[talaniman]

This is such an unhealthy unloving relationship. It sounds like a business arrangement between a nagging mother and her really bad kid. You will be miserable and resentful until you boot his lying, cheating butt out of your life.

ok then, how should i go about dumping him

Tell him to pack his stuff and hit the bricks and don't come back and if he gives you any crap throw his stuff out the front door.

[terripie84]

Easier said than donen, any ideas why he's doing this to me in the first place ?

[talaniman]

He is a low down lying cheating SOB. And this is what they do. In the future you will have to make better choices.

[Capuchin]

Hi Terri, I don't have anything to add to what others have said, but I can relate to your struggle. Just want to wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you will find the strength to rid your life of him and find yourself someone who truly loves you. It is plain to me that he does not. Get him out and get some hobbies, meet new people, make a better life.

[crocop]

Hi Terrie ( I assume that's your name)
I find it interesting that so many people with problems (and who doesn't have 'em) also seem to know solutions to them. You initially began by asking for advice, while at the very same time you knew exactly what you have to do, and that is to get out of this (so-called) relationship PRONTO! But that's OK, we all often after Q's to which we have A's, we just need moral support, and I think you have been given plenty of it. We are all saying the same thing to you, in many different ways, and that's to dump him in the nearest dumpster, lol.
You say you love him... I say you do not. I say you are USED to him, and I say u USE him in the way that you already admitted, to pay half of everything. However, if you ask me, you are paying a very heavy price for it. What he has is a cheap-ish place to stay, someone who does all the household things for him that you do (I assume he doesn't ever help out) and he still does as he pleases. He is completely irresponsible and immature and ill-prepared for life within a partnership. You on the other hand are an intelligent and attractive young lady who would/will have as much trouble finding a real man as it is to boil water. What you need is more self-esteem, self-respect. You said that your self-esteem is low, but it is so only because you let it be so. You allow him to use u. why? WHAT do you get out of it?? Nothing at all. Surely you do not wish to spend your entire life with a pathological liar!!
I assume you will not be able to afford to live on your own once you kick him out, FOR GOOD.
Would it not be better to go back home to your parents?
Or, why not look for a girl to share with? You two could have a lot of fun, go out together, etc. and when you meet someone else, you'll wonder why you wasted 2 years on a fool who didn't realise what a wonderful person he had by his side.
So, pull yourself together, realise that the relationship (if you can call it that) MUST end, and get on with the rest of your life. It might be difficult, but why should it be easy?? Nothing worthwhile is EVER easy, and getting rid of this guy is WELL worth it.
Go on, do yourself a favour, and follow up on your own solution to your own Q and dump him, you'll fell all the better for it, a new woman.

[Wildcat21]

Tell him to move out your done.

This guy really doesn't care about you. He takes you for granted.


BUT, I know women like you... they for some reason need this drama - actually want the hurt... I know a women who was in a non-loving marrigae for 15 years - a man she never loved, not her life partner - yet she stayed and had two more kids. A waste of 15 years with the wrong, abusive person.

She finally divorced him - and her life took off.

[terripie84]

Exscuse me, women like me? I am not that kind of women thank you very much, I hate the drama and I hate the lies and him taking me for gr anted, what Im scared of and what makes me hold on is the fact that I can't afford living here on my own and I must find a roommate and get a car and get more finacialy stable and I shouldn't have to explain all this to you in for first place, If your not here to offer support to my situation than bugger off, that's all I need right now is to be put down.

[crocop]

Calm yourself Terrie. I'm sure Wild didn't mean to offend. He just lacks tact. Your plan to find a roommate is excellent, and a car will give u independence. This transitional period will be hard, but when it's over you'll feel very much better about yourself, and u will have learned a lot, a lot of it about yourself, and that is always good. Good luck, and stay strong, don't give in, make a plan and STICK 2 IT!

[terripie84]

Yes I know what I need to do and I already have a plan I just need to put it in action thanks dude :)

[crocop]

You're welcome :) best wishes! AND TAKE NOOOO PRISONERS!. silly saying really :O/

[fallinlove]

You sud seriously stop this relationship. He is not worth it, if he cheated and lied to you, how can you trust what he says. The longer you are with him the more it will hurt you inside and make you crazy. If you don't do anything about this he will take advantage of you.

