[Kohoutek]

I've posted on here a couple of times, but I'm really at the end of my tether now as this has been going on for 16 months now.

My boyfriend's ex wife doesn't like his relationship with me. She thinks I'm a "groupie" because he used to be a well known name in the business we work in, and he appears on TV occasionally. I really don't care. In fact, I wish he'd give it up so we could have a more normal life together, but I appreciate he needs to earn extra money to pay her her alimony. She lies constantly about me, "I've heard things about her, you weren't the first person she hit on, she's desperate to make a name for herself..." and so on, which my boyfriend obviously doesn't believe, but they keep coming.

The thing is that I'm actually really worried about her. I've listed to their phone "conversations" when she tells him to call her about money, and he does, and she literally shrieks down the phone at him until he has to hang up. They have a child together, and he had a brilliant relationship with his son. They last saw each other in November when they had a big long talk and a really great day together, at which time the son (12 years old) said he did want to see his Dad but he needed to okay it with his mum. Since then, the son has completely cut contact and we just keep getting text messages saying "[The son] doesn't want to see you. He doesn't recognise you anymore." which we believe is from the son telling his mum he had a good time with his dad and her not liking it. She has changed their landline number and her son's mobile number so my boyfriend has no way of contacting him now. He's been to the school to speak to his son's teachers and they've been really understanding and said that she (his ex) was obviously on a "points scoring mission" when she came in to talk to them previously. They gave his son a letter from him, and later that day we got a text saying "He tore it up."

It all boils down to the fact that I got a harassment order out against her in February last year, saying she's not allowed to contact me as she texted me 75 times in 2 months, all abusive. It crossed the line when she started sending me photos of myself just saying "OMG!" over and over again.

My boyfriend changed his number, but had to get a spare phone to give her the number to in case of emergencies. She texts it around four times a day, with long rambling texts about how he's having a midlife crisis, and how I'm using him, and how his son doesn't want to see him. Today, she sent 12 texts, one of which was a four parter where she copied and pasted the definition of "in love" from the internet. She's just incredibly unstable and I'm worried about her (or at least what she could be capable of) and about her mental health and the damage she's inflicting on my boyfriend's son.

She bounces between trying to lose my boyfriend his job by saying he was abusive and threatening, to asking him for more money to look after their son. She tells him she's moved on and doesn't want him back, and then asks him if he remembers the time they went on certain holidays together and how he could walk away from them.... But most worryingly, she can't differentiate between herself and her son. It's always "You left us." No, he didn't, he left you. He is still his son's father and he is still desperately trying to maintain a relationship with him.

I need help to know what steps to take. Ideally, she would be forced to seek help about her behaviour, but failing that, I'd just really like to be able to legally stop her harassing us. My boyfriend doesn't want to take out a harassment order because he's worried about his son, and needs to maintain contact for that reason.

Any suggestions on steps to take? We're in the UK by the way. Any help is much appreciated. I just don't know how long I can take this. As I say, it's been nearly a year and a half and it's not abating in any way!

<edit> I should just add that my boyfriend has a solicitor who is dealing with his financial disclosures but she has advised that as the child has been "brainwashed", going for custody in the courts might not be the best line of action as a judge would say "Yes, you can have visitation rights to your son, but he's 12 years old. You can't FORCE him to see you if he thinks he doesn't want to."

[joypulv]

Unfortunately (and I know this is easier for me to say than for someone to do), you don't seem to be separating what is your realm and what is your boyfriend's. I highly doubt that you are worried about her, and just don't want to sound catty, but basically you are fed up with her and think she's nuts, so say so.
Your ONLY concerns are contacts she makes with you, and your relationship with your boyfriend. We don't need to hear about how many times she texts him on the phone that he keeps just for her, or even why he has such a phone.
There is many a mother out there who can't let go of an ex because a child is a result of the union. Some obsess more than others. I've never been in her shoes and don't want to be, but I am not going to judge her second hand.
You got your restraining order a year ago - and until she violates it, you need to keep this between you and your boyfriend. He's between a rock and a hard place and doing the best he can. Try to stifle your feelings for his and his son's sake.

[Kohoutek]

Unfortunately (and I know this is easier for me to say than for someone to do), you don't seem to be separating what is your realm and what is your boyfriend's. I highly doubt that you are worried about her, and just don't want to sound catty, but basically you are fed up with her and think she's nuts, so say so.
Your ONLY concerns are contacts she makes with you, and your relationship with your boyfriend. We don't need to hear about how many times she texts him on the phone that he keeps just for her, or even why he has such a phone.
There is many a mother out there who can't let go of an ex because a child is a result of the union. Some obsess more than others. I've never been in her shoes and don't want to be, but I am not going to judge her second hand.
You got your restraining order a year ago - and until she violates it, you need to keep this between you and your boyfriend. He's between a rock and a hard place and doing the best he can. Try to stifle your feelings for his and his son's sake.

