[kew]

I would like to ask if I am wrong feeling the way I feel about My Brothers death... ANGRY, LOST, EMPTY! He died very suddenly at home on the 2nd Feb this year from a massive heart attack... But let me take you back a bit so you know what I am talking about. 3 Years ago He was diagnosed with Kidney Disease. I was a perfect match and donated one of my kidneys to him. He was doing so well after the transplant. Why did this have to happen to him ? I also feel like he has taken a part of me with him... We were very close and I miss him terribly. I have never lost someone as close as him. How long will I cry ? Does anyone have any answers on how I can deal with this better than I am ? Looking forward to your replies...

[turtlebay]

I am so sorry. It is a very difficult time when you lose someone you love. Everyone handles things differently, so it is hard to say how long you will cry. I do know there are
Grief support groups that can help you deal with this. Please understand that these are
Normal feelings after someone you love dies. You are not alone in your feelings. Find
A trusted friend or support group to talk to. Take Care.

[kew]

Thank you... I have tried talking to my family & friends but they don't seem to understand. I feel we had a special bond. May be that's why they don't understand.

[tishee_76]

Hi Kew

I'm so very sorry for your loss..
Let me be upfront and honest with you, I am by no means a professional with training or qualafications, I also have not experienced any thing to the magnitude your post..

I just wanted to say that you must be a wonderful person to offer yourself to save another, in my books it makes you a hero..
I'm prity sure there's no text book rules on the "right way" to grieve..
There is a cycle, with feelings listed such as the ones you've stated.. so it sounds like your feelings are considered 'normal' behaviour..

My personal experience is that the over whelming sense of loss and deep seeded sadness will lessen eventually over a period, and then I felt guilty and wrong for feeling OK to live without them and my crying started all over again..

Any and all your friends and family are a great way to work through your feelings, but if you feel it's effecting your quality of life you may really want to seek a professional.

I wish you great strength through this period of your life, and may I suggest to you your brother has taken a part of you.. each relationship we have in our life time is unique and to lose one is to lose a piece of you, the important thing is to remember always the memories..

Be brave..

[ordinaryguy]

I am so sorry. This is a life-changing event for you. You say that it feels like he has taken a part of you with him, and this is true. You will never be quite the same person you were before, but this doesn't necessarily mean you will be less of a person, or an unhappier person. You may well become a more compassionate, more caring, more understanding person. It depends on how you process this grief and what you make of the experience.

A loss of this magnitude is not something you get over, it's something that you learn to live with. I know right now, while it's still fresh and raw, the idea that it could ever be "normal" for him to be gone seems completely outrageous and infuriating. You're still in the early stages of grief, and it will be quite some time, probably a year or more, before you regain any sense of normalcy about your life.

There is no substitute for the passage of time in healing from a trauma like this. You have to endure the seemingly interminable days of waking up every morning to the stab of realization that your waking life is the nightmare, and that sleep is the only escape from it. But slowly, slowly, you will find a way to process the reality of his absence, and in due course, you will be able to smile again. If I knew of a shortcut to that place of acceptance, I would certainly share it with you, but it doesn't exist, so the best I have to offer is to endure, persevere, and try not to hurt yourself or those close to you in the process of working through the loss. Bless you, my friend, and may healing come upon you when you least expect it.

[tinsign]

Hun it's perfectly normal to go through those emotions, it is part of the grieving and should be released not held inside you.
We all ask the question of why a loved one.. I like to think it is because our loved ones have deserved to move on to a place of total peace and happiness we can't experience here on earth.
I truly hope hun that you help others in the future who will also go through this.. your experience will be a big value to those people.

[kew]

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.. . I think I may be on the right track here. I needed to get some feedback from someone not directly involved ( hope that makes sense LOL ) and I am so grateful for all your words.. . tishee_76 was right... they are pearls and I will treasure them always. Thank You.

[rbarr00]

No one will be able to tell you how long it will take you to stop crying. Crying is only one of the ways we show our grief. Also, depending on the pressures we face in our life after a loss, sometimes the grief is forced aside only to be dealt with later. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. All I know is that I lost my brother very suddenly as well a few years ago. I never had time to morn my loss until after 2 more close losses.