[bcrsg]

Try doing some of the same things he's doing to you. You sign yourself up on dating sites and intimate sights and lie and cheat oh him. Then leave his sorry .

[mckenzie134]

If you ever have to wonder what your boyfriend is doing then you obviously do not trust him and I will tell you now one of the most important things in a relationship is trust. If there is no trust there can be no real love, the only love you will feel will be those pains in the middle of your chest which you may say to yourself of I just want and love him so much!! This is not true that is what I thought with my ex who was always out cheating but then when we broke up and I met someone else I realised what trust was I could let het=r go out and she made me feel safe and secure she told me and taught me to trust her and I did it was a great relationship and I never new what trust was. When you can trust the poerson your with you will know it is love...

[bess402]

Your young go out and find someone who respects you. It will not get any better. Down the road 10 years you will ask yourself why you were with him at all. It's a mans world
(or they think)and many do not think we deserve respect. Respect yourself and make a point, move on. You deserve better. Maybe that will wake him up. Good Luck!

[terripie84]

Well here goes, I've been with my boyfriend for two yrs, and the sex has dwindled down quite a bit, he will initiate sex maybe once a month, I try to initiate it a few times a week, and when I do most of the time he turns me down, and he never has a reason, sometimes he says he's tired and that's fine, but you can't use that for every time, I've told him it makes me fee undesired and ugly and hurts my feelings and embarasses me every time he does it.. I feel rejected by my own boyfriend, I've literally tried getitng on top of him and doing whatever I can to get him to have sex with me and he just doesint do anything except moan for me to get off him, I'm not ugly and I can't see why he just never wants too, sometimes he will come home like lately and say he wants sex then we have dinner and watc TV then when I suggest we go to bed in a seductive voice , he just tried to cuddle me and thinks that's good enough and forgets that he's says he's wanted to have sex earlier and I try hinting to him and it does nothing.. I'm getting so sick of trying to have sex with me boyfriend and always getitng shot down, il admit I have a higher sex drive than him, but he used too too, its not that he's that tired or stressed cause I know he isint, he's got a good job he is happy most of the time, I've asked him if he's getting it else where and he swears he's not, I'm just so sick of it, its starting to make me angry I mean what can you do lol it is getting to the point of dissapointing me regularly and I don't know what to do anymore somebody please help me I'm losing my mind. Like is this my fault or his ? I tell him he has a problem and he says he will work on it and this is twice now I've initiated sex and nothing.. I don't know what else to do . Thank you:confused:

[atmorsh]

OK my dear
I think he need more from u like dance inky baladi front of him or seating without[F] clothes .he needs admire from u
atmorsh

[kp2171]

it isn't about you, I'm afraid. Well, no wait... that's the good news. If your avatar is you, you are absolutely attractive. Your actions toward him are clearly seductive. What straight man doesn't get turned on by a woman's desire? Your desire to have sex is not unreasonable. You don't say that you are after him 5 times a day, after all. And you have tried talking to him about it and communicating your needs.

lets see... attractive, seductive, reasonable, and open communication about your desires.

well... if that doesn't get him off the couch, I don't know what will...

so lets run through some problems.

first... there's the monotony thing. I think guys, including me, are just wired differently than most women. We are largely "programmed" to seek out many partners. Doesn't mean we do, or should. Doesn't mean a guy should get a pass at being a skank. But in talking to women, I've had women tell me if they see an attractive guy they might get aroused a little, but most of the time it isn't the same as the primal, raging crap that runs through a guys head.

what does this mean? Well... even in the best relationships with the most beautiful woman, a guy can get distracted in time... or a guy can take what he has for granted. It's the "been there, done her" mentality. I know. That sounds absolutely awful. As a happily married guy who, I think, is pretty reasonable and rational about life in general, I apologize for me and my kind.

in my relationship, which I think is solid and going to last the ages, I've been lazy at times. Distracted. I know what my partner likes, does, feels like, tastes like, etc. so its just not as new. She's every damn bit as attractive. So I'm the one that broken in this aspect. What it means is I need to remind myself how damn lucky I am for a beautiful woman to still put up with my shyte.

so option one is that he's just gotten lazy and its from the "not new anymore" syndrome. Hard to fix this if he's not willing to remind himself how lucky he is to have you.

