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    JofelixM's Avatar
    JofelixM Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 5, 2013, 01:39 PM
    Do I give up?
    I am 22 turning 23 this year. Recently me and my girlfriend officially broke up by her moving out of my house. We were together for over four years. I know she loves me. You don’t put in 4 years if you don’t love someone. We used to bring out the best in each other. I’d always encourage her and be by her side no matter what in the beginning it was unreal like I’d never thought love like this existed. It was that way for I’d say over 2 years. Then it went south. We started arguing over sex a lot because her mother made her take a birth control shot. It made her cold and she didn’t want to cuddle or anything. She’d always have blood coming out every two weeks or whatever remained cause of that shot. She took it twice and last almost a year. I couldn’t take it. Beforehand we had problems but we always resolved it, and ended up back together. But that time I broke up with her for a few months because I did not want to cheat on her or anything. But honestly I can’t imagine anyone who I’ve felt better making love with ever. Just the passion was crazy. I even tried talking to her about it but it didn’t work so I broke up with her before I did anything worse. Eventually I got back with her because I was never over her. Everything went back to normal we were fine and dandy until her father would always put her down over things. I tried helping her with but she'd never let me help.

    Then my mother would weigh down on me about college and work. We were always stressed out. All the time and took it out on each other. Over time it just got worse. I figured it better we end it before it got to the point we hated each other. But her father wanted nothing to do with her and her mother have no place for her. So I let her stay. That month was bad. My mom who (who we lived with) would always put us down or say something and it made me colder toward my girlfriend. Eventually I stood up for her. But things only got better a little as she started to want to be around all the time. I feel selfish now that I think about it she was stuck in that house. With only me to talk to and I complained about not being able to see my friends. Eventually I got fed up with it and left one night as she cried and said no. I regret this so much. Even though I had no intentions of cheating or anything I just needed a night out. I came back and she was mad never believing anything that happened. As time went by she would put me down a lot and make fun of my manhood. Until I snapped one day and pushed her cause she was pushing at my buttons so much and she knows she was.

    After that her mother sought out a bigger house to fit her in. I even went on craigslist to compare sizes. Just by getting pics (I’m not gay) it just picked at me as she tore me down. She found out eventually and kept calling me gay and such after a while she stopped but never let go of it. We seemed to be broken up but lived together. We had sex but barely. She wasn’t affectionate anymore. She was just gone, like I couldn’t feel her anymore. I felt alone even with her in the room.

    Then I found out she was talking to someone new for a few weeks and even sent him nudes as if she was moving on but still living with me. I confronted her and she left to her mom’s house and I told the guy everything about us living together and he stopped talking to her. I did it out of anger. She says she hates me now and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I even tried killing myself multiple times that week until I got admitted in the hospital for what happened and how I blamed myself heavily. I had to stay in a ward for a week or so until I wasn’t a threat to myself. She’s put me through the ringer a lot of times. We broke up 7 months after I went out for a day cause I feel she was talking to someone but she wasn’t or I never knew. Then we broke again because we fought a lot about never doing anything and this before I was 20. I had a job, but we used the money to see her while she was living with her dad for a few months. Those months were hard. After that break up it got bad but I drove to her house 3 hours away to tell her I love her. That day I realized I wanted to marry her, but I was barely 20. Then everything else seems like a blur to now to recent events delaying with her leaving and my suicide attempts.

    She keeps saying she doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore but how can you give up after 4 years. She says she tired of the cycle. I was about to finish school here and go to schooling in Austin away from distractions where it would be just me and her but she doesn’t believe me, she doesn’t think it will happen. She’s just blinded by another guy now who won’t even try anything for her who doesn’t want who she never met. The thought of it hurts me so much. I don’t know how to make it better or even how to get her back. I want to marry this girl.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
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    #2

    Apr 5, 2013, 02:40 PM
    The number of years with anyone doesn't really matter, when one doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. I was divorced after 7 yrs of marriage, with 2 small boys. I remarried for 30 yrs, now a widower.
    It happens to almost all of us, sooner or later. Four years is not a long time, compared with other couples being together much longer, and breaking up.
    I am sure you will meet others, make new friends, and get on with your life. Remember, it's not what happens today, it's all in how we handle it. You can move on. Good luck.
    JofelixM's Avatar
    JofelixM Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 5, 2013, 11:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by fredg View Post
    The number of years with anyone doesn't really matter, when one doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. I was divorced after 7 yrs of marriage, with 2 small boys. I remarried for 30 yrs, now a widower.
    It happens to almost all of us, sooner or later. Four years is not a long time, compared with other couples being together much longer, and breaking up.
    I am sure you will meet others, make new friends, and get on with your life. Remember, it's not what happens today, it's all in how we handle it. You can move on. Good luck.
    Thanks I really needed that. I mean it. I just wish I would've met this girl when I was done with schooling and found out what to do with my life... I really saw a future with her... I just hope one day our paths cross again... I pray and hope so much... This girl is special no matter how bad we ended up almost hating each other.
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    #4

