[AsherBlu85]

Hey... Ever since I could remember I've always been very opinionated and outspoken. I never really had thought about being like this until recently when I started hanging out with my cousins and some of their friends. Lately I've felt like being the way I am is wrong because it seems like no one around me is the same. I basically feel like this... if you're my friend and/or loved one, Im going to let you know how I feel about something whether Im nice or blunt about it. I never front and I try my very best to keep it real with people even when I know it may hurt them but I speak its from my heart and I care. So now Im in this battle within myself like maybe I should cool out some or change a little bit and the other part of me says F*#K THAT. This is me, this is how I am. If I have an issue I speak on it. If you come to mean with a problem I let you know what I think. I didn't its rude because I do not do things to hurt people(unless they do something to me or really piss me off) on purpose but apparently it's an issue with some. If anyone is like me or at least understands where Im coming from, please let me know how you feel.

[phillysteakandcheese]

Lots of people are proud to say they "tell it like it is" and don't mind being rude, blunt, or insensitive in talking to others.

While there are occasions where being blunt and insensitive can be the best way to communicate your thoughts to someone, always behaving that way shows a lack of judgement as to when tact, decorum, and empathy are much more important.

As you recognize this in yourself, I think you are probably in a good position to understand the impact you have on others and what you want them to take away from a conversation with you.

In this context, saying "F*#K THAT" is emotionally selfish... and something you don't want to give in to.

[kp2171]

Being of irish temper, and married to an italian woman, with a daughter who is latino/italian I can talk all day about being outspoken and vocal.

The short of it is you will need to learn to pick your battles. Being honest is usually a good, general quality. But needing to say how you feel isn't always. In fact, it can be quite selfish. You can use the disguise of being genuine to hide from the fact you are being mean or thoughtless.

How it can be good and bad at the same time... one example - I know a person who is a direct report to the president of his company. They are casual friends from working together for years. He is trusted to give opinionated advice. He's called the co prez spineless before. He calls the guy on things when he thinks he's being an idiot... and probably uses the word idiot. The result? He gets told info by the prez that he doesn't let others in higher positions know sometimes. His opinion is really sought after by the prez. Sound good?

Well.. he also is kept on a leash. He has been passed over for director positions. Prez doesn't think he has the self restraint to be in a highly public position. His career has directly suffered because he speaks his mind, even if he is "right". There is something to be said for TACT and for choosing your battles.

If hed shown a little more tact and a little more restraint, hed be in a more powerful position, doing the things he really wants to do, being paid a helluva lot more money. Was it worth it? He's told me maybe not... he wishes hed known better how to temper his delivery and to pick better when its time to make noise.

Some things to keep in mind.

1) as mentioned, pick your battles. There is honor, sometimes, in shutting the hell up. Even when you are "right". I have a friend who is engaged to a girl who drives me NUTS. But I don't think any of her "issues" are going to cause her to violate her vows, and HE seems to see her "quirks" as cute. I know another couple just like them who have been married over 35 years. People find their own kind of weird. My opening my mouth won't do anyone any good here. He's not stupid, just more tolerant of some things than me.

2) don't always need to have the last word. You can say what you think and not convert everyone in the room and still be OK. Your job shouldn't be to make everyone your clone.

3) think about your delivery. Sometimes you can say what you want but in a different way. This doesn't mean you are compromising your position or being untrue to yourself. It means you are working on yourself... expanding your communication skills. And if you don't think that's worth the effort, then you are ignoring the lost opportunities.

4) aw hell... I forgot my 4th point. Had one. Lost it.

You get the jist. Yes, its good sometimes, its bad sometimes. Being true yourself also means developing yourself and working on yourself. Doesn't mean you are broken. We all have skills we need to work on.

[kp2171]

Oh yeah

4) learn to read your audience. Know when you can take off all the filters and let loose. Know when you might need to sit back, shut up, and watch a little. Again... being true to yourself also means not screwing things up all the time.

Its easy to simply say what you want and then blame others when sh!t hits the fan. You were just being truthful, right? Wrong. You might have been stupid too. Or not.

So try to figure out your audience. Its an important skill.

[Born to be blonde]

Omg, I am so the same way. Some people say that its mean but don't ask if you don't want to here my awnser. I can be compassionate and loving but when it comes to issues I'm serious about I am really blunt. Why sugar coat it if you don't have to?

[lacuran8626]

I am very outspoken and among my closest family and friends, I am just like everyone else. If they don't agree, they say so. We have great debates that make me feel alive, and smart and heard. I often change my mind, learn a great deal and find more and reasons to respect these brilliant people.

