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    1102568's Avatar
    1102568 Posts: 65, Reputation: -1
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    #1

    Apr 16, 2013, 10:09 PM
    Girlfriend of 2 years losing interest? Lack of affection and sex less often.
    I'm going to start from the very beginning. We started University and within 2 months I met her and instantly fell in love with her. I was always the one chasing her and asking if she wanted to meet up for this and that. She NEVER ended an evening of hanging out saying that she would like to see me the next day and never said anything like 'so what are you up to Wednesday?' etc. She was very shy and quiet however and was more of a listener and would very rarely open up to me.

    After a few weeks a friend of mine let the cat out of the bag that I liked her and I thought that my chances of being in a relationship with her were very slim so I told her how I felt and asked her if she wanted to be with me, I wasn't going to get my hopes up and I expected a rejection. But I felt I had no choice as the guy stupidly told her. To my surprise she said yes. After a week or so of further hanging out together we hung out at my room (I was living in a student accommodation hall with about 30 other guys and she was from a small block of around 8 girls) and we got drunk one night and I said she could stay the night instead of walking back in the cold. She climbed in bed with me and we fell asleep. Days and weeks went by and she started living in my room and slowly clothes from her room migrated into mine and she moved in.

    We would have a lot of fun together and it was great and we made out a lot and we were both happy. It came to the point where I broke down in front of her and said that I loved her, this clearly scared her and she obviously didn't feel the same for me after such little time and she went back to her accommodation to give me some space and she was shocked for a while until she came back. One night as we were watching a film at mine, there was a knock at my door and it turned out to be one of her friends and she asked to speak to her in private. Basically this friend of hers said that her housemates were worried about her and had not seen her in weeks, which was true as she was spending all her time with me (I was not controlling her in any way, it was her own choosing) they said that there were other guys out there and that she should choose her friends over me. This made me very upset and my girlfriend got very angry with them and decided to stay with me over them.

    Living in an all male accommodation was very hard for her for going to the toilet etc and to avoid contact with her old friends she would sneak out late at night to have a shower at her old place without being seen. We lived like this until the end of the semester. A friend of mine heard that I was looking to move into a small house and she said there was a room I could rent that she was moving out of. I moved in and my girlfriend also ended up moving into a room there too as it would have been awkward for her to have moved back into her old accommodation after ignoring the girls there for so long.

    We have been together for almost 2 years now and are still living together. It took us 2 months before we had sex and we were both virgins. Sex was not great at the beginning but it was new for the both of us and extremely fun and sometimes we had sex twice a day. After a while I got more sexual confidence and tried different angles and positions and improved a lot, she however, tried it on the top a few times and she was bad at it and doesn't try it on top anymore, even though I thought it was very sexy. When she was not in the mood she would love to give me oral. Now however, I get rejected when I initiate sex, she says 'I'm tired' or 'I have a headache'. She doesn't initiate sex either and we can go a whole week until we do and even then I'm sure she doesn't actually want sex, she's just doing it to make me happy. She no longer pleases me in other ways during that week too and I have to jack myself off in my own room in secret. This really makes me upset. I don't demand sex and I could live with the frequency, I just would like to feel wanted and for HER to want sex too. I have talked to her about it multiple times and she says that she has been very stressed and tired lately. Myself confidence has diminished and I am starting to wonder whether she is attracted to me, I asked her and she says that she is, just I am too 'comfortable'. She moved in with me twice and she's calling me comfortable. I have thought about moving out or asking her to move out and rent somewhere else to solve this. I am really in love with this girl and I know that she loves me too. We often talk about a future together and kids etc, so I know that she is committed and plans on staying with me. I am just unsure if this is the person I could marry in the future, how will she feel a few years from now? I am completely happy, but I get the impression that she has the signs that she is getting bored or losing interest in the relationship. I know this was a very long post, but I thought that I should explain the whole story. I really need someone's advice. Thanks in advance.

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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Apr 17, 2013, 09:23 AM
    Dude, when the lust has worn off often what's left is a lack of proper communications since things have changed both in your living situation, social circle, and expectations and now is the time for honest communications to see if these conflicts can be resolved.

    Your bodies got you together but a meeting of the minds is what you build a life on.
    1102568's Avatar
    1102568 Posts: 65, Reputation: -1
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    #3

    Apr 18, 2013, 03:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Dude, when the lust has worn off often what's left is a lack of proper communications since things have changed both in your living situation, social circle, and expectations and now is the time for honest communications to see if these conflicts can be resolved.

