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    Jewel80's Avatar
    Jewel80 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #21

    Feb 20, 2013, 11:44 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    I too am stuck on "I guess I thought he was more interested in me than he was," and "I admit I was a bit attracted to him as well as wanting to be friends."

    I still think that you liked all the attention and even the possibility that he was interested in more than an office flirtation, but denied it to yourself the minute he went through his routine with your co-worker, and that the conversation about your husband was designed to be overheard by him.

    It's possible that his actions weren't based on being scared away by your 'I'm here for you as a friend.' It's possible that it was exactly the opposite, that he was expecting you two to jump into an affair. The more I think about it, the more I think he thinks you were leading him on. And that you were.

    You wanted advice. My advice isn't so much about being more worldly as it is to get to know yourself better. I think you are pulling the wool over your own eyes.

    We know nothing about the situation you were in when depressed, how long it lasted, whether it was during your marriage or before, how your husband dealt with it - another whole ball of wax. Depression that is not situational is very rare. Perhaps your marriage isn't all wonderful, and that's part of these goings-on at work.

    I just drew two conclusions about you (fooling yourself and marriage not so great), based solely on what you write here, or leave out. Feel free to tell me I'm wrong.
    Hi Joypuly, my IQ may be OK but my EQ is terrible. I'm confused about the part of your message where you said it looked like he thought we were going to jump into an affair. It takes two so how could he think we were going to have an affair without intending to have one with me himself. Why then, would he be trying to chase me off by flirting with my friend if he thought something was going to happen between us. Another thing I don't understand is why has he spent the last two days being extra friendly, hugging me, listening to me and just being generally lovely to me. Do you think he got a fright because he thought I was chasing him, then when I backed away (which I did because I didn't want to scare him off), did he realise that a friendship with me wouldn't be so bad? Please be patient with me. I really need to know!
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #22

    Feb 20, 2013, 11:49 AM
    I think you are one very confused person. You posted about your problems with this person. You argued with the answers. You posted conflicting information.

    Now you are still obsessed with this person and expect "us" to know what he's thinking and why - and Alty explained it all pretty well in my eyes.

    After all of this nonsense and Junior High behavior he's hugging you and acting lovely... in your words... and you're allowing it?

    Bizarre, whether you're depressed or not. Whether you realize it now or not you are drifting into a sexual relationship with this person.

    Did you do what I suggested and discuss this with your husband, get his opinion on the relationship?
    Jewel80's Avatar
    Jewel80 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #23

    Feb 20, 2013, 12:09 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    I think you are one very confused person. You posted about your problems with this person. You argued with the answers. You posted conflicting information.

    Now you are still obsessed with this person and expect "us" to know what he's thinking and why - and Alty explained it all pretty well in my eyes.

    After all of this nonsense and Junior High behavior he's hugging you and acting lovely ... in your words ... and you're allowing it?

    Bizarre, whether you're depressed or not. Whether you realize it now or not you are drifting into a sexual relationship with this person.

    Did you do what I suggested and discuss this with your husband, get his opinion on the relationship?
    Ok JudyKay, I wasn't going to mention this even though this is an anonymous site out of loyalty to my husband, not that he deserves it. My husband is leaving me for a man. I was devastated when he told me but we have worked through it and now have a very strong and happy relationship. He can't help how he feels. We are going to get a divorce this year.

    As far as the other thing is concerned, about drifting into an affair. That will never happen. This man freaked out when he suspected I was offering more than friendship. That's not really a sign that someone is interested in you sexually.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #24

    Feb 20, 2013, 12:14 PM
    I think the truth is coming out in little pieces. I can now see why you reached out to this other man in friendship or more than friendship or whatever your intention.

    It is difficult when a partner leaves for any reason. I'd be devastated. You also appear to more forgiving than I would be. I'd still be looking at myself in the mirror and wondering, "Why?"

    Wow - this changes the whole picture for me. Did the guy at work know this?

    If so he's a bigger jerk than I originally thought and you're a far better person than I originally thought.

    Again - wow. I am never speechless. Now I'm speechless.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #25

    Feb 20, 2013, 12:22 PM
    Oh my my my. This is turning into a tall tale.

    You didn't want to say that your husband is gay and you are divorcing until NOW? I said a while back that I had a feeling that your marriage wasn't wonderful and to correct me if I was wrong, and you didn't say a peep. You don't 'peep' until backed into a corner, it seems.

    I'm done speculating on the man at work. I don't think you are good at reporting events!
    Now all I have to say is this: beware of office intrigue and affairs if you value your job. Flirtation and teasing helps many an office get through the day, but only if done right. You seem to be lacking in ways that can't be addressed online, and I would suggest a therapy group. Peers in a therapy setting are best for this, not one on one, I think.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #26

    Feb 20, 2013, 12:25 PM
    Yes, I was thrown off from the very beginning.

