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    lovemywifeps's Avatar
    lovemywifeps Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
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    #41

    Feb 27, 2013, 08:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by smearcase View Post
    I always bring this up because of my personal experiences (best friend, employees, and a son) but it always has to be considered. Does she have an alcohol and/or drug problem? If God forbid she has an accident with overlimit BAC, most likely your name will be on the lawsuits too. When you add up all the concerns and risks (you already know what they are and throw disease in the mix too), your best course of action should be clear to you. But get the evidence first and protect your interest.
    I don't think she has a alcohol prob. If I added up all the drinks she had in a year it might average out to about to a day. Do I need to just shut up? Is she staying out and hiding behind her phone to escape my concerns for her and us? Is she just feeling too tied down with life lately? My problem there is the more she unties herself the more tied up I become. I already can't keep up with the daily chores around the house.
    smearcase's Avatar
    smearcase Posts: 2,392, Reputation: 316
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    #42

    Feb 27, 2013, 08:54 AM
    Sorry-- you are a denier. And yes- two drinks per day can be a sign of alcoholism.
    lovemywifeps's Avatar
    lovemywifeps Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
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    #43

    Feb 27, 2013, 09:04 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by smearcase View Post
    Sorry-- you are a denier. And yes- two drinks per day can be a sign of alcoholism.
    Oh goody. Don't know if this has anything to do with it but her dad was a raging alcoholic.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #44

    Feb 27, 2013, 09:08 AM
    I think your wife is cheating or just having a ball knowing you are there taking care of the kids. She is taking advantage of you.
    Do some counseling for yourself so you can think with a clear head. Ask your wife to keep the appointment for counseling together, if she doesn't, I think you need to consider divorce. Make arrangement for visitation with all of the kids
    She does not care and will not change.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #45

    Feb 27, 2013, 09:12 AM
    Thank you, Homegirl, for summing it all up - out of greenies!
    lovemywifeps's Avatar
    lovemywifeps Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
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    #46

    Feb 27, 2013, 09:15 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    I think your wife is cheating or just having a ball knowing you are there taking care of the kids. She is taking advantage of you.
    Do some counseling for yourself so you can think with a clear head. Ask your wife to keep the appointment for counseling together, if she doesn't, I think you need to consider divorce. Make arrangement for visitation with all of the kids
    She does not care and will not change.
    I'll admit a clear head isn't easy to come by with all that is going on. Thanks for your help
    smearcase's Avatar
    smearcase Posts: 2,392, Reputation: 316
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    #47

    Feb 27, 2013, 09:29 AM
    If you think it is good that she might be an alcoholic---
    You need more than just a counselor, try a psychiatrist.
    lovemywifeps's Avatar
    lovemywifeps Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
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    #48

    Feb 27, 2013, 09:42 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by smearcase View Post
    If you think it is good that she might be an alcoholic---
    You need more than just a counselor, try a psychiatrist.
    Not what I meant. That was a sarcastic "oh goody". The alcoholism thought just sends me for another spin.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #49

    Feb 27, 2013, 09:46 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lovemywifeps View Post
    Not what I meant. That was a sarcastic "oh goody". The alcoholism thought just sends me for another spin.
    Can you summarize where you are mentally now? Has any of this affected/changed your understanding of your situation? And finally, what is your plan?
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #50

    Feb 27, 2013, 09:46 AM
    Get some counseling. It will help you deal with all of these and think with a clear head.
    I wish you well.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
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    #51

    Feb 27, 2013, 09:56 AM
    This is just going around in circles. You don't have many options here so I don't know what else we can offer.

    You accept it.
    You get counseling.
    You divorce.

    That's about all I see here. Going on and on isn't going to change that. You need to decide what you are going to do and go with it.
    lovemywifeps's Avatar
    lovemywifeps Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
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    #52

    Feb 27, 2013, 09:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Can you summarize where you are mentally now? Has any of this affected/changed your understanding of your situation? And finally, what is your plan?
    I'm not real sure what to think about the situation right now. I'm not real good at putting my feelings into words, some of you may have figured that out by now. I will definitely go to counseling. I hope we can work this out.

