[Gem07]

I am a single woman and am suffering a lot lately due to poor decisions I've made. I'm in a job I hate. My parents are elderly and sick. I'm 5'3" and almost 260 pounds. I eat constantly. I sleep after work until night time, then I wake up and eat. I call phone sex lines to talk to men. I've been talking to a married man for years on the phone and am obsessed with him. I figured out his wife's passcode on her cell phone and I've been calling her phone to find messages from him. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. I wear the same thing for days in a row. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth. I'm so down lately and don't know how to get out of this mess. I live alone in an apartment and have no friends. Please give me some guidance on what I should do, or where I should start. My apartment is a mess. I have bill collectors that call constantly. I haven't been to a doctor in months and am due for a yearly physical and have various problems that need to be addressed. Thanks for your assistance. I want a normal life but feel trapped.

[valinors_sorrow]

I understand how one thing leads to another and before you know it, you are being squashed by the whole mess. Its important to find the beginning and take steps about that one. It can pay off so well that taking steps on the next thing becomes much easier. Its connected just like that.

Do yourself a big favor and review the list you made here, writing them down like a check list. Mark out the ones you can only practice acceptance about -- like your parents aging, for example. Then priortize the ones left keeping in mind how one thing leads to another. Write next to each problem the first small step necessary.

I would be inclined to see the unhealthy eating/weight issue is near the top of the list as a biggie for making a person feel really bad, which in turn leads to more bad decisions. So instead of sleeping after work, maybe attend OA meeting? Look for Overeaters Anonymous in your phone directory and if you can't find them, look for AA instead - they sometimes know OA info. OA is where you can make some friends who will offer support for you to begin to make small but radically different choices.

Use a small victory to really feel good about yourself and empower yourself to tackle the next thing on your list. This is all a one day at a time, one decision at a time puzzle to solve but I believe it can be done. You posted here (good for you)-- now take another step.

[katrina jane higgo]

I am a single woman and am suffering a lot lately due to poor decisions I've made. I'm in a job I hate. My parents are elderly and sick. I'm 5'3" and almost 260 pounds. I eat constantly. I sleep after work until night time, then I wake up and eat. I call phone sex lines to talk to men. I've been talking to a married man for years on the phone and am obsessed with him. I figured out his wife's passcode on her cell phone and I've been calling her phone to find messages from him. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. I wear the same thing for days in a row. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth. I'm so down lately and don't know how to get out of this mess. I live alone in an apartment and have no friends. Please give me some guidance on what I should do, or where I should start. My apartment is a mess. I have bill collectors that call constantly. I haven't been to a doctor in months and am due for a yearly physical and have various problems that need to be addressed. Thanks for your assistance. I want a normal life but feel trapped.

Oh sweetheart... everything is going to be OK really I know it is.. I completely understand how your feeling and it really isn't nice but... you don't have to be like it forever you can get better really I used to be exactly liike you.. I just didn't see the point in living every day I hated it seemed too much what was the point.. everything people found just normal I struggled to get my head round doing.. I know babe.. I really do know.. but its going to be OK.. there is hope and there is help and I love life now.. have you ever read the new testamont.. the plasm the proverbs... honestly there is help and its all in here.. the amzing thing is your not on your own.. and you are going to be OK.. once you have god in your life you won't need to use food to make you feel comforted you won't need to use phone lines you will have astrength that passes all understanding.. its not religion its just a book that's really old but has words that have amazing power .
Don't hate yourself you see yourself differently to other people and you have isoleted yourself from people cause you have no love for u... what if I said that everything you think about yourself is the biggest illusion and lie.. really you have created your world by your thoughts you neeed to see that you are a beautiful and a unique person who has a kind heart and soul and just be gentle with yourself stop punishing yourself.. love yourself because you don't have to be trapped by all this anymore you are free.. its your life and you can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven.. really.. think about it.. instead of sleeping to pass time by go out no matter how you feeel go for a walk and just be with nature think nice happy thoughts try no matter how hard.. just start doing this each day.. and I promise hand on heart you will feel better about yourself.. the world is such a beautiful place but right now your just hiding from it.. there is love and there is so much there's enough for you and everyone... take it day by day and give yourself a pat on the back for everything you do.. soon you will see your life will be brighter and you will want to be with people.. you can be who ever you want in this life and its ovibious to me you don't want to be this person anymore so start to help yourself.. read the news testmont.. the paslms and proverbs.. please you want help.. this is the biggest help I can give you babe.. I have been where you are now and I know how bad it is but I am sooo much better now and its about have faith and believing that you don't have to be trapped by food thinking about you I know you will be just fine.. I am here if you need to talk.. be gentle with yourself you are unique and specail you just need to realise it and you will.. I know.. love to you angel