next, well... it could be a performance issue or a legit sex drive issue... he might find you as attractive as ever but just not have the drive. I understand he seems disengaged. When you are lucky enough to actually get him in bed how does he perform? Longevity an issue?

do you take a long time to climax, as in does he have to hold back a long time? If so, he might suppress the urge so long that he can't get there. Do you ever let it be all about him first? Or do oral? In other words, can you get him to orgasm, and if so when. Again... he might not be vocal about what he wants. I know if I didn't have to care for my partners needs the things id like during sex would be different than when I'm trying to get her along too.

um... long post, I know... I don't know. All I can say is even if you aren't on the same page exactly, you guys need to be on the same PLANET sexually. Sometimes my drive is more than my partners, sometimes hers is more than mine. Sometimes we misread each other. Sometimes we have had tiffs about sex, or the lack of, or miscommunication about. But for the most part, I think I'm pretty much on the same path as my partner.

there is no shame in questioning your relationship if the sexual compatibility isn't there. You have a long, long sexual life in front of you, and intimacy is a part of emotional well being. I know of a 20 year marriage about to end because the guy was never quite on the same page and it only drifted further and further apart. Now his wife is tired of being a maid and a roommate. She gets no real emotional intimacy. Sure, he says he loves her. That's about all she gets.

so... I haven't solved anything. And probably just told you some things you already know or suspect.

cheating is a possibility. Does he get himself off (like you'd know if he really was trying to hide it)? Porn a big thing for him?

hell... when he did seem to like sex, what did he like? Did he favor on top or you driving it? Did he initiate? What about time of day? Night? That was one thing my partner and I didn't realize. When dating wed always fool around at night. Married and into a different routine, she's a morning person and I'm a night person. I initiate at night more, shell wake me up at 4AM. We compromised... which means I get sex at 4AM. =) but time of day does affect my drive some.

out of breath. Hope this made some sense. Some things to think about at least.

uh... just read some of your other posts about this loser boyfriend.

ill make this one short.

you don't want to hurt and you don't want to be lonely. You might have to hurt a little and be lonely a little. This guy is absolutely no good for you.

the gift of your life is too short and too precious to waste on a person who doesn't value it enough.

short term pain will be outweighed by a long term gain. He is only dragging you down. Don't spent another year of your life on a man who is using you for the moment.

short answer: the relationship is over. You are prolonging it and he is glad to go along for the ride. You deserve better, but you only get the respect you demand.

demand more.

[vlee]

First of all allow me to say you are every man's fantasy... a sex stronger drive than your boyfriend! Second, have you openly asked him about it? Not by asking if he found it elsewhere, but by asking him outright why he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore? If he isn't able to communicate with you, the relationship is over. Problems can't be fixed if they can't be brought to light.

[RDCgirl]

