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ohlove · Mar 27, 2013, 12:39 PM

So my boyfriend broke up with me almost three months ago. We dated for around 6 months but were good friends for a year before that. He broke up with me because he said he wasn't in love with me and that he doesn't think he sees that changing.

The problem is that I am in love with him and after thinking these last couple months about everything I kind of regret how I behaved in the relationship. I just wasn't myself, I was a terrible communicator, and I held back a lot. I was going through some things and I just tried to push away my feelings and maybe pushed him away too and never really gave it a chance.

I guess my question is this.. should I tell him I still have feelings and want to try again? I just feel like I didn't give it my all.. but I know that might not make him fall in love with me either.

Plus we work together too so it's been really hard to get over him with having to see him. Any advice would be appreciated :)

Zea · Mar 27, 2013, 04:33 PM

Why would he even go out with someone he did not love from the first place?

I don't think anything will be different if you try again. Were you not friends prior to becoming a couple? Yes, and still he never loved you more than that. Also, its not about trying hard because, if you were really into him than you would have felt hopeless to hold back your thoughts. Maybe there was no chemistry between the two of you at all.

If you disagree, and you think that you have better chances than the choice is yours.

talaniman · Mar 27, 2013, 06:46 PM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ve-738815.html

Healing and getting beyond a failed relationship is hard enough without having to see them at work. I would give this more time before you try to jump back into any thing with a fellow employee. Maybe in the future you can be friends but for now forget romance and friendship and or work is a miserable place isn't it. Read the link above and know this often happens with work place dating, and romance.

Oliver2011 · Mar 28, 2013, 04:57 AM

It's been 3 months and you are still hanging on? That isn't very healthy. At the very least it sounds like you have evaluated your failings on this and can apply what you learned to the next relationship. Hopefully that will help you have a better relationship.

smkanand · Mar 28, 2013, 08:01 AM

It's difficult to avoid someone who works with you. You still love him but does he feels same for you? You know that he don't. So don't blame yourself for something which is not happening. You will learn to cope with it. Goodluck.

ohlove · Apr 1, 2013, 12:56 PM

I know I shouldn't hold on anymore and sometimes I am really fine, but other times I miss him so much. I guess it's normal to grieve over a breakup but I just hate that I got myself into this situation where I have to see this person somewhat often. I've done that whole distract yourself and go out and have fun but at the end of the day I just want to talk to him and tell him about it and what happened. I know the feeling will go away eventually, it just takes me a long time to forget about someone I really cared about, anyone else have that issue?

jakester · Apr 1, 2013, 01:22 PM

Originally Posted by ;

I know I shouldn't hold on anymore and sometimes I am really fine, but other times I miss him so much. I guess it's normal to grieve over a breakup but I just hate that I got myself into this situation where I have to see this person somewhat often. I've done that whole distract yourself and go out and have fun but at the end of the day I just want to talk to him and tell him about it and what happened. I know the feeling will go away eventually, it just takes me a long time to forget about someone I really cared about, anyone else have that issue?

Of course, it's natural to feel the way you do. You have regrets about how you handled yourself in the relationship and that is natural, too. It's possible that his love for you waned due to the things you described. On the other hand, maybe he had never vested himself fully into the relationship either. Only you really know that.

I'd say that at this point, if you feel there wasn't a real resolution to the breakup, it can't hurt to ask him to meet you for coffee sometime so you can talk. Maybe you can tell him that you realized where you made mistakes and that you'd like to see if he'd be willing to try again... maybe this time just taking things slow and easy. If he rejects your offer to meet and doesn't want any part of it, it's safe to say that you have to move on.

Working with that person is certainly difficult because you don't have the separation you need to get past the breakup. However, this piece of advice I can give may not be easy, but it is necessary to embrace. Not everyone is meant to be together. I've been through a divorce that was very difficult but after 4 years of reflection, I learned some valuable lessons from that experience. I'm wiser for it. I learned what things I want out of a partner and I learned some things about me that I needed to change. In a way, a failed relationship can be a gift if looked at in the right way. Perhaps you can look at this person no longer with a sense of longing for what you don't have but look at this person for what they taught you. Be grateful when you see that person instead of sad. You won't die from this. You should spend this time reflecting on all of the things you mentioned you did wrong and try to work on becoming a better person. When you can receive this hardship in this light, it won't hurt as much because you will have freed your mind to think about improving, not on the failure or the loss. Give it time and just let things be.

rose tint · Apr 3, 2013, 04:48 AM

Trying again would be of no use.. u mentioned you were friends earlier.. even then if your emotions were not understood.. I don't think it would make any difference this time either..

ohlove · Apr 10, 2013, 04:15 AM

Originally Posted by jakester

Of course, it's natural to feel the way you do. You have regrets about how you handled yourself in the relationship and that is natural, too. It's possible that his love for you waned due to the things you described. On the other hand, maybe he had never vested himself fully into the relationship either. Only you really know that.

I'd say that at this point, if you feel there wasn't a real resolution to the breakup, it can't hurt to ask him to meet you for coffee sometime so you can talk. Maybe you can tell him that you realized where you made mistakes and that you'd like to see if he'd be willing to try again...maybe this time just taking things slow and easy. If he rejects your offer to meet and doesn't want any part of it, it's safe to say that you have to move on.