I now live in Minnesota which is very influenced culturally by a more reserved Scandanavian way. People here tend to avoid conflict, are very nice on the surface, but I find often are more critical behind other people's backs. I always was taught that was rude, but here, they feel it's more rude to say these things to people's faces.

I think on my feet, but am surrounded by people who like to marinate about something for a period and declare their views later. I have little patience, and it's hard for me to deal with. For their part, they find it irritating to be preempted all the time by my instant resolutions to all topics and think I'm a know-it-all.

So, what to do.

I have learned to seek out other opininated people as friends. In business, I focus on my questions more than my suggestions when I'm among more reserved people. I often hold back on sharing ideas in public forums and will use other methods, such as sending an email later to the person who conducted the meeting, to both share my ideas and avoid looking like I'm taking over the meeting. I will ask someone what they think of a particular topic before I share my opinion. Like I would not just spout off about the war in Iraq unless I knew how the other person felt about it first. I might still then share my opinion but in a softer manner. Like, "well, have you considered....whatever. I can't seem to get around that enough to change my mind about this." It's a lot less offensive than, "are you nuts? How could you think that?"- a comment that would be perfectly OK back home.

I do not subscribe to the philosophy that you can say anything you want to your family or closest friends. Here, you need to recognize the enormous emotional power you have over the other people. Think twice, speak once.

[AsherBlu85]

Thanks, I'll consider all of this for now on.

[AlanKinNA]

This sounds familiar to me. My heart felt reply is in the word "temper" Temper being that quality of steel which gives is tone, or in the case of emotions, that quality of ourselves which offers patience, understanding or compassion. Compassion may be closer to what I'm trying to convey. Patience, too. People are persons, too. I do understand (or read into) your words about not wanting to avoid hard truths. I wonder if you have read original accounts, or the origins of "tough love" - Be well. Eh? AK

[gypsy456]

It's not about what you say... it's about how you say it :) :)

[LisaB4657]

I just saw this thread and wanted to add something. It is perfectly acceptable to be opinionated and outspoken as long as you can deliver your opinions with some diplomacy. If you want to say something to someone that might be considered hurtful, then just think for a minute of another way you can put it that won't come across as hurtful.

No one is obligated to accept your opinions. So why deliver them in a way that will put someone on the defensive? If you are truly saying something that you feel is for their own good then deliver it in a way that will make them want to follow your advice rather than throwing something at your head.

[Lillian42]

There is a way to tell it how it is and be nice and sometimes there are just things that are not meant to be said. But then again one of my favorite sayings is say what you want because those who matter don't really mind and those who mind don't really matter.

[bluntkelly]

Hey..... Ever since I could remember I've always been very opinionated and outspoken. I never really had thought about being like this until recently when I started hanging out with my cousins and some of their friends. Lately I've felt like being the way I am is wrong because it seems like no one around me is the same. I basically feel like this... if you're my friend and/or loved one, Im going to let you know how I feel about something whether Im nice or blunt about it. I never front and I try my very best to keep it real with people even when I know it may hurt them but I speak its from my heart and I care. So now Im in this battle within myself like maybe I should cool out some or change a little bit and the other part of me says F*#K THAT. This is me, this is how I am. If I have an issue I speak on it. If you come to mean with a problem I let you know what I think. I didn't its rude because I do not do things to hurt people(unless they do something to me or really piss me off) on purpose but apparently it's an issue with some. If anyone is like me or at least understands where Im coming from, please let me know how you feel.

Every thing you have just written is exactly the same for me. I didn't classify myself as being blunt because when I do speak my mind I am never doing to hurt the person or people. Are you questioning yourself because you seem to be spending less time with friends and more time on your own or with family. Not that they are not great to spend time with but they really don't have a chose do they. I feel like some thinks like me niether everyday maybe we are not confident enough to realise that it is peoples problem how they react not ours and really believe we are not doing to be rude or nasty. Maybe too manypeople just go through life excepting things even if it is wrong and can't be bothered to rock the boat a little I'm with you changing F**k that you are not alone we just need to find more pps like us and our lives will be perfect I would really like to keep discusssing this with you if you want COLOR]

[AsherBlu85]

BluntKelly... THANK YOU!! Exactly since I worte this I started thinking before I speak but not too many changes. I love who I am and I came to realize that maybe I can be a little straight forward but when I do that I do because I care not because I don't care about folks and their feelings. I got them those too. I feel what you're syaing though and thanks again for helping me.lol :)

[JoeCanada76]

Omg, i am so the same way. some people say that its mean but dont ask if you dont want to here my awnser. i can be compassionate and loving but when it comes to issues im serious about i am really blunt. why sugar coat it if you dont have to?