    "My co-worker and I are both in happy relationships with other people."

    I thought happy meant... successful, fulfilling, happy -
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #27

    Feb 20, 2013, 12:38 PM
    I see a trend here.

    Whenever we point out the obvious, this poster comes down with an affliction, or a hard luck case, anything that can gain sympathy. It's not until point out what she's doing, what she's saying, that the "woe is me" story comes out.

    First it was depression, now her husband is gay and leaving her.

    It makes it very hard to believe anything she says, since we only get bits and pieces of the story, those bits and pieces contradict what we've been told before, and we're only told when it suits her purpose.

    To the OP, we can only base our advice on what you tell us. If you don't give us a clear picture of what's going on, we can't give you valid advice. If you lie to us, then none of our advice matters at all. So what are you really doing here? What do you expect from us? What do you want from us? You don't want advice, at least not valid advice, that much is crystal clear. So what is it we can do for you?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #28

    Feb 21, 2013, 09:14 AM
    I thought about this overnight - yes, I should get a life.

    Anyway, I think "Jewel" is confused and embarrassed by the changes in her life. She admits to emotional problems, husband announces he is gay and leaves, she reaches out to someone who betrays her. Was she reaching out for friendship, sexual verification (her husband is gay, she never realized, she questions whether it's "her fault" and is trying to prove to herself that she's attractive), something else? Whatever it is she is being betrayed, played and used by her co-worker.

    I see a landmine ahead of her - and that includes losing her job over immature behavior, to a certain extent hers, to a larger extent his. He has embarrassed and rejected her, now he's back hugging and reassuring her.

    This guy is a user. Whatever the circumstances I think she is (at best) confused (for good reason) and needs to discuss her current emotional state with someone. I'm not sure if info was omitted out of some sense of embarrassment or just not looking at the truth. I don't know.

    I do think she's the victim here - perhaps a situation she caused but a victim just the same.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #29

    Feb 21, 2013, 03:18 PM
    Judy, I actually feel the same way. I also think that she's very naïve, not very worldly, which is why she doesn't see what we automatically saw based on her posts.

    I'd bet that she got married young, probably to her first boyfriend, and never really had the opportunity to date a lot, to meet different men. When you're a bit sheltered from the world of dating, it can be easy to mistake flirting, interest, with friendship. If you're going through a divorce, and he's all you've ever known, I can see being confused, reaching out to someone, feeling good because he's showing you attention, even mistaking that attention for attraction, and then being even more confused when he suddenly does a complete 360.

    Maybe we were too hard on her. But, again, we can only go by what she writes. Also, this board is very much based on opinion, and the opinions we have are based on our lives, what we've lived. That's why it's important to get all the information about the situation, so that we can put ourselves in the posters shoes, and not our own.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #30

    Feb 21, 2013, 06:08 PM
    I agree with you, and I don't disagree with anything anyone else has posted.

    I simply feel I was too harsh.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #31

    Feb 21, 2013, 06:15 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    I agree with you, and I don't disagree with anything anyone else has posted.

    I simply feel I was too harsh.
    I'm actually feeling the same way. But, in our defense, we can only go by what the poster posted, and our on... let's call it savvy, experience, which plays a large part in how we respond, at least to the touchy feely posts like this one.

    When I read a post like this I put myself in the situation, and I determine my answer on what I would do, how I would react based on what the poster has written. There is no, this is fact, this is not, criteria for posts like this. It's all about opinion, and opinion is based on the individual answering, and that opinion is based on their experience.

    I do feel we may have been too harsh, but, in the same token, we only went by what the poster wrote, and our own experience. The fact that information was added as the thread went on, was what made me mad. To me it seemed that as soon as we pointed out what was obvious to us, more information, info posted to gain sympathy, was added. If that info had been posted from the beginning I know our responses would have been different.

    We really aren't mind readers. We can only go by what we're told.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #32

    Feb 21, 2013, 08:09 PM
    I'm still having a really tough time with the first glaring inconsistency.
    'Two happy relationships with other people' turned into two marriages that are not happy.
    Young naïve marriage or not, I just don't get the reason for all that.
    Maybe it is an unworldly way with the terminology. Maybe it is a persistence in remaining outwardly happily married regardless of what is looming, and regardless of a deep depression, because of some cultural background. But it's all so strangely disconnected and lacking in awareness that it boggles my mind.
    Maybe I'm just worried about trolling when I'm pretty sure this isn't.

    As I look back at my life, I remember my sister came out of a 21 year marriage living in rural parts of Canada, got horribly dumped, and connected back in the US with a man who turned out to be married. All the signs were there as he took calls and dashed off to something important that was really his wife, while she sat on some bed in an airport motel wondering what to do next - wait, or find her way back home. She's 4 years older than I yet I felt like I was talking to a much younger sister.

    So I will try to figure all this out, if Jewel will come back. She may not want to.

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