Working with that person is certainly difficult because you don't have the separation you need to get past the breakup. However, this piece of advice I can give may not be easy, but it is necessary to embrace. Not everyone is meant to be together. I've been through a divorce that was very difficult but after 4 years of reflection, I learned some valuable lessons from that experience. I'm wiser for it. I learned what things I want out of a partner and I learned some things about me that I needed to change. In a way, a failed relationship can be a gift if looked at in the right way. Perhaps you can look at this person no longer with a sense of longing for what you don't have but look at this person for what they taught you. Be grateful when you see that person instead of sad. You won't die from this. You should spend this time reflecting on all of the things you mentioned you did wrong and try to work on becoming a better person. When you can receive this hardship in this light, it won't hurt as much because you will have freed your mind to think about improving, not on the failure or the loss. Give it time and just let things be.

Thank you for this response. I'm sorry to hear you went through a terrible divorce I can imagine how painful that was. I totally get what you mean that this is a learning experience and I have learned a lot through it which I am grateful for. I just can't seem to get it through my head that not everyone is meant to be together. I just never had anything feel so right so I can't understand why it's not meant to be. I know I just need to let it go.

We have actually just been casually talking a bit and I'm at a point now where it's driving me crazy because I still have feelings. What do you guys think of writing a letter? I think it'll help me move on because I can put it all out there and when he doesn't respond to it I can just move on because there would be no hope left. Or should I say it? Would that mean more? I just feel like I need to because I still have hope and until that goes away I don't think I'll ever move on. I know things won't turn out like I want but I can rest easy knowing I did what I could and its not meant to happen. And ik it's going to hurt again but maybe this time I can just not keep looking back.

ohlove · Jun 17, 2013, 06:41 AM

So for some background this guy and I broke up about 6 months ago after about 6 months of dating but a year of knowing each other and talking. I fell in love with him but he said that he didn't see that ever happening for him and that he was in a weird place then. It literally broke my heart because I really did care about him so much and just couldn't understand why I wasn't good enough to fall in love with. We're both in our young 20s and actually work together so the past couple months have been a struggle for me because I'm trying not to care about him, but I just do and it's something I don't know how to stop. I've gone out with friends and distracted myself but can't seem to forget how I feel about him. I even went on a date last week but it just didn't feel right.

Now for the tricky part... These last couple months he actually started texting me a lot. Like we started talking multiple times a week for extended periods and sometimes even a couple days in a row. He even asked me to hang out twice and of course stupid me went because I can't resist it. But even when we're together I just feel that spark and I just get confused why he doesn't feel it too. The best way to describe it is.. I get so nervous before seeing him but when I do see him I relax and the world just feels right at that moment. (corny.. check) I just feel so stupid because I know he doesn't love me but yet I can't seem to let go especially since he started talking to me so much again. And it's not about wanting to be in a relationship, it's about wanting to be with him. I'm so okay being on my own (maybe too much) but yet I want him to be with me. I know I made a lot of mistakes during our relationship by being so closed off and not communicating but it was because I was scared about how I felt and I still am. Any advice for the young dumb and in love would be appreciated because I think I just need an outside perspective to figure out how to get out of this continuous ty feeling circle. Thank you for reading :)

dontknownuthin · Jun 17, 2013, 04:04 PM

He isn't that into you. There is no future with the guy, so stop spending time with him. Trying to keep something going to avoid being hurt just means you will hurt worse, for longer. The attention isn't the passion you feel... he's bored or lonely or wants something casual. You not opening up isn't the issue... he's not at a point where he wants you to. Move on.

jewels7 · Jun 17, 2013, 05:47 PM

I agree with dontknownuthin... it sounds like a one way relationship.. if it was two way.. both on the same track you would get what you need in return.. best thing for you to do.. is let go..
Even though that's easy for me to say. I've been there.. it's hard to let go.. only other suggestion, is let him come to you, don't text him, don't call him.. if he texts you, don't respond right away.. sometime, if we give too much of our self too soon, it scares the other person off.. do you think you could just be friends, try that angle but don't expect anything in return.. just be cool, if it was meant to be, it will be.. love is not suppose to hurt.. that was a piece of advice I got from a preacher.. best advice I heard, although I went through some hard knocks before I could own that saying for myself.. and here I am, giving it to you.. it's to true. Love is not suppose to hurt.. there is someone for you, it happens when you least suspect it..

talaniman · Jun 17, 2013, 09:22 PM

I think you need a clean break from him to let go of that false hope. The texting and hanging out needs to stop and if you see him at work, keep it professional.

ohlove · Jun 17, 2013, 10:16 PM

You're right I do need to let go and I have really tried.. I deleted him from my phone but then he texts me still so I still have it but I won't save him as a contact. I have been completely nonchalant about the whole "friends" situation but inside it does kind of kill me. I just don't know how or when to say enough is enough and I can't keep doing what I'm doing and expect a different result. And I know I need to let go of him but I just don't even know what to say to get the point across that I still have feelings and being friends isn't working.. I just hate that I have to let go of someone I really cared about but I suppose that's life and you just have to accept it. It's just funny that you start thinking all these things happen for a reason that brought you to a person but then it's not meant to be.. I just over think everything! Typical girl haha