Has she tried talking to you?

JudyKayTee · May 14, 2013, 06:39 AM

Cat said it better than I probably can - why does one of you have to be dominant in all aspects of your relatonship?

"She did it to me and so I'm going to do it to her" makes her look bad but makes you look worse.

I think if you both spent the time you are spending plotting to get even with one another on building the relationship you would both be a lot happier.

And if you don't want to be controlled and can't resolve your differences, get out!

1102568 · May 15, 2013, 07:45 AM

No, you've both got it wrong. I don't want to control her. She gets me aroused ON PURPOSE, waits for me to make a move and then says she is tired and makes me feel rejected. The other day I got rejected and she sensed that for once I didn't care and I was just going to sleep and THEN she was all over me wanting sex. It seems that she likes me to feel rejected. I don't want to do this to her at all. I have learned to accept that I can't have sex when she doesn't want it and I would feel okay to go without it on the occasions when she is not up for it. But she knows that I would like to have sex more often and she acts all sexy, kisses me all over and plays with my penis till I'm hard and wanting it (I would be okay if she then got me to climax) and then she yawns and goes to sleep. It is just this horrible on-purpose torture that bothers me.

JudyKayTee · May 15, 2013, 07:47 AM

Why do you put up with her behavior? Why you are still in the relationship would be a bigger question in my mind than why she behaves in this way.

Is she the only female in town?

talaniman · May 15, 2013, 07:56 AM

I think you like her treating you like a toy so you can pout over it. You don't seem to have the guts to get up leave and don't look back if indeed you think she is full of crap.

Don't cry about someone being unfair to you and you not doing something about it.

Homegirl 50 · May 15, 2013, 08:06 AM

Why are you still with her? I think one of you ought to move out and see if your friendship is strong enough to have a normal dating relationship. I think you were each other's first and she is bored but is not mature enough to say she wants out and you are so hung up on her you will take her treating you like she really does not want to be with you.
Break up and be done with it.

Cat1864 · May 15, 2013, 09:44 AM

Originally Posted by 1102568

no, you've both got it wrong. I don't want to control her. She gets me aroused ON PURPOSE, waits for me to make a move and then says she is tired and makes me feel rejected. The other day I got rejected and she sensed that for once I didn't care and I was just going to sleep and THEN she was all over me wanting sex. It seems that she likes me to feel rejected. I don't want to do this to her at all. I have learned to accept that I can't have sex when she doesn't want it and I would feel okay to go without it on the occasions when she is not up for it. But she knows that I would like to have sex more often and she acts all sexy, kisses me all over and plays with my penis till I'm hard and wanting it (I would be okay if she then got me to climax) and then she yawns and goes to sleep. It is just this horrible on-purpose torture that bothers me.

You missed my point. You are so focused on sex that you don't want to think about the rest of the relationship.

You say that you are the dominant person in the rest of the relationship. This is the only part where she plays dominance games, or is it?

You still do not seem to have given any thought to talking with her.

It all comes down to either talking to her and working out the issues, enjoy the games, or get out.

Venting might help, but if all you are doing is complaining to us instead of talking with her, you aren't going to get anything solved.

JudyKayTee · May 15, 2013, 10:27 AM

If you had not already taken a stand on Psychiatrists, which may or may not include all mental health professionals, I would suggest that you consult with one. There is some reason you stay with your girlfriend. Maybe you like being dominated in the bedroom. Maybe it's something else.

I think you should find out what the problem is and then do something about it.

Homegirl 50 · May 15, 2013, 10:58 AM

He said earlier that she will not talk about it so he lets it go. I don't think either of them want to admit that their first (sexual) relationship has gone or will go unless they do talk.

1102568 · May 16, 2013, 05:14 AM

The strange thing is, the relationship is 'perfect' otherwise. We are each others best friend and we are both very happy. She says that she would like to get married one day and have kids etc, and I feel the same way. I have had a few girlfriends in the past and they were nothing compared to the happiness I get being with her, but of course I was a lot younger back then and I was never in a sexual relationship like I am now. We love each other unconditionally and we can talk about anything (except for this). I really think that she is happy with me and I don't see why I would give up on an otherwise perfect relationship. We really do need to talk I know, and I want to, but the situation is as Homegirl 50 said, she just won't talk about it and it's frustrating. I'm going to act that sex is less of a priority to me and go a while without bringing it up/coming onto her for a while and see what happens, maybe she believes that I'm sex-mad? (I do really enjoy it).

Homegirl 50 · May 16, 2013, 05:40 AM

You should not have to pretend anything just because she does not want to talk about it. You two could be best friends but that does not mean you are compatible as a couple. A reasonable amount of sex is important to you and it does not seem to be important to her. The fact that she won't even talk about it and plays with you sexually is problematic.
The relationship is not perfect and wonderful because you two have this problem and until she wants to discuss it like two adults in a relationship, it's going to remain a problem.

