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    Tabasma's Avatar
    Tabasma Posts: n/a, Reputation:
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    #1

    Nov 9, 2003, 07:53 PM
    My Daughter hates me!
    I have been living with my Mom since the birth of my daughter (who's now 20 months). Her Dad left for a job abroad when she was only 6 months old. She has become very attached to my Mom (her granny), and doesn't want to leave her even for a sec. Moreover we have a whole army of servants and nannies, so she spends all her time with them. I had a difficult birth, so I couldn't take care of her as I was supposed to. My husband called us for a visit in Sept, and I took my daughter with me. She became very difficult and would cry all the time.  I had to come back after a month, but by that time, she started sticking to me and became very fond of her daddy as well. However, now, she's become even worse than before. She hates the very sight of me, and if I try to go near her, she scratches, bites and kicks me. She screams even if I'm in the same room with her. As soon as she sees me, she starts screaming "No No." I don't know what I have done that she's hating me so much. I took such good care of her and my Mom said she's even become MORE healthy than before. How can I make my daughter love me again? I really feel hurt and want to cry at her behaviour.


    (I'm writing this modification after 4-5 months, and now my daughter is 2 yrs old)
    Thank you all veryyyyy much for your wonderful advices.
    Now that my daughter is 2 yrs old, she's become even more hateful towards me. My Mom had to go away for a month and she latched onto one of my maids like she was her mother! I felt really hurt. Now, that my Mom is back, my daughter has become even more attached to her. And my Mom, my grand-aunt, and the whole army of servants/nannies don't let me or my husband even touch our daughter. They don't allow her to be alone with us or even sleep with us. If I try to feed her or change her clothes/diapers etc.. my Mom scolds me and taunts me saying that I'm trying to show her she's not looking after my daughter well.
    I'm feeling VERY depressive and suicidal, why are they doing this?? Even If I want to move from this house, I can't as my husband works abroad and can't afford to call me on a permanent basis. If I even give a hint of moving to my in-laws place, my Mom and Grand-aunt throw a fit and emotionally blackmail me. And my Mom doesn't talk to me for days!
    I'm thinking of giving my daughter away to my Mom and running out of this hell hole forever. Because if I don't, I'll surely go insane! :'(
    rrt69's Avatar
    rrt69 Posts: 89, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Jan 2, 2004, 05:06 PM
    Re: My Daughter hates me!
    Sounds like your mom spoils her a little like a grandma surpose to do. As for you She will come to you when she needs you but your mom does have to help as to push the attenion towards you. Do u get me?
    Tyesmoon's Avatar
    Tyesmoon Posts: 12, Reputation: 3
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    #3

    Jan 29, 2004, 10:37 PM
    Re: My Daughter hates me!
    Here's another perspective.

    Young and even older children don't know how to put their feelings into words, they can only act out in response to them. It sounds to me like she is angry at you, and more then likely, not because of anything you've done, but what you haven't done. She isn't capable of understanding your adult reasons and situations, and when she got to spend that time with you and your husband without the intrusion of all those other people, she probably began to feel secure in your relationship and love for her. Then you come home, and all of that is gone again because, again... you aren't giving the attention you were when these other people weren't involved. She doesn't hate you, she loves you. If she didn't, she wouldn't be mad. You have to find a way to limit her exposure to these other people, and show her that she is your primary love and priority. The only way to do that for a small child is to be consistent. Consistently spend time with her, consistently take responsibility for her primary care... dressing, diaper changing, feeding... etc, the basic needs. Do you work? If not, lose the nanny. If so, when you get home, take your daughter to your or her room and spend at least an hour doing nothing but focusing on her. Be persistent. Show her how much you love her. And when she is angry or mean to you, don't show her your hurt, don't show her your adult emotions, don't try to explain. Just tell her that no matter what she says, or how she acts, she means more to you then anything else in the world, and that even her being mean can't make you stop loving her. If she says I hate you, don't give it merit, ignore it... and just say... that's too bad, because no matter how much you hate me, I love you.
    Don't give her the reaction she 's looking for, and don't give in, and allow her to go to someone else. She wants you to prove yourself... she is testing your commitment to her without even knowing it. She is unconsciously seeing how much you really do love her... how much do you really want to spend time with her, or will you do the easy thing and let someone else deal with her.
    She needs to feel secure in your commitment and relationship, and until you show her that she can be, she won't be. And it will take time, but it will work.
    gurlfulofsmiles's Avatar
    gurlfulofsmiles Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    May 4, 2004, 11:14 AM
    Re: My Daughter hates me!
    Your daughter needs your attention now, not your mothers attention. You need to get the point acrossed to your mother and help that she is your daughter not theirs.point out to them that you did give birth to her not them. They try and test you with blackmail or accusations, but when it came down to it, none of that matters, you're daughter will grow and yet your relationship with her will not unless you do something about it now. Don't wait till she is older, cause if you wait too long you will lose her for good.
    Scorpio848's Avatar
    Scorpio848 Posts: 36, Reputation: 4
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    #5