    Apr 7, 2013, 01:48 PM
    Should I get revenge?
    My girlfriend of 4 years left me but before she did she was talking to a guy behind my back. I have her pw to everything and she doesn't know. Should I go in sabatoge her relationship with this guy who I don't respect at all after what he found out and still kept going with it. Also, should I reset all her pw's to. She has never met the guy either.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Apr 7, 2013, 02:24 PM
    NO you should not.
    Complain all you want, go out with your friends, buy something you don't need - but don't sabotage, or change passwords, or do anything unethical.
    Breaking up with you wasn't unethical. It hurts, it feels awful, you have horrible revenge fantasies - we all do - but don't ACT on them!
    Aside from being WRONG, they never work the way you think they will. They come back to bite you.
    And last but not least, she left you before even MEETING this guy!? She was going to leave you anyway, dude.
    We all go through this. Keep busy. Have all the fantasies you want, but not for more than 30 seconds every 30 minutes. OK??

    (And this should have been added to your other post about her.)
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #6

    Apr 7, 2013, 02:45 PM
    What you should do is email her and tell her, "I thought you should know I know your passwords for your phone, internet (and whatever else you have her passwords for), so that you can change them."

    Then you should leave her alone. Act with total integrity and move past the relationship.

    From every relationship, you should learn something that makes you a better person. Always be aware of that - if you become a worse person, you did it wrong. Even when you date the wrong people, there's usually a lesson in it you can use to improve yourself and build on your integrity. In this case, the lesson is how to be rise above the kind of behaviors the other two people are guilty of.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #7

    Apr 7, 2013, 02:49 PM
    Greenie from me
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Apr 7, 2013, 04:34 PM
    Sucks when things go sour in a relationship, no matter how long it was, but the best thing is walk away clean and disappear from her life and move forward, and not back. Doesn't matter if she changes her PW or not, just never use it. No excuses
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #9

    Apr 7, 2013, 05:14 PM
    I see now that you must have had two threads that were merged? I only responded to part of your story.

    Please know that you and your future girlfriends really need to own your own moods, behaviors and decisions. For example, if a woman is old enough to be in college, have a live-in boyfriend and be sexual, she's old enough to make her own birth control decisions. I am concerned that the mother was determining the birth control for you and your girlfriend. When there are bad side effects, the right thing to do is to go back to the doctor and talk about other options. In your next relationship, if you decide to make it sexual (which I would advise againsst until you are at least engaged), please insist that this decision is made between you and your girlfriend - the only other person who should weigh in would be her doctor and, if they have one to offer on the subject, your doctor.

    I'm concerned, too, that you blame your bad behavior toward your girlfriend on your mother being on your case about work and school. I'm pretty confident that if you were getting good grades and reliably going to work, being responsible about your income - well, your mother probably would not be nagging you about it. I am a mother and I do at times nag - about things which my child is not taking care of adequately. I love when he fires me from the job by taking charge of his own responsibilities fully. For some reason your mother felt she needed to push you to do what you should, and perhaps was not in favor of you living with your girlfriend. If that was a concern to her, I agree with her.

    Please also know most of us love more than one time in our lives. I have fallen in love several times. Some people are meant to be in our lives for just a moment, some for years, some for life. There is nothing to be gained by being angry at someone who does not end up being your life partner. She was what she could be. She can't be with you now - clearly she wanted to but she was not getting what she needed from the relationship and she has moved on. It's hard finding the right people to be with, and like you probably will do, too, she may date some of the wrong people in the process of finding the right one. Then again, you will think anyone other than you is the wrong person.

    It would be far less honest and far more hurtful to you in the long run were she to stay with you under false pretenses. Is that what you want? A girl who stays with you to avoid hurting your feelings? She knows it's wrong to be with you if she's not feeling the relationship, and you need to appreciate the fact she had the backbone to move forward.
    JofelixM's Avatar
    JofelixM Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Apr 8, 2013, 08:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    I see now that you must have had two threads that were merged? I only responded to part of your story.

    Please know that you and your future girlfriends really need to own your own moods, behaviors and decisions. For example, if a woman is old enough to be in college, have a live-in boyfriend and be sexual, she's old enough to make her own birth control decisions. I am concerned that the mother was determining the birth control for you and your girlfriend. When there are bad side effects, the right thing to do is to go back to the doctor and talk about other options. In your next relationship, if you decide to make it sexual (which I would advise againsst until you are at least engaged), please insist that this decision is made between you and your girlfriend - the only other person who should weigh in would be her doctor and, if they have one to offer on the subject, your doctor.