[Gem07]

Dear Valinors and Katrina,

Thank you so much for responding so quickly. I cried as I read both of your responses. Looking at the huge pile of things in my life I need to fix has been so overwhelming. It's easier to sleep, eat, or act like someone else on the phone. Your advice to begin with a couple things (like health and God) makes sense to me. I need to find the strength to begin. I've become such a recluse in my personal life. For example, today is Sunday and ever since I came home from work Friday, I have not left my apartment except to get five bags of food. The only people I've spoken with are strangers on chatlines where I act like I'm petite and beautiful. And that married guy calls daily claiming he's in love with me; that makes me depressed also because I know it's not true. He lives thousands of miles away and simply calls for naughty talk.

[raindovewmn41]

I am a single woman and am suffering a lot lately due to poor decisions I've made. I'm in a job I hate. My parents are elderly and sick. I'm 5'3" and almost 260 pounds. I eat constantly. I sleep after work until night time, then I wake up and eat. I call phone sex lines to talk to men. I've been talking to a married man for years on the phone and am obsessed with him. I figured out his wife's passcode on her cell phone and I've been calling her phone to find messages from him. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. I wear the same thing for days in a row. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth. I'm so down lately and don't know how to get out of this mess. I live alone in an apartment and have no friends. Please give me some guidance on what I should do, or where I should start. My apartment is a mess. I have bill collectors that call constantly. I haven't been to a doctor in months and am due for a yearly physical and have various problems that need to be addressed. Thanks for your assistance. I want a normal life but feel trapped.

There isn't much anyone can do to help you but yourself,and I think you know that.go to the doctor and tell him what is truly going on and then get a hold of the department of rehab services or the counselor.only you can get out of this ,but you have to want to.and let that guy go as well that's a dead end!

[valinors_sorrow]

You are welcome and there is only a limited amount that can be done here, so be mindful of that too.

It sounds like you've retreated from your real life into a fantasy world as much as you can. Its very dissatisfying, isn't it? And it comes at a huge price to you too. Time to reclaim your real life. Even taking small steps, it will sometimes feel like a battle, but it is a worthy fight because you deserve to be happy. Many of the things you listed are changeable. One small step, honey. Make a call to OA instead of your chat buddies tonight.

Begin by reaching out for help. There is lots of it out in the world.

[ForeverZero]

It's very easy to stay still when you are still, momentum is what carries us through life, and you've lost yours. Ultimately who you are is what you do, right now you're nothing because you do nothing. As a whole, the problems seem overwhelming, but val is right, take it one step at a time.

A couple of key things to think about when it comes to solving problem piles. When you're faced with one problem, it's fairly easy to adapt and overcome, and when you're faced with many, that one problem that was easily solvable becomes the straw that breaks the camel's back. Solving one problem diminishes the effect of another. For example when my ex left me, I was overweight, aggrivated at everything, I turned into an alcoholic and couldn't handle going to class or getting my work done. First thing I did was work on losing weight, I've lost 50 lbs, and when I realized I was in better shape, I wasn't an angry person anymore because I had less to be angry about.

Personally, I'd start with your weight. It'll kill you, is why I pick that one first. Also, with diet and exercise, you'll feel better too. What I did was go online and look for an exercise bike, which make exercising convenient, which left me little excuse not to use it. I only paid like 150US to get it shipped to my house, so it was a sweet deal. Park that sucker in front of the TV and get rockin.

