[odinn7]

Sigh getting so frustrated at myself for being so stupid and not understanding.

Don't feel stupid.

You probably lied because you were scared. I know it often happened to me when I was confronted by my father in a rage. I would panic inside and loose all common sense to just try to avoid what I knew was coming my way.

[Wondergirl]

You are trying to intellectualize a very emotional response. What happened with you and your brother is why torture doesn't work on prisoners of war. Lies, not truth, result.

[mogrann]

Okay.. I am seeing black and white thinking on my part. I am started thinking what I would say to someone else in the same spot.. Brain is saying you guys are right but then my damn feelings and things I was taught are fighting that. I don't know what to think... how about if I say you guys are right and I am wrong.. maybe I will believe it one day..
I asked for help and am not listening and that is making my anxiety over this worse. I need to lessen it seriously. Damn it I am not strong enough for this. Feel like a failure as I am fighting self injury thoughts... (I am not suicidal at all). So far so good for fighting them. I keep saying I will disappoint people but it is like I want to show people my hurt. That is odd as I don't show off my scars I hide them. If someone sees them they are cat scratches (sorry cats).
You guys on here is one group I will disappoint the other is the DBT people and of course hubby. I know I am being willful and selfish.

Okay here is my plan
I will trust you all on what you have told me. I will conteract my thoughts with experts have told me this. I think this is like looking in a mirror saying you are beautiful. Say it until you believe it.
I will use self soothe.
I will journal
I will call distress line or post here BEFORE self injuring
Maybe use the skill vacation. Take a break from this issue until I can get back to wise mind.

Any other suggestions please let me know. I must say this is the most I am comfortable saying about my thoughts and feelings. This feels foreign and uncomfortable. I share the bare min even with professionals. When I finally connect with Access Mental Health I think I may ask about therapy (one on one). Sounds like I am still messed up a lot...

Thank you all for your help... I will do this and become a better person living a life worth living

[Wondergirl]

I will do this and become a better person living a life worth living

The very fact that you want to apologize to your brother for just being a child and reacting as a child says worlds about how far you have come. That shows empathy and love and caring about someone else's feeling and wellbeing.

Your plan is a good one. I am here and support you fully, as do your other friends here.