[mica]

I have been divorced for 3 years. I have 4 children. Here's the dealio. My ex has only seen our children once in the past 3 years. Due to his drug addiction, he separated himself from the children and his family (parents siblings, etc.). His parents during this time have spoke to him on occasion. The one time he did see the children, well... it was around Christmas, he had just exited jail to a pregnant girlfriend. After they wed, his now wife and in-laws relayed to his parents that they knew of us and long detachment from relationship with his children and were hopeful that these relationships could be mended. So he called. He spoke to me and then to the children over the phone. He did see them that Christmas Day and the day after briefly. Over the next month, they spoke on the phone and exchanged emails. He never requested or tried to make arrangements to see them again. The calls stopped along with the emails. He has been on and off again with the drugs and jail since. During this time, he had told members of his family that I would not allow him to see the children. This is a lie. I guess this was easier for him to say, than no I don't have anything to do with them. I have always had a wonderful relationship with his parents and they have helped out tremendously with living expenses while I was in school. (I was an at home mom when married). Recently he has been back in they're lives. I found out from his mom that he has called my older son. I was concerned that my son felt that he could not tell me about this or that his dad gave him the impression he could not tell me. I expressed this concern with his mom and she assured me that it was not so. During this conversation, she told me that she has been discussing with her son, some problems that my older son has had this past year. She had assured me at an earlier time that I had her confidence concerning these matters.
Now I'm hopping mad... Why? I asked her, would she give this information to a dad who is not involved in his son's life? She expressed to me that her son would be able to offer some advice or help, after all he is dad. So, my response, "recovery" dad maybe, but he's not been clean for more than 2 months in years and dad "out of recovery" lies, steals, and uses anyone he can to get his next fix. I told her I felt that it was dangerous for my son because this info leaves him open to be used or hurt by his dad. At this point in the conversation, she changes the venue by saying, we(her and her son and wife) have been discussing whether he (dad) should try to see or contact the children this early in his recovery, and that she would relay to him that "I" felt that it was too soon and he should wait. I was dumb-founded by this remark. It is obvious to me that the lies are believed. More obvious is the emotional problems the children would have if they felt I have kept them from seeing or speaking with they're dad. What do I do? Now I worry that when the children go to visit, they are given the impression that secrets should be kept from me concerning they're dad. Am I overreacting?

[Scorpio848]

Parents always want to believe their children. No matter the circumstances. Your mother in-law is no different. The best way to cover your butt, where the children are concerned, is to let them be involved in their fathers life. I however, would refuse to let them go anywhere with him alone. No over nighters. But maybe you could offer your house as a meeting venue or a public park. Always encourage your children to learn about and know their father. No matter how bad he may be. Unless he's a pervert or something. Adults forget that children see everything in a fantastical light. We may know better, but the children will never see it until they learn the hard way or become adults themselves. You talkking bad about their father or refusing to be co-operative is only going to hurt your children's feelings and force them to put a wall up between you. You don't have to lie and say wonderful things about their dad. But don't be too quick to offer up the negative. I never knew my real father. He was an addict and spent my whole life in prison. When I was growing up I would ask about him and my mother would say horrible things and refuse to help me find him. He died when I was 18. Without ever meeting him. Now I understand my mothers pain. But then, I just hated her. It took me years to get over it. Please don't make the same mistake. It won't be the dad that suffers for it. It will be you and your children. And as far as the in-laws go. Be appreciative for what they have done for you so far. But keep personal stuff to yourself and try not to require their help in the future. You do not want to be indebted to people who could turn on you every time their son decides he wants to take another stab at being clean.
Good luck. I wish the very best for you and the children.

[jemm]

I feel your pain. I am just now starting to go through the begininhg stage of your situation. My ex- was in prision for 18 years he had been out for two years when I met him and he was in recovery from his heroin addiction. I thought he was wonderful. (stupid me). Well in the first couple of months of our relationship I had gotten pregnant with my daughter. She is only 7 months old now. But he had missed out on most of mt pregnancy because he statred using drugs again and went to rehab verses jail. I was trying to make things work because I now have his child. I only come to find out I was a pawn in his game against his ex girlfriend. To him I was just a mistake and he felt obligated to stay with me because I was pregnant. I have since found out he had gotten the other woman pregnant. He had cheated on me when I was carrying his baby and it was with his ex. She now has his 3 month old daughter. I can't stand all the lies and discusting things he has done to me. I want to say I want him to have nothing to do with my daughter but I agree with scorpio. The children need to find out for themselves. I too am very close with his mother she is the one watching my daughter while I work. I find that I have to be very careful in what I say and do after all she is his mom just like you want to protect your kids she wants to pertect hers. Just make sure like scorpio said that all the visits are monitered. That is what I am requesting when my daugthers father comes home from re-hab. Supervised visit will probably make him un -compfortable and he will go away again on his own. Your children will see that you only tried to do what was best for them, but let them decide. I know how hard it is not to curse his name believe me. So I hope all works out for you. I can say all this now because my daughter dosen't understand yet but I wish you well and hope you can survive the trial period of your ex and your kids. Good Luck
Jemm