[ForeverZero]

And, as far as dieting goes, I'm no expert, but I did what works for me. Put pictures of totally hot chicks up on my walls, and looked at them every time I wanted a snack. I also figured screw diets, they don't work in the long term because it means changing what you eat completely, instead I'd focus on eating smaller portions of the same garbage I usually eat. Worked like a charm.

[chuff]

Wow this is going to be the second time this week I've recommended this but I suggest you get the book Beliefs by Robert Dilts. Basically the beliefs we pick up, sometimes by accident or that don't make sense when you stop and think about them guide our lives. This book covers that, how they get set in your brain to begin with and how to reset them.

As far as finances, I was in debt a few years ago I wrote down on a piece of paper how much I owed and to who. I then forgave myself for getting into debt decided stopped to think (and a lot of time we don't think about things we just react to them but you have to slow down and let it sink it so you can take action to correct it) that I didn't get into debt overnight so it' okay if I don't get out overnight and gave myself a timeline. Believe it or not setting this whole thing up was actually kind of fun. Anyway, I then paid the SMALLEST debts first because those were the ones that I could eliminate the most quick. Once I eliminated a debt I took it off my list. If it was a credit card, I called and canceled it. To be honest I don't remember how long it took, maybe 2 and half years but I finally paid everything off. I also had some set backs and when I did I just reaffirmed to myself that my overall debt had come down from when I started so improvements were being made. That's just what I did, I'm sure there are some great books at the library that can help you with that if you don't think that fits to your situation.

Much like with the money, the weight didn't just happen overnight nor should you expect it go away overnight. You can't lose 100 lbs by this time next month. But you can lose 5. Don't look at the whole thing and say you can't. Break it down and set it up for yourself so that you can. Set a goal of losing 5 lbs. When you reach it set another goal of losing 5 lbs. Then another 5 lbs.

I sypathize with you about food. I love eating. But you can also eat healthy and feel better and get energy as opposed to some that does nothing for you. I lift and I can tell you one of the overall healthiest and cheapiest (by volume and number of times I use the stuff) is protein. I use protein to make shakes when I blend it with strawberries and milk, or I just mix it with straight milk. Some brands of protein mix great with water and it even tastes goo. But the one thing this also does is make me full. Even though your not a bodybuilder I recommend you go to Bodybuilding.com - Huge Nutrition Article Database!

Don't be fooled by the name of the site, you do not have to be a bodybuilder to go there. They have thousands of articles on nutritian and diets.

Also I just wanted to throw this out there, your just like 95% of the population in that you want change, but your only like 5% who seek out answers to it. You searched this site out, asked the question are getting feedback and making or at the very least taking in some positive feedback regarding your life. I'm not saying your over the mountain, but your not at the base of it either. You've gone farther than most of the people living or dead ever have because you've searched for something better. If you can be proud of anything you've done this weekend, I'd say you can be proud of that.

[saraispiel19]

Breαk up with the mαrried mαn, get finαncαl help to αssist you with you debt αnd help you hαve everything in order--or do it yourself! cleαn your αpαrtment.. look for α better job (outside αnother city if you wish), get support (friends, mom, sisters, etc.), stop eαting so much, get into α scheduαl eαt right, exercise, join something (curves? cerαmics clαss?. ) go out αnd sociαlize! Yeα its eαsy to sαy but hαrd to do-- no use in complαining though go out there αnd get α hold of YOUR life becαuse you're the only one thαts gonnα live it girl.. αnd its up to you on how you do it--i know you cαn do it:-)

[s_cianci]

You sound like you may be suffering from clinical depression. The place to begin is with your physician. Force yourself to go. He/she will guide you on the road to recovery.

[Gem07]

The support on this site is unbelievable. Thank you so much. I'm reading and rereading everyone's messages and letting it all sink in because it's a new way of thinking for me. Today was another day where I called in sick to work. I've been missing lots of work lately because I can barely get out of bed. The thought of getting up, taking a shower, getting dressed... it's too much. I called OA yesterday and they have meetings every single day. I'm a little scared to go.