Have you ever been in a relationship? There are no "realms". We are not separate sovereign states, we are a democracy. Things that upset him, upset me.

Yes, I think she's crazy, but so does he. But she needs to get help - that is the main thing. Again, yes, because it may mean she leaves us alone, but also for the sake of her son - who is the most important thing in my boyfriends life. You see how it's all connected?

My parents split when I was 11 and my Mum tried to turn us against my Dad. It caused a lot of psychological grief to me and my brother and has left us with an awkward relationship with our mother. Why would I want the man who means the most to me in the world see his child suffer through that?

It is causing my partner problems. He is currently in counselling to help him deal with the constant abuse and the feelings of guilt they are creating (that he has, essentially, "broken someone's brain"), and his qualified counsellor suggested that I read the text messages she is sending and filter out anything that is important and anything that is just abuse or rambling. So, it has BECOME my issue as well.

So how about you take that stick out of your behind and try and offer some constructive advice?

[ScottGem]

What you describe as mental sounds more like anger and jealousy that he has moved on. But, unless he wants to go for primary custody, I doubt if he can compel a pysch eval.

I also understand the solicitor. She's right that a court can order visitation but not force the child to go. However, he can ask for supervised visits or a 3rd party to talk to the child and determine the truth.

[Kohoutek]

What you describe as mental sounds more like anger and jealousy that he has moved on. But, unless he wants to go for primary custody, I doubt if he can compel a pysch eval.

I also understand the solicitor. She's right that a court can order visitation but not force the child to go. However, he can ask for supervised visits or a 3rd party to talk to the child and determine the truth.

Hi Scott, thanks for replying.

Yes, I realise she is angry and jealous, but I just figured that anybody who can keep up that emotion for 16 months must have something deep down that could be fixed by talking to someone.

He's attempted mediation with his ex and his son about four times now and each time his ex refuses.

I'm just open to suggestions if anybody has been in a similar situation with regards to child contact and how they got through/around it. I know she's breaking her harassment order by texting him lies about me, but I don't want to exacerbate the situation by calling the police on her, unless people really think I should. My friends and family all think I should call the police (and my boyfriend's friends and family!) but they would do because they're on "our side" as it were.

[ScottGem]

He has to go through the courts. Clearly she is not going to cooperate unless forced to.

[joypulv]

Even a democracy has realms. Church and state are separate, and the military can't mess with Congress, and so on. You better not use my toothbrush or even my towel, and I bought that Cherry Garcia, and if you eat it all you are toast. This is my child, and I have to deal with it how I think is right.

I stand by what I said: A lot of what is bothering you should be left to your boyfriend.
Your legal question is based on the fact that you want him to get a restraining order but he won't. How are we supposed to convince him? He isn't here.
Perhaps deep down you feel that he is being too wussy.

(I have been in a handful of serious relationships in my 66 years, and many other kinds.)

[GV70]

Your legal question is based on the fact that you want him to get a restraining order but he won't. How are we supposed to convince him?

To be or not to be-that's the question.
W.Shakespeare

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ad-726637.html

[Kohoutek]

Even a democracy has realms. Church and state are separate, and the military can't mess with Congress, and so on. You better not use my toothbrush or even my towel, and I bought that Cherry Garcia, and if you eat it all you are toast. This is my child, and I have to deal with it how I think is right.

I stand by what I said: A lot of what is bothering you should be left to your boyfriend.
Your legal question is based on the fact that you want him to get a restraining order but he won't. How are we supposed to convince him? He isn't here.
Perhaps deep down you feel that he is being too wussy.

(I have been in a handful of serious relationships in my 66 years, and many other kinds.)

I don't want him to get a restraining order if it's not necessary. I would much rather him have a healthy relationship with the mother of his child - hence me coming on here for "advice" from people who have experienced similar situations. Perhaps you are correct in the sense that I should have posted this elsewhere than in "family law" but I thought somebody may be able to suggest a legal process we hadn't thought of, or weren't aware of.

I just don't understand why you are so convinced that I should leave my boyfriend to cope with this sort of thing on his own? He has already told me that my support is the thing keeping him going through this turmoil. We are a unit. We hope to spend the rest of our lives together. If I were going through a similar situation, and suffering like he is, I would hope that he would be supportive and proactive as well not just say "Sorry love, that's your 'realm'."

[Wondergirl]

Is there any chance your boyfriend could get primary custody of his son? It seems like that would solve a problem or two.

[cdad]

Im going to drop a few relevent links here for anyone reading this in the future. It deals with PAS. This is a classic case of it from what Im reading and the links are meant to educate others going through the same type of situation. The links are OP related as they stated they are from the UK.

Coping with the Parental Alienation Syndrome

The courts and parental alienation | BPS