My best advice I can give ANY person who suffers from a loss... especially of a close relative would be to seek grief counseling. You know? And don't just go to someone in the phone book either... it's appropriate and perfectly acceptable to shop around. Make phone calls... you'll know in talking to someone over the phone whether you will be able to open up to them. Also, and I'm not a big fan of counseling (I'm only recently going for the first time ever) but you know you can buy books and listen to what you're reading, but I connect really well with my counselor and it's amazing how honest I can be with him. Our life's experiences put little marks on us... on our spirits. It's never too early to talk face to face with someone to start seeing through the marks this has put on you. It's not just the loss as you said... it's the times before... the physical burden you went through in the past... you're not only suffering from this one moment... you might be surprised what you can dig up.

Last thing I want to say... might help now, might not... grief is cyclical. You will experience a lot of the same feelings you feel right now multiple times... sometimes they'll be easier to cope with, and you might be surprised at how overwhelming your emotions can be even years later. If we didn't grieve, if we didn't suffer, then we wouldn't be human.

[Barrabas]

Hi Kew, there is certain wisdom in waiting for death… to be constantly reminded of one's mortality and temporality that is…


Holding on to what we have and that which have us in the now are quite significant in defining how we view and live life as we live it everyday. The more one thinks of death, the more does life presents its beauty. Anxiety will continue to seep in, patiently, not mindful of time, waiting for that right occasion to strike at that certain moment of weakness. It is quite helpful at this time to seek out for that most wanted grace of clarity – the grace to see and know how and where to stand. There are times when anxiety attacks indirectly, leading us to that which usually brings us joy and distort it to effect the opposite; and if caught unaware, the blow inflicted is doubly painful. It also strikes from without, attacking people who are of significance to you – and you cannot help but be gripped helplessly if caught with your guards down.

Of people coming and going, with an interminable desire to live fully, it is of utmost importance to be constantly reminded that there IS a difference between the fear of death and the love of life…

[RubyPitbull]

Kew, I am truly sorry for your loss. As you have noticed, Ordinaryguy's name can be quite misleading! He is far from ordinary. He has an exceptional insight into the human psyche.

There is not much insight I can add here to what has already been written. OG's right on target when he says that you will never get over this, you just learn to live with it. This is one of the truest and absolutes in this world that I know. Each of us handles grief and mourning in our own way and there is no exact time when the process begins to lighten a bit. Some people find their way out in a few months. Others take a year or years. It depends on the deepness of the connection we had with our loved one. Right now you are raw with grief. You are suffering from a depression that has a definite root cause. Anger, loneliness, emptiness are all part of the first stages of grief.

I think Rbarr's suggestion is a good one. Talk therapy/grief counseling truly does help. Believe me, I have been there. You shouldn't try to do this on your own.

Your family and friends can only help so much. Regarding your family, if they didn't have as deep a connection with your brother as you have had, they can only help to a point. Regarding friends, if they have never been through what you are experiencing, they cannot possibly understand. The ones that have been through it, can only help by giving you their personal experience with very little constructive advice. You need to make peace with this in your own way so you can function in the world again. You need to move past the depression and anger stage in your own time.

Until you decide to find a grief counselor, you may want to read this book. A friend of mine found it to be quite helpful when she was trying to cope with a loss in her life.

Barnes & Noble.com - Books: The Mourning Handbook, by Helen Fitzgerald, Paperback

Please come back to this forum and let us know how you are doing. As you have already found out, it can be quite helpful to write about what you are feeling. No one here will judge you. We are here to help.

[Tuscany]

Oh honey I feel so bad for you. Sudden death of a loved one is so traumatic for those left behind. The hole that was left behind by your brother will never be filled. But, you can learn to deal with that hole, and use it to grow and prosper. My mom always says that she thinks about what kind of woman my dad would want her to be. She then uses that, and strives to make him proud.

Dealing with his death is something new that you need to deal with. Nothing helps like the passage of time, unfortunately we cannot spead up time. Right now your "normal" has been interputed and changed drastically. Over time you will develop a new normal. But a new normal does not mean that you forget your brother. Remember him, talk about him, share stories. That is all part of the healing process.

And use AMHD. We can get you through the tough times.