[valinors_sorrow]

The support on this site is unbelievable. Thank you so much. I'm reading and rereading everyone's messages and letting it all sink in because it's a new way of thinking for me. Today was another day where I called in sick to work. I've been missing lots of work lately because I can barely get out of bed. The thought of getting up, taking a shower, getting dressed ... it's too much. I called OA yesterday and they have meetings every single day. I'm a little scared to go.

This is good and I understand about being scared. But look! You've now done two things -- posted to this site and called and retrieved relevant OA information. Good for you! But you don't have to go to that first meeting alone -- pretend to take us with you just like you have been pretending to have online friends with those other people. Make what you already know how to do work here too. Then post back here afterwards how it was-- I would love to hear about it. Tell the people you meet there about this site and the advice you found here. Let them take it from there -- anyone in an OA meeting (or any 12-step program for that matter) remembers how scary the first meeting is, trust me.

[chuff]

The support on this site is unbelievable. Thank you so much. I'm reading and rereading everyone's messages and letting it all sink in because it's a new way of thinking for me.

Your exactly right. It is a new way of thinking but your doing everything right by rereading every thing. I heard Tony Robbins once describe his childhood and early part of his adulthood, he was overweight, not leaving his apartment, and didn't have a job at all. He said something that has stuck with me and that is if you keep putting negative thoughts into your brain, your going to get negative results. However, if you start putting positive thoughts into your brain eventually your going to start getting positive results.

The thing is we go through life talking ourselves out of so many things or if we fail at something we stop and don't go any further because so many people have assumed that to fail is so painful that they'd rather not take the chance. There is book by Susan Jeffers called "Feel the Failure, and Do it Anyway." It's pretty good, I'd recommend it.

But there are thousands, if not millions of people just like you, except you have actually taken some steps forward. Some people never will. Let's be honest, your already better off and further along then you were 7 days ago. At some point you reached the point where you said, "this is it" and you took action by searching out this site and posting your situation. You took action and called OA. You took action and REREAD everything. I reread everything here all the time. This site is a fountain of knowledge and I can't understand how some posters don't even seem to read the answer's given to them once without jumping down the throats of those that attemtp to offer help. Your already above those people. You've taken some steps over the weekend for the better. I said yesterday you weren't at the top of the mountain but you weren't at the base either. Well toady you still not at the top, your certainly not at the bottom but your higher then you were just 24 hours ago. Start giving yourself some credit. You deserve it.

Today was another day where I called in sick to work.

Obviously you have to quit doing that. I'll say this, if you work in a negative environment or you absolutely hate your job, you've go to get out of there. If you have to take a paycut to work at a place that treats you better, you should do it.

That being said, if you like what your doing, and depending on how your boss is you could do something tomorrow that might change this behavior. Again, this depends on what kind of person and what kind of supervisor your boss is. But you can walk in first thing tomorrow and ask to speak with him/her and say that you have been having some problems (you don't have to say what they are) but that you have worked them out to where you won't be calling into work again. By doing that, your putting some pressure on yourself to start showing up everyday.

I've been missing lots of work lately because I can barely get out of bed. The thought of getting up, taking a shower, getting dressed ... it's too much. I called OA yesterday and they have meetings every single day. I'm a little scared to go.

Have you ever thought about just taking the shower? What I mean is instead of looking at the all the things together just think about taking the shower. Then when your done, think about getting dressed. Then breakfast. Then work. In other words think of the pieces and not the whole. It's like I said with the weight. You can't lose 100 lbs. But you can lose 5 lbs. Then another 5 lbs. That's why so many people never start dieting. They look at how much they have to lose and say it' impossible. The total weight may not be possible but the 5 lbs is. Once you have 5 lbs, another 5 lbs is nothing. But then you actually have lost 10lbs. Do you see what I'm saying your already overwhelmed before you get out of bed but you overwhelm yourself but you look at the whole picture and not he pieces. Focus on the pieces and the whole picture will fill itself in. Also, there are people who have lost 800 plus lbs without surgery.