    Does anybody here think this can be resolved without divorce? It kind of seems like divorce is what everyone it telling me to do.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
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    #53

    Feb 27, 2013, 10:07 AM
    Honestly, no. It seems that she has made up her mind with whatever it is that she's doing. On the other hand, we don't know her so how can we say for sure? You've decided on counseling so try it and see what happens.
    lovemywifeps's Avatar
    lovemywifeps Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
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    #54

    Feb 27, 2013, 10:10 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by odinn7 View Post
    Honestly, no. It seems that she has made up her mind with whatever it is that she's doing. On the other hand, we don't know her so how can we say for sure? You've decided on counseling so try it and see what happens.
    That's depressing, but thanks for your help
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #55

    Feb 27, 2013, 11:18 AM
    Hi guy, I can certainly appreciate the questions in your mind, and the confusion and frustration of your situation.

    I think you start with relaxing for a minute and getting YOURSELF under control as your fear is very noticeable in your responses. I will keep it simple.

    You have made her own behavior a cause for over thinking and reacting since basically it involves a schedule-expectations adjustment, and just me, when I went through something similar, simply backed off and let my wife have her full head of steam for what she wanted, and how she wanted it done. This is a time you cannot change or control her, NOR should you try, since if you stop being so scared of losing her, and stop trying to figure things out and fix things, I think you focus on you, what YOU do and what you have to do and let her fix herself. That's the way I have always dealt with my own wife of 37 years.

    Where I drew the line was if the b1tchin' was aimed at me about what my wife thought I should be doing and how. "Don't like the way I do it.............do it your damn self!" So get the fear under control, because its one thing to worry till they get home, and quite another to project your own fear into the situation.

    I am old school, and think a man should lead by example without the fear, and to an extent, you have done an excellent job, but now as she feels her oats, LET HER. Its only a conflict if you make it one, so lets not get in the weeds and the whole cheating thing and off on tangents that makes you get carried away by fear, and fail to adjust yourself, your attitude, and thoughts and actions. Don't let words be the buttons she can push to keep you off balance. Get out of self and the BS you allow yourself to sink to in a selfish, self serving, way to justify her being wrong, and you being right because it really doesn't matter.

    All that really matters is you be a great parent for all your kids as there is plenty of time to have conflicts and get divorces and the rest of the crap that reality throws at you. Until it happens, don't get down about it. That only magnifies fear and tension (PANIC).

    For whatever reasons the communications has broken down, accept she is NOT like you, nor will she deal with things as you do, and give her room with your actions to have the time for her own adjustments to surface. For now do nothing but stay off the pity pot, and pay attention, and lead your family down the path of Good Orderly Direction, and let her catch up.

    Until you develop good communications again, let your actions speak for you, so be reasonable and responsible before you take actions. There was no need for her to know you talked to your pastor, and to be honest, a phone call before just popping in would have saved you a disappointment. And never ever say anything bad about mama to a child and only age appropriate things are allowed. Don't know how to answer a question from a child? Keep it simple and general and positive, and honest.

    Bottom line, you are both young and learning as you go, and my advice right now is stop whining and crying and cope with controlling yourself because you never will control her, and to be frank, its stupid to try. If it ain't perfect, change YOURSELF. She works, you work, and any body can have a bad day, and need to unwind. You want a family to come home too, and a cocktail before dinner? Then make enough loot she can sit home and kiss your butt, after all day with 3 kids.

    All it takes is patients and some cool, calm, self control. And the courage to do the right thing for your family. When she can't, make sure you can. LOL, my fishing and hunting trips were 3 days to a week, and the wife was on her own until came back. She doesn't clean fish, I don't do windows. It is what it is, deal with it.

    Or don't.

    Now what do YOU want to do, and don't mention her at all?
    lovemywifeps's Avatar
    lovemywifeps Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #56

    Feb 27, 2013, 12:10 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Hi guy, I can certainly appreciate the questions in your mind, and the confusion and frustration of your situation.