    I'm concerned, too, that you blame your bad behavior toward your girlfriend on your mother being on your case about work and school. I'm pretty confident that if you were getting good grades and reliably going to work, being responsible about your income - well, your mother probably would not be nagging you about it. I am a mother and I do at times nag - about things which my child is not taking care of adequately. I love when he fires me from the job by taking charge of his own responsibilities fully. For some reason your mother felt she needed to push you to do what you should, and perhaps was not in favor of you living with your girlfriend. If that was a concern to her, I agree with her.

    Please also know most of us love more than one time in our lives. I have fallen in love several times. Some people are meant to be in our lives for just a moment, some for years, some for life. There is nothing to be gained by being angry at someone who does not end up being your life partner. She was what she could be. She can't be with you now - clearly she wanted to but she was not getting what she needed from the relationship and she has moved on. It's hard finding the right people to be with, and like you probably will do, too, she may date some of the wrong people in the process of finding the right one. Then again, you will think anyone other than you is the wrong person.

    It would be far less honest and far more hurtful to you in the long run were she to stay with you under false pretenses. Is that what you want? A girl who stays with you to avoid hurting your feelings? She knows it's wrong to be with you if she's not feeling the relationship, and you need to appreciate the fact she had the backbone to move forward.
    After long and hard thinking I tried to move on and when it felt easy to go she calls me or writes me trying to argue about nothing.. I Begged her to stop.. But all she can say is you did it to me.. Idk.. If she ever said she wants me back anytime in life.. I feel I'd leave the girl I'm with for her without even thinking about it. I've done it multiple times already. When wed break for a month or two. I've dated girls way prettier than her.. Ive had better... It's just something about her that makes me go crazy..
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #11

    Apr 8, 2013, 08:30 AM
    There will be many that can drive you crazy if you let them. That's the problem, you keep letting them (her)! Stop that crap, that's what No Contact is all about learning how to ignore the negative people so they can not push your buttons and move forward with the positive.

    Good luck with your rebound.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #12

    Apr 8, 2013, 08:56 AM
    Now you sound like a real jerk, frankly. So, you're mad at the girl you broke up with for picking someone over you and are considering seeking to sabotage and get revenge against her. And all the while, you are seeing someone else who you treat like dirt and would drop like yesterday's newspaper if your former girlfriend came back? You're in another relationship, obsessing about the old one? What a hypocrite!

    As for "doing better" with "prettier girls" - douchebag statement #2. There are plenty of pretty girls of great substance but you know, if your whole definition of doing better is finding someone who looks better on your arm, you are really shallow and immature. Shop for looks and nothing else - that's exactly what you'll deserve and get. Ugh.
    JofelixM's Avatar
    JofelixM Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Apr 8, 2013, 10:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    Now you sound like a real jerk, frankly. So, you're mad at the girl you broke up with for picking someone over you and are considering seeking to sabotage and get revenge against her. And all the while, you are seeing someone else who you treat like dirt and would drop like yesterday's newspaper if your former girlfriend came back? You're in another relationship, obsessing about the old one? What a hypocrite!

    As for "doing better" with "prettier girls" - douchebag statement #2. There are plenty of pretty girls of great substance but you know, if your whole definition of doing better is finding someone who looks better on your arm, you are really shallow and immature. Shop for looks and nothing else - that's exactly what you'll deserve and get. Ugh.
    What? I don't really care about looks that's why I went back to her? I never treat any girl like dirt? I just don't have the same connection as I do her.. I don't shop for looks at all just someone I have an attraction torwards be it them being smart, nice, funny, ambitious, honest, or even simply attractive...
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #14

    Apr 8, 2013, 10:20 AM
    You clearly are bad for each other (I can't believe you fall for the taunting about being gay, or that she taunts you with it), too young emotionally, and basically screwed up.
    That means no more girlfriends, and no obsessing/no contact with this one, until you get some therapy and maybe some group therapy.
    Not sure if you are a jerk or not just from what you write, but you just aren't ready.
    Get your life, yourself, your career, your school, your skills, your interests in line. You need them for the dry spells between relationships, and there will be dry spells.
    How do I know? I wasn't much different from you, long long ago.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #15

    Apr 8, 2013, 11:15 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by JofelixM View Post
    What? I don't really care about looks that's why I went back to her? I never treat any girl like dirt? I just don't have the same connection as I do her.. I don't shop for looks at all just someone I have an attraction torwards be it them being smart, nice, funny, ambitious, honest, or even simply attractive...