    Jun 22, 2004, 10:47 AM
    Re: My Daughter hates me!
    Take your kid and run for the hills!!
    On your way out of that prison you call home, find a therapist. Your child is going to need proffessional help to bounce back from this one. Therapy, love, patience and a more reasonable environment will help a great deal. Just don't let them put her on any medication. Until you can leave, put your foot down! If you already know your mother is prone to emotional blackmail, be prepared for it and don't let it bother you. Be prepared for some blackmail of your own. Tell her if she keeps it up, not only will you leave but she will be denied any further contact. Another good thing would be for your husband to bring his butt home and get a job here in the US and help you. The sooner you start reconditioning your child and your family, the better off you will be.

    fj's Avatar
    fj Posts: 28, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jul 22, 2004, 01:46 AM
    Re: My Daughter hates me!
    I totally agree with scorpio.
    If you cannot live as an independent person in that house, you should leave. The best thing for a child is to be with his mother. There should be a predictable program in the day, getting up, eating, dressing and so on.
    Your mother is not going to see you as an independent person, when you let yourself and your daugther to be pushed around.
    Think of a solution, living with your in-laws can put you in the very same situation, you should thinkt about this very carefully. Isn't it possible to go live with your husband abroad?
    Your child needs peace and quiet, predictability and love.
    It is important to bring about a situation asap, in which your child can get attached to you. Your mother is elder and she will not be around long enough to guide your child through life, although she may think she does the good thing.
    Take responsibility fast and get yourself out of this situation. Do not surf the internet and flee from the problems. Do something. Running away and leaving your daugther will only make you more depressive. You don't want your daugther to end in child care institutions? Well that is exactly what is going to happen when you are not there and your mother dies, or if they think she is too old to take care of such a young child.
    DO SOMETHING


    P.S. I do not think a 2-year old needs therapy. Humbug. It needs a stable environment asap (and you need some independence too, you don't want to live with your mother until you are sixty, do you?). Children can get over many things perfectly well when put in the right environment.

    Jahiem28's Avatar
    Jahiem28 Posts: 103, Reputation: 5
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    #7