    I think you start with relaxing for a minute and getting YOURSELF under control as your fear is very noticeable in your responses. I will keep it simple.

    You have made her own behavior a cause for over thinking and reacting since basically it involves a schedule-expectations adjustment, and just me, when I went thru something similar, simply backed off and let my wife have her full head of steam for what she wanted, and how she wanted it done. This is a time you cannot change or control her, NOR should you try, since if you stop being so scared of losing her, and stop trying to figure things out and fix things, I think you focus on you, what YOU do and what you have to do and let her fix herself. Thats the way I have always dealt with my own wife of 37 years.

    Where I drew the line was if the b1tchin' was aimed at me about what my wife thought I should be doing and how. "Don't like the way I do it.............do it your damn self!" So get the fear under control, because its one thing to worry till they get home, and quite another to project your own fear into the situation.

    I am old school, and think a man should lead by example without the fear, and to an extent, you have done an excellent job, but now as she feels her oats, LET HER. Its only a conflict if you make it one, so lets not get in the weeds and the whole cheating thing and off on tangents that makes you get carried away by fear, and fail to adjust yourself, your attitude, and thoughts and actions. Don't let words be the buttons she can push to keep you off balance. Get out of self and the BS you allow yourself to sink to in a selfish, self serving, way to justify her being wrong, and you being right because it really doesn't matter.

    All that really matters is you be a great parent for all your kids as their is plenty of time to have conflicts and get divorces and the rest of the crap that reality throws at you. Until it happens, don't get down about it. That only magnifies fear and tension (PANIC).

    For whatever reasons the communications has broken down, accept she is NOT like you, nor will she deal with things as you do, and give her room with your actions to have the time for her own adjustments to surface. For now do nothing but stay off the pity pot, and pay attention, and lead your family down the path of Good Orderly Direction, and let her catch up.

    Until you develop good communications again, let your actions speak for you, so be reasonable and responsible before you take actions. There was no need for her to know you talked to your pastor, and to be honest, a phone call before just popping in would have saved you a disappointment. And never ever say anything bad about mama to a child and only age appropriate things are allowed. Don't know how to answer a question from a child? Keep it simple and general and positive, and honest.

    Bottom line, you are both young and learning as you go, and my advice right now is stop whining and crying and cope with controlling yourself because you never will control her, and to be frank, its stupid to try. If it ain't perfect, change YOURSELF. She works, you work, and any body can have a bad day, and need to unwind. You want a family to come home too, and a cocktail before dinner? Then make enough loot she can sit home and kiss your butt, after all day with 3 kids.

    All it takes is patients and some cool, calm, self control. And the courage to do the right thing for your family. When she can't, make sure you can. LOL, my fishing and hunting trips were 3 days to a week, and the wife was on her own until came back. She doesn't clean fish, I don't do windows. It is what it is, deal with it.

    Or don't.

    Now what do YOU want to do, and don't mention her at all?
    I think I'm going to copy your post down to reread every now and then. I am feeling a little calmer and collected today. Yesterday I think I just had a little too mush thrown at me to be able to sort it out. As for the windows, If I didn't clean them we would be living in one dark house. I'm pretty sure there isn't any way to change that
    lovemywifeps's Avatar
    lovemywifeps Posts: 23, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #57

    Feb 27, 2013, 03:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by lovemywifeps View Post
    I think I'm going to copy your post down to reread every now and then. I am
    feeling a little calmer and collected today. Yesterday I think I just had a little too mush thrown at me to be able to sort it out. As for the windows, If I didn't clean them we would be living in one dark house. I'm pretty sure there isn't any way to change that
    I am going to go into counseling, and hope for the best. I will keep the advice of those who thinks she is cheating on me in the back corner of my mind just in case that is what is really going on here, but right now I just feel like I have to try with everything I've got. I know there are things I can do differently. Things I need to change. I'm sure this isn't going to be an easy road, but I'm going to try. I've never really been one for doing things the easy way anyhow. Thanks to all for your advise.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
    Dating & Teen Expert
     
    #58

    Feb 27, 2013, 04:51 PM
    I wish you well.

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