As far as being scared let me ask you what Gem07 from 20 years from now would tell Gem07 of present day? I bet the future you would say take the chance, don't be scared, everybody else there was scared too but it's worth the trip.

[valinors_sorrow]

Spot on Chuff!

It is because alcoholics (who are like overeaters only with booze) tend to drink over being overwhlemed that the slogans of AA are so effective:

Live and Let Live
Easy Does It
But For the Grace of God
Think Think Think
First Things First

You may even find them displayed at an OA meeting too and if you do, here's a little secret about them -- if you take the first word of each one, it makes the best slogan of all:
Live Easy But Think First!

[Manny_Syd]

Hi,

In addition to what others have said…

You have done the 1st right thing by confessing, speaking up and accepting that you have a problem.

The next thing you should do, like some others have said is to collate and write all the problems that are affecting you at this time.

After you have done that, you should work on your mindset. Change your thinking... You will have to think very positive in regards to what the situation is. Push your mind and body to limits that you have never experienced.

Exercising is a great start to feeling good about yourself.. Though, you have to make a regular habit of it. I do this myself, whenever I am stressed or worried... I go for a really hard intense workout to the gym.

Before you go to the gym, you will need to consult your doctor on what training methods is the best for you. You might also want to get a personal trainer to help.. another alternative is to join a 'women only' gym. You will meet new good friends. Together with them, you will be able to train harder.

The personal trainer will help you set miles stones on your training and a nutritionist with your health..

Though before you start, make sure your mindset is changed! You must have adrenaline to keep you motivated and going...

Once you start taking care of you, other things will start coming into place. The thing to remember is that, 'Its you! who controls this situation'. The best way to take ownership of this problem is to change how your mind thinks and works...

Say to yourself things like:
"I can do it"
"If people can run 5miles, I can run it too... Our bodies are built for hard work"
"I am beautiful"

You should set two goals; one unrealistic, two realistic and build your mile stones upon that... Try to always get the unrealistic goal

An example for health could be:

Unrealistic Goals When Starting A Fat Loss Program
* I'll only eat 1,000 calories every day this entire week.
* Starting Monday, I'm going to begin running three miles every day.
* I'm going to make cookies for the party and I won't eat or taste any.
* I'm going to lose fifteen pounds before that party next month

Realistic Goals When Starting A Fat Loss Program
* My average daily intake will be 1,500 calories this week.
* I'll walk for 45 minutes five times this week.
* I'll buy cookies for the party and drop them off at the school on my way home from the store.
* I'm going to eat half portions and get strength training in once a week at the minimum.


Health is very important, also up there is self-esteem. This is only the beginning to a great future, stay positive and you will make it through..

I've only address one part, that is your health and well-being.. I believe this is most important at this time.

Best Wishes,
~MannY

[Gem07]

The advice I've been receiving is wonderful. I managed to take some baby steps today. I didn't call a chatline even once today. (So, this means I did not pretend to be a tiny blonde; I was myself all day.) I did a mountain of dishes and took out bags of trash. I took a shower after almost one week. I flossed and brushed after three days. I did not drink my usual two liters of Pepsi but instead drank two glasses of water and a cup of tea. I got two appetizers from my favorite Thai restaurant instead of getting bags of food from several fast food restaurants. I ate seven Debbie Cakes instead of ten. My goal for tomorrow is to go to work. I'm still building up the nerve to go to an OA meeting. As most of you have advised, I'm going to focus on my health first.

[Gem07]

Oh, and a couple more positive things I did today: when that married guy called to talk dirty, I told him I was busy, hung up, and turned off my cell phone. Also, I woke up today around noon and have been awake all day. This is a huge accomplishment as I normally sleep away most of the day if I can. I know a lot of this doesn't seem like great strides, but they're victories nonetheless.

[SouthernBelle06]

Hi Gem07,

I have been off the boards for a while... computer viruses, etc... lol, but I am up and running again finally. I have missed reading the posts here on the boards.