    Your bodies got you together but a meeting of the minds is what you build a life on.
    Thanks for the time to read this. I think you could be right about the communication. I believe I communicate adequately with her, it's just she seems to want to avoid talking about it and says she's tired/stressed/got a headache lately. Maybe she is telling the truth, but it's been like this for a few months now and I am really starting to worry. I know if I push her to tell me honestly she may get mad at me and it may cause more problems, especially if she thinks I just want sex, which isn't true. I could live with sex just twice a month, a lack of her wanting sex or initiating any form of intimacy is what really bothers me. I used to be very introverted and felt uncomfortable showing intimacy towards her, but over the course of these 2 years my intimacy and love for her has grown while hers seems to have diminished towards me.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Apr 18, 2013, 03:49 PM
    A lack of sex is but a symptom of a greater problem to be addressed in other areas of the relationship. If all you see as a problem is a lack of sex, then you are missing a bigger problem.

    In time those unresolved issues breed resentments, confusion, and anger.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #5

    Apr 18, 2013, 04:42 PM
    I'm a bit confused. You diagnosed someone with schizophrenia on another thread, so you must be in the psychiatric field, and a marvel in that field since no one can diagnose schizophrenia based on a few posts,when no actual medical professional could. How is it you can't diagnose your own issue?
    1102568's Avatar
    1102568 Posts: 65, Reputation: -1
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    #6

    Apr 19, 2013, 12:12 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Alty View Post
    I'm a bit confused. You diagnosed someone with schizophrenia on another thread, so you must be in the psychiatric field, and a marvel in that field since no one can diagnose schizophrenia based on a few posts,when no actual medical professional could. How is it you can't diagnose your own issue?
    I diagnosed someone else's issue as it sounded just like my sister when she started showing symptoms of schizophrenia, I am no doctor or psychiatrist. The boy asked for help and I answered his post as I have experienced this unfortunate illness 2nd hand through my older sister. Growing up with her for years, I can assure you that I understand far more about the condition than any doctor graduate that simply reads out of a book. Also, do you believe that doctors and psychiatrists have perfect relationships? I highly doubt it. I fail to see the point you are trying to make.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #7

    Apr 19, 2013, 07:32 AM
    Same question I've many times - why does anyone come on AMHD, taking the trouble to open an account, post inaccurate or inappropriate info (which all of us have done at one time or another) and then criticize and attack very well respected members who have answered thousands of questions?

    Ego? Something else?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Apr 19, 2013, 07:36 AM
    I diagnosed someone else's issue as it sounded just like my sister when she started showing symptoms of schizophrenia, I am no doctor or psychiatrist.
    You can have an opinion, as we all do, but your process of diagnosis is as flawed and dangerous as your non credentials, and lack of qualifications.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #9

    Apr 19, 2013, 08:52 AM
    Just caught this - "I diagnosed someone else's issue .."

    Dangerous and foolish.
    1102568's Avatar
    1102568 Posts: 65, Reputation: -1
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    #10

    Apr 19, 2013, 09:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    You can have an opinion, as we all do, but your process of diagnosis is as flawed and dangerous as your non credentials, and lack of qualifications.
    You are right, it is an opinion. Anyone who comes onto AMHD or any website for that matter looking for a diagnosis is stupid, they should seek the professionals. The boy asked for people's opinions and I am entitled to my own. And no I do not have an ego problem, I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it. And how is my advice dangerous? How is he going to be in danger for thinking that he may have schizophrenia? Of course he should seek professional advice, but knowing that he could have schizophrenia is a start. If I am right and he does actually have schizophrenia, there is nothing they can do about it anyway so my advice is no more important than anyone else's nor is it any more dangerous.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
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    #11

    Apr 19, 2013, 10:54 AM
    It wasn't an opinion - it was diagnosis and I'm quoting you: "Just caught this - "I diagnosed someone else's issue.. "

    I fail to see how your passive/aggressive comments and self-pity about your sister's illness and suggesting such a possibility to a stranger helps the stranger.

    And should people come to AMHD for medical advice? No, because people who don't have a clue might diagnose them and cause irreparable harm.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #12

    Apr 19, 2013, 11:09 AM
    The real issue is you taking a lack of sex by your partner as a lack of interest in YOU. My advice was to look deeper than the lack of sex.
    1102568's Avatar
    1102568 Posts: 65, Reputation: -1
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    #13

    Apr 19, 2013, 11:49 AM
    Thank you talaniman
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #14

    Apr 19, 2013, 12:09 PM
    Perhaps your girlfriend is stung by your feelings that she's "tried it on top" but "isn't very good at it," particularly when this criticism comes from someone who was a virgin before he met her.

    Or perhaps she simply doesn't like/love you any more. There's a lot of that going around.

    Or maybe you aren't as skilled as you think you are.

    Or maybe she thinks you are thinking of your relationship as a controlled experiment.

    Or maybe the relationship was fun when you were pursuing her. Now that you've "caught her" it's not as much fun for her. You said you always chased her.

    Or maybe love at first sight doesn't always last.