    Jul 29, 2004, 11:07 PM
    My Daughter hates me!
    Great advice guys My feeling is you have to spent more time with your child. When your not with your child must in the first 18 months your child bonds with someone else. A child has no idea what hate is. A child is a product of there environment. If they are not comfortable they will display bad behavior. Time is the key GOOD LUCK
    EXVISOR's Avatar
    EXVISOR Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Aug 7, 2004, 08:37 AM
    Re: My Daughter hates me!
    My daugter is 18 going on 19, she got her licence a few months ago so we gave her one of our used cars as we wanted her to be same
    She works part time and is getting ready to go to a local college
    To make a long story short our daugter and a 40 year old boss were getting a little to close for comfort, hanging out after hours, meeting places calling each other and etc ,we as parents didn't know what to do but before we had a chance coworkers brought this to the attention of the main boss who after investagating fired the mgr
    Anyway our daughter sees to be very hateful towards us, we suggested she live home whil going to college since its local so she cad save money as she got a scholership that covers everything except the dorm room which she would have to pay for
    She won't have any part of it, in fact any time we ask her in a very nice way for any help or to pick up our younger daughter right down the street or anything simple the remark she says is I'll be out of here in a month
    Can't understand why she has this anger towards us when we've given her everything
    It hurts that she feels this way and I know its tearing a hole in my wife's heart
    My daughter now feels we should by her some new cloths cor college as she needs her money for other things, I told my wife I think she confused, the girls complains she wants to be on her own, she doesn't need anyone to do anything for her has all these extra bills like a cell phone, a dditional phone line in her room, internet service on her cell so she does not miss any emails or chat sessions from her friends when she is not home, I advised my wife if she wants to be on her own then she needs to do it on her own and get her priaritys straight , welcome to the real world, can't afford it then you can't have it just like the rest of us who have a wish list of things we want to have someday
    I don't think I was wrong saying that, its how I feel ,can't help it ,we've done everything for this kid and she treats us both with such disrespect abnd hate
    I love her but I think a taste of reality is what it will take to get her brain working again ,seems like ever since she turned 18 she has changed, feels no one tells her what to do or where she can go, if I knew this is how she was going to be I would have never gave her my car ,I would have made her work and save for her own
    Any advise anyone??
    Where did I go wrong??
    mike145k's Avatar
    mike145k Posts: 123, Reputation: -1
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    #9

    Jun 29, 2005, 01:47 PM
    Bull
    Quote Originally Posted by Jahiem28
    Great advice guys My feeling is you have to spent more time with your child. When your not with your child must in the first 18 months your child bonds with someone else. A child has no idea what hate is. A child is a product of there environment. If they are not comfortable they will display bad behavior. Time is the key GOOD LUCK
    Are you carzy to say If they are not comfortable they will display bad behavior. Time is the key GOOD LUCK that's a bunch of bull
    silentdreamer28's Avatar
    silentdreamer28 Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Nov 28, 2005, 08:54 PM
    You deserve better
    Please don't give her to them and run away.
    I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. I have lived in a similar one.
    I had my son while I was 17 and still living with my parents. They were
    Very mean to me for most of my life anyway, but when I got pregnant things
    Grew worse. My boyfriend (now husband - J) worked very hard for me and our son to get us out of there as fast as possible, but all things take time.
    So the time I was there was hell. They always wanted to take him from me
    And take care of him. They didn't trust me to take care of him. But me
    Being very stubborn and keeping my head straight I never gave in. I'd stay in
    My room most of the time. I wanted our son to know that I am the mom, not my mother. Of course my relationship with my mother suffered severely, (and still does to this day). Things got so bad that I packed up what I had and left. I went to live with J's at his mom's home. That was hard too we couldn't stay there either, BUT at least we got things started for change.
    You have to make a change. You ARE strong enough. You may think you are not but you are. You're stronger than me, you lasted 2 whole years with this
    Torture! I know you must be scared of change and fear that you won't be able to make it but you can. You can make it. If you can not handle standing up to all of these women by telling them to only interfere when you give them
    Permission then you will have to leave.

    Go to your in-laws. You deserve it! Who cares what your mom and great-aunt says.
    They obviously don't care about your emotional well being or they would be
    Helping you so that you could stay there with them.


    You need to keep talking to your husband
    About changing your current living situation. Ignore your daughter being
    Attatched to everyone but you and focus the energy you have left to plan
    Your escape. Don't ever give up on you and your daughter. Take one step
    At a time. You can work on you and your daughters relationship when you
    Have moved. My son is 11 now and he doesn't remember the turmoil because I got out when he was 2. He is very happy and we are very close. You can have that with your daughter if you don't give up. I'll come back soon to check up on how you are doing.