1102568 · May 16, 2013, 05:45 AM

OR... I'm just not very good at it. I do have the ability to get her to climax, but this is only occasionally even with G spot stimulation with my hands, she gets 'almost' there right on the edge of climax until my forearm is in unbearable pain and I have to admit defeat. She never masturbated and still does not do so and maybe the lack of practice herself could be the reason why. I believe that if it isn't because of my performance maybe it's that she doesn't know how to relax and enjoy it, I don't know.

Homegirl 50 · May 16, 2013, 05:55 AM

Maybe she is just not as sexual as you, maybe she is not turned on by you, but you won't know if she will not discuss it with you. This is what mature couples do, they discuss the concerns of each other and try to work through them. She should not have to pretend and be different for you and you should not have to do it for her.
I say you two live in your own space and just be friends, see how that goes. I certainly could it be married to someone or live with someone who refuses to talk about a problem we're having.

talaniman · May 16, 2013, 07:23 AM

That's what happens when you get a good girl and expect her to be a slut in the bedroom. Go sleep on the couch and whack off if you are so frustrated and cannot talk to your partner.

JudyKayTee · May 16, 2013, 08:24 AM

11102568, I think it's all been said - more than once, in fact - but you need to read what you've posted with clear eyes, the eyes of a stranger. At best your girlfriend has been ambivalent toward you from the very beginning. Sex is a problem. Sex isn't a problem. You critique her sexual performance - she either isn't good at or doesn't like being "on top." I think you are being very unrealistic about your happiness in this relationship. I don't know if you are having problems letting go because it's your first sexual experience or if it's something else.

You need to take a look at what you've posted (sorry, I'm an investigator, that's what I do): "“I met her and instantly fell in love with her... I was always the one chasing her and asking if she wanted to meet up for this and that. She NEVER ended an evening of hanging out saying that she would like to see me the next day... She was very shy and quiet however and was more of a listener and would very rarely open up to me... I broke down in front of her and said that I loved her, this clearly scared her and she obviously didn't feel the same for me after such little time and she went back to her accommodation... This made me very upset and my girlfriend got very angry with them and decided to stay with me over them... to avoid contact with her old friends she would sneak out late at night to have a shower at her old place without being seen... she however, tried it on the top a few times and she was bad at it... She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret... I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too... I am starting to wonder whether she is attracted to me, I asked her and she says that she is, just I am too 'comfortable'... I am just unsure if this is the person I could marry in the futureI am completely happy... I find her very attractive on top and I like her performance quite a lot... she just doesn't feel confident and doesn't like the position very much... All relationships are bound to loose spark as the individuals get comfortable around each other and it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with the relationship or a lack of love.. I get the impression that she has the signs that she is getting bored or losing interest... I never said she was bored... Giving up is the easy thing to do and I would not have needed to post about it if I was going to do that... I do not see the lack of sex as the problem though”

Homegirl 50 · May 16, 2013, 08:59 AM

This is not a solid relationship. I think neither of you want to be the first to say enough. I don't think she is happy with you and you are willing to settle with her. It's time to walk away .

1102568 · May 16, 2013, 10:43 AM

@judyKayTee, I understand what you are saying but sex was never the problem for me, everyone here seems to think that I only care about having sex more often. I failed to get my point across. It was the frequency that I was worried about, not that I would like it more often (more often would be a bonus though) but rather that I thought it was a bad sign in the relationship. And I was never the one to tell her that she was bad on top, I like her on top, but she was feeling insecure about it and that she felt like she was bad at it and preferred me on top, I tried to encourage her that she was very good at it and that it turned me on. Thank you for being an investigator and taking the time to read though.

@Talaniman, She is a very nice girl and I do not find slutty Megan Fox type girls attractive, I find them dirty in a bad way. I do not expect her to act like one at all. And like I have just cleared up, I am only worried about the frequency, like there is a negative reason in the relationship for the lack of it (more sex wouldn't be bad however).

@Homegirl 50, She seems to be very in love with me, we hug and kiss many times a day and she tells me that she loves me even without me saying it first to her and she really is willing to settle too I know this for sure.

talaniman · May 16, 2013, 11:06 AM

It doesn't feel right to me that she gains some power over me when it comes to sex, why can I only get it when it feels right for her and it doesn't matter the other way round you know? I feel very Emasculated when I get rejected. Also, would any women like to shed some light on whether this tactic would work on them and guys, has this worked for you?

When you ask these kinds of questions then what are we supposed to think? How would YOU answer a question like this?

Go sleep on the couch and whack off is my answer, and let your tired female sleep in peace.