    Schizophrenia runs in families. Maybe she's concerned about your family's history, it's a medical concern for her and she needs to be reassured. People have posted on AMHD that they've ended relationships due to health concerns.

    You could always try asking her.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #15

    Apr 19, 2013, 02:40 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 1102568 View Post
    You are right, it is an opinion. Anyone who comes onto AMHD or any website for that matter looking for a diagnosis is stupid, they should seek the professionals. The boy asked for people's opinions and I am entitled to my own. And no I do not have an ego problem, I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it. And how is my advice dangerous? How is he going to be in danger for thinking that he may have schizophrenia? Of course he should seek professional advice, but knowing that he could have schizophrenia is a start. If I am right and he does actually have schizophrenia, there is nothing they can do about it anyway so my advice is no more important than anyone else's nor is it any more dangerous.
    The danger is that you diagnosed. You didn't say "You should see a doctor, a specialist" you told the poster that he has schizophrenia. You can't make that diagnosis, you're not qualified.

    Sharing your own experience is fine, that's what most of us base our opinions on, our past experiences, but diagnosing someone because you had a family member with similar symptoms, is dangerous.

    We don't diagnose on this site, and that's what you did. It's not allowed. Opinion is, but not a diagnosis. Do you see the difference?
    1102568's Avatar
    1102568 Posts: 65, Reputation: -1
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    #16

    Apr 20, 2013, 05:12 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Perhaps your girlfriend is stung by your feelings that she's "tried it on top" but "isn't very good at it," particularly when this criticism comes from someone who was a virgin before he met her.

    Or perhaps she simply doesn't like/love you any more. There's a lot of that going around.

    Or maybe you aren't as skilled as you think you are.

    Or maybe she thinks you are thinking of your relationship as a controlled experiment.

    Or maybe the relationship was fun when you were pursuing her. Now that you've "caught her" it's not as much fun for her. You said you always chased her.

    Or maybe love at first sight doesn't always last.

    Schizophrenia runs in families. Maybe she's concerned about your family's history, it's a medical concern for her and she needs to be reassured. People have posted on AMHD that they've ended relationships due to health concerns.

    You could always try asking her.
    Thanks for taking the time to answer the question and some valid points there. I find her very attractive on top and I like her performance quite a lot. I never told her it was bad, she just doesn't feel confident and doesn't like the position very much. I just assume that she thinks she's not very good. I know that she loves me, she tells me that she does and she often talks about the future with me, having children and marriage etc. Maybe you are right and I am not as skilled as I think I am. I can make her orgasm on occasion but I find it very difficult. Do you think she may not be satisfied with the frequency of them? I am very serious about the relationship and I don't think of it as a controlled experiment, and I want to be with her in the future after university if possible. I agree about the chasing, I think the relationship is far less exciting now we're moved in together. The joke about schizophrenia made me laugh, but if you're being serious, I think that it doesn't bother her at all. She hasn't met my sister yet either, but it will be interesting/worrying to see her reaction to her condition.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #17

    Apr 21, 2013, 07:23 AM
    I think you two jumped in to sex and living together too soon, especially since you two were inexperienced. She gave up friends and who knows what else to be in this relationship with you. Maybe she stayed all this time because you were her first and she does not want to feel like this time was for naught.
    I think you two need to step away from each other (at least not living together) and give each other some breathing room. I'm thinking she is unhappy but does not want to admit even to herself that she is unhappy. The sex was fun and new at the beginning but she is just not into it any more and she may not be as in to you anymore.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
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    #18

    Apr 21, 2013, 08:06 AM
    Homegirl said it all, and well.

    And, no, I wasn't joking about your sister's health. I'm not saying it did scare your girlfriend off. I am saying it could be a concern, particularly if she's not well informed. I'd suggest you and she do some research if this is the issue, but we all know that's not your style.

    And whether someone is "good" or "bad" at sex is totally in the eyes of the participants. I don't know how you can judge "good" and "bad" if you are also inexperienced.
    1102568's Avatar
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    #19

    Apr 22, 2013, 03:29 PM
    Thank you both for the input. I think homegirl could be right and I have considered moving out as a possibility. Maybe there is nothing wrong however and this is all just a sign that she's comfortable (in a good way) around me. All relationships are bound to loose spark as the individuals get comfortable around each other and it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with the relationship or a lack of love. For now I have decided to just see how things go as she doesn't seem to want to talk or doesn't think there is anything to talk about. Perhaps she is happy after all. Time will tell I guess. If anything happens, I'll be sure to post.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #20

    Apr 22, 2013, 03:58 PM
    The spark in a relation can fizzle a bit but when you get to where you want no sex and you don't even want to talk about it, there is a problem. That is not a sign of comfort. There is a problem when one person has a problem with something and the other doesn't. It means you are not on the same page, and when one does not even care to talk about it, well...
    You two need to talk.

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