[smashburn]

I would like to ask if I am wrong feeling the way I feel about My Brothers death.... ANGRY, LOST, EMPTY ! ! ! He died very suddenly at home on the 2nd Feb this year from a massive heart attack.... But let me take you back a bit so you know what I am talking about. 3 Years ago He was diagnosed with Kidney Disease. I was a perfect match and donated one of my kidneys to him. He was doing so well after the transplant. Why did this have to happen to him ? I also feel like he has taken a part of me with him.... We were very close and I miss him terribly. I have never lost someone as close as him. How long will I cry ? Does anyone have any answers on how I can deal with this better than I am ? Looking forward to your replies.....

I lost my brother 3 weeks ago in a car accident. I don't think I'm healing properly. My family visited his gravesite today. Today is his birthday. I can't even look at his grave. I can't listen to my music (our music). It seems they are healing faster than I am. Why can't I look at his picture. I own a medical clinic. My sister is our office manager. She put a picture of him on her desk but I turned it down because I can't bear to look at him. He was the exact copy of me. A mirror image of myself. I always thought when we were older and all of our family had died that he and I would still have each other. Don't get me wrong. I have a loving wife and children but he was supposed to be there in the end. Just me and him. What do I do? I work a lot but when I drive home the feelings return. Half of me is dead... How will I ever enjoy our music again. How will I ever watch our TV shows again. This is so unfair.

[ordinaryguy]

smashburn--

Yes, it is unfair. There's no question about that. I feel your sorrow so keenly, and I wish there was something more to say that hasn't already been said to comfort you, but I can't think of anything. Three weeks is barely getting started, so pace yourself, and don't berate yourself for taking however long it takes. As close as you were, it will take a long time. Try not to be angry at others who don't need as long as you do, and don't understand why you're taking so long. They probably didn't have the depth of connection to him that you had.

Be careful to let your wife and children know that your sadness and sometime distance during this time is not due to any lack or fault in them. They will try and fail to comfort you, and may feel that you blame them for that failure. I know it doesn't make sense, but so many things about a loss like this are nonsensical. It's just so important not to let this damage your relationship with the loved ones you still have. They can be a real help to you in this time if you will ask them and let them.

I do so feel for you, and wish you all wisdom and comfort in dealing with this loss. It divides your life in two--before and after. In time, the after part can be as good in its own way as before, but without him in it, it still will have a shade of melancholy that will never leave you, even after many years. Accept that, don't call it bad names, and look for the hidden treasure that will be exposed by these raging floodwaters of grief.

[ladystorm]

I would like to ask if I am wrong feeling the way I feel about My Brothers death.... ANGRY, LOST, EMPTY ! ! ! He died very suddenly at home on the 2nd Feb this year from a massive heart attack.... But let me take you back a bit so you know what I am talking about. 3 Years ago He was diagnosed with Kidney Disease. I was a perfect match and donated one of my kidneys to him. He was doing so well after the transplant. Why did this have to happen to him ? I also feel like he has taken a part of me with him.... We were very close and I miss him terribly. I have never lost someone as close as him. How long will I cry ? Does anyone have any answers on how I can deal with this better than I am ? Looking forward to your replies.....

I am so sorry about your brother. I lost my brother Jan 1st of this year. He ended his own life. I feel the same as you... angry, lost, sad... thats why I am on this site so I can get encouragement from other people. I actually pray before I go to sleep... & I'm not that religious, but it seems to help me get some peace of mind. Please talk to as many people who have gone through a loss so you don't feel so alone. Together, we'll all make it through. Take care... my thoughts are with you

[kam40]

I would like to ask if I am wrong feeling the way I feel about My Brothers death.... ANGRY, LOST, EMPTY ! ! ! He died very suddenly at home on the 2nd Feb this year from a massive heart attack.... But let me take you back a bit so you know what I am talking about. 3 Years ago He was diagnosed with Kidney Disease. I was a perfect match and donated one of my kidneys to him. He was doing so well after the transplant. Why did this have to happen to him ? I also feel like he has taken a part of me with him.... We were very close and I miss him terribly. I have never lost someone as close as him. How long will I cry ? Does anyone have any answers on how I can deal with this better than I am ? Looking forward to your replies.....

