[davidkendall]

I have a 13 year-old boy from a previous marriage and a newborn on the way. My boy is only with me 5 days out of every two weeks because that's the schedule he wanted. Well the extra bedroom at my house which is a little bit bigger than his now, with a larger closet, my wife and I use the room as a work out room/office until the baby arrives, which two weeks before we planned on turning it into a nursery.

The problem is my son wants the larger room because he says he is older and wants/needs the space, my wife feels unless he comes over more he should stay in the room he is in because with a dresser, changing table, crib and everything else the bit larger room would be preferable. Since he wanted it I told my wife we can give my son the larger room since the baby won't care. She did not want to, but was willing to compromise and said that if my son came over more, an extra two days, then she would be okay with moving him in that larger room.

Talked to my son, he said no, he is fine with the schedule now, coming over 5 days out of every 14, and does not want to change it. My wife is sticking to her guns and is saying that him coming over every other Thurs-Sunday and on the weeks in between just Tues. does not justify moving him in the larger room because this house is not the residence he is at the majority of the time and the baby will be at this home 24/7 with more stuff here. I don't want my son to feel pushed aside for a baby, but I don't want to be clueless to the logical thing to do as well based on need.

Any advice would be appreciate on what you would do, thanks.

[Scorpio848]

At this point, I would say the real issue is why doesn't he want to spend more time with you. If I had to take a guess from reading your post I would assume it was because your new wife and your son don't get along well. Her unwillingness to give the boy the larger room would appear to be childish. Your son already comes from a broken home (divorce). Why make him feel even more left out? Not only would I have given him the new room, I would have made a big production about it. i.e... a new comforter set, some paint, some posters. You were right in the fact that the new baby will not care. And since you have your boy so little, make it special when he is there. Tell your wife to get over herself. A 13 year old child's emotional state walks a fine line. I am not saying to give him his way all the time. But pick your battles. The bigger room is not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. We just moved into a bigger house. My boyfriend has a 12 year old daughter who lives in Virginia. He only gets to see her during the summer. I wanted the extra room for an office. But I did not even say so. I immediately made up the new room for her for when she is here. All new everything. As a compromise, I put my desk and computer in there for use when she is not here. When she is here, I will not enter her space without permission. Give children respect and they will return the gesture.

[fj]

I think you and your wife both have a point.
Although it is understandable that your son wants the bigger room, that does not mean that he should get what he wants. Humans are selfish, that is a normal thing. Every one wants the biggest, best, most beautiful etc.
But even a 13-year-old should learn that he cannot always have it his own way.
You should not let him know, that there is a discussion going on between you and your wife. To the outside parents should stick together, even if they have their difficulties among themselves.
Think about it, your son is there only 29% of the time.
The new baby will be there 100% of the time. Your wife, will be with you for the rest of your life and you are with her every day. Think about it well, is this important enough to put your sons opinion over your wife's in this matter?
Maybe it is not so good for a child to get everything he asks for most of the time. Not even if you feel guilty for the divorce. Make clear to him, that you have taken your decision (whatever that may be), and that it is final, or let both children sleep in the same room and have your working place in the smaller room.
Look, I do not know your house, but if you have the baby have the larger room as long as it is small, you can always think something up.
Remember, that if a child is only there for 4 days per two weeks, he is nog living with you. He is coming over for a couple of days, besides, he has two rooms, one in his mothers house and one in your house, he has plenty.
Whatever you do, make sure your sons mother does not talk to him behind your back and tells him you are unfair.


P.S. How do you know if a child is spoiled?
You cannot know from how it reacts if it gets something.
You must judge from how it reacts if it does not get something it wants. If it starts to make trouble, it is spoiled. Unspoil it. It is unhealthy for children to always make comparisons between what they have and what others have. That is a character trait that we try to get rid of during upbringing.

Best of luck, and I wish you not too many sleepless nights with the baby.

[Jahiem28]

Hi A lesson learned. You cannot get your way in life every time. YOU have to make him appreciate he already has a nice room. Small or not he is blessed I had to share a room with my brother.