Your post really struck a chord with me. You have all the signs of clinical depression and you truly do need help. The very first step I would suggest is visiting a physician and telling him or her all the things that you have posted here. You may benefit from antidepressant therapy along with counseling. I am a registered nurse (though psychiatry is not my specialty). They can get you started on the right path to improving your life.

You do need to begin to help yourself as well, so congratulations on taking the first baby steps! When one is depressed, even minor things such as taking a shower truly do seem overwhelming. I have suffered from depression a few times in my life as well, namely after the breakups of two significant love relationships and after the deaths of both my parents within a year and a half of one another. I was 21 and 23 years old when my father and mother died respectively after illnesses. I dealt with the sick parent situation at a very young age. Their illnesses were nearly as taxing as the actual deaths were. But I did seek counseling and have taken prescription anti-depression medication a couple of times which helped me. I didn't want to "depend on a pill" so to speak, but sometimes life situations overwhelm us and we have to admit that we need help. You would be surprised how many seemingly "normal" people take anti-depressants regularly. Many of the most laid-back, friendly, married-with-kids, professional, successful people I know take them. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

As cliché as this sounds, you truly do need to start treating yourself better, stop punishing yourself, falling victim to the vicious cycle of self abuse, and as much as I hate to say it, start loving yourself. All other relationships in our life stem from this basic self love. In a wonderful book called "If Love is a Game, These are the Rules", by Cherie Carter-Scott (which I am currently reading), the first chapter deals with this all important truth. In this book, she writes:

"You need to learn how to give to yourself what you are seeking from another. The place from within you that generates self love is the exact same place that attracts love from others. Love creates love and when you love yourself, you open yourself to experience love from others (whether it comes from friends, coworkers, or a significant other)."

Perhaps think about this as you stated that you are lonely. You have to start with you. I truly believe that if you start with improving your self-esteem, your health and fitness, and work on your career and finances... other things that you seek will follow in time. Things won't change overnight, but you can simply start by saying, "Hey, things are a mess right now, but at least I'm going to be nice to and take care of myself for starters." This is going to be a long process, but you can do it. Remember... if you do nothing, nothing will change. Life is treating you the way you are treating yourself. Negativity attracts negativity as love attracts love. This is why something as simple as self esteem is so, so incredibly important. There are great books on improving self esteem (such as "The Self Esteem Workbook" and "The Everything Self Esteem Book". You should start reading one today! Make a trip to your local library or you can buy used books at very low prices on sites such as Amazon.com. They will be delivered right to your door (if you would feel too overwhelmed or even embarrassed to go to the library for these type of books right now.)

I know that your problems seem overwhelming and when you are depressed, you have no idea where to begin. You are likely to say, "forget it!" and curl back up to sleep and seek escape with the "drug" of the internet chats or food. I remember reading a quote about binge-eating disorder in a book somewhere and this particular saying stuck with me,
"If you use food as an attempt to cope with life's problems, the joke unfortunately is on you. Because the answers never have been and never will be there. If you don't do what is best for your body, you are the one who will pay the price." Keep this in mind the next time you are tempted to eat unhealthy foods when you are upset.

Please take some of the suggestions that people have offered here to heart and begin to try to help yourself. You know that you need help, so you are on the right track. You don't have to do it alone. Good luck to you.

[valinors_sorrow]

I see you have reclaimed some of your power, Gem! I am just delighted for you. Keep building on each victory and let the failures slip through your fingers like sand. So far so good -- you've done really well.

The thing to remember about the OA meeting is that you can find real people there to connect with-- people who have done the things like you have done, people who will really understand and show you what they did to make it out of the madness, people you can call the next time you are being cornered by Debbie Cakes and want reinforcement and help.

While you have this forum, it is that much more powerful to have face-to-face support. I only suggested OA because of how much I think you will relate to them and vice versa but if you can find support in any other way too, go for it. You'll know when you are ready but don't wait until you aren't scared -- the definition of courage isn't lack of fear but being scared and doing it anyway.

Again, good progress, Gem, very good progress!