My brother died 3 March this year, from what we think must have been a massive heart attack also, although we don't have the confirmation yet. It was so sudden, when I got the phone call from my dad I was stunned, then numb and overwhelmed with grief at the same time. I cried constantly for almost three days. He was 15 months younger than I and when we were growing up we were very close. I feel too as though a part of me has gone with him, as it has, since he was a part of my life and is gone now. It helped to cry, it helped to talk with my parents and husband about him. It helped to hold a Celebration of Life for him, and write and give the eulogy. It helped to have a private ceremony and then scatter his ashes at the river, which he loved. I have his picture hanging by my desk at work, and photos of him in my room that I can look at all of the time. This helps me too. I talk to him, and I say his name out loud. He is very real to me always. Maybe these things might help you, too. Writing your thoughts in a journal or typing them into a document can be healing. I am sorry for your loss. I miss my brother very much, too.

[MissBethanie]

My sister Millie passed away last year aged only 21 months, there is no wrong or right way to grief, you just have to take each day as it comes, I am absolutely heartbroken over my sisters passing and I know I shall always be, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to greive , don't bottle it up,
Take Care bethanie xxx

[mehx]

I would like to ask if I am wrong feeling the way I feel about My Brothers death.... ANGRY, LOST, EMPTY ! ! ! He died very suddenly at home on the 2nd Feb this year from a massive heart attack.... But let me take you back a bit so you know what I am talking about. 3 Years ago He was diagnosed with Kidney Disease. I was a perfect match and donated one of my kidneys to him. He was doing so well after the transplant. Why did this have to happen to him ? I also feel like he has taken a part of me with him.... We were very close and I miss him terribly. I have never lost someone as close as him. How long will I cry ? Does anyone have any answers on how I can deal with this better than I am ? Looking forward to your replies.....

There is nothing you can do to stop you feeling that way. I lost my sister suddenly in July 2005 I can still cry myself to sleep at night but I try to get on but I never leave the past behind my sister is always with me and your brother will always be with you. If you just believe in yourself and have your family around you, you can get through it.

[Irishboy]

You ever get over the death of your brother. I lost my bro at the age of 3 it about 15 year a go now. I just wish I could take that day back that he past away and let him be still here with me

[ellie h]

Hey kew, my brother was struck and killed on his motercycle in November of 06. He was my best friend and the only sibling I have.It is totally normal to feel the way that you are feeling.I recently have been feeling that I want to be with him by his side and it makes me really sad to feel the emptyness that I have ben experiencing so the only thing I could recommend is to talk to someone like a phyclogist because they would probebly know more about the greiving process.It took me by surprise because it happened less than a mile from my home so it hit me harder than ever because I drive by the site everyday. I know that I will never be the same person that I was before because I am no longer a sister I am just an only child. The only thing that really helps me to get though this is to not hold anything in. People have told me to go to meeting but I just can't see myself going to something like that. I have cryed everyday since the accident so I don't know what to tell you about how long you are going to cry but I do know that the grieving process is different for everyone and the length of cycles varry for each person so don't be surprised if one day you are mad and the next day you are sad. It's OK. You are not alone. I miss him more than anything. I know he is around me because I have seen signs, really weird things have happened in the past year and a half so that makes me feel good to know that he is still with me. I hope that there was a real good reason that he had to die because it is making my life really difficult without him here. You probebly feel the same way.hopefully someday we will all find out. I hope that my words in any way have helped you because when I googled help with my brothers loss your story came up. I already feel better knowing that I am not alone. Hang in there.

[aw1973]

It's good to see that you're already feeling more encouraged!
A loss of someone close to you is very traumatic and everyone deals with it differently.
Your family and friends may not understand you, but what I can say from my own experience is that I thought the same when something similar happened to me. But what I learnt much later was that my friends and family just didn't know themselves how to deal with grief. Grief is very personal and I thought that no one else suffers and misses the person as much as I did. Of course this wasn't the case, but maybe this is normal.
Many wise things have been written already, but I completely agree that loss is something one never really gets over, but one learns to live with it with time.

I wish you all the best and a lot of strength to get through this difficult period in your life! Your brother will always live in your heart and now even in ours, as you've told us about him.