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Secret_J · Mar 21, 2007, 10:29 AM

My current boyfriend “P” and I have been together for more than a year now. Everything is going great, minus the unexpected arguments that I am sure every couple goes through.

My ex-bf "M" and I do keep in touch but it’s very rare, and it’s ALL innocent. Maybe once every two weeks. He’s 3,000 miles away across the country and has a girlfriend of his own. I was with him for 3 years so he is a big part of my past, and we have history together. We ended on a very good note and are able to give each other advices on our current relationships, financial struggles, and life’s general occurrences. I want to tell Paul that I do, but at the same time scared to do so.

Is this wrong for me to keep in touch with my ex, “M?” I feel that I am doing something wrong but I know if I ever told “P” that we do keep in touch, though it may be VERY seldom, I know he’d freak out but I don’t know to what limit. “P” doesn’t keep in touch with any of his ex’s because his bond with me is the first “long term, serious” relationship he’s had and all of his past relationships have ended on a bad note, and all of them were short-term.

Please advise.

Wildcat21 · Mar 21, 2007, 10:51 AM

It comes down to how your current guy feels - if he wouldn't like it - don't do it. BUT, how much do you like your current guy?

I have a feeling you like the attention from the ex. That's the real reason women stay in touch.

To keep a HEALTHY relationship - end the communication with the ex.

Lowtax4eva · Mar 21, 2007, 11:45 AM

You could also argue that it's about trust, if he would freak out that your talking to an ex that you're a good friend with whose 3000 miles away he has trust issues.

Though, how old are you / him, if he's young and immature then he will freak out and maybe its not so great to be talking with an ex while your with him and he's important to you. If he's more mature he should be able to understand that your friends now.

Squiffy · Mar 21, 2007, 11:50 AM

I have remained friends with my ex husband, and we still see each other regularly. My current partner doesn't have a problem with it at all. There are no feelings of love or anything lie that between my ex and I, in fact our divorce hearing was today (which I filed for!) its just we had a life together and though we don't anymore, we don't feel the need to hate each other because of our differences. But we don't love each other either, I certainly don't need his attention! That made me chuckle. As long as all is innocent between you and the ex, I don't see a problem with it. Your curent partner may not like it, but really I would be offended if my paretner didn't like it as I would feel he didn't trust me.

talaniman · Mar 23, 2007, 07:55 AM

Red Flag Waving, If you don't trust this b/f to understand you and your life then why are you together? Talk and listen to each other. If he has trust issues... another RED Flag Waving. Feel him out on the subject and if it too much for him to handle.................................????

Wildcat21 · Mar 23, 2007, 12:07 PM

Well, it also depends are what her TRUE INTENTIONS are to keep this guy around.

I'd say RED FLAG waving for her current boyfriend - someone has to hang on to old boyfriends for Plan B, future, see what develops etc.

I've see nthis before... it can lead to hokk ups etc. - I know, not in every case.

But I really don't see the need to have guys/girls hanging around - I don't hink it's fair to her current guy where hehas another guy WHO MAY STILL CARRY A TORCH FOR HER HANGING OUT.

She may hang on to agaon - for attention - and hope.

brkfstatiffs · Mar 26, 2007, 03:14 PM

Originally Posted by Secret_J

My current bf “P” and I have been together for more than a year now. Everything is going great, minus the unexpected arguments that I am sure every couple goes through.

My ex-bf "M" and I do keep in touch but it’s very rare, and it’s ALL innocent. Maybe once every two weeks. He’s 3,000 miles away across the country and has a gf of his own. I was with him for 3 years so he is a big part of my past, and we have history together. We ended on a very good note and are able to give each other advices on our current relationships, financial struggles, and life’s general occurrences. I want to tell Paul that I do, but at the same time scared to do so.

Is this wrong for me to keep in touch with my ex, “M?” I feel that I am doing something wrong but I know if I ever told “P” that we do keep in touch, though it may be VERY seldom, I know he’d freak out but I don’t know to what limit. “P” doesn’t keep in touch with any of his ex’s due to the fact that his bond with me is the first “long term, serious” relationship he’s had and all of his past relationships have ended on a bad note, and all of them were short-term.

Please advise.

I say don't say anything to your current boyfriend, just keep the relationship between you and your ex quiet. This way you don't have to fear losing your man now, and won't have to worry about making things akward between you and the ex is the new man hates the idea. Besides, how do you know he doesn't keep in touch with his ex?

Marriedguy · Nov 13, 2007, 02:02 PM

Originally Posted by Secret_J

My current bf “P” and I have been together for more than a year now. Everything is going great, minus the unexpected arguments that I am sure every couple goes through.

My ex-bf "M" and I do keep in touch but it’s very rare, and it’s ALL innocent. Maybe once every two weeks. He’s 3,000 miles away across the country and has a gf of his own. I was with him for 3 years so he is a big part of my past, and we have history together. We ended on a very good note and are able to give each other advices on our current relationships, financial struggles, and life’s general occurrences. I want to tell Paul that I do, but at the same time scared to do so.

Is this wrong for me to keep in touch with my ex, “M?” I feel that I am doing something wrong but I know if I ever told “P” that we do keep in touch, though it may be VERY seldom, I know he’d freak out but I don’t know to what limit. “P” doesn’t keep in touch with any of his ex’s due to the fact that his bond with me is the first “long term, serious” relationship he’s had and all of his past relationships have ended on a bad note, and all of them were short-term.

Please advise.

