[Confusedgirly]

I have been going out with a lovely man for the past year and 3 months. I met him, he was unhappily married and we felt so strongly but I would not get involved if he was with her so he left his wife after a week of us being together. She has alcohol issues and I think that the relationship had been dead for some time.

We have had a very happy relationship but he is very close to his mother and she took a dislike to me after his son's (who is 4) party as I think she thought I was too confident for not knowing anyone - I work in PR and am used to being in situations where I don't know people.

She was very rude to me - topped people's drinks up and not mine, turned her back on me. He was embarrassed but did not really say anything. There has been occasions since where she has ignored me when I have been with my children and she has been with her grandson (my partners little boy)! I called her before Christmas to see if we could sort something out as it was making him unhappy that we didn't get on but she talked over me, was rude to me about me and said that my partner had jumped into things with me far too fast and that he should've had a break before having a relationship.

Anyway we broke up for a week as the pressure got too much but we got back together but nothing was resolved.

Since then the relationship has been great but now he is saying he isn't ready to commit to me and this really isn't an issues as he is at my house when he hasn't got his son - he has his son 50% due to the mothers alcohol issues. The thing is when he has got his son he is at this parents’ house with his mother doing the mother to his son and him! She has got him so dependent on her. The marital home is up for sale but is empty and so he could live there but does not want to because of the money – his wife earns more and pays more but he is worried if he moved back in that she would reduce the finds.

This frustrates me as I feel like his mother is like another woman – looking after his son, he comes in from work and gets fed, she gets involved if he is upset.
The crux of the story is that a family weekend break has been organised for his fathers birthday and I haven’t been invited. I wouldn’t want to go but it is the principal that I am not included. I have mentioned this but it seems to go in one ear and out of the other.

He seemed to disregard what I had said about feeling hurt so this weekend I brought it up again. I would never stop him from doing anything but can’t believe he will let his mother leave me out when all other partners are going. He said ‘well you wouldn’t come anyway’ I said that isn’t the point – the point is that you don’t stick up for me at all. He eventually said I am really sorry it makes you feel like this and that he would talk to her but I think he is scared of him. She has him that he is so dependent on her that she can act the way she wants.

We went for a drink after the chat and we were fine but then we got on talking about commitment and marriage - baring in mind we have been together a long time and he said he isn’t ready and needs more time. He said we are on the same chapter but he needs to catch up on the pages. At this I just flipped as I thought – you won’t stand up to your mother and defend me, you aren’t ready to commit, I have involved him in all areas of my life and what have I got in return?

I asked him to take me home and for him to get what is at my house and take it. We went back and he got his things and said I will come back for the rest and I said no if you can take it all. He was very upset and just said I just need more time. I said he was such a lovely person and I hoped he would fine what he was looking for but he walked away. I haven’t heard a thing since – it was only Saturday but he usually wouldn’t not contact me.

I have been very supportive of him and listened, been there, put up with crap from his mother and his ex-wife’s parents. He says I am what he has been looking for, he loves me more than he loved his wife, he feels so lucky to have me and can’t believe his luck! He calls and texts me constantly.
However the words and actions don’t match.

He is a very sensitive person and emotional – I just don’t know what to do. I love him so much but can’t go on like this and I need some advice.

[LittleBlackKat]

I have pretty much been in an almost similar case back 7 months ago and I too came for advice on this forum. Someone suggested to me that I should not get involved in other parent drama, and I found that works best for me in all honesty.

You need to realize that he is probably (and most likely) not sticking up for you because he has a history AND children with his ex-wife. It doesn't matter how long you two have been together, and how bad his previous marriage was; he has history with her (emotional and otherwise) and that is all he needs in order to keep uninvolved with you as far as defending your side goes whenever this ex-wife who is an alcoholic with issues begins acting up.

He may need time for sure, my ex did as well, but you need to also ask yourself the following question: How long is enough? A week? 5? 10 months? I gave my ex a time frame window of almost 8 months and he still didn't have his head together straight, so I left him. Why should you put your life and emotions on pause because one person can't get their life sorted? Exactly. You don't need to.

He may love you more than he loves his ex wife, and that is fine, but that doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your mental and emotional energy for his sake. That's not love; that's torture and silly, in all honesty.

You already have been supportive enough. This was never really your problem to begin with, and I think you should just keep your head forward and keep walking. He sounds like he doesn't have anything together, and that worries me and should you too.

Hope this helps.

[talaniman]

I don't care how long you have been together, you cannot expect his family to accept you just because you are the female he left an unhappy marriage for. Hell the old marriage has hardly been completely resolved yet.

Further what makes you think after leaving an unhappy marriage that's barely settled he would be so ready to do it again? It may be years before he has resolved all his issues and the bad taste of the past has left his mind.

I think you expect too much, to soon, and he cannot meet your expectations because he is still dealing with his issues, and that includes his family, who are adjusting to the changes. They all need much more time, and YOU should give it to them.

[fredg]

I am 71 yrs old, been through a divorce after the first 7 yrs of marriage, then remarried for 30 yrs. until my wife passed away with COPD from smoking.
I do feel for you, and think that anyone's life is sometimes troubling enough, without adding to it. I do think you should move on, and find someone else.
I am sure you have heard the old saying, "When you marry, you also marry the family". Believe me, it's certainly true. I know, been there.