Hi~

I sent you an email privately regarding your question... I am new to this site, so if it does not work, please let me know, as I saved a copy in a file.
Your situation exactly mirrors mine, and your post really hit home.
I am debating whether to just call it quits, or keep waiting things out and remaning unhappy. All I know is I love him so deeply, and I often wish I didn't, so I could just move on (I have tried a couple times to no avail, I always end up back with him)
I have passed up so many wonderful men in the process, and my theory that "life is short" is really beginning to take hold on me. So far, trying to date others, on the occasions we have briefly broken up, only last a month at most and then I miss HIM so terribly, I return back to our relationship, it will be good for a few days to a week, and then I fall back into his routine, and stay for a few months... this has gone on for over 2 yrs. (It is like he begins to take me for granted, which is something I have ALWAYS been very careful NOT to do with people)
I am still looking on this site for some input, and fear I may have to come to the conclusion it may never get better, and I may just have to either put up with it, or leave.
His latest excuses for ZERO affection or intimacy whatsover are "I have a lot going on right now, and that is the furthest thing from my mind, so if you want someone who will give you sex more than once every couple weeks, you are not ever going to get it from me, I have never been like that" (which is not true because in the beginning, we would have sex sometimes 2-3 times per day, even during the day if I showed up to his job site <he is a general contractor>, he always had a very high sex drive) AND he says "Normal couples don't have sex all the time" (I have been married twice as well as had relationships and NEVER once had ANY "Disfunction" between us in the sexual department, in past relationships... we had sex more than ONCE per week or two? EVEN BEFORE I reached my 30's and hit my "Sexual prime" so they say, I wasn't all that interested in sex in my 20's, BUT still had it more than once per week?? )
He has taken a bar *&^$% home in recent months (Oct. '06), on the first night of meeting her (which he informs ME "You and I were broken up"... HELLLOOO?? I don't run right out and jump into the sack with a person I JUST met in a BAR? GROSS!! )... and she is an ugly one who puts out for anyone (She is known as being a bar &*&%$ in our area, and he had JUST met her, they both got drunk, and the rest was history) but yet he cannot even be intimate with the woman he supposedly LOVES for over 2 yrs??
It is not even about the sexual act, it is about the compassion, affection (he has none... a kiss on the lips every other day like my grandma would give me), snuggling, feeling close to someone, I long for it. This is like living with my brother... and I too, do not know what to do but cry.
And yes, he also looks at porn occasionally (after "Cutting me off for several days", he has the interest to look at porn? ) and it is always "things" that are far different from what I am... what I mean is he does not look at beautiful, hot looking women, etc. He looks at people very different from what I am (I am petite, large breasted.. which he DOES LOVE, attractive, intelligent)... so I just do not understand what the problem is... I have asked him "do you just not find yourself attracted to me anymore?" Considering that perhaps, although I am attractive, perhaps the novelty has worn off, and he is desensitized to what we have, since it is familiar now. But he says "No, I just have a lot on my mind" (he does have some legal issues he is contending with currently, but PRIOR to all of that, this was STILL an issue beteeen us.)
I don't want to be unfaithful to him, but I am not sure how long I can have this emotional rejection hurting me constantly... and what scares me is until I am OVER how I feel towards him (Or rather, I should say IF I EVER get over him), I find myself unable to engage in any sort of relationship with another man :( I have tried on the occasions we have been "Broken up"... no one captures my heart the way he does.
I am trying to see all of this in an objective light as to what the REAL problem is, but it is so hard when I am in the middle of it. I only remember ONCE in the past several months that HE has initiated sex when we have had it (Ironically after spending a night in jail for a traffic offense). And I remember it because I was shocked HE actually initiated it! And it was one of the best encounters we had in a long time, probably because of that.
My guy friends have even suggested "Maybe he is gay?" LOL which would not be likely... he is very masculine, a stubborn Norwegian, and 51 this month, not that those are all anti-gay reasons, but I just find it highly unlikely this is a possibility!
I do have a lot of wonderful friends who try to be there for me, and have asked (secretly/quietly) some of my men friends if this is all normal, and every one of them have told me they are shocked he could lay anywhere close to me and not want to touch me?! Don't most men find a woman appealing sexually? He is a very selfish person, and controlling, has a temper, so not sure if this plays a part.
Another interesting point... when he is in the shower, I will sit and talk to him and love looking at him (this is about LOVE, not that he is so good to look at, my friends all think he is not, but I am in LOVE with him, so to ME he is appealing) when he is out of the shower, I always look at him, he usually hops in bed with his underwear and sometimes even a shirt (? ) so seeing him naked is refreshing for me. On the other hand, HE never comes and talks to me when I am in the bath (won't ever take one with me, either, although he USED to occasionally)... he rarely, if ever, looks at me when I in naked out of the bath, or in bed naked, or wearing my silky babydoll nighties, etc. Isn't this weird? Or is this normal?
I ask him in bed sometimes to sleep with nothing on (if nothing else, just so we can snuggle, skin on skin) and he rarely will, saying "I like sleeping with my underwear on"... yet on a few occasions when I have come home after he is in bed, he is sleeping NAKED? And clearly not waiting for me, because we STILL don't have intimacy.
Okay, this is long enough, please if someone has any objective opinions about what the trouble is, I would love to hear them... This hurts deeply, I wish things could just be normal :(

[jeremy4719]

1.) your picture is attractive.. I'd have sex with you IF I were single haha...

2.) Your man might be playing ball for the other team! I think any man that turns down a young, attractive, and sexually aroused woman in a relationship is totally crazy... This guy needs to be given the boot!