There is no reason why you should be in contact with any of your exes. You have no kids together and there should be no bond. The fact that you haven't tole your current boyfriend about your contact with your ex should be a sign that something is wrong. If your ex can't call the house and ask for you, then you should end this contact quickly. If you guys speak when your current boyfriend is not around then something is very wrong. He is called and ex for a reason, you keep your past in the past, never bring with your past into a current relationship.

kuulski · Nov 13, 2007, 02:56 PM

The problem to me is not that you are in contact it's the fact that you haven't told your current which sounds like you are hiding something. How would you feel in his shoes?
I don't think maturity has anything to do with it either. If I am with someone and we are 2 gether and all of a sudden oh wait did I tell you me and my ex boyfriend who I was with for years still speak? Don't know sounds suspect to me.

Jiser · Nov 14, 2007, 07:52 AM

Sounds allright to me. If there is anything more going on then...

Speak to your boyfriend, ask him. If he doesn't like it then stop it.

3000 Miles though I think makes it a bit difficult for anything to happen either.

sixftbrit · Nov 14, 2007, 12:45 PM

The fact that you talk to your ex is fine, the fact that you lie by ommission is a red flag... why or how did you get into this situation, why didn't your current boyfriend know you talked to your ex? I'm good friends with many of my exs.. it has caused problems for me in the past, but actually thehealthiest relationships managed the situation well, and I was always able to chat in front of boyfriend to ex.

Having withheld the information for so long you might find it trickier to explain it retroactively, my suggestion is that you introduced your ex as a friend to your boyfriend, then be open about chats after that, he doesn't t need to know you have been doing it for years ;-0

Absolute honesty although desirable is not always the best path, and trust me I used to think it was, but sometimes, a palatable version of the truth can help one through a difficlut patch and help make mistakes become part of the past faster.

jolienoire · Nov 14, 2007, 02:12 PM

Originally Posted by Secret_J

My current bf “P” and I have been together for more than a year now. Everything is going great, minus the unexpected arguments that I am sure every couple goes through.

My ex-bf "M" and I do keep in touch but it’s very rare, and it’s ALL innocent. Maybe once every two weeks. He’s 3,000 miles away across the country and has a gf of his own. I was with him for 3 years so he is a big part of my past, and we have history together. We ended on a very good note and are able to give each other advices on our current relationships, financial struggles, and life’s general occurrences. I want to tell Paul that I do, but at the same time scared to do so.

Is this wrong for me to keep in touch with my ex, “M?” I feel that I am doing something wrong but I know if I ever told “P” that we do keep in touch, though it may be VERY seldom, I know he’d freak out but I don’t know to what limit. “P” doesn’t keep in touch with any of his ex’s due to the fact that his bond with me is the first “long term, serious” relationship he’s had and all of his past relationships have ended on a bad note, and all of them were short-term.

Please advise.

Will you be okay if he did this to you? That is the question...

dataguneed · Nov 14, 2007, 07:10 PM

Sure especially if you were friends with him before but make sure your friendship is strict

Jiser · Nov 15, 2007, 06:38 PM

Note: march 2007. Woops I didn't read.

MissVonDutch · Nov 16, 2007, 04:52 AM

Well if "P" told you that he had contact with his ex how would that make you feel? We all react in a way with it concerns the ex. It may purely be something innocent but do you really think your boyfriend will be easy with that. Put yourself in his shoes, what I believe is rather let the ex be the EX.

enigmagnetic · Nov 16, 2007, 02:58 PM

Originally Posted by Secret_J

My current bf “P” and I have been together for more than a year now. Everything is going great, minus the unexpected arguments that I am sure every couple goes through.

My ex-bf "M" and I do keep in touch but it’s very rare, and it’s ALL innocent. Maybe once every two weeks. He’s 3,000 miles away across the country and has a gf of his own. I was with him for 3 years so he is a big part of my past, and we have history together. We ended on a very good note and are able to give each other advices on our current relationships, financial struggles, and life’s general occurrences. I want to tell Paul that I do, but at the same time scared to do so.

Is this wrong for me to keep in touch with my ex, “M?” I feel that I am doing something wrong but I know if I ever told “P” that we do keep in touch, though it may be VERY seldom, I know he’d freak out but I don’t know to what limit. “P” doesn’t keep in touch with any of his ex’s due to the fact that his bond with me is the first “long term, serious” relationship he’s had and all of his past relationships have ended on a bad note, and all of them were short-term.

Please advise.

It's a simple as this. Relationships work when there is open communication, commitment and honesty. That means you tell him because it will make sure it keeps you two communicating and honest. Secondly, you have to make sure you tell him that he lives three thousand miles away and that it is seldom. If he is a reasonable and secure person then there shouldn't be an issue right?

sepirothdane · Jul 3, 2008, 06:52 PM

I believe what some others are saying about the situation..
I personally think it's wrong. You have a past with your ex-boyfriend, yes!
But you have to think that you left your ex for a reason.
I'm in the same situation as you're describing, but I'm on the males side.
I see her talking, laughing, when she talks to him. There's nothing about being immature about it. It's a fact of you left your ex to start a new journey. Right now as I'm going through the same thing I feel left out sometimes and I don't speak to my ex even though we'd ended with a good ending. I just feel if you're still talking to him and you laugh, and enjoy talking to him then why aren't you with him now?

Haha I laughed so much when I read your question, because my girlfriend was with her ex for 3 years, and he lives overseas hahaha. AND they ended on the goof foot, too..

NorthernNiceGuy · Jul 3, 2008, 10:50 PM

Pretty old question...