    Take care,
    Angela Valaine
    nymphetamine's Avatar
    nymphetamine Posts: 900, Reputation: 109
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    #11

    Nov 30, 2005, 07:18 AM
    Darnthatstheend
    I know this post is old but I really would like to talk to this person and find out the current situation. I got my ten cents to put in.
    adahen's Avatar
    adahen Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    May 18, 2007, 02:14 PM
    It sounds like your Mother has your best interests at heart. If you want to leave then leave,also remember you are giving up someone there to help and do things. Come to think of it you sound like a spoiled brat who never had to do anything in your whole life and expect everything handed to her on a silver(or gold) plate.Grow up and be thankful for all you have received.:mad:
    nymphetamine's Avatar
    nymphetamine Posts: 900, Reputation: 109
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    #13

    May 22, 2007, 07:34 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by adahen
    It sounds like your Mother has your best interests at heart. If you want to leave then leave,also remember you are giving up someone there to help and do things. Come to think of it you sound like a spoiled brat who never had to do anything in your whole life and expect everything handed to her on a silver(or gold) plate.Grow up and be thankful for all you have received.:mad:
    Her mother doesn't quite have the best interest if she pulls a guilt trip on her all the time and she can't even get near her own child because everyone else is under the false impression that they are that child's parent. If she is still in this situation she needs to get out even if that means her parents and other family never talking to her again because the child needs its mother to pay more attention to it.
    tawnynkids's Avatar
    tawnynkids Posts: 622, Reputation: 111
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    #14

    May 23, 2007, 01:27 PM
    If you do come back and read any responses... you need to get out of your mother's house. PERIOD! She can't emotionally blackmail you unless you let her. You need to do what is best for your daughter. What your mother is doing really is just a form of parental alienation. If you have the opportunity to move in with the in-laws then do it. I know living on your own in your situation can be impossible. That would be the best but...

    Anyway, your daughter will cry, there will be a period of adjustment, but for the long run it is what you two need to develop the relationship. Fight through it! It will be tough! You will feel like she will never love you and you will want to give up... fight through it! Tell yourself she is just a baby really, she doesn't know how to deal with her emotions. You need to just stand by her, tell her YOU love her, that daddy loves her. She WILL be okay. Get out and get a counselor to help you go through it and help her transition. You may be able to find one through your local Department of Health Services or local church perhaps. Try to find someone who has a specialty with children. But you need to take back your position as her mother not give it up!
    mrsedwardcullen's Avatar
    mrsedwardcullen Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Feb 23, 2009, 03:52 PM
    Well, let me tell you from the viewpoint of a 16 year old girl since I am one... my mother is... well, I hate to say she is a horrible mother because I am angry right now and I don't mean that... but she does a LOT of things wrong that are allowing me to drift farther and farther away from her. It is sort of ironic since everyone I meet says how much they love my mom and of course I love her too, she is my mom... but she yells at me ALL THE TIME. First of all, she shouldn't have had me at all. She was almost forty when I was born and let me tell you... the older you have a baby, the more hard it will be to relate to them when they are teenagers... she doenst understand AT ALL. My siblings are all so much older than me which is almost worse than being an only child... Next, OK I know that adults like to keep a clean, organized house... but honestly, my mother yells at me if one single spec is out of place. Next, I HAVE NO PRIVACY AT ALL!! My mom comes in my room, looks at all my things, tells me how to dress, what to say... EVERYTHING!!

    Please... my advice is good. I wouldn't be on this website typing these things if I wasn't seriously upset by the way I was raised.
    marypennock33's Avatar
    marypennock33 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Mar 9, 2010, 07:13 PM
    Hmm. Since changing the diaper is something that you absolutely need to do multiple times a day, you could try using the changing buddy in order to make the experience a bit less straining on yourself as well as speeding up the process.
    Www.changingbuddy.com
    rabyakhan's Avatar
    rabyakhan Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Nov 28, 2010, 02:00 PM
    My 23 year daughter says she hates me where I have as a single parent done what ever she wanted and gave her everything beyond my means, and now she lives with her boyfriend and tells me on my face that she loves him and was never loved before

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