I agree with this comment as well. I can be very loving and compassionate, but in the same token if it is something that I am series about I am blunt and do not sugar coat things. I guess it all depends on the situation. It can come off as rude or ignorant at times but it is well meaning.

Joe

[startover22]

Do you have an example. Say I was to tell you I bought the off brand of rice, what would you say. Or is it more on a serious note? I mean seriously, would you want to be disagreed with all the time. Treat others and say to others how you would want to be treated or have things said to you. That is the bottom line. If you don't mind being put in your place and you still think that person that put you there is cool, then keep doing what you are doing, if not, then there are some changes that need to be made... Good luck my sweet.

[kimberlyntony]

I'm told all the time that I'm to harsh, I too just tell it like it is. But over the years have run a lot of people off because of it. I have tried to soften the edges a little because as you, my intent is not to hurt people. But it does. I also realized it took a lot of energy so, for now, I try to put a positive tone to it and pick my battles. Good luck!

[bluntkelly]

BluntKelly........THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Exactly since I worte this I started thinking before I speak but not too many changes. I love who I am and I came to realize that maybe I can be alittle straight foward but when I do that I do becuase i care not because i dont care about folks and their feelings. I got them those too. I feel what you're syaing though and thanks again for helping me.lol :)

A few years ago I used to just run off at the mouth didn't as you say" think before I speak" now I listen better and yes I to think about what I say now that I am apparently more mature:rolleyes: as kimberlyntony says "pick your battles" the older I get the more I realise who you can get through to and who you can't. I've also realised that my opinion isn't the perfect answer and like me they will ultimetly do as they please.
If something really does my head in say for example : some one at work uses bowls for food preparation and only ever keeps stacking them on the bench and never washes them up and continually leaves it for every one else to wash up. After pointing this out to the supervisor only because it took me an hour wash up on Tuesday I was told that we are to work as a team and that she would talk to this person.
The next day it was still happening I addresses with the supervisor and said to her that what she is doing is not working as a team and that she is in fact chosing what jobs she wants to do not what has to be done and this is unfair to the rest of the staff. We all jump in and help her with her food prep why can't she wash up as she goes when not to busy. There was a lot more said but I must of articulated my case better because all of a sudden she was washing dishes. Yippee Some times rocking the boat pays off
Sorry for babbling on this has been my isssue for the week sounds little but if you are there it isn't she gets to go home on time every day when every day I don't leave till 10 to 15mins after I am suppose to sign off and I don't get paid for it so I feel it was a very valid point to made

Thanks for listening if you want to comment feel free have a good weekend:)

[bluntkelly]

Hey..... Ever since I could remember I've always been very opinionated and outspoken. I never really had thought about being like this until recently when I started hanging out with my cousins and some of their friends. Lately I've felt like being the way I am is wrong because it seems like no one around me is the same. I basically feel like this... if you're my friend and/or loved one, Im going to let you know how I feel about something whether Im nice or blunt about it. I never front and I try my very best to keep it real with people even when I know it may hurt them but I speak its from my heart and I care. So now Im in this battle within myself like maybe I should cool out some or change a little bit and the other part of me says F*#K THAT. This is me, this is how I am. If I have an issue I speak on it. If you come to mean with a problem I let you know what I think. I didn't its rude because I do not do things to hurt people(unless they do something to me or really piss me off) on purpose but apparently it's an issue with some. If anyone is like me or at least understands where Im coming from, please let me know how you feel.

Don't change just recreate your approach it may sound different to others but you are still being true to yourself some one once told me you have no control over peoples reactions if they choose to be hurt over something you have said then that is their choice so long as you know that that was not your intent and you let that person no then don't mind it any more and move on. Do not continue to justify your selve it is not the purpose of having an opinion in the first place some times to it is best to say agree to disagree
Some people seem to think that when you say something they don't like you mustn't care for them if only they understood it is the total opposite

[Homegirl 50]

There may be things that need to be said, but it doesn't mean they need to be said by you. You must ask yourself, who will this benefit? Am I voicing my opinion because I think MY opinion right or because it will be helpful to the person receiving it.
No matter how much truth you speak, if it is not done in love and void of conceit, you should probably keep your mouth shut.
Sometimes the wise man knows when to keep opinions to to him or herself.

[Picassa]

Great thoughts above on this issue. One other thing, if you always imagine yourself on the receiving end of your words in a similar siruation and you're OK with it, voice your thoughts. The older I get, I find the less I care about others' reactions to things I say; however, I need to also weigh my motivation for saying what I'm tempted to say. If it's purely self serving or potentially hurtful, most of the time I can shut myself up before it comes out. If it's for the sake of conversation, and I sense that others around me can handle an exchange of opinion, I'll voice it. Always consider your audience, as my mum used to say.