    1. As for how you treat the girl you're with now... here are your own words:

    "If she ever said she wants me back anytime in life.. I feel I'd leave the girl I'm with for her without even thinking about it. I've done it multiple times already."

    This is pretty much the definition of treating the girl like dirt.


    2. As for considering a prettier girl = a "better" girl, here, also, is a direct quote from you:

    "I've dated girls way prettier than her.. Ive had better..."

    You said it, not me.

    The girl you're with deserves better - you should break up with her since you obviously don't care that much about her. The one who can do better is HER.
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    JofelixM Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Apr 8, 2013, 11:30 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    1. As for how you treat the girl you're with now...here are your own words:

    "If she ever said she wants me back anytime in life.. I feel I'd leave the girl I'm with for her without even thinking about it. I've done it multiple times already."

    This is pretty much the definition of treating the girl like dirt.


    2. As for considering a prettier girl = a "better" girl, here, also, is a direct quote from you:

    "I've dated girls way prettier than her.. Ive had better..."

    You said it, not me.

    The girl you're with deserves better - you should break up with her since you obviously don't care that much about her. The one who can do better is HER.
    Those are my words I will not disagree. Although, I am not shallow when I use the word "pretty" I am saying they've just been physically better which is shallow but even I know looks aren't everything. I feel my ex is beautiful. The only girl I've ever considered beautiful for what she is. I also said "feel" as in right now that's how I feel. I've always felt that way towards her. The other girls I've been with always knew I wasn't completely over her. I haven't had a connection with other people like I've had with her. I even talk to the girls about it before I just say I'm done and it's always mutual in the end. Just this girl to me is special. I'm sure you've had that one person you went through hell and back multiple times with?

    Also as far as the revenge thing. I was just angry for a moment. In the end I realized this is not me and I told her to change them. I even told her she'll find the one person who'll treat her right and bring out the best in her one day. Even if its not me. She's the only person ever that has made me do anything irrational. Things that made me better to things that made question my own existence.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #17

    Apr 8, 2013, 06:06 PM
    If you are that into someone still, you aren't over the relationship and probably should take time out from dating. Otherwise, you are just toying with other women's emotions, which is really not fair and can be very hurtful.
    JofelixM's Avatar
    JofelixM Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Apr 8, 2013, 06:19 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    If you are that into someone still, you aren't over the relationship and probably should take time out from dating. Otherwise, you are just toying with other women's emotions, which is really not fair and can be very hurtful.
    I understand and do agree. It's just easier to move on talking to other girls. As selfish as that may be. Also, it makes the pain bearable.
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    JofelixM Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Apr 18, 2013, 07:49 AM
    So what do I do now?
    ********Threads merged***************

    My girlfriend and I broke up. I haven't been the best at trying to move on. So one day we were just talking and I asked for a nude photo of her cause for some reason it's the only way I can get aroused. She agreed, but then ignored me for a few hours and I asked if she is going to send it. She said no and did a complete 180 from this morning. She continued by saying to never talk to her again and leave her alone and go away. Here I assume she's already with someone or talking to someone so I ended up saying I'll leave her life for good then and replace her as soon as possible to never have any kind of interaction with her anymore if she's just going to be like this all this time. An hour and a half later I looked at my phone to find a picture from her. I went crazy. I have never seen something so sexy before. She then proceeds she did it to get me to leave her alone but follows saying just text her less or not as much? I don't get that. Now she just ignores me? Why send a pic for what then? To send a message saying "how you going to replace this?” If she's not over me then why doesn't she just try and come back? Or be friends at least.

    ITs just annoying cause I she does nothing and has nothing going for her so I just see her trying to talk to guys she used to know that seem to have something going for them? I almost hate her because she left me basically almost to another guy right off the bat, tore me down physically and emotionally, said I was nothing basically and she needs a man? I spent 4 years going to school for a future with her. I even discussed military with her because I grew up in a military family. She said no she couldn't do that because her dad cheated on her mom. I understood and decided to get a better education for us. I sacrificed a lot physically and mentally for her to basically say I'm not a man.

    I don't know what happened to her over the years I know our situation was bad but it was going to get better. How do you get over someone that you saw marrying within the year or next... The only reason I didn't marry her sooner was because she wanted a real wedding and I did to. So I didn't courthouse it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #20

    Apr 18, 2013, 08:29 AM
    What part of leave her alone is it you don't get? She will torture you with every contact you make, or allow her to make with you.

    The sooner you get that and keep strict NO CONTACT, the sooner you begin to move beyond her. Only a fool hold on to a very bad situation. The responses are the same no matter how many times you ask the question so read the